Violet

[littletigerburningbright]

I think maybe the most upsetting thing about this scene, beyond the fact that Ash is forced once more to live through the horror of sexual violation, is the fear we see on Ash's face in the moments before, as he realizes what Foxx means to do to him.

What's so difficult about this moment is that, in essence, it renders every moment of independence and autonomy that Ash has fought so hard for meaningless. It shows him that, no matter how strong he becomes, no matter how feared he is, and no matter how far away he gets from the abuse he suffered as a child, it can happen to him again. He can be made that helpless again. He can be made to feel just as afraid. Any time.

Ash's fear in this scene is raw and naked. We never see another moment from him where he's so plainly terrified for himself. Begging Foxx to stop, begging him to get off of him.

And the fact this moment occurs so deep into the story, after Ash has been established over and over as a genuine badass, just drives that point home further.

We see so many other characters intimidated by and afraid of Ash. So many people regard him as an almost supernatural force of nature. But this moment proves, in the most devastating way possible, how detached from reality those people's perceptions really are.

Ash is just a kid. And he's just as susceptible to being made a victim as anyone else.

Making it all the worse is that there's an element of truth to what Foxx says to Ash about why he tries so hard to get away from Dino. There's a part of Ash that will forever be trapped by Dino. A part of him that will forever be afraid of him. That can never escape what Dino has done to him. And that extends to Ash's experience in general with sexual abuse.

His desperate attempt afterward to play it off, to pretend that he's fine, really just highlights his tragic vulnerability. He's been reminded in the most brutal way possible that nothing's really changed in the years since he was forced to work as a prostitute. Since he was just a little boy being sexually assaulted by full grown men. He still has to live with that same misery of constant fear. With the pain of always wondering when it's going to happen to him again.

And his violent reaction toward Cain is the manifestation of that misery and pain. This constant anticipation and expectation of being made into a victim. He hits Cain's hand away because he thinks, in that moment, Cain is going to hurt him. That he's going to do to him what Foxx, and Dino, and Marvin, and Frog, and so many others have been doing to him all his life.

This moment in the story serves as confirmation to Ash that he'll never be rid of that part of his life. A direct contradiction to what Max tries to tell him about not being weighed down any more by that fear and pain.

Ash being raped as, technically, an adult, robs him of the ability to ever, truly feel safe again. And that, in the end, contributes to his belief that he can't be with Eiji. Because he ends up believing the danger that follows him will, inevitably, endanger Eiji, too.

[littletigerburningbright]

Is this the most tragic moment in "Banana Fish"? Other than Ash's death, probably.

Ash’s longing for a normal life. His wish to be like Eiji. To be that free and innocent. And his absolute certainty that he never can be.

Because I think this moment is why, in the end, Ash decides to die.

We know Ash let himself bleed to death, in the end. That he, essentially, committed suicide. And that decision is largely informed by this moment, and what happens directly after.

Because when Lao attacks Ash, it serves as indisputable proof to him that what he said to Eiji here was right. That no matter where he goes, no matter how hard or far he runs, the life of violence he's led will always follow and find him, and ultimately, endanger the people around him.

And the events of the story basically reinforce that belief for Ash, over and over. He loses so many people along the way. Skip, Griff, Jennifer, his dad, Shorter. And so many others who end up imperiled in some way. None of that is actually Ash's fault. It's the fault of the people who just won't leave Ash alone. Who keep trying to destroy him and control him and use him for their own gain. But still, it bolsters this belief in his mind that he's the common denominator. He's the one who draws danger down on people's heads. And it's a heartbreaking demonstration of the destructive consequences of abuse. The people that abuse Ash have convinced him that their actions are somehow his fault, and that reinforces in his mind this belief that someone like him can only ever be alone.

And the fact Ash gets attacked while running to Eiji only drives home further that, by being in Eiji's life, he's endangering him.

It's that moment, then, when Ash fully understands and fully accepts that he can't be in Eiji's life, not without putting Eiji's life at risk. And that's something Ash can never allow. And so he chooses to stay away, and it's in that moment, too, when Ash decides he would rather die himself than continue living the brutal and lonely existence he'd had before meeting Eiji.

It isn't that Ash wanted to die. It's that he wouldn't allow himself to continue endangering Eiji, but he also couldn't continue living the way he'd been before Eiji came into his life.

He chose to die knowing love rather than continue living in misery.

And that, again, plays off of this idea that Eiji is the thing that ultimately kills Ash.

Because if Ash had never met him, then he might have been able to continue on the way he had been. He might have been able to bear the loneliness and pain of his isolation and struggle, if he'd never known the softness of Eiji's love.

What exacerbates the brutal tragedy of this even more is how close Eiji comes to convincing Ash otherwise.

He nearly convinces Ash that what he's saying is true. That if he just comes back with him to Japan, he can start a new life. That he can leave the violence of old his life in New York behind, and they can be together. Ash can become a different person.

For that single and only moment in the story, Ash lets himself believe with Eiji that it can be true.

But then Sing's boys attack, and that belief shatters into dust.

Lao's attack on Ash is just a reinforcement of the attack that happens here. More irrefutable proof that the violence of Ash's life is something he'll never escape.

And believing that, with as selfless as Ash is, he was never going to allow himself to bring that violence with him, into Eiji's world.

Realizing all of this, it just compounds the tragedy of Ash's story.

He didn't want to die. He wanted to live. But because of the actions of other people, because of their cruelty and jealousy and selfishness, Ash was driven to believe the only way he could keep living was by being alone.

And he couldn't take it anymore.

He couldn't take the pain of his loneliness anymore.

Not after he finally felt what it was to be loved.

It goes back to what Ash said to Eiji, about there being so many times in his life, when he thought dying would be better than what he was going through in that moment. Not that he wanted to, but that his suffering was just too much to keep carrying on. And that’s what he was facing with the acceptance that he couldn’t be with Eiji. An endless world of suffering and struggle, and being alone through it. Feeling the full weight of that loneliness because he’s finally felt what it was like to be free of it.

That's why I always say that "Banana Fish", ultimately, is a story about the devastating consequences of child abuse.

Because Ash dying in the end is a direct result of it.

[littletigerburningbright]

And so I come to the end of Banana Fish, and I'm as gutted as ever by it.

And I know I've talked endlessly about this ending, mainly to talk about the narrative logic of it, and how it's cohesively built off the rest of the story.

But one thing I want to talk about here is Ash's motivation in abandoning his attempt to get to Eiji at the airport, and also in letting himself die. Specifically, we see Lao asking Ash, after he's successfully attacked him, why he didn't see him coming.

The reason, of course, is because he was thinking of Eiji. Dreaming of a life with him.

But what's so important to note about it, is that I think this is the moment when Ash realizes he can't protect Eiji because Eiji is what makes him drop his guard. Just like when Eiji was shot, it was because Ash found himself so relaxed in his presence, he lost awareness of his surroundings. And so I think Ash realizes, with Lao's question, if he went to Eiji, the same would happen again. That no matter how far he went, no matter how much distance he managed to put between himself and the violence which so defined his life, it would still find its way to him, and again and again, it would endanger Eiji because, ironically, when he was around him, that was the only time Ash ever felt safe.

And so, as he realizes it's Eiji himself that makes him abandon the instincts that had kept him alive for so long, he makes the decision then and there to let go of any hope that they might still be together.

It's then, truly, that he lets Eiji go.

And that's part of what makes this ending so brutally tragic.

Because Ash was able to believe, for just a moment, that maybe Eiji was right, and he could somehow find a way to change his fate. That Eiji could protect him from it, and rescue him from it, like he tries explaining to Ash in his letter. For just a moment, Ash was ready to let someone save him, for once.

But it's in allowing himself to believe that, allowing himself to imagine Eiji might protect him, that he loses his instincts and ends up getting stabbed.

So why does Ash choose not seek help for his injury, even though he could have survived if he'd gone to someone for help? It's because he also realizes he doesn't want to continue living this brutal, violent life he's been living, doesn't want to endure the pain of his loneliness anymore. The only way for Ash to escape that pain was by being with Eiji, and since he can't do that without placing Eiji in harm's way, he decides it's simply better to die, while allowing himself the comfort of fantasy.

That's what's important about these panels above.

The librarian says "Guess it's a good dream. Aw, let him enjoy it." And that's literally what it is. Ash dies with a smile on his face, because in his final moments, he was able to lose himself to the fantasy of having a life with Eiji. A good dream Ash lets himself enjoy as he slips from the world, while at the same time actively making the decision in reality to let Eiji go.

We see him crying in the panels before that, looking toward the ceiling of the library's reading room, famous for its simulation of the sky. And the sky represents freedom. One Ash realizes is beyond his reach, even as he lets Eiji go to fly toward it.

It's yet another manifestation of Ash's tragic selflessness.

Because he was never going to allow Eiji to be put in danger for his sake.

The only thing he can allow for himself, in the end, is the comfort of a dream, but never the actual reality of a life with the boy he loves.

[littletigerburningbright]

This whole exchange really has to be uniquely infuriating within the entire story.

Like, oh my God, I can't even.

The absolute hypocrisy, for one thing, of Blanca coming in at the latest of hours to moralize to Ash, after what he did to Ash, after hand-delivering him back into the arms of his worst abuser, trying to tell him it's what's best for him, and then coming in here and telling Ash he's selfish for accepting Eiji's friendship...

I mean, none of this shit would have even happened if Blanca hadn't agreed to work for Dino, and then Yut-Lung, in the first place. With Blanca helping Yut-Lung to capture Sing and Ash’s boys in the sewer tunnels. And if Blanca hadn't taken his sweet ass time growing a conscience and went to Ash sooner to warn him what Yut-Lung was doing with Sing's boys. Fucker knew for weeks and weeks that Yut-Lung had coerced Lao and the others into making an attempt on Eiji's life, but he just sat there twiddling his thumbs the whole time.

How this bastard gets off moralizing to anyone, let alone someone as selfless and compassionate as Ash, is beyond me.

Like, holy shit, there's no words to describe the rage I felt reading this again. And really, it's this moment, above all others, that makes the fandom hate Blanca, and I don't blame them one bit.

It's just the most fucked up, devastating thing imaginable, to accuse someone like Ash of being selfish, when literally the whole story is just him sacrificing himself and his own well-being to protect and save others, over and over again. And the fact he does this to Ash right after Eiji gets shot... Blanca is the lynch pin that sets Ash down the path to believing he can't have anyone in his life who actually cares about him. He's a huge part of the reason Ash lets himself fucking die in the end, because Blanca decides to attack him with this shit at the very moment Ash was already thinking the same thing himself. Right at the very moment Ash has had that belief reinforced to him through the attack on Eiji.

It's the worst timing ever, and it's like Blanca did it on purpose, man. In fact, I know he did, because he was still trying to keep Ash alive by isolating him from his emotions. By forcing him into becoming like him. And we know Blanca knows what that means for Ash, too, because of what he says to Yut-Lung, about not being sure anymore if Eiji is fatal to Ash. Blanca's started to realize by this point that to Ash, being able to love and be loved is more important to him than continuing to live the lonely, brutal existence he'd been forced to live since he was a 7-year-old child. He's seen what it does to Ash, when he's forced into that role. He saw it in how Ash started to waste away in Dino's hands. Ash never could and never would be able to thrive, living the way Blanca, or Yut-Lung or Dino did. He's always been way too empathetic and emotionally intelligent for that. But here we have him, still trying to force a separation between Ash and Eiji. This is Blanca refusing to accept what Ash has chosen for himself. This is Blanca doing to Ash what every other adult in his life has done to him, which is trying to rob him of his agency to placate himself. And the ultimate tragedy is that, in the end, it works.

Honestly, there's no words to describe the unmitigated gall of Blanca telling Ash that Eiji doesn't exist to make him feel better about himself (because God forbid Ash should have someone who makes him feel good when he's been made to feel like absolute dog shit his whole life), when Blanca completely disregards what both Ash and Eiji have chosen for themselves in order to make himself feel better.

And my God, Ash isn't selfish for wanting to keep Eiji by his side.

This poor kid had nothing. His whole life was just pure shit, from beginning to end. Not only was he horribly sexually abused and trafficked from the time he was a little boy, but he was also forced into total isolation by the expectations of everyone around him. Like Eiji said, everybody depended on Ash, and they never even thought about or cared that he was drowning under the weight of that dependence. They just expected him to take care of them, and he always did, without protest, without complaint. He took the fucking weight of all those people onto his shoulders and carried it willingly, carried it alone and by himself, without any sort of expectation of his own.

But then fucking Blanca comes along and tells him he's selfish for allowing Eiji to be in his life. I mean, Christ on a crutch, Eiji chose to be in Ash's life. Ash didn't force him, and didn't pressure him into it, or even really ask. He tried to send Eiji back to Japan twice, and both times, Eiji refused to go. Like Eiji tells Ash right before this, he doesn't care if Ash is "bad news", he wants to be his friend. He's well aware of the dangerous life Ash leads, and still, he chooses to remain in it. He takes on that risk willingly and of his own volition.

It's just so unfair, and so cruel, how Blanca convinces Ash that he was somehow wrong and selfish for letting Eiji stay with him. For simply wanting a friend when, up to that point, Ash had been leading the loneliest existence possible, and sacrificing everything for everyone else. It's just another example of an adult in Ash's life robbing him of what should rightfully be his. Nobody should have to live the kind of life Ash was living, and he had a right to be loved.

Wanting that doesn't make him selfish.

Ugh, whatever Blanca. God damn bastard.

[littletigerburningbright]

This moment is always so interesting, and so tragic to me. I've spoken about it before, but as I was reading through it today, it made me realize a few things.

First, obviously, that Dino's death was something Ash had thought of, and even at points chased after, in the story. But when it comes, it's clear he takes no pleasure in it. He finds no sense of triumph, no sense of satisfaction. In fact, Ash's expression could even be described as one of sadness. And it made me think about how Dino, for as absolutely evil and horrific as he was to Ash, was also, ironically, the longest relationship Ash ever had. Dino was a part of his life for a full decade, far outpacing his relationship with anyone else. Griff, Shorter, Skip, Max, Eiji... In so many ways, Ash was forced to define his life by the presence of Dino in it, and then, in a single instant, he's just gone. And while I don't think Ash felt any grief over Dino specifically, and while Dino wasn't the thing that gave Ash purpose, still, I think Dino's death probably also left him feeling totally lost. I think it must have been a struggle for Ash to even know who he was supposed to be without Dino. Again, that's not to say who Ash was was defined by Dino, but he spent more than half his life trying to break free from him, too, and watching him die must have, in some ways, felt like losing his reason for fighting at all. And you have to wonder if that somehow also contributed to Ash's decision to die, in the end. Because Dino dying also didn't free him from the torment of his trauma. It couldn't restore his lost childhood. Ash was still left with the horror of all the abuse he'd suffered at Dino's hands, but no longer with a source to point to for that suffering. No longer any a root cause he could identify by way of reasoning out his pain.

I also think Ash's reaction here just solidifies how without hate he is as a person. In the end, he took no satisfaction in Dino's death, even as he would have had every right to, because Ash doesn't really hate anyone, doesn't take pleasure in seeing anyone hurt, even the man who made him suffer beyond comprehension.

And there's also got to be so many complicated feelings in Ash over Dino saving his life, in the end. Like all victims of abuse, particularly sexual abuse, there's an element of co-dependency that often forms between victim and perpetrator. I think by saving Ash and then dying himself, Dino left Ash to forever wonder if there wasn't some part of Dino that genuinely cared for him. Of course, with a sadistic narcissist like Dino, any kind of genuine love he felt for Ash would have been possessive in nature. He never actually saw Ash as a real person, and so his love for him, at its root, could only ever be an imitation of the real thing. But there was probably some part of Ash that longed for Dino's love, too, because again, in that sort of dynamic, it isn't at all unusual for the victim to develop a desire for their abuser to love them. Ultimately, though, Dino just leaves Ash further bereft and suffering, without the possibility of an answer, always left to wonder why Dino would save him after tormenting him his whole life. That's just another example of Dino's selfishness and cruelty. It's denying Ash the ability to think of him in purely negative terms, thus denying him the ability to ever move on from him fully. Because every day that Ash got to live after, he would know in the back of his mind, he owed it to Dino.

By saving his life, Dino essentially tied Ash to him forever. And I think that, more than anything, is why Dino actually rescued Ash. It was his way of still possessing Ash, still deciding for him the course of his life. His way of proving to Ash that, even dead, he could never truly escape him.

Also, this is so important in understanding who Ash is, too. He tells Sing to drop the case containing all the evidence of Banana Fish, and thus, all chance of ever exposing to the world what happened to Griff and Shorter both. Because to Ash, Sing's life is more important than a metaphorical justice for his brother and friend. Ash choosing to save Sing, and then afterward, telling Sing that he didn't save him just so he could kill him later encapsulates what actually matters most to him. And that's life. The lives of people. The lives of everyone still here. It's why, again and again, we see Ash risk everything to protect the lives of his friends. It's also why Ash is never really able to forgive himself for the lives he's taken. Because to him, the most precious thing in the world is life, and so in his mind, there's no justification for taking it. That ties back into the lack of hate which defines Ash's character, and embodies beyond all else the tragedy of his story. He's someone who, at his core, was driven to protect and preserve life, who valued life beyond anyone else, but because of circumstances outside of his control, because of the abuse he was made to suffer, he was forced into becoming a killer. Forced into treating the thing that matter most to him like it was cheap. It's why he tells Sing that the most anyone would make off of them killing each other is ten bucks. There's nothing more horrific to Ash than that. And it's that aspect of his existence that he was simply never able to get past.

[ash-callenreese]

Ash’s Eating Habits

Ash is still in his growth period at the age of 17; on top of that, he often engages in activities of manual labour. Nevertheless, his diet is quite plain.

Under Eiji’s influence, many of his meals are composed of low fat Japanese-style dishes and, when eating out, they’re mainly just hotdogs and coke from food stalls. Every now and then, Ash decides to eat something decent and chooses restaurants for things like lamen rice (Vol.12, p.73) or meals without the main dish, since he “doesn’t want to get fat” (Vol.7, p.82).

While in survival mode, he only eats canned soup and drinks mineral water. It makes one wonder whether Ash’s poor, but that’s not the case at all.

According to Detective Norris from the City Police Juvenile Division, there are rumours of street kids having dealings with the mafia — things like money collection or trafficking (Vol.1, p.109). These boys’ business with the mafia is probably their main source of income.

Ash has claimed that he’s got a deal on an equal footing with the mafia (Vol.1, p.62), it’s unlikely that he’d have been forced into some unfair labor. He must have gotten some money from the deal he had with Dino.

Even after he began to rebel against Dino and had his income cut off, Ash got 50 million dollars from his high-tech victory, so he wasn’t poor. Rather, he’s an imposingly wealthy man with a fortune of 50 million dollars — about 700 million Japanese yen —, Ash’s far from poor.

Weapons might be quite expensive to buy, but eating shouldn’t be a concern.

It’s not that he should eat unreasonably extravagant food, but it makes people worry about his well-being, since he’s still growing.

On top of that, when he’s under mental pressure, Ash stops having his meals.

At the National Mental Health Institute, the man who brought him his meal asked “why are you still not eating?” (Vol.10, p.111), so Ash probably hadn’t touched his food ever since he was admitted.

When he was living under Golzine’s rules as well, the doctor in charge said that “he couldn’t take anything other than water.” (Vol.13, p.171)

Besides, whenever Eiji gets involved, Ash commonly becomes nervous. Like before his battle against Arthur, when he murdered one person after the other in order to try and make Eiji hate him (first half of the 8th volume), or before raiding the Health Center when Eiji was gravely injured and had to be hospitalised (later half of the 17th volume - first half of the 18th volume).

In such occasions, it seems like Ash barely ate anything as well.

Even so, looking at all the unfolding escapes and struggles, Ash seemed to be able to “fight on an empty stomach”.

That being said, this could end up breaking his body, and there were times when he got considerably weak.

But Ash’s reason for not eating is only one: he doesn’t want to get fat.

Ash’s ability is — apart from his gun skills and extraordinary IQ — his appearance. He’s not allowed to have a fat body.¹ Ash himself is perfectly aware that his looks are a weapon, making him very careful with his diet.

Even though he told Blanca that he didn’t want to become a “muscle head” like him (Vol.12, p.167), had Ash been eating heartily along with the amount of physical exercise he did, he’d have surely become a “muscle head” — even if he didn’t get fat.

Being able to disguise himself as a young boy is an indispensable weapon for Ash, so becoming as muscular as a bodybuilder is a no-go.

The Japanese style healthy food often prepared by Eiji is probably Ash’s main source of sustenance. Ash has also praised him saying, “your cooking is great. You’d make a good house husband, Eiji.” (Vol.12, p.49)

Among the dishes made by Eiji, there was a “Tofu Dip” — but what in the world is this? It seems to go well with salad, as well as a bagel spread. Since it made me curious, wondering whether it’s “something like this?”, I tried making some.

First, drain half a block of tofu (bean curd) and mash it using a spoon. Then, add 4 teaspoons of mayonnaise and salt and pepper to taste — it’s done.

It’s similar to an egg mayo salad, it would be perfectly enough with bread or vegetables. If you’d like, it also tastes good with some added mustard.

I also tried making a sweet version, replacing the mayonnaise with sugar and sesame seeds — this one was also delicious.

It’s unexpectedly easy to make and you can also buy bagels anywhere these days, so why not give it a try?

You can enjoy a “New York style Japanese food” in Japan as well!

NOTES:

1. Nevertheless, I hope everyone knows this is not only an outdated beauty standard, but also a very harmful one. There’s still a lot of body shaming going on so, no matter how “common sense” this has become, I just wanted to reinforce that every body shape is beautiful as long as you’re healthy and happy. Not really relevant here, but because tumblr is this sort of place, I guess we can never be too careful :)

[silverquillsideas]

These are some of the really good Banana Fish articles I found online over the past few weeks, that I think are worth sharing. They contain character analysis, and are a little bit spoilery, but I have listed specifically when they spoil something major.

1 Ash and Eiji’s Relationship (spoilers are indicated well beforehand)

2 Defining Relationships in Banana Fish (not spoilery)

3 Understanding the themes of Banana Fish (not spoilery, scenes included were showed in Episode 11)

4 In depth analysis of the Banana Fish world, with references to other creators and the 80s mangas(not really spoilery)

5 Analysis of Banana Fish’s ending and themes and is HEAVILY SPOILER FILLED. (This is only for the manga readers, mind you)

This one also contains recommendations to other manga with similar Ash/Eiji dynamics between the MCs and themes/setting similar to Banana Fish.

I’ll list them here, for everyone’s ease, adding two of my personal recommendations :

1 Wild Adapter, by Kazuya Minekura

2 Let Dai, by Sooyeon Won

3 One Thousand and One Nights, by Han SeungHee and Jeon JinSeok

4 Silver Diamond, by Shiho Sugiura

5 Hotel Harbour View, by Jiro Taniguchi

6 Golgo 13, by Takao Saito

7 Golden Days, by Takao Shigeru

8 Acid Town, by Kyuugou

Let Dai, Golden Days and Acid Town are my personal recommendations. They are classified as BL, but each of the stories left my heart in shreds and the plot of the stories themselves were really really good. Let Dai is more violent than Banana Fish in some ways, so proceed with caution. It was also recommended by four of the participants in the above article.

I haven’t read the other titles in the above list, but I’m assuming they’ll be pretty on point.

6 Again an Asheiji analysis, but it’s really fluffy and made me all mushy inside UuU

7 Theme analysis, info on translators and editors. And why Banana Fish is indefinable under a specific label (not spoilery)

8 Analysis of Ash and Eiji’s sexualities. And why do I recommend it? Cuz it argues some pretty valid points and I tend to be a meta-favouring person

9 Comparisons between Banana Fish and J D Salinger’s story

10 Translation of interview of Director Hiroko Utsumi and Character Designer Akemi Hayashi about Banana Fish anime

11 The in depth analysis/review of the first episode (other episode analysis links are given at the end of the post). It’s a series of really really well written reviews, and gave me a good perspective

That’s about it. I’ll probably keep updating once I find new links. Until then, this is it.

[fly-boy-in-the-sky]

Controversy of Banana Fish’s Ending from a Realistic v Fictional Standpoint and Lao’s Reasoning [ Analysis ]

I always see fans complain how the way ash was killed off makes no sense whether it’s like”how does one stab kill him when he was injured dozens of other times and survived” or “it’s just unrealistic”. There’s two ways the ending is written which yes, it does make perfect sense lol

Now I don’t know if fans tend to forget but Ash’s character development spirals down throughout the story. His development basically works in reverse. He is super determined at the beginning of the story to kill dino get revenge for skip and his brother, find secret of banana fish. Then a little more than half way through the story his main focus is routed into exposing politicians for the sex trafficking ring, and gang tensions rise. He has to murder more people and ends up being captured by golzine where he feels defeated to the point he slowly starts wasting himself away.

From this point on his self esteem is completely crumbled he constantly self deprecates and thinks he’s a burden to Eiji even though Eiji CONSTANTLY tells him he isn’t. Which is legitimately why he decides not to meet with him in the final scenes and tells Blanca he’ll just go back to being a street punk when everything’s all over. Ultimately it gets into his head and he believes “this is the role you’re meant to play”. And he doesn’t see a way out of his situation. And so when he gets stabbed it’s a last reminder for him that “maybe I couldn’t ever make it out of this life” and finally, when he’s at his worst there he reads the letter from eiji and gets closure that Eiji truly loved and cared about him and he can let go. Ash thought he himself was a terrible person and didn’t deserve to live and in his last moments he has finally accepted his friend completely accepted him for who he was and that was alright.

Now from a realistic and real New York gangs and the time point of view with Lao’s beef with Ash.

Right after Ash shoots Lao, Lao tells him “I just couldn’t let you kill Sing”. On the surface level most of Lao’s disagreements with ash where over misunderstandings (shorters death, seeing sing as bootlicking ash as a leader) but it actually had to deal more with race than anything. Multiple times within the story had the Chinatown gang/Lee clan said they don’t want interference from outside groups especially white folk since they hold pride in their cultural roots. When tensions rise between 3 gangs Lao says some pretty dicey things like calling Cain a “Uncle Tom” (derogatory word for a black person that acts servant to white people) saying how everyone is sucking up to these whiteys. And the unique thing about ash being a leader was that he was white guy who had control over a gang that was made up of black and Puerto Rican and other races members.

In the 1970s there were approximately over 10,000 youth gangs in New York during its peak meaning at least 2,000 gangs per borough. Most gangs consisted of Black and Puerto Rican folks notably the Savage Nomads, Savage Skulls and Black Spades. Of course the racial disparity depended on location neighborhoods so obviously there was white and asian only gangs and more interracially mixed gangs etc etc so it obviously it’s not completely uncommon that there wasn’t a white leader in there somewhere but NYC gang history from 70/80s isn’t greatly well documented + with over 10K gangs at the time hard to keep track. Though one of the oldest feared members at the time in Savage Nomads was a dude named “Crazy Joe” who was half Italian and half Puerto Rican.

Keep in mind these kids where killing each other left and right most aged between 12-early 20s and gangs then where very different than today, almost the entirety of conflict was turf over racial disparities and the gangs formed to protect their neighborhoods from other gangs threats.

In 1971 the Hoe Avenue Peace Meeting took place. Similar to the scene out of the movie the Warriors, gangs gathered across New York to have a peace meeting in The Bronx after the murder of Black Benjy who was a turned peace keeper from the Ghetto Brothers gang. He was killed on the street after confronting two rival gang members and trying to negotiate peace with them, but unfortunately disagreed and beat him to death. While the meeting didn’t solidify standing peace, they did negotiate ways to avoid street conflicting keeping eyes out of the police (a lot of them had youth gang case workers, social workers that would work with these kids trying to put them on the right path, in Banana Fish’s case similar to Charlie and Jenkins role. So if the kids made agreements with the police/social workers surveillance on them or if they were facing sentences might be reduced) Kids got murdered over turf, race, drugs and money all the time. Stuff that doesn’t make sense to one persons lifestyle won’t make sense to another vice versa.

I wanted to talk about what Yoshida has said herself. She’s mentioned she writes stories where characters die in surprisingly meaningless ways. Or at least that’s what appears on the surface level (Eve falling out a window, ash being killed by a lowly gang rival) If you view these from a realistic standpoint I see it as in people die randomly everyday intentional or not. That is what is reflected in her works to me. If you’ve read yoshida’s other stories a lot of her works deal with unlucky grief or loss (it’s her style of writing people need to realize that) which I really wish fans read her other works before jumping to ridiculous conclusions like “she killed off ash because she doesn’t think CSA survivors can be happy” I really don’t think that’s the idea she was getting at…..now despite the infamous interview of her saying like people who kill other people have to pay up for it somehow I at least think it’s pretty obvious she’s talking about it in the notion of ash is in the gang life not that he’s a CSA victim lmao and I highly doubt she would believe something like that in real life because if she did then wouldn’t she had written that ash is found guilty for killing his abuser and gets sent to prison and never found justice?

But alas he was pardoned of his association with dino and of getting in severe legal trouble and decides to lay low as a gang leader which again, you could really do in real life despite gang activity being illegal as long as you weren’t caught doing mischief. By this point in the story because his self esteem is so low he decides to go the route of the gang life. By this point it doesn’t correlate with his CSA past. Though it does in a way because the root of why he’s in the gang in the first place is because of Dino. Which is meant to upset you that’s the point. It begs you to ask the question did he really get his justice is he really free? He killed Dino, which in his words is what would free him but he’s still stuck in this environment so is he really actually, free? Ash isn’t free there’s many attributes. He’s still under Dino’s name, he’s still a gangster and it makes you wonder if even though he is the victim in his case against Dino would he be held accountable for all the other gang related murders like when tensions where rising or against Arthur? (It’s possible he wasn’t it’s never explained really.) Too ash though he is free at least in his final moments when he read eiji’s letter that was his confirmation and he could die happy to himself.

Lastly, there’s always discussion ash could’ve made it out. If he didn’t have awful self worth, I definitely think he could’ve laid low and erased his records somehow due to him being so smart and being able to meddle with the government. Now Yoshida (lol) in canon says he was just never making it out period but something interesting I think she said is even if he did live he still never would’ve met up with Eiji but would that be before or after he read the letter? If it was after he read the letter, maybe he didn’t make it to the plane in time since realistically it would be an hour on the train to JFK and Eiji was basically leaving then and there and he just talked himself into it not being worth it. Another thing is I swear on my life if someone could help me find this read that ash is on universally most wanted list so he wouldn’t be able to leave the country (didn’t get this info from someone’s comment iirc I remember scanning through one of the interview articles/books and machine translating but I don’t remember) all in all I think people make to much of a fuss about the ending it’s a tragic genre manga story (Which is like, 95% of classic shojo/bl.) and really need to broaden their horizons on attributes like when the story was made and the environment it’s set in.

The story is meant to question themes of injustice. The irony of the story is ash is a white blond male poster child for American excellence and system has failed him completely if it can fail someone who looks like that, it can fail anyone just as much.

[ana--pudim]

Morning

This is a redrawing of the one I drew back in 2022

[bhhnviolet]

It's so hurt for me. I wish Ash and Eiji had a happ life.

[bhhnviolet]

I'm a Vietnamese. I have just finished BF recently and I love this work very much. On the birthday of Ash, I gave him a self -composed poem in Vietnamese, I could not translate them into English. Although literary ability is limited, this is a gift I am to you, Ash.

NGÀY NẮNG ẤM (Sunny day)

Nụ cười ấy tại thư viện

Tự do đã mất, hiện diện nơi cậu.

------------------------------------------

Ác mộng, máu tanh, khổ đau

Tháng ngày lạnh lẽo, bao lâu sẽ dứt ?

"Tâm" mỏng mỏi niềm hạnh phúc

Kiếm tìm điều gì, kết thúc điều chi?

"Vai diễn" vấy bẩn "dục vị"

Thiên thần ngày ấy, biệt ly từ đây.

---------------‐---------------------------------------

Con báo có từng dừng chân ?

Xác khô đông cứng, neo tận đỉnh núi.

Con người đông đầy buồn vui

Không phải loài báo, chẳng "vùi" số phận.

Đau thương dòng đời "uống cạn"

Nhấn chìm tương lai, cuốn "vận" đi xa.

Ác mộng thê lương ngày ấy,

Tôi mãi bên cạnh ôm lấy cùng cậu.

Dẫu cho cách trở bao lâu

Hẹn cậu ngày nắng, ấm áp muôn đời.

~Violet Evergarden, 25-05-2025~

[bhhnviolet]

Hibiki DuCa, a vtuber comes from VietNam.

A god from Nijigen Vtuber Project.

I love her so much. Her voice's very cute and cool for me.

Of course! She's a husbando, not waifu.

[bhhnviolet]

My heart's borken by this.

[softasheijis]

Hi! I recently finished watching bf and I loved every second of it. I want to know at what point you think Ash fell in love with Eiji? I personally think he started catching feels after Eiji pole vaulted lol

thanks for the question! i think in order to understand when ash fell in love, you have to understand why and how. i’ll try to break it down for you without accidentally writing 50 pages worth, haha. to begin with, i often think of ash’s relationship development with eiji as that one famous quote from john green:

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”

sure, they’re star-crossed, and over the span of 24 episodes it doesn’t seem like it, but it was fast. ash didn’t even see it coming, and there’s really only seven stepping stones before it happens.

1. episode 24 provides us with some insight into ash’s first impressions upon their meeting. when eiji asked to see his gun, he was mostly thinking things like, “oh, this guy is too innocent. he’s weird. he doesn’t know a thing about the real world.” his face was carefully blank but he was studying eiji underneath. he didn’t see ibe and eiji as threats and/or equals in any way. the interview was tedious, but there were more important things going on at the moment with arthur anyway, so none of it really mattered. this was just another stranger entertained by his glamorized life of crime, and he was indifferent to it.

2. that changed when eiji pole vaulted over the wall to save ash and skipper in an act of bravery. his feelings towards eiji became recognition. he was so taken aback, he couldn’t stop staring. eiji was unpredictable. this guy could fly. he was a bird, he was free. it was clear then that eiji was everything ash wasn’t, and everything he wished he could have been. suddenly, he was an equal. they lived in two completely different worlds and ash was so envious of that, but on the other hand, he actually liked him. no one had ever bothered to help ash out without wanting anything in return, and his disposition was gentle and kind. although ash thought he was the one who was saved, eiji still thanked him for saving his life and even cried for him. because ash had no reason to hurt someone like eiji, who wanted nothing from him, and because eiji was too trusting and innocent to hurt anyone at all, ash let his guard down. big mistake.

3. consequently, he gives eiji a chance. he kisses him, sends a message, asks him to get something done. clumsy as it was, eiji delivers. he meets ash’s best friend, shorter, and they get along great. i believe shorter is a good judge of character and he’s also a best friend to ash, so that’s significant. at this point, ash is aware he can depend on eiji.

4. next, they visit his childhood home in cape cod. i believe the following moments they share indicate the start of ash beginning to feel something for eiji, regardless of whether that something is a small crush or just strong friendship and solidarity. the arc starts off with eiji learning of his past and ash spending quality time with him. they laugh, they talk freely, and eiji asks him questions no one has really bothered to ask him before. interestingly, eiji seeks him out (as seen right before jennifer is killed and they haul ass) and he looks happy to see him. i’m sure this isn’t the only time he’s done so, and this has to be something unusual to ash. he is used to people seeking him out for business or to kill him. eiji also becomes a sort of catalyst in ash making friendships with others. it’s because of him that ash starts to lean on others more often rather than doing everything himself. 

so after all this, he starts to like eiji a little more. their relationship suddenly shifts and deepens. it’s so obvious, ibe and yut-lung take notice of it quickly. ash trusts him now. he doesn’t tense up when eiji sneaks up behind his back, he’s comfortable with letting eiji know what he’s working on, they rejoice together and high-five like children when successful, etc. they’re a team. he starts to like eiji a little too much, in fact. by the time he tells eiji to go back to japan, it’s too late. he allowed himself to slip, and now ash, a gang leader, has to actually resort to drinking in order to get his shit together because he can’t stop feeling guilty. he’s so in his head about it, he doesn’t even notice max is right next to him and drops his glass in the sink. this is rare. this scene, however small and funny it is, is intentionally put there to show you just how easily his defenses around others are brought down when it comes to eiji. it’s clear that ash didn’t want to hurt him and that he knows he did. naturally, yut-lung sees this as a weakness and promptly carries out his mission.

5. eiji gets kidnapped. in the height of danger things become a lot more clear to you, and so ash is now forced to face how important he is to him. he’s given a choice: kill your best friend or let eiji die. this is the biggest turning point in their relationship. after this, eiji becomes his rock while grieving. he becomes more important than anyone else. since ash is convinced he’s so monstrous and evil, he decides he can at least protect the one pure thing that’s been in front of him all this time. he can keep eiji from going down the same road he has. eiji doesn’t have to get blood on his hands, because ash can do it for him. 

6. shortly after this cognizance, eiji reveals he’s worried about ash and that he feels strongly for him as well. not only does eiji tell him he isn’t afraid after ash had just killed a man in front of him, he tells ash he’ll wait for him forever, and that he’ll go crazy if he loses him too. the look on ash’s face here is so telling. eiji’s honesty and genuine worry for ash’s safety leaves him so surprised and vulnerable. after the confession he almost can’t tear his gaze away from him, and immediately orders alex to protect him, twice. alex notably raises an eyebrow and finds this odd, but doesn’t question his boss. this is when ash begins to realize the definition of their relationship and how he feels about him romantically.

7. after spending intimate time together away from the world, everything finally clicks into place. ash opens up, crying and spilling his guts out to him in the middle of the night after a nightmare. in the midst of his sorrow, eiji declares that he’ll stay by ash’s side, even if the world turns on him. eiji will stay by his side, even if he’s a murderer. eiji will stay by his side, even if ash doesn’t deserve anyone. and it’s these words that break a dam inside of him that has been kept shut since he was eight. this is when he absolutely, completely falls in love.

ash latches onto his promise without any hesitation, like it’s all he ever wanted to hear. he tearfully pleads for him to stay even if it’s not forever, to which eiji reassures, “forever”. if i had to pin point an exact scene, i’d say it’s definitely this one in episode 11.

ash has been waiting. he’s needed comfort and warmth for so long, and finally, eiji is here. eiji accepts his pain and helps him work through it. eiji listens to him. eiji treats his wounds and protects him. eiji falls asleep with him. eiji is patient. eiji cooks for him and nags him like a mother would. eiji’s touches are soothing and have no awful motives. eiji believes in him and his future. eiji gives him a glimpse of a normal life and makes him feel like he could be someone other than a worthless street punk. eiji is his shelter.

you have to understand that ash has never, never had that. he’s said it himself before to blanca. everyone has feared him in some respect. everyone has needed and expected something from him at some point, or taken it from him by force. he grew up on dino’s demands and manipulations, and even his friendships were first formed by alliances and/or beneficial circumstances.no one has simply done things for him. 

eiji has no obligations to be there for him. he just wants to be next to him, even if that means he’s in serious danger. eiji is so different from everyone else, and he stood out to ash from the very beginning. ash just didn’t know why at the time. 

we’ve gone through when and how already, now here’s the reason why: 

since they met, eiji is the first person to have looked into ash’s eyes and only seen a kind soul, hurting. not a beast, a cold-blooded monster, a sexual weapon, a leader, a murderer, or a wild lynx. just aslan jade callenreese, lost to the world.

so after such sweet words and actions, of course ash falls.

and he doesn’t stop.

[cosmicjoke-deactivated20250918]

How Ash's Sexual Abuse Impacts His Perception of Himself Part 1:

I think one of the biggest mistakes people make in their understanding of Ash is in thinking, because he had the intellectual capacity to objectively view the abuse he suffered as wrong and to understand objectively that his abusers were bad people, that must also mean the abuse he suffered didn't have a genuinely negative and crippling impact on his perception of himself. Typically, you see people who make this argument also lamenting the ending of the story as "bad" or "unnecessary", or done for "shock value". They argue that Ash would have been able to recover from the sexual abuse he endured because he already showed an intellectual resistance to it coloring his perception of himself. But I think this is completely wrong, and I think, further, it only serves to undermine the seriousness of what Ash went through, what was done to him, by framing it as something simple intellectual prowess and fortitude should be able to overcomes, as if that's how the insidious nature of abuse and the ways in which it impacts its victims has ever worked. Emotion isn’t dictated by logic. How we feel isn’t dictated by logic. Being able to objectively acknowledge that something that's happened to you is wrong doesn't mean you haven't internalized the experience or will somehow be able to escape any and all feelings of responsibility and self-blame. Victims of abuse, particularly child abuse, can often objectively understand that what they went through was wrong, but they often still struggle with feelings of shame, rooted in the sense that the abuse must have somehow been deserved or otherwise a result of some failing on their part, which is also why you see victims of abuse often struggle to fully blame or hold their abusers accountable for what's been done to them. I think this very obviously applies to Ash, evident in his naked self-loathing displayed throughout the story, and there are so many examples throughout the story that prove without doubt that Ash's perception of himself has been impacted and terribly skewed by the abuse he's suffered.

So I'm going to go through just some of the examples of that evidence:

Example one. When Ash is forced to watch footage of himself being raped by Marvin, he reacts with evident shame, unable to even look at the film being shown, turning away from the screen and falling mute. He explodes moments later in this scene when Willard keeps badgering and harassing him over his age and his history of working as a child prostitute on the streets of New York, before again seeming to crumple and resigning himself to the things Willard is saying about him, insinuating that he's always been a bad person, always been a "whore", etc...

Example two: Ash weaponizing his sexuality. Ash often willingly puts himself into positions of letting others see and treat him as a sex object to advance his goals. This speaks to someone who is willing to sacrifice their sense of self-respect and dignity by allowing themselves to be abused or otherwise objectified, in the name of gaining an upper hand. What this tells us about Ash is that his sense of identity is wrapped up in the idea of being a sex object. He treats taking on this role almost as a natural extension of himself. He falls easily and readily into adopting the persona of a "whore" when it benefits him to do so. That doesn't seem like something someone would do who genuinely believed themselves to be above or to be better than reducing themselves to sex work. It speaks to someone who believes their dignity and body is an acceptable thing to sacrifice because it isn't worth anything, anyway.

Example three: Ash's father calling him a "whore" and Ash not at all seeming offended or angry about it, not even acknowledging it, simply brushing it off like it isn't a big deal at all. Almost assuredly Ash isn't offended by his father calling him something so derogatory because Ash, deep down, likely agrees with his father about what he is. We see other people who have abused Ash do the same thing, blaming him for their actions and accusing him of being a whore or a slut, acting as if Ash seduced them. The police back in Cape Cod do this to Ash, too, blaming him for his baseball coaches actions, telling him and his father that Ash must have done something to make Coach Peterson rape him. It only makes sense for Ash to have started to believe, consciously or subconsciously, that all these people telling him his abuse is his fault, must be right.

Example four: Again, we see how truly bereft of self-esteem and convinced of his own rottenness Ash is when we see him openly express here his genuine belief that Eiji will eventually grow "sick of him", and thus, get over being sent back to Japan. He genuinely believes that Eiji will eventually grow to hate him because he'll realize what a worthless person Ash is.

Example five: Relating to example four, how willingly and ready we see Ash is kill himself to save Eiji. This doesn't speak to someone who holds their own lives as very valuable. There are countless examples of this throughout the story, of Ash willingly sacrificing himself to save the lives of other people. He treats his own life and well-being like it doesn't matter at all, and that tells us that Ash doesn't see his own life or person as equivalently valuable to other people's. Again, this comes from suffering a lifetime of abuse and being told and treated as if he's nothing but an object made to fulfill the pleasure and satisfaction of others.

Example six: Ash having a literal mental breakdown while being held captive by Dino, referring to himself as a "living toilet" made for Dino and all of his other abusers to empty their sperm into whenever they got the urge. Ash starts to laugh uncontrollably at the idea of Dino wanting to make him the heir to his criminal empire, saying it's "the funniest thing (he's) ever heard". Ash sees it as a massive joke, laughing at the irony of being treated as nothing but a worthless object his whole life, only for Dino to want to make him his heir. Ash then says "Sorry, but I don't think I'm going to rise to your expectations "Dad".", and that's indicative of him seeing himself as only being suited to the role of being Dino's and others sex toy, expecting himself to fail at taking on the role of anything "better" or "higher" than that. He can't envision himself as accomplishing anything beyond his life as a criminal and a prostitute, because the abuse he's suffered and the life he's been forced to live as a result of that abuse, have conditioned him into believing himself to be worthless.

Example seven: Ash being willing for Max to use the photographs of him being raped for his article, saying "Dead people don't have any privacy to protect. Or any sense of shame". Again, we see Ash willingly allowing his own sense of dignity and well-being to be sacrificed here, despite the humiliation and shame it causes him to be seen the way the pictures depict him. He's saying here that he has no rights, and no right to even feel ashamed of himself, because this is just what he's always been. A sex object. A thing made for the pleasure of others. This so clearly demonstrates that Ash has indeed internalized this idea that's been drilled into him his entire life, that he's a worthless whore and nothing else, and so he shouldn't even attempt to preserve his dignity or sense of self-respect. He's expressing here that he has no claim to those things, and so it's pointless for him to fight for them.

There's other examples, but I can only fit ten pictures into a single post, so I'll be making a second to drive my point home that Ash's self-perception absolutely was negatively impacted by the sexual abuse he was subjected to. That, indeed, his sense of self-worth was deeply eroded by that abuse.

[vashak]

Ash, Eiji and the normalcy they seek

Here’s a very candid and fun scene that perfectly demonstrates how Eiji sees Ash as a normal boy just like himself.

So we all know that Eiji decides to surprise Ash for Halloween with a bunch of jack-o-lanterns, which doesn’t help his fear of pumpkins at all. Anyway, the boys spend the evening eating, drinking and basically having fun the way boys do. Once the fun is over, Eiji asks Ash what he spoke with Ibe-san. Ash tells him that he was worried about Eiji and Eiji feels all guilty for causing Ibe-san distress when he brought him to America in the first place. Then suddenly, Ash changes the subject…

Actually, it’s not like Ash is changing the subject. He knows that Ibe-san won’t have to worry about Eiji anymore, because Ash will be sending him to Japan in a couple of hours. So he probably thinks to himself that once Eiji arrives in Japan, he will pick up his life from where he left it. Then, I’m assuming he wonders what kind of life Eiji had back in Japan. Hence the question about the girlfriend… Ash just wants to spend his remaining hours with his friend casually talking about the kind of ordinary things that teenagers talk about.

Aww… Eiji is so precious! So here, he slightly misinterprets Ash’s question. He thinks that Ash is indirectly asking him whether he’s had sex before or not, because in his mind the definition of “girlfriend” in America is um… a little different. And he’s all flustered because by saying he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he’s admitting that he is a virgin.

But then, since they’re already talking about it, Eiji gets curious (also he wants to divert the attention away from himself) and asks Ash the same. And he does so without a moment’s hesitation, like it’s the most natural thing to do… He knows what happened when Ash was a child and that doesn’t stop him. This shows that Eiji thinks the trauma Ash suffered at such an early age shouldn’t be an obstacle for him to want to get intimate with girls (or boys) he likes just like every teenager. Because at that moment, in Eiji’s eyes, Ash is just that. A normal teenager. It’s only that he’s better-looking and charismatic and overall has more chance with girls compared to him.

And Ash—the cheeky bastard that he is—simply goes “Yeah” like of course he is popular with girls. As expected, Eiji is pissed off that Ash, who is two years younger than him, gets to even take his pick, while he has no experience whatsoever. So he tries and fails to be mature about it. He’s only 19 after all. He should be entitled to a little immaturity.

This conversation with Eiji gives Ash the semblance of normalcy he seeks in his life. Here they are, two normal teenagers, talking about girls. That’s it. And I think it’s very precious that when he’s with Eiji, Ash can talk about really liking that girl when he was 14 like he never endured all that trauma that’s probably going to have a lasting effect in his sexual life.

…and just like that Eiji is brutally brought back to the reality that is Ash’s life. And as for Ash, he is reminded of the consequences of wanting to get close to someone from the “normal world” as he puts it.

If this were the normal world, how would Ash answer that question? He’d probably say, “We kissed a couple of times,” and Eiji would curiously ask him, “With tongue?” And then, he would remember how Ash kissed him prison with a lot of tongue and blush all over and whatever… But Ash would certainly not answer that question like this:

So much for that normalcy they sought. It’s there, but it’s ever-fleeting. This is just one instance where they momentarily hold on to it. Eventually, the reality comes crashing down.

[drooliasnott]

CAPE COD AS PURGATORY AND ASH’S BREAK FROM INNOCENCE

Like it did for Ash, Cape Cod as an independent story location and an element of the greater roadtrip arc of Banana Fish has recently been coming back to haunt me. A lot of things about Banana Fish are upsetting, but there’s nothing quite like that long first look back to where everything started.  Nostalgia and sadness mingle effectively in this brief respite from the insanity of the rest of the plot, and Cape Cod stands as one of the defining pauses the story ever takes. Though origin stories in many cases can remove some of the mystique from a main character, in the case of Ash Lynx his origin story only serves to temper his identity for me as a reader, and to move us immeasurably closer to him. Simultaneously, learning about his past  thematically also furthers his isolation from the other characters, specifically contrasting him to the sweet and innocent Eiji. Much like the mind-bending qualities of the genre mashup which is Banana Fish, many emotions at play during the best parts of the manga, and specifically here, are contradictory.

In an attempt to follow any lead on Banana Fish which Griffin may have left behind, the gang returns to Ash’s old home in Cape Cod. There, though he makes minimal commentary about it, it is obvious Ash dwells silently on the break he made with his family. It is revealed that his mother abandoned Ash young, and Griffin, the product of a different mother, cared for him in a house adjacent to their father’s. Despite the somewhat standoffish involvement of their remaining parent, this time while living with his brother proved to be the happiest in Ash’s memory. It is implied throughout the manga that right up until he joined the little league team, he was rambunctious and playful. He enjoyed pranking his brother and playing with other children, and by all accounts could be described as a normal, if not exceptionally bright child. Of course all of this veers horribly off course when Ash is first molested by his little league coach. The story takes an infinitely grimmer turn of events when later, Ash shoots the man and kills him with his father’s stolen gun, at the tender age of 8.  It is later revealed that this adult was not only a pedophile, but also a serial killer, whose basement was full of the bones of other dead children. Ash was not only in danger of rape, but also torture, and eventual murder.

The damage of this cascade of events proved for Ash to be fast and early, and catastrophic.  For Ash, the rapes and the following horror of killing his monstrous abuser, compounded by the blame he received for his own harm visa vis the police AND his father, was more than enough to spur him to run away from home.  It is unclear at what point Griffin is drafted, but he has definitely already gone to war by the time Ash chooses to run.  Whether this was a snap decision by Ash, or one in which he planned to eventually return home like most children of that age when they make a bid for freedom, fate played him an even worse hand and ultimately nothing else would matter. While on the run, Ash is captured by Marvin and sold to Dino at Club Cod, whose very name is a bastardization of his home, therefore rendering him incapable of returning to Cape Cod of his own volition.

A significant effort by Akimi Yoshida was made while in Cape Cod to give the reader a sweeping sensation of loneliness when observing the scenery. She lingers in the billowing grass, she draws us wide shots full of sky, she spends a significant amount of time drawing scenes at dusk when the shadows are sharp silhouettes, and she draws the cast smaller than usual in many places, intentionally dwarfing them to the scope of their surroundings. When prompted by Eiji to comment on Cape Cod, Ash has only this to say;  “There’s nothing here. It’s always so windy.”  Wind as an element, we are taught most boldly by Hayao Miyazaki, represents a swelling of emotion, and the majority of daytime spent in this setting consists of Ash and Eiji in the windy grass, shooting guns together and growing delicately and secretly closer. Again contrasting this development, when Eiji asks if Ash doesn’t like it there, he avoids any kind of significant answer. He says instead, “I never thought about it before.” when to the reader, his lingering thoughts are obvious. The wind blows, and Ash feels a resonant sadness.

Ash’s statement “there’s nothing here” is a reflection of his emotions, even as he attempts to downplay the significance of the visit. The things he left in Cape Cod all those years ago, the love of his good and kind older brother, his happy childhood, his troubled but still somewhat functional relationship with his father and his new wife, his happy days and nights of running round like a normal kid, even when pumpkins weren’t yet frightening to him, all these things are gone. His experience as a CSA survivor began in Cape Cod, and with it came the end of everything he once considered safe, healthy, or honestly good.  Nostalgia always hurts just a little, but Ash’s nostalgia for his childhood home borders on hatred because, though in many ways his love for his home is still visible, it is also a literal representation of the end of his innocence.  It is the hinge on which everything turned.

The art book short “That Summer” is just a few panels, but after the events of the manga have unfolded and all fates are known, it is quite possibly one of the most painful companion pieces to any series. Ash and Eiji flash back to their time in Cape Cod, but not on any of the horrors of the surrounding story, or even shooting guns together. They lounge in the tall grass, they go swimming in their clothes, they have ice cream and drink soda and wipe their greasy fingers on their shirts. That Summer tells the story of the happiest moments of Ash’s life.  Back in Cape Cod with Eiji, again offering contrast to his deep feelings of sadness about his home, Ash can simultaneously allow himself to be a kid, like he was once with Griffin. He and Eiji return in a nearly purgatorial fashion to the time before things changed, and for a few glittering days, Ash allows himself to be innocent and carefree. It seems holy enough to almost be fantasy, a heat dream of Ash’s representative of his love for Eiji.  Eiji’s presence is tantamount, it is the permission Ash needs to grant himself this deeply needed respite, and later Akimi Yoshida will return to the imagery of Cape Cod and what it represents because of this. Where before Cape Cod was beautiful but sad, bright and barren, after volume 19 Cape Cod takes on a different quality in the mind of the reader, and becomes ethereal. Speaking to the depth of their relationship, which intermingles love, friendship and devotion in it’s purest form, Eiji at least for a short while transforms Cape Cod for Ash. For one more brief glimpse before the gang head out to LA and things get irrevocably worse, before both boys are forced to forever abandon the last vestiges of their boyhoods right there in the grass,  Cape Cod is safe again.

[puella-peanut]

Monsters wearing people skin:  the effectiveness of abuse in Banana Fish

For fans of Banana Fish, Ash being the victim of brutal, horrific sexual abuse from the time he was just a little boy is like a shadow that lingers over the fandom.

It hangs there, over all events, dulling even the most gentle, or mundane moments around the edges like a cloudy sky that threatens a storm. This abuse darkens the landscape not only of Ash’s past, and his present—but his entire personality. It is that tint of gloom that spills over and blackens whatever fleeting brightness Ash finds himself stepping into for the shortest of times. It is the shadow pinned to his bones, it is the anchor chained to his soul. And yet—it’s never truly talked about by Ash to others. He never really does open up to anyone about this, never seriously confides in another person about what has occurred. Not to Eiji, (or father-figure Max, or best-friend Shorter—or even Blanca, who is one of very few know that know the full extent of what his protégé has been through). And of the aforementioned, it’s the first three who mostly hear of these things through the grapevine of situation, or blown around the edges of conversations like smoke—and honestly, I can’t fault Ash for not opening up more, though he desperately needs to talk to someone.

I mean, how does one go about talking about such things?

How does one speak of being graphically, painfully, systematically raped, over and over and over from the age of seven? How does one speak with others about having their body not only violated in the years of a would-be (and heartbreakingly, should be), innocent childhood, by grown men, and some women? How does one speak about having many of these foul instances recorded—the rooms, the motions, the sounds, the filthy intent—not only watched, but distributed, and used to sexually gratify (again without consent), those with revolting, pedophile interest in such things?

Can you imagine that? Having these sorts of videos being circulated among the underground network of those who make a business of bartering innocent children like living commodities into sexual trafficking? For the pleasure of adults? Without any consent, without any say in these matters that shouldn’t have ever occurred in the first place? A child living, breathing, growing-up in seedy brothels, the dark corners of certain bars; being traded and tossed from lowly pimps to high-ranking mafia bosses—as if they were some sort of rag doll devoid of all feeling. Existing only to loan their time, their body, their very soul—to people who only see them as objects of passing pleasure? A small, easily controlled vessel in which one can dispose of their cruel, carnal nature?

Can you imagine that? And then, as if this were not enough, but to actually live with the burden of these acts not only imprinted physically, but mentally upon their entire being, like some indelible stamp, some terrible mark of Cain? Day in, day out. Week in, week out. Year in, year out. Because if we, the outsiders, those lucky enough not to experience such things, feel so uncomfortable just being told, or at the very least, given hints about what Ash suffered at the hands of his tormentors—than how much more do Ash (and those other, forgotten children) feel, having those things done directly to them from such a tender age? Having this sort of living be the only type of life they know?

I think what makes this information, this backstory, so disturbing, and horrible, and powerful not only to me, but others as well—is that it is something that is not contained, nor restricted to the world of fiction. It is not some monster under the bed that the author drags out with the nib of their pen to ink their audience’s imagination in the darkest of thoughts. It is not a gathering of lascivious adjectives scattered between the pages of books that can be closed, and shelved, and put away— —this is the living, breathing, horrific entity that exists side by side with us in the real world. Every state. Every country. Every continent. Every hour, every minute, every day.

Banana Fish leaves such a mark on its viewers because what it talks about, and what it shows—are real. It leaves a mark burned into the mind because the information it drags up and thrusts right up into the viewer’s lives, are disturbing collections of tangible, living, breathing issues that exist right outside their window. Things that are raw, and painful, and frightening—terrible landscapes which can be reached far, far more easily than any fantasy world can be. And that’s exactly what makes it so efficacious.

Even if Banana Fish uses the medium of fiction to talk about such things as child prostitution, child pornography, and survival sex for minors among other such things; even if it uses fictional characters, and a fictional drug, and fictional events to pen its story—it’s still grounded in reality. It still sprouted from digging into the dirt of the nasty, harsh truths of real events that contaminate our world, and still take place over thirty years hence from the fictional timeline. Of actual events occurring even as I type this out. Of events happening even as you read what I’ve written.

We talk of horror. Of ghosts, and aliens, and evil creatures from other worlds. Fictional monsters written to scare our imagination. The thing is, we don’t need those beasts to scare us. We don’t need to invent sinister monsters that roam the shadows of dystopian worlds. Not when we can find the most despicable sort of monsters that live, and breathe, and walk among us every day. Wearing the same clothes, donning the same faces. Indulging in the same sordid affairs. A cloak of people skin, to conceal the beasts within.

They are the monsters we should be frightened of. They are the monsters that should be hunted. They are the monsters that should be slayed.

It is, I think, why, over thirty years later, Banana Fish remains so powerful, so effective; so easily able to revolt, and distress, and hurt its audience—

—because the monsters that exist in its world, are the very same that exist in ours.

“Most of the victimized children who face prostitution are vulnerable children who are exploited. Many predators target runaways, sexual assault victims, and children who have been harshly neglected by their biological parents. Not only have they faced traumatic violence that affects their physical being, but become intertwined into the violent life of prostitution.” – U.S. Deputy Attorney General James Cole.