Are you alive and well? or at least alive?
Wow, wow, wow! It's been...a while since I've metaphorically shown my face on here or on AO3, huh? Well, I'm really sorry I went MIA without any warning, and I'm really sorry for leaving a bunch of unfinished projects in my wake.
I'm alive, certainly, and overall pretty well. It's been a bit of a crazy time recentlyāāI'm a senior in college and facing that "???" of whatever comes after graduation, I just submitted a Fulbright Grant Proposal for (what I think, anyway) will be a very interesting creative writing project in Sweden next year, and I spent a few months trying to get one of my original works out there by querying agents (a handful of full requests, but ultimately no takers).
That all being said, I've been feeling very...challenged regarding writing as of late. For the past few months, writing anything has hurt (metaphorically, I mean). I'm not sure if it was the weight of the Fulbright Application on my mind or the rejections of my manuscript, but...yeah. Every time I wrote a word for "pleasure" and not academics, it felt a bit like my insides were twisting around themselves and trying to crawl up my throat. It was, needless to say, absolutely terrible. I've been writing my entire life in varying genres and topics, so to feel mentally and physically incapable of doing so has felt jarring, to say the least.
I realize this is incredibly lengthy and no one asked for such a long, personal response, so I'm sorry for that. The last bit of this whole thing is that I recently went to a remote forest for two days (I know, a big main character moment, right?), turned off my phone, brought no electronics, and just let myself be in nature with a pencil and a journal for company. And, just like that, writing didn't hurt anymore. Writing felt fun and freeing and completely un-suffocating for the first time in what feels like a fucking eternity, honestly. If I had to psychoanalyze the whole "writing feeling like imminent doom" situation, I would probably say it had something to do with perfection (or lack thereof) and a battered writing self esteem, but I'm really happy it's gone now.
Writing is fun again, writing is my passion, and writing rests at the very core of who I am and how I function as a human being. I am so eager to get back to it and to (hopefully) share all of the ideas I've had running through my head during this weird and unplanned break. I'm sorry it seemed like I disappeared, but I'm back, I'm sorry, and I can't wait to get back to work.
(Also taking requests. Consider it another way to apologize, if you will?)
