random shit

I don't want to call this a vent page, because I don't think that's what it's going to be. But, I guess it's just going to be a place for my random thoughts.

[billie-xo]

it hurts.

i dont know what hurts, but it does. actually i dont know whether hurt is the right word. its more of an ache. like a hole has opened up where my chest should be and its getting bigger and bigger and i dont know what to do to close it.

[billie-xo]

I'm finding this "life" thing really hard.

I was doing so much better. I would look back at my pictures from when I was at my worse and laugh, thinking "surely I was just being dramatic. Surely things weren't THAT bad." But then I remember that feeling I had in my chest and the pit that I felt in my stomach. But I still smile and think "I'm so glad I'm not in that place anymore". I remember vividly having this exact thought on the bus at the beginning of the year.

How naïve I was... Just days after that, everything started to feel slow again. The darkness returned. It sounds melodramatic, but that's the only way I can explain it. The fog hasn't lifted, and the storm isn't showing any signs of stopping. I know it's only been a month, but I don't feel like I'm living. I feel like I'm floating through the days. I'm waking up, laying in bed, going back to sleep, and repeat. Every day. I thought the start of uni would help bring me out of it. But I'm missing lectures, missing classes, and missing exams. Never before has my depression made me miss something so important. I was always so driven; motivated to not let my depression control me. But now, I don't even feel like I am "me". I don't care about anything. I've relapsed after months of being clean. I haven't left the flat in days. I go to sleep at night thinking "tomorrow, I'm going to get my shit together. I'll wake up early and sort out my life." And then I wake up at 2pm.

Last year, when I was at my worst, I would look back at my pictures like I did last month and think the same things. Any time I had more than a day of feeling "fine", I thought I was cured. And then low and behold, a day or two later, I'd be back to "normal" - well, whatever my normal is.

When I moved to uni, things started to get better. I felt free. I felt motivated. I want to go back to that normal. But I'm stuck. And I'm worried I won't get out again.

[billie-xo]

I think I knew it was getting bad again when my own internal clock stopped ticking ~ Ethan Jewell

I'm losing days. I feel like I haven't been living; more like I've been dreaming for the last month. I'm dying to wake up from this episode.