The Official Condiment Conglomerate

I have returned with more power than ever before

[big-condiments-official]

Here's my Bingo Card for the year!

Please let me know if any of these come true!

[big-condiments-official]

note: sources would be appreciated

[big-condiments-official]

It was alright

[big-condiments-official]

Damn I could go for a fuck ton of fried chicken

[big-condiments-official]

Jump In The Line stuck in my head

[sergeifyodorov]

I don't read as much fic as I used to but one "tell" for non Canadians writing us, besides the etransfer, is the units you use to describe us measuring something. I hate to tell you this but The Chart is real and it's completely subconscious. Please abide

[demotu-writes]

ETA the chart (or at least a version of it):

ETA2: we do use inches/miles in poetic ways ("he was lost in thought/miles away" or "his lips were a bare inch away").

Also, the length of a dick is in inches for SURE.

[moveslikekeithrichards]

labubu was meant to be hanging off a kindergartners backpack filthy as fuck with no eyes left

[bewbin]

you were born in 2006? what are you? a Honda Civic?

[2006-honda-civic]

can i fucking help you?

[a-book-of-creatures]

Love it when the book tells you who all the characters are at the start. The Dramatic Persons

[facts-i-just-made-up]

Fun fact- Dramatis Personae does not mean “dramatic persons” OR “persons in the drama” as commonly assumed for scripted theater.

The root words are slightly different, sharing “pers” from satchel (as in purse or personal luggage) and dramati from the Latin for dram, as in the measurements drachma or 1/16th of an ounce.

The phrase at the beginning of a manuscript refers specifically to the pre-Roman myth that a Muse would inspire the characters of a Greek tragedy by picking them like lint from her pockets and stuffing them into the brain of the writer through their ears.

Once considered a humorous fable, we now know this is true because I mean just look at Season 3 of Euphoria. Sam Levinson’s head is clearly full of fucking pocket lint. Also plagiarism.

[isawken]

going over to my minimalist girlfriend’s house and she apologizes profusely for the mess and there’s just a single perfect, fresh pea on the floor of her living room

[bluelois]

Blue Lois

[isawken]

can i help you

[redmarge]

Red Marge

[isawken]

jesus christ. I Am Under Fucking Attack

[worldheritagepostorganization]

World Heritage Post

[isawken]

i deserve a medal for this post. not because i was particularly funny but because i survived an onslaught of nearly one hundred gimmick blogs in the wake of this post popping off, and the fact that i didn’t try to track any of them down and snuff them out with my bare hands is a testament to my immeasurable strength and should be rewarded. at one point i had “the official letter h” add on to this post. you wanna know that blog’s gimmick? the really funny and original and worthwhile gimmick the official letter h blog had? yep you guessed it they just gave me the god damned letter H and then fucked off. only jesus knows the suffering i endured over that harsh winter, and he wept for me

[pointless-achievements]

Rare Achievement Unlocked:

After The Clouds Clear

Sorry, I don't give out medals, this is the best I can do.

[the-identifier]

post identified

[depsidase]

[cream-chantilly]

@isuggesteatingtherich

[isuggesteatingtherich]

i have a suggestion

[innerchildabortionclinic]

the worst person you know thinks they're super empathetic. the kindest person you know thinks they're fucked up and evil

[draconym]

The eye doctor is the most fun doctor you can go to. They never steal your blood. They never make you get naked and put on a paper dress. They're just like, "Can you see these letters? It's fine if you can't, we can fix that." And they don't even spell anything.

[draconym]

[orcboxer]

Every time I go they put me in a chair and they say look into this machine there's a hot air balloon or a farmhouse in there and I do and I'm like you're right I see it and they're like yeah keep admiring that hot air balloon or farmhouse and I do and I'm like this shit's quaint as fuck and then do you know what happens next they attack me they jumpscare me with air directly into my eyeballs and i fall out the chair and they say sorryyyy but they're NOT they wanted this to happen they KNEW about the jumpscare well now I'm wise to it now I know better when I go in and they say look at this bodacious hot air balloon I'm like NO WAY DUDE that balloon wishes me harm have at thee and I attack them and push them on the ground and spit on them

[frankiedotbiz]

this video has invaded my brain

[prohaloplayer-deactivated202601]

👹 yo bro 👋 come over here 👋 come over here check out my new shoes they’re the 👹 BRAND NEW ☺️ oooone twoo~ buckle my shoooooe~ 🤗 threee four~ buckle some mooooore~ 😇 fiiiive six, nike kicks! 👹 OOHOOHOOHOO that is so FIRE! 🧍🏼‍♂️ ahahahaha

[sapphireh3arts]

on the topic of normalising naked bodies, my family is Christian and they were absolute prudes about bodies, the first time my clit swelled up I thought I had some kind of disease/tumour and I was too embarrassed to ask someone about it, I thought I was gonna die and I cried myself to sleep, and any minor pain in my breasts made me think I had cancer, I really wish someone would've told me more about my body so I wouldn't have to panic about everything new that happened

this is exactly why we need to have open and honest conversations with children about their bodies, medical neglect is so common because of this shame!!!! we shouldn't be taught to be scared of our bodies! i'm so sorry you had to go through all that. sending hugs!

[xalatath]

I have never, and will never, use "ofc" to mean "of fucking course". It literally stands for OF Course...

[cutecipher]

okay, im "sorry" i tested my dual scythe combos/fever mode on your "smol bean" boyfriend

[sapphireh3arts]

we need to start killing influencers who shill products that say they make you "age backwards"

[pixelartpeach]

Btw if the new Pokemon games coming out have the Rotom Phone use an AI assistant, even in jest, I'm killing.