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@billybelladonna-blog
i love you!
i see the good in everyone
but everyone only seems to see
my mistakes.
i forgot the password affsjshdhsjshshs fuck!!!!!
the mad woman from my childhood.
That day was unusual from the start, when the empyrean has gone thunderous and mad. The botany is alive and dancing to the rhythm of the crashing rain. My mother and father is as happy as they’ve ever been, contrast to the weather and climate. “Why are we supposed to go out and play if it’s raining, papa?” I asked my father, a carefree child who knew nothing about murder and crime that was bound to happen. “The ghosts will hunt us down -” my mama came hurling through the door. Her expression isn’t like that of a triumphant man bringing home the trophy - it is rather troubled and is seeking for safety. Her ecstatic face faded, as well as the sound of thunder.
“She’s here. The Madwoman.” I looked up to my papa. “Who is the Madwoman, papa?” I questioned him once, and never again. For someone in a mask has gone shooting bullets through my papa’s flesh. Mama sunk in terror, she scooted closer to me in a crippled way. As if one leg has fallen out, as if she was unable to walk. An obviously altered voice spoke. “You have exchanged my child. The one I got that day is not my child, it’s her!” me, being always terrified with shouting and fights, wept on my mother’s shoulder. Especially now that the volume of her voice was beyond vociferous, not even overpowered by the thunder. “What are you talking about? I haven’t done anything like what you said!” in a shaky voice, my mama claimed that she had done nothing wrong.
Oh yes, she had done nothing wrong - but was killed.
There wasn’t any trace of memory after that incident.
And like that day, this term is a rainy one.
I took a seat on one of the available ones at the classroom.
I have only noticed it today, that my seatmate and best friend, Sheanne - looked like the Madwoman. The one who slaughtered my parents.
being eyed.
Mako has just moved in inside his new apartment. The whole unit is fine, except that there’s a marble stuck in the wall. A blue marble. Every time he passed by it, he thought the marble followed his steps and every move.
“Why isn’t there any tenant next door?” Mako asked the landlord of the compound. “Ah. That’s the apartment where a kid is murdered.” Mako nodded and asked another question. “Why is there a marble stuck in the wall?”
“A marble? No, son. That’s the eye of the kid.”
alab.
Laeuve’s head turned towards the door, where the bell chimed when a biker came in. Laeuve chugged her whiskey down before fixing her bag, ready to make her exit with the sudden entrance of the bikers.
Though it was not of timing.
Laeuve got down on her stomach when the bikers fired shots. The bartender panicked, even opened the cash register for the bikers to take all the profit that night.
Each bottle of syrup and alcoholic liquids has been shot down as if they are targets at a carnival shooting game.
Laeuve sneakily wiggled towards the exit, making her way outside.
Subsequently, a fire ate the pub out.
The next day, Laeuve told her friends of what happened.
Her friends raised brows at her.
“That pub was eaten by a fire six years ago.”
sChOoL sUCkS.
When I was young, my mother told me what wrong and right things were existent. Like what’s wrong with talking to a stranger, or staying outdoors late at night. Back then, I didn’t know some things told wrong were right and these right things aren’t even correct in the first place.
Like, school and their rules, their hidden agenda.
If you ask someone, “What’s school?” yes, indeed - they would say it is a space where we learn. A space where we discover and are honed for what’s going to be happening tomorrow and the worse days to come than this minute. However, if you’d ask me, my dear, I’d say school is just a nice term for prison where us students also known as inmates wear nice and prompt clothes and an Identification Card that’s required because honey, if you’d go losing yourself somewhere a simple I.D can tell a person who you are.
But would they, really? Yes, yes. They would. They would report it to the principal and the principal will tell your teacher. They would go over your records and all, would give them a shock to see straight A’s that cost you missed breaks and fun-filled days with your peers. Good grades earned from last year when you didn’t sleep a wink, studying hard for one lesson you simply can’t comprehend because it is not of your capability. But school thought you were wrong, forcing onto you knowledge you don’t even need Because you can do it, and if you didn’t - they will pay you an F. That would, indeed, get you a standing on a senseless ground staring straight ahead towards some dark path unbeknownst to you. Though I beg to differ. You can be a rising pop star when you can’t even count to ten. Because Mathematics isn’t just your thing, it’s Music instead; the arts. You can’t stand in front of anyone reciting the multiplication table, or factor a polynomial but you, you can sing notes from do, re, mi, and so on in their minors and majors. You can’t understand what an atom even is, but you can turn galaxies and heavens with your sumptuous creations of edible finds. You won’t know what to do when force acts on an object in motion, but the things you do with your hands craft great food, those that deserve five Michelin stars. You see, my mom told me I would be a lawyer. But I wanted to be a janitor, simply because I wished to. She told me cleaning someone else’s property was okay and noble, but it would be better if I was the employer. I asked her, “What’s wrong with it?” and she couldn’t answer because she, herself didn’t know what’s the reason and why it was wrong. So you can. Don’t let school or anyone fool you into thinking you should’t, can’t. Because you should; it’s what you love. You can; it’s your gift. Though in some circumstances where poverty and the stakes are high, don’t let the fickle, groundless, shallow thoughts of a fourteen-year-old trouble you, as anyone older than me would say. For I myself, can’t determine whether this is right or wrong; oppressing the monster that raised me to be one. The monster who discovered I am best at writing, that I am smart.
Or so they thought.
this message is from 2018, the year we met. i still love you.
I am losing sight of how we started, how we got here and why we’re together. I am losing sight of when this happened, what happened and why this happened. I am losing sight of my feelings that are now taller than my tidbit of pride. I am losing sight of my love that blew up my world. All I can seem to see is you. You, who changed this year and my whole life - I suppose. All I can seem to see is the long way down to forever, with you of course. The way down the two-way road where we were strangers, before the U-turn of unsure feelings and silent confessions, and now in one highway we walk together.I hope we never part.I hope you don’t lose sight of me.I hope, even if you’re so busy, you won’t forget me.I hope you won’t leave me.Because love, believe me, I won’t. Ever.
i tend to listen to the same song 20 times a day, every day, for a few months.
and they ask, “why do you play the same song over and over again? i won’t be surprised if your ears start bleeding.” that is so i can mend a gaping wound, a rash void developing in my heart. to put it simply; to seize memories. to seize the past in my mind because i can’t face the present day, and what more the future? when i try to envision my place in this earthen massive in the next years, all i see is nothing. i can see nothing. bleak and hollow as is the second i’m wallowing in this minute. lovely by billie eilish. i have no place, i have no right to be called “existent” when i’m merely surviving. wake up. eat. school. rest. sleep. and in between those times were a few interesting glimpses of my every day. that’s why i listen to the same song over and over; to try and photograph an event that can’t be repeated, unless it’s deja vu we’re talking about. balang araw by i belong to the zoo. i can’t seem to move on from the past, a nostalgic soul, i think i am. and it hits me every time i listen to the songs i was obsessed with when i was only falling in love or in a state of bliss, and now i bleed when i perceive every line; thinking, will it come again? the day that i can listen to this without any pain. sino by unique. “do you not get tired of the lyrics? the tune? the voice?” why, i don’t get tired of inhaling the same toxic air, which is killing me and keeping me alive at the same time, ironically. the same songs, the same, old songs, give me life and kill me every time i take time to hear them. do i get tired? yes, i get tired of trying to understand, why there has to be a song like it. a source of subsistence and extinction. the second i press play is the time i drown and breathe. hericane by lany.
do you find it meaningful now? the way i murder the play button.
it’s because of you, and everyone else.
it’s because of people that gave me too much to reminisce.
i hope, the next time i listen to a song, it’s with the people i dedicate them to.
so they’ll know the reason why.
the exact reason why
if i die young by the band perry.
because my love’s birthday is in less than a month.
do you ever think of someone and say to yourself, “it’ll kill me if you leave.” and not let them know?
do you ever look at someone and say, “you look beautiful.” out of the blue, just because it’s true?
do you ever want to hug a person, tell him, “it’s okay.” when they’re having a hard time? because when you see him cry, it’s as if your world is falling apart?
do you ever love someone as faithfully as this?
do you ever care for someone as much as this?
do you ever fight for someone as hard as this?
It’s dangerous for an artist to fulfill other people’s expectations. They generally produce their worst work when they do that.
David Bowie (via keepcalmandwritefiction)
The beautiful part of writing is that you don’t have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon.
Robert Cormier (via keepcalmandwritefiction)
so true.