doubleliives + alfred pennyworth
He may have loved Bruce like a son, but perhaps it was that most fatherly of abilities to pick out the faults in one’s children - blood-related or otherwise. That wasn’t to say that Alfred considered himself perfect, of course, but there was probably something to be said about his willingness to pick up the slack of all the poor or absent fathers in his charges’ lives. With any luck, he hoped, that ‘something’ was positive.
“Do you want me to let you in on a secret?” reassurance seemingly only worked in proverbial bites; the baby-food-treated-like-an-airplane before the lustre wore off and Jason was allowed to lapse back into the chewing-the-mouthful-of-gross-puree of self-loathing. Hand remains on the young man’s shoulder, once again a very pointed gesture when the butler meets the other’s glassy eyes. “All the ‘what-ifs’ do is hurt, Jason. Beyond a certain point, there’s nothing to be gained from continually over-analysing one’s actions.
“How many years do you think I spent concerning myself with what I could’ve done to prevent Bruce from being orphaned, hm? Perhaps I should’ve picked them up at the front of the theatre. Perhaps I should’ve suggested dinner beforehand, rather than after, in the hope that they would’ve been the second group to walk down that alleyway that evening, burdened by the weight of a hearty meal.” He pauses, then, and forces back his own lump in the back of his throat. “You’re not who you were or what you’ve done, I’m sure you can agree with that sentiment. Who you are now may not be who you are in a week’s time. Your best is ever-changing, Jason, and I don’t believe it in anyone’s best interest to suggest that your best isn’t good enough.”
Jason wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but this was not it. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was about Alfred, but Jason trusted him almost implicitly which was rare for him. Something about the old butler’s presence had been a comfort for the vigilante for as long as he could remember. It was an anchor holding him in place, keeping him from bolting or losing himself to the storm in his head.
Jason’s eyes squeezed shut as Alfred spoke, trying his best to hold back the tears. Of course, he was right. All the what-if’s did was hurt. “They’re all I have Alfred,” he said softly. “The what-ifs keep me up at night. They keep pushing me to be better, to do better.” To be worthy of the second chance he was given.
If he hadn’t been paying such close attention, Jason wouldn’t have noticed the hitch in Alfred’s voice. Maybe that was what finally broke the dam. A tear slid down Jason’s cheek before he had a chance to stop it, eyes focused intently on the wall in front of him. This time, he didn’t try to stop them. He blinked rapidly, allowing them to fall freely.
“I don’t...this second chance. I don’t deserve it.” His voice was soft, raw with the emotions that were now flowing so freely. “I have...I have to earn it. I haven’t...I haven’t EARNED IT.”