It’s so hard for me to explain how I’m feeling. I just need an outlet and I haven’t been on this app in seven years but I remember the comfort and relatability and vulnerability tumblr had allowed me in my teen years so I guess I’ll try to type my feelings out here at the ripe age of 26.
I just want to start off by acknowledging that Liam Payne had made some mistakes. It’s really difficult because I feel guilty having such strong emotions about someone who I know has done some bad things. I guess I’m learning that grief and mourning are very strong emotions and feelings. Just because he did some bad things does not mean he deserved to die. I think what is very upsetting to me in particular is that Liam was never able to grow and heal. It just makes me so sad that he didn’t accept the help that he so desperately needed. Liam deserved a chance to right his wrongs. He deserved a chance at redemption. But in a way, he was set up for failure for a long time. I truly wish I was surprised but anyone could see he was clearly not well and had been using substances for a long time. His alcoholic tendencies that stemmed from one direction set him up for failure and inevitably put him on this path. But, I still don’t think any of this is an excuse for his abusive behavior. I am mourning Liam but I am in no way excusing his actions.
I’m not just mourning Liam. I am mourning the true end of one direction. I feel like I never truly believed one direction was over. Maybe it was delusion, maybe it was hopefulness that one day, maybe 10 years from now, we would have some sort of reunion. I hoped that these boys would heal from the trauma caused by one direction. I hoped they could all work out their problems and that with time and maturity it could be something healthy. The boys were so young in the band. Now that I’m older I can truly see how toxic one direction was. I’m so saddened that this time to heal from one directions trauma has just caused even more trauma for these boys. I’m saddened that Liam never truly found his place after the band ended. I’m saddened that one direction brought me so much joy, but being in that band killed Liam.
Part of me wishes this band never happened. The sweet loving boy I fell in love with through my screen would still be here. I’m so conflicted on how to feel about one direction now. I can’t even listen to their music right now. How did something that caused so much joy lead to something so tragic. I think of how much one direction changed my life. I was a lonely teenager. I had friends, but I never had a “group.” While other groups of friends would go out after school, hang out at each others houses, have sleepovers, I would spend time by myself. Watching one direction music videos, video diaries, concert videos, interviews, performances, funny moments, over and over and over again. I had blogs and instagrams and twitters dedicated to this band, and I would get to talk to friends online who related to me. It was like even if I was having the worst day at home or at school, I could log onto my laptop and one direction was there. And then there were the few friends I met at my school. I made a best friend and we were both going through horrible circumstances, but we bonded over one direction together. We went to their concert together. We had each other. Even if it was for a short time and we grew apart as we got older, I had someone who truly understood me. If it weren’t for one direction I truly don’t think I would have anybody.
One direction truly change my life ever after they disbanded. They made me realize I had a passion for live music. After I went to my first one direction concert, it was like I was addicted. I needed to go to more. I was lucky enough to see them twice in high school. Once I was in college and had the means to go to concerts, I was forever chasing the high of one direction. Even well into my 20’s, my passion for live music hasn’t changed. From going to music festivals, to following Harry around on tour, to still going to 5sos shows after I saw them open for one direction in 2014. I wouldn’t have any of this life that I live without one direction. Concerts have become my happy place. My comfort zone. My safe space. And I’ve experienced so many new things and discovered so many new artists.
It’s just really hard that one direction changed my life in such a monumental way, but brought so much pain to those in it. I’m going to zayns first solo show next week and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know how he’s going to do it. My thoughts on the Zayn situation have also changed so much as I’ve gotten older. Initially I was angry and upset but now I see how these teenage boys were being controlled and emotionally abused for years. I’m worried about how this is going to affect Zayns confidence on stage and his anxiety about performing that he’s worked so hard to overcome. But I am mostly worried about Louis. This saint of a man has gone through so much. I just truly hope Zayn Louis Niall and Harry can get through this dark period together.
I’m just sad. I’m sad that Liam Payne is gone. I’m sad that Liam Payne never got to heal. I’m sad that the boys reconnected this way. I’m sad that it will never be 5/5 ever again. I’m sad that one direction is actually truly over.
Thank you Liam, Louis, Niall, Harry, and Zayn for everything.
Rest In Peace Liam Payne.
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