Big Sky Bloop!

Really, really accurate, perfect, beautiful, objective news from Montana.

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Senate Judiciary Rejects Michele Levine from Court Appointment After Learning She Enjoys the Bruce Springsteen / Obama Podcast

HELENA - The Senate Judiciary committee has voted 7-4 to reject the appointment of Michele Levine to the state Supreme Court, citing her “hard left” history as an advocate for the environment and her progressive bent.

Yet committee chairman Keith Regier soon produced even more incendiary evidence: he alleges that Levine has listened to the first three episodes of Renegades: Born in the USA, and may have even enjoyed the remarkably bland conversations between the former President and gravely-voiced "I'm on Fire" singer.

"As Himmler, my second-favorite Nazi to quote after Goebbels, would say, you can't trust someone that listens to liberals blabber on a podcast," Regier said. "There's no way that someone who is such a far-left extremist that they would listen to Obama and the Boss talk about...America...for hours on end could possibly be an impartial judge. Plus, have we even seen Obama's birth certificate?"

Regier lastly encouraged Governor Gianforte to pick Jacob Chansley, commonly known as the 'QAnon Shaman,' to replace her on the Court, citing his extensive experience with judicial matters.

[bigskybloop]

Gianforte's Comeback Plan Just Consists of Lighting Animals on Fire and Having Montanans Put the Fires Out

HELENA - With only a few days left in the 2021 legislative session, and pressed by citizens to produce something, anything, even a mere fragment of an idea resembling a Comeback Plan, Governor Greg Gianforte has announced his "Wet'n'Wild" campaign, in which he will pay residents to light deer, buffalo and neighborhood pets on fire across the state and then put the fires out.

"We are building Montana back stronger than ever," Gianforte said, dining on lobster tail at the Yellowstone Club. "We will pay Montanans a viable wage of $8.20 a day to either torch the critters or throw buckets of water on them."

A test run of the program resulted in a 20-acre grass fire outside of Busby, due to the draught pervading across Montana. Eight homes were destroyed, but an out-of-state investment firm has promised to buy the lots and build 1-bedroom condos in their place at the affordable rate of $425,000.

[bigskybloop]

Senator Regier Says Cooking Foot in Microwave Only Way to Neutralize Vaccine Microchip

HELENA - Shortly after explaining on the Senate floor that he'd "read articles about putting a little chip in with the vaccine," Senator Keith Regier (R-Kalispell) issued another dire warning: the only way to neutralize the effects of said microchip would be to cook one's own foot in a microwave - on high - for 2 minutes. Then, turn the foot over, and cook for an additional 30 seconds. Left unmicrowaved, the microchip, Regier warned, would transmit the individual's social security number and Netflix preferences to a ham sandwich cryogenically frozen in George Soros' Atlantis villa. When reached for comment, Regier added that the microwave trick would only work for men, as God didn't intend for women to come within six feet of a microwave, and that they deserve to suffer from the microchip to atone for their sins.