In this post I talk about my emotional experience after I received an abortion. I encourage anybody who is thinking of having one to read this. I also encourage anybody who is against abortion to read it. When deciding whether or not to go through with my abortion, I wish I was informed, with all of the extensive research that I had done, about the emotions I may feel afterwards. No pro-life bullshit. No making it sound like rainbows and butterfly's either. I am pro-choice, and ask of anybody who reads this to respect my decision in courageously making my choice to get an abortion, known in this post. It takes a lot of courage to put this in front of 10,000 peoples faces. So anywho, this is how I feel. Okay, so. If you've ever had your heart broken, you know it hurts. It hurts bad. Your heart aches and you want that person back but you know there's a reason why you broke up. But at the same time you don't really care, you just want them with you. Right? This is what abortion feels like, but multiply that feeling times 100. At least for me- this is the amount of pain I feel. But the difference is, I can't have them back. They're gone. And they're gone because of the decision I made. And you know how when you break up with somebody you have at least one person telling you, "you'll find somebody one day", "There are plenty of fish in the sea", or something along those lines? My dad actually told me "Don't worry, you'll have a baby one day." Which is pretty much saying "there are other fish in the sea, Ashley." Well all I think about when I think of having another baby one day, is that baby is not going to be the same baby I was carrying three weeks ago. There are other fish in the sea? I never even got to meet my first fish, and I still want that same damn fish. But in the future. But that's not an option. Once that fish is gone, its gone forever. And you'll have another fish one day but it won't be the same fish (okay I'm done with the fish analogy). Anyways, that's when the grieving started to sink in. When I realized I would never have the chance to experience this baby's laugh, smile, bad habits, good habits, etc. That's when I started mourning over this child that I had given up. But the thing about mourning over a baby you aborted, is nobody really thinks you'd need to grieve. Nobody is coming by my place to give me a casserole, no funeral is in order, nobody is wearing all black for my babies sake. None of that is happening because most people wouldn't see this person as a loved one, most people see this person as a mistake that I had made. And I know the pain will subside and I'll eventually be able to live a whole day without thinking about them constantly. But I also feel as though I don't want that day to come. Because as much as other people wouldn't think of it this way, I respect the life that I chose to end. People have told me that I'm irresponsible, careless and two people have also called me a murderer. Well to many people's surprise, I'm not careless. I'm not irresponsible. I actually had the abortion because I thought it was the responsible thing to do. I'm a nanny. I have been for 9 years now. And I know what a child entails. That's something I know I'm not ready for, but by no means does it mean I didn't love my baby. It was THE hardest decision I ever had to make. I know there will not be a day that goes by that I won't think of how old they would be at that moment, what kind of stuff they would have had to overcome that day, that year. What their hobbies would be. What their first word would have been. This is the kind of stuff I will probably never stop thinking about. I don't know if after I have a kid in the future if this decision will make me feel worse, or if I'll feel better about it. Its all a gamble. But that's the kind of risk you choose to take when you get an abortion. I chose to make this post in hopes to educate anybody who might be getting an abortion that there might be emotional hurdles that you'll have to get through. Actually, there will most definitely be hurdles that you'll have to go through. But there is counseling for it, in which I highly recommend. This post is also for the pro-life supporters who have a pre conceived notion of those who have gotten abortions. (I know that a lot of pro-life people do not agree with harassment, but it is a very relevant issue that we don't talk enough about.) Unless you have personally gotten an abortion, you will never know how it is. There is always a reason somebody chooses to to abort their baby, and it is likely the hardest thing they've ever done. If you're one of the people out there who disagrees with somebody's decision to abort, please take into consideration of what I shared in this post and think twice the next time you harass a mother going through this. And if you are someone who has gone through this already, or is thinking about aborting, always know I'm here if you need to talk to somebody who will not judge you.
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