As a child, I never thought that at the age of 23, I'd be in the place that I am today. I didn't think I'd be the person I am today. Although I may be blessed in certain aspects of my life, I cannot say that I am happy with my life or with myself. And I cannot say when the last time was that I was truly happy at all. I didn't think that at 23 I would still be living at home. I should feel like I have it made. I live rent free with my parents who buy my food, etc... I feel like I'm being ungrateful for not being happy. My parents have done a lot for me. I cannot thank them enough for the things they've done through the years. At this point, I don't know how much longer I can take living here. The constant tension between my mom and dad is hard to deal with. The frequent arguing and the long bouts of them not speaking to each other is not something I should have to worry about day in and day out. My dad holds the fridge open too long and that's all it takes to start a fight, for example. When I'm home, all I do is worry about whether or not they'll be talking tonight or when the next argument will be. I have a ton of other things to stress about. I'm sure this added stressor doesn't help me at all. When it comes to holidays, those are just as eventful. Christmas has to be the most stressful and tension filled time of year for us. Our Christmas Joy last from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day. Except for the year mom was pissed at dad and didn't open his gifts on Christmas day. Every year, leading up to Christmas, it's a battle as to whether we're putting the tree up or not because she hates the furniture placement or she's just "not in the mood." Again, I feel like this is just me being an ungrateful child. I've tried many times to speak up and try to help things along in regards to the holidays or calm things down when it comes to their arguments but I've learned to just sit silent like them. It might be awkward but what would be more awkward would be us talking about what we think and how we're feeling. That's something we NEVER do in our family; express our feelings in any way, shape or form. More days than not, I'm just down in the dumps. I just want time to myself. But that's hard to come by. Honestly, when all three of us are together at home, I'm always on pins and needles because it's a matter of time until he does the smallest thing the sets her off and I am in the middle having to listen to it all. I wish I could feel comfortable talking to them about what I'm feeling but doing so just doesn't feel good at all. Feeling suppression is what we do. Maybe if I could open up more, I wouldn't hate the person I am. Maybe if I just maned up instead of cowering and making excuses, my world would open up. Just maybe... Maybe I could admit to them who I am. What I'm feeling on the inside. Maybe I could find that special someone that makes me laugh and smile. Even though I know that I should feel this way... I feel completely alone. Sure I have my best friend who I can talk to about anything and always makes me laugh and I have my family but I have no one in my life who knows exactly what I going through. No one who could remotely understand. And being from a small, conservative area, it makes it all the worse. I'm 23 years old and feel like I'm just wasting time hiding behind a fake facade, lying to the people I shouldn't be lying to. But for me, it's not as simple as just spouting off what I want to say. I'm not blaming anyone, even though it sounds like I am. This is all on me. I know that. I can change all of this if I wanted to. And maybe, I can do that. When? I don't know but I don't feel like I'm anywhere near ready. I do know I can't go on much longer living like this. Something has to give. I want to smile every day. I want to be happy and I want to know the feeling of true happiness.
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