Bad Janet

General ramblings of a bipolar, polyamorous weirdo.

[bipolaramorous]

Existential ricesis

[bipolaramorous]

I hate that you change the settings on my shower head every time you spend the night

I never expect it and always get sprayed in the face when I shower after you leave

Maybe I just hate it because it reminds me you're gone and now I miss you

The first time I told you that you'd make a good leather coat you laughed and agreed with me. I decided at that moment to keep you.

There's an empty bottle of soap in my shower but if I open it it still smells. Since you're too smart to leave a sweater unattended around me, sometimes I'll sniff that instead.

I'm creepy, but you find it endearing.

[bipolaramorous]

Work is frustrating sometimes. I was promoted to loss prevention, black Friday is around the corner, we gotta prepare for that madness. I want to make sure everyone is ready for the inevitable. Bitchy customers, theft, the potential for an emergency. I try to be a high energy coach, make it funny. The more they laugh the more they remember in my experience.

I just wish people wouldn't treat me like a mosquito. I don't like being annoying. I don't like saying the same thing 300 times. I don't like being a pain in the ass. But if people can't answer simple questions, it's what's going to happen. That's my job. I wish people would get that and stop hating me for it.

[bipolaramorous]

The post party depression is real, today.

Drunk 3 am conversations revealed what I've always known and always feared being right about. I hate that I love people more than they would ever love me. I hate that I give my all and invest every ounce of me when I get half assed returns. I hate that even knowing this I'll still be all in because I love them enough to stay.

I don't know moderation. Either I'm all in or all out and I wish I could find the in between I need.

[bipolaramorous]

Being an introvert is weird. The break room is full. Everyone is talking and laughing. I know no one and everyone I've talked too doesn't seem to get my humour. I'm working at a store I'm not usually at. So I sit in the hall, found a nice spot on the floor. Not as nice as the couch but definitely more peaceful.

I wonder why I can't seem to interact with people normally.

[bipolaramorous]

I wish I could find a balance with anxiety. Either it scares me in to accomplishing more than what I thought I'm capable of because of the worst case scenarios if I don't or it freezes me in place.

I've accomplished a lot this month. Spoke my mind, got shit taken care of, got promoted, more stable work hours, hell I even hit employee of the month which is probably stupid to be proud of but, damn it, I've been working my ass off. It's nice to have some recognition.

But now I'm facing the anxiety that's making me terrified to leave my house and I'm afraid it's going to fuck everything up for me again. I've got my bestie coming down at the beginning of September and I'm using that the force myself out of my self made prison. Small points of reward seem to help so I'm reaching for them.

[bipolaramorous]

I was told today that someone viewed me as a role model for being so open about my mental health struggles. I never thought I could be a role model for.... Anything, honestly. Especially not for something I view as me just perpetually whining about my brain fucking with me.

I'm so goddamn honoured, though, that I can be viewed as somewhat inspirational and encourage others to seek out the help they need. I'm often so deep in my own struggles that I don't recognize much of the good I'm capable of and it really helped me today to know that somehow at some point I made a difference. Hell, I made a difference to someone I personally view as an inspiration, role model and occasional savior to myself. Even if he's the only person I've ever made a difference to, that's enough motivation for me to keep going right now.

No matter how much we hate ourselves, chances are we're still doing something for the world that we don't realize. Keep kicking life in the balls when you get up from it knocking you down. We're better than this.

[bipolaramorous]

Some people remind me of home. The way they talk, the way they act, just reminds me of where I grew up. They're few and far between but I appreciate my encounters with them.

Here's to you, random coke head who's been amusing me all evening with your surprisingly clever banter.

[bipolaramorous]

I realized today that I'm starting to get my people pleasing obsession under control. I say no without having to think about it, with little to no regret. I've never done this shit consistently and without thought. I'm so goddamn proud of myself

[bipolaramorous]

[bipolaramorous]

Him- I don't know what I'd do without you. Honestly you're the reason I've been keeping everything together.

Me- Naw, man, you'd just do whatever you did before I came along. You'd be fine. You survived your whole life without me before

Him- it's like having asthma but not knowing you have asthma, then one day the diagnosis comes and you get a puffer. Life gets better, you can breathe and you have the answer to why you felt so shitty before. Not having you anymore is like someone taking that puffer away suddenly and you never getting one back

That's a damn good analogy and I'm writing it down so I don't forget it.

[bipolaramorous]

Photo dump of a weird month with the best humans I've had the pleasure of meeting <3 plus some super adorable animals!

[bipolaramorous]

I used to get pretty annoyed at people saying technology was ruining people's relationships. I mean, my phone is a tool to help keep me connected to my friends all over the world! Which is an amazing thing, really. Without online communication I never would have met my husband or my closest friends and I'm forever grateful for the tools I have access to daily, nevermind the fact they're in my fucking pocket now.

However, I have noticed that the less I use my phone around my friends the closer I am. That my obsessive need to answer messages and be in touch with everyone always because it always seems like someone is in a crisis and needs me was robbing me of valuable experiences. I've learned that I can be "selfish" and just go enjoy shit without being available to everyone. Chances are their bullshit honestly isn't all that important and I don't have to save everyone. This has resulted in people removing me from their life because I gradually stopped being available 24/7 and honestly I feel free without them.

So, maybe they're on to something. Maybe leaving my phone at home on game night isn't the end of the world. I don't feel guilty for not having time for my phone for 3, 4, 5 days in a row. I don't feel guilty for having me time. I think periodically unplugging is one of the most healthy thing someone with depression issues like mine can do. Balance. Balance is hard.

[bipolaramorous]

Unexpected connections

Back in October I came in to contact with a peculiar fuck boy. We met on POF, I thought I'd screw with him a bit. He had some adorable reptiles. I hoped he would turn out to be interesting. I gave him my usual smart ass routine, played the distant, aloof bitch that I normally do. He lived 3 hours away, who gives a shit.

He was a funny fucker. Hurled jokes back at me that I would have responded with myself. His own jaded, tired, uncaring attitude with just a hint of quirky, boyish charm shining through. I liked him. I figured we'd never meet, but damn, I liked this one.

Fast forward a couple months, we do meet. Me, him, my husband. We have a weird dinner together where my generally antisocial husband took a shine to this stranger I brought over. I barely say a word, I just listen. I expect to never see him again or hear from him after this, and I find out that he expected the same from me. Him due to the unending conversation with my husband that I happily kept out of to observe them, me because of my unending awkwardness.

Now, in April, this man is my best friend. We take turn taking trips to see each other, those adorable reptiles that attracted me to him have been around my neck, on my shoulder, smothered in love.

We formed an odd bond. I figured we'd talk for 2 days, then he'd realize I'm not putting out and fuck off. But, nope. Sometimes people surprise me, and I'm forever grateful for those who do.

[bipolaramorous]

As much as I can hate my job and often my coworkers, I have to say they've been very good to me lately. My husbands grandmother was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and we have to drop everything next week to see her before time runs out.

This means an unexpected trip to the south east US while we live in western Canada. So it's not a quick weekend trip we can do. Both of our jobs are being super accommodating, giving us time off with very little notice and offering emotional support. I'm quite surprised, honestly. It's restored my faith in humanity a bit and makes me feel less like I'm just a number to my employers.

[bipolaramorous]

Days n daze got me pegged today

Little blue pills to help me sleep. I don't like my life so I take 7 when I drink.

[bipolaramorous]

I got black out drunk the other day. I rarely, rarely do this because it's irresponsible as fuck and usually it brings out my inner raging bitch and I wake up to many consequences and no clue as to what I've done or how to fix them.

This time, though, I was a creature of love. After several weeks in an extremely intense, suicide driven depressive episode where I pushed everyone away and pissed them all off, I gave everyone a much needed thank you for not abandoning me. I told everyone I love them. I told everyone exactly what and how much they mean to me. I'm not an overly affectionate person. I woke up to tearful snaps from my friends telling me that I'm a silly bitch and they love me.

I feel at peace today. I hope they do as well.