there was a time i thought we’d never grow up. that that moment in time would last forever. here we are, in our 30s clinging on to nostalgia and a different time. it makes me sad that life will never be the same again, society and the world is forever changed. it makes me even sadder knowing that now you’re forever gone, and i’ll never get to experience the adrenaline rush of your touch ever again.
sometimes i get genuinely depressed thinking about the past. times that are so far away now, with few pictures to remember them by. that just wasn’t the norm back then. but to cheer myself up i think how lucky and blessed i am to have had the opportunity to live through such an incredible period in time. a simpler, less connected era where people lived life in the moment and not behind a screen. some people will never get to experience that time. and instead will only be able to romanticize what they’ll never know. i’m thankful for the memories.
that mindset is the only thing carrying me through your death. that even though the time is gone and i’ll never get to experience those days ever again, i’m eternally grateful that i got to experience them at all. that i got to experience you. got to experience us.
i’m staring out onto the street i’ve lived on since i was 21. the age i met you. the street you’ve come barreling down countless times. snow quietly falls, static fills my ears, my eyes burning, and the news of losing you fresh and raw like an open wound. that 21 yr old girl is 32 now. with an iron clad wall up to other men, however it would fall like jericho to you and only you. i think i’ll always stare out onto this street, waiting for your car to turn down once more, excitedly ready to buzz you in. but now i stand stoically, with a hole in my heart in the shape of you. a hole only you can fill.
i’ll never be able to articulate it, but i was drawn to you like nobody i’ve ever been to before. even people i had long term relationships with can’t come close. every post i’ve written on this silly, dusty blog was about you. and only you. anybody who may have read them and thought they were the inspiration was simply wrong. you were and are forever the muse. with that said this will be the last post i ever write on this decade and a half year old blog. that particular light has officially burned out.
my mind fails to wrap my head around the fact i’ll never see you again. i’ll (hopefully) grow old and still dream about your face, your touch, your smell, your taste, the way you’d look at me even after a decade. you made me feel so beautiful without saying one word. i am trying so hard to put those traits in a deep vault in my mind, where there’s no possibility to forget them. i’ll always remember you as one of the most beautiful men i’ve ever met, which i find peace but also sadness in as you didn’t get the chance to evolve into an older version.
in an alternate universe i pictured what our future would be if we ever got on the same path. you settled down and we had the cutest children the world has ever seen. that slavic gene pool would’ve been otherworldly. your blue eyes, my blue eyes. your full lips, my full lips. both our manes of thick hair. but it never did happen, and maybe that’s what the universe wanted - us to only have a life of fun together, unfortunately but perhaps now fortunately nothing deeper.
you lived life on your own terms. eventually it all caught up. i know some days i’ll think this was all a dream. i’ll wake up and its 2013 again. you’re still here. i’m driving my car from the club at 5 am and we go have sex in someone’s backyard just for the thrill. or i’ll be walking up your back steps, you standing in the door way asking “what took you so long?”
i think i’ll always wait for your text. or your call. or the rush i’d get when you’d say “i miss you, baby”. i wish i could bottle up that euphoric feeling. just for rainy days or to ease my fear that i’ll never experience it ever again. even if it never does come around another time, i’m just eternally grateful that it ever did.
the end of an era. i guess we did grow up.










