It was the 23rd of December, 2017, and my sister had convinced her friend to come with us this year.
āAnd thatās where Keeās fiancĆ© usually is,ā Sam explained as we stood in the line waiting to get inside. Ā Her friend gave her the same sceptical look sheād apparently been giving since Sam had first told her.
āHeās not my fiancĆ©,ā I pointed out, trying to rub some feeling back into my hands. Ā The Goat Guy had been texting me updates since that morning. Ā The organizers had discussed it at length, but apparently temperatures of negative eighteen, thirteen inches of snow, and a blizzard warning werenāt quite enough to have Bethlehem cancelled (or for my parents to decide to skip it this year). Ā Hashtag Canada.
The line was long this year, and weād already been standing out in the cold for the better part of half an hour. Ā My brother was loudly lamenting the fact that we couldnāt get to the hot apple cider until weād made it inside.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I braved taking off a glove to check it.
āWho do you keep texting?ā my mom asked, not-so-subtly trying to peer over my shoulder at my phone.
āGregory from psychology,ā I told her, sending off a text informing him that we were still in line. Ā It wasnāt technically a lie, since, you know, that was his actual name and he was in my psychology classes. Ā It wasnāt my fault that my family only knew him as the Goat Guy.
āOoo,ā Sam teased, elbowing me in the ribs, her bony elbows hurting less than usual through all our layers. Ā āIām going to tell your fiancĆ© he has competition, and then maybe theyāll offer us something useful. Ā Like a car or a trip to Hawaii or something.ā
I snorted again. Ā āOne, heās still not my fiancĆ©. Ā Two, he doesnāt have competition, because Iām not interested in him or in Gregory. Ā And, three, this isnāt a game show. Ā If anything, his mom will just offer maybe a horse or something.ā
āCan I have the horse?ā
I rolled my eyes, glancing at my phone as another text came in. Ā Hurry up. Ā āSure, Cole.ā
My brother pumped his fist in the air. Ā āNice.ā
It took another ten minutes or so to make it to the front of the line, and my family had placed their bets on the amount of farm animals that would be offered this year. Ā My dad reminded me that he was selling me if they offered a camel, and I rolled my eyes, trying to act as reluctant to get to that part of the night as I usually was. Ā Apparently I didnāt do as good a job as I thought I did, since Mom questioned me.
I shrugged, feeling my phone go off again. Ā āI guess Iāve just decided to go with it.ā
Sam rolled her eyes. Ā āShe thinks heās hot,ā she told her friend. Ā Which, well, it wasnāt exactly untrue. Ā Objectively the Goat Guy was ridiculously attractive, but that doesnāt mean I want to (or have time to) date him.
Weād reached the entrance by that point, and were given our little pouches of pennies to buy small trinkets and ducked into the (compared to outside, at least) warmth of Bethlehem.
Roman soldiers milled amongst the people, asking for taxes and wanting to see our papers. Ā We didnāt have papers, obviously, but the soldier who checked us took an extra penny as a bribe.
āWait,ā Samās friend said, stopping in her tracks. Ā āThereās a petting zoo?ā
There was, in fact, a petting zoo. Ā The petting zoo and the apple cider were there to keep us pacified as we waited for the soldiers to allow us entrance into Bethlehem, and Cole and our parents went off to get us something to drink while I followed Sam and her friend to see the animals.
āWhat is this?ā Sam asked, frowning. Ā āWhere are all the animals?ā
There were significantly less animals than usual. Ā Two whole pens were empty, and I could see a few soldiers and townspeople whispering to each other in a panic.
āMaybe they were too cold,ā I suggested, reaching out to pat a pigās head. Ā It snorted and turned away.
My parents and brother returned with our drinks, and I sighed into the bliss that is Bethlehem hot apple cider, and, by the time we made it to the gates to listen as the soldiers reminded us of laws that I donāt remember, I actually had a bit of feeling back in my fingers and face.
I pulled off a glove, typing up a quick text. Ā Weāre in.
The stalls were as neat as they always were. Ā I bought a wooden hammer to add to my collection for a couple pennies. Ā My mom dug out her wallet to buy a carved wooden bowl. Ā Sam and her friend took selfies with a girl from their soccer team who was working in a bakery and she snuck them a free scone. Ā Cole found another apple cider vendor and took three cups for himself.
āLook,ā Sam said, grinning wickedly as she wrapped an arm around my shoulders. Ā āThere it is.ā
And there it was. Ā The Goat Guyās mom was standing outside her shop, heckling with a couple over the price of a rug.
āThat is a poncho,ā I agreed, glancing at one hanging on the side of the shop and deciding I was going to buy it after this whole thing was over.
Sam rolled her eyes. Ā āYou know thatās not what I mean,ā she pointed out, craning her neck. Ā āI donāt see your fiancĆ©, though.ā
āThatās because I donāt have one,ā I pointed out, stopping to look at the smithery so I didnāt look too eager to get there.
No one bought that I actually wanted to see some guy pound metal with a hammer (there wasnāt an actual fire or anything, so he was really just sitting there hitting it), so they dragged me across the hall, grins on their faces.
The Goat Guyās mom, who we will henceforth refer to as the Goat Mom for sake of ease, perked up as she saw us heading towards them, finishing up her bartering and holding her arms out in greeting.
āAh,ā she called, grinning at us. Ā āBack again, I see. Ā Surely you must have found a suitable husband for your daughter by now.ā
āNope,ā my mom said, giving me a pointed look. Ā āSheās still single.ā
(And, yeah, I was, and still am, but she doesnāt have to be so judgy about it)
The Goat Mom gasped, pressing a hand to her chest. Ā āMy dear, youāre far too old to be without a husband,ā she cried, causing people to stop to watch. Ā I could feel my face heating up, and glanced around wondering where the Goat Guy was at. Ā We had agreed months ago that this was always far more embarrassing for me than it was for him, so why was he taking so long?
āYou wonāt be young forever,ā the Goat Mom was continuing, grabbing my hands and forcing my to look at her. Ā āYouāre running out of time.ā Ā She glanced past me to my parents, a smug look on her face that said she got just as much enjoyment out of this as my family did. Ā āMy son is still in need of a wife. Ā Iāll tell you what, I will give you thirty goats and ten chickens for your daughter. Ā Sheāā
āAww, Mom. Ā You started negotiations without me? Ā How are they supposed to know Iād be the perfect husband for Kee if they canāt see how hot I am?ā
The Goat Mom froze for a moment, her grip on my hands loosening enough for me to pull away. Ā I followed the shocked gazes of my family and his mom to the Goat Guy.
He was leaning casually against the shop, somehow managing to look good in clothes that were 2000 years out of fashion, a smirk on his face and a half dozen goats and a llama surrounding him.
āThatās Keeās fiancĆ©,ā Sam whispered to her friend, as if there was any doubt about his identity.
His mom blinked out of her shock, narrowing her eyes at him. Ā āAre you drunk?ā
The Goat Guy looked offended, raising a hand to his chest. Ā āWhat? Ā No!ā
Cole started cackling. Ā I donāt think he had any more idea what was going on than the rest of them, but fifteen year old boys are weird.
His mom glanced back at us for a moment, and I had to look away to keep the grin off my face, and noticed quite the crowd had gathered.
She took a deep breath as she turned back to her son, pressing her fingers to her temples. Ā āThen why do you have goats?ā
I couldnāt keep myself from snorting then, but, thankfully, everyone seemed too distracted to notice.
The Goat Guy rolled his eyes, relaxing back against the shop once more. Ā āI mean, youāve been failing at bartering me a wife for eight years, Mom,ā he pointed out. Ā āI think they just donāt believe we really have as many goats as you say we have. Ā So I brought goats!ā Ā He waved the ropes in his hands, and sent me a wink. Ā āAnd a llama! Ā Girls like llamas.ā
āI think thatās actually an alpaca,ā my brother helpfully pointed out, and the Goat Guy grinned.
āYouāre probably right, my man,ā he agreed and turned back to me. Ā āIām adding this alpaca onto the list of whatever my momās already offered. Ā We can ride off on it into the sunset. Ā What do you say?ā
āI say it probably wouldnāt hold us.ā Ā I was grinning now, too, no longer able to hold it in.
The Goat Guy just shrugged and stayed silent, letting our families stew for a moment.
āAre you sure you arenāt drunk?ā his mom finally asked, glancing between us in confusion. Ā āMaybe youāve been spending a little too much time at the, uh, tavern.ā Ā She glanced at the goats and the llama (alpaca?), realization dawning on her face. Ā āGregory, you had better not be the reason everyone is panicking about the animals going missing from the pettingātrading post.ā
āNot drunk,ā he insisted, ignoring the part about him stealing the animals from the petting zoo as he thrust the leads of the animals into her hands before she had a chance to protest. Ā āIām just excited to see my future wife.ā Ā He crossed the distance between us, my family stepping back, still mostly in shock, and wrapped me up in his arms. Ā āHowās it going, Kee?ā
I laughed, hugging him back quickly before pulling away. Ā āHey, Gregory,ā I echoed loudly, my grin growing at the gasp that came from someone in my family. Ā āHowād you find the psych final?ā
He groaned, burying his face in my neck. Ā āUgh, donāt even get me started,ā he whined, an arm wrapping back around my shoulders. Ā āI didnāt fail, but thatās about all I can say.ā
I hummed in sympathy, watching our families try to piece together what was going on and the crowd that was wondering if this was supposed to be happening. Ā His momās mouth was opening to say something as I caught sight of a couple of soldiers pushing through the crowd, and nudged him.
āYou!ā one yelled, and the Goat Guyās head snapped of my shoulder, staring at the soldier in shock. Ā āHe stole the kingās animals!ā Ā One of the others came forward, pulling him away from me.
āYou, uh, have the right to remain silent,ā he started, fixing his grip on the Goat Guyās arm. Ā The soldier who grabbed his other arm rolled his eyes.
āHe doesnāt have any rights.ā
āOh, right.ā Ā The second soldier nodded and turned back to the Goat Guy. Ā āYou donāt have the right to remain silent,ā he amended.
āTake him to the king,ā the first soldier ordered, taking the leads from the Goat Mom. Ā āHe should be tried at once.ā
The Goat Guy regained his wits and started to struggle against their hold.
āWait for me, Kee!ā he cried as they dragged him back through the parted crowd. Ā āIāll come back for you!ā
By the time heād disappeared and the crowd had filled in their path, I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. Ā Itād gone better than either of us couldāve hoped.
I calmed down after a moment, and the Goat Mom was still staring in confusion in the direction her son had disappeared in. Ā I stepped past her to the shop, pulling the poncho Iād noticed earlier off the wall.
āIād like to buy this, please,ā I said, and her eyes snapped back to me. Ā I grinned and handed her the money, and she pocketed it without bartering, and I walked away, the crowd parting for me as I wandered towards the next stall.
My family joined me a few moments later, as I was browsing some blown glass ornaments and ignoring the fact that the shopkeepers were whispering about me.
āWhat was that?ā my mom demanded.
I shrugged. Ā āThat was her bartering for me to marry the Goat Guy like every year.ā
āYeah, that was not like every year.ā Ā Sam snorted and I could practically hear her rolling her eyes. Ā āSince when do you know the Goat Guy?ā
āSince January?ā Ā I tried to look confused, but Iām pretty sure I was still grinning. Ā āYou knew that.ā
āYeah?ā I countered. Ā āGregory from psychology?ā
The stared at me for a long moment before any of them spoke. Ā Samās friend was the only one who seemed more entertained than confused.
āThat was Gregory from psychology?ā my mom asked, and I shrugged, grinning wider. Ā āYou planned this, didnāt you? Ā Thatās why you kept texting him outside?ā
I shrugged. Ā āI mean, we didnāt plan him getting arrested,ā I admitted. Ā āBut, yeah, we planned the rest.ā
āHowād he steal the goats and the alpaca?ā Cole wondered.
āLike thatās whatās important here.ā Ā Sam rolled her eyes.
āWhy?ā my dad asked, and I shrugged again.
āSeven yearsā worth of revenge.ā
āThatās not whatās important either,ā Sam interjected, huffing loudly. Ā āKeeās totally dating the Goat Guy. Ā I called it.ā
āWeāre not dating.ā Ā I rolled my eyes, pushing past them to continue through Bethlehem. Ā There shouldāve been another apple cider vendor coming up soon, and Iād lost all the heat from the last one.
My family did not drop it through the rest of Bethlehem, and neither did any of the vendors who, apparently, knew exactly who I was (my toque was kind of distinctive, so I guess Iāll give them that) and let me know how sorry they were to hear that my man had been locked up just for trying to provide for his family.
We also saw the Goat Guy again, who had been locked up with the prisoners in a large cage, guarded by a handful of soldiers.
He grinned as he saw us approaching, calling out for me and sticking his arms through the bars.
āCan I borrow your notes later?ā he asked. Ā āIām in here for nineteen years, so Iāll be missing a bit of class.ā
Sam and her friend posed for selfies with him, and then she made me pose for one with him that will definitely be used for blackmail at a later date.
And that was Bethlehem. Ā No one shut up on the entire drive home, or for the rest of Christmas break, for that matter, about the fact that Iād been keeping my knowing the Goat Guy a secret for almost a yearāwhich I hadnāt, as I pointed out multiple times. Ā They all knew about Gregory from psychology, and he was literally in my phone as The Goat Guy. Ā It wasnāt my fault they hadnāt put the pieces together.
My family is convinced the Goat Guy and I are meant to be and still not entirely convinced that we arenāt currently dating, and Iām kind of dreading what that might mean for Bethlehem 2k18. Ā Honestly, Iād rather not have to deal with the fallout of my parents actually giving in and getting me a bartered husband, no matter how hot he might be. Ā But I feel like theyāre going to accept one year, especially after what we did this year. Ā
The Goat Guy says his mom isnāt any better, and is already planning for next year but wonāt let him know anything. Ā Maybe I can convince my parents that I never have to go back ever again.
Two weeks later, I caught the Goat Guyās eye from across the psychology lecture hall, waving him over.
āHey,ā I said, grinning at him as he slipped into the seat beside me. Ā I turned to my friends. Ā āGuys, this is Gregory the Goat Guy.ā
āHer fiancĆ©,ā he added, and I snorted at my friendsā incredulous looks and punched him gently in the shoulder.
āNot my fiancĆ©,ā I corrected, and turned back to him. Ā āThe llama was impressive, but you know my dadās expecting a camel.ā
āDarn,ā he said, laughing. Ā āI could have sworn you said llama. Ā I guess Iāll have to find a camel by next year if we ever want to get engaged.ā Ā He paused, raising an eyebrow. Ā āBut you know, I did get arrested before your parents had a chance to decline the offer this time. Ā Maybe they were going to say yes to the llama.ā
āWait,ā my friend said, leaning around me to give the Goat Guy a once over. Ā āThat story was real? Ā The Goat Guy actually exists?ā
