Endings and Beginnings
Tomorrow is the day. The day I never thought would come. The day that seemed ages away. My last chemo session. Am I overjoyed? Yes. Relieved? Yes. Scared shitless? Most definitely. Because while this is the end, it is also the beginning of a new and scarier journey.
Cancer and I are old friends. We’ve done the Radiation Repertoire. We’ve done the Chemo Cha-Cha. And I’ve aced each dance. This time we will be doing the Mastectomy Mambo, paired with a Reconstruction Rumba and I’m getting stage fright. I’m not talking butterflies that a stage mom can take away. I’m talking pale as a sheet, hyperventilating, what the fuck am I going to look like fright.
I’m alive. I’m going to be cancer free. And all I can think of is what my Lovely Lumps will look like. Yep….I’m vain. But I’m female and like it or not most women are attached (both literally and figuratively) to our breasts. I joke but I’m really scared. To know my body will not be what I’ve been comfortable in within a few weeks frightens me. It won’t be the body my husband married (and worships). I will never be able to nurse again if we have anymore children. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for this step.
So putting off my ending to delay my beginning sounds pretty appealing. But I’ve made it this far. So toughen up. Embrace the new. Go big or go home. And trust me we are going big…..why the hell not?
