octopus testicles

[bigmacandcheese-99]

why can i remember detailed events from when i was 4 years old, but i can’t remember where u told me u work like five mins ago

[bigmacandcheese-99]

what are ur pronouns? i’m talkin shit about u but wanna be respectful of ur identity. xoxo

[bigmacandcheese-99]

anyone who calls me on the phone to talk instead of texting like a normal person should be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

[bigmacandcheese-99]

me: “i cant wait until i turn 18. im gonna go to clubs, and party, and have the time of my life!”

also me: “mom can u grill me a cheese?”

[bigmacandcheese-99]

star light,

star bright,

first star i see tonight,

wish i may,

wish i might,

get the wish i wish tonight,

i wish my amazon packages would hurry tf up

[bigmacandcheese-99]

I find that the older i get, the more i wish that roundhouse kicking people in the face wasn’t considered felony assault.

[bigmacandcheese-99]

the desire to live in bed watching tv and live off of a strict diet of lava cakes has been overpowering lately.

[bigmacandcheese-99]

here to update y’all on the life status! i have stopped wearing bras so basically yeah i’ve given up. :)

[bigmacandcheese-99]

getting in the spooky season mindset; i’d like everyone to know that the ouija boards are banned. the only kind of spirits WE need, come in bottles from the minibar.

[bigmacandcheese-99]

Tinder, except i’m swiping right on cures for my mental illnesses instead of left on STDudes.

[bigmacandcheese-99]

does anyone else have a feeling that Prince Charming from Cinderella had a foot fetish?

[bigmacandcheese-99]

I sexually identify as a muppet that was too haunting to make it into the muppets movie

[bigmacandcheese-99]

if i still had all the beef that I've created over the years i could run my own McDonalds

the biggest loser on earth (me)