Bipolar Doc

My year of presumed deception capped by a recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Wanting to raise awareness among people and connecting with others.

[lucheek]

I felt the need to explain to you all, or rather the evil version of you all that lives in my head, why I have not been as much art as you all want.

It’s a latch ditch effort, basically begging the hallucinations to stop.

If you’re wondering “Does she hear my voice?”– If I know your name, the answer is yes. I’ve heard you telling me how much you hate me and how I should die. 

There’s nothing we can really do about my symptoms right now. However, hearing from the *real* you rather than just the ghost is always appreciated and can help me remember who you really are.

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REBLOG IF YOU ARE A NON-JUDGMENTAL BLOG WHO WILL TALK TO THEIR FOLLOWERS ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING

[sheikahwarriork]

Sometimes I don’t feel any emotions, I feel emptiness. I feel nothing. Other times I feel only hatred and rage. And it fucking sucks.

(Sorry, I don’t remember, I wrote it in a notebook a long time ago)

Sounds pretty much like me..

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Wish it was this simple...

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It's been a crappy year but this just made my day. Don't know why.

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Travel

I have come here for a weekend to Toronto across the border to meet my sister. It was an interesting flight. I realized i’d never felt this alone and dreadful in my entire life. I feel like i am still vacillating between extreme highs and the dreaded feeling of rock bottom. I tell this to other people including my parents who just tell me that these are just the normal highs and lows so I should suck it up. I know that they’re trying to help but they won’t understand. 

I’ve realized that you can only understand something once you’ve actually gone through it. If you haven’t experienced something, how can you comment on it on behalf of other people? I know people try to help. But sometimes the only thing they need to do is to acknowledge that this is real and something is happening which is beyond their comprehension. Feeling something and theoretically trying to imagine about it are two different things.

Anyways, I reached after around an hours flight across the border. While studying in the immigration line with my parents, I could see one of my old friends standing at a distance. He seemed real. As real as the person next to me could be. I wanted to to ask someone ‘did you see that?’ but did not. It was a figment of imagination. These figures would, in most part, never say anything but just stand there smiling at me. I think I did a pretty ok job getting through that part.

Well now I am at my sisters’ house. It’s great to have a family reunion but things just don’t see, the same as they were a few years back. Not even remotely. Here I am in amidst of all these people trying to pretend to be fine when I am not. I feel so alone that it’s heartbreaking. And I cannot do much about it. I am just hanging in there at this point. I don’t know why. I may never be the same person again. Maybe I finally need a tipping point to actually fall over. Or maybe I need some saving that would make my life a tad bit bright and shiny.

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"The endless questioning finally ended. My psychiatrist looked at me, there was no uncertainty in his voice. “Manic-depressive illness.” I admired his bluntness. I wished him locusts on his lands and a pox upon his house. Silent, unbelievable rage. I smiled pleasantly. He smiled back. The war had just begun." from

"An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness" by Kay Redfield Jamison

[annnabeee15]

Look at you. You’ve come so far. You may not realize it but you really have. You’re alive right? Isn’t that a celebration? I’m so proud if you. You’re doing great. I love you.

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Resurgence

Lampposts in the path The shadows lengthen as I walk Then shrink, then fade Them lengthen again Milestones on the road Ominous signs of the long road ahead The everlasting nightsky Dotted with painful memoirs The blemished face of the sun Scars in the innocence of life And old wounds are ready to throb again..

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Support system

Part of dealing with any mental illness is perhaps building up a support system around you. Having a bunch of people who understand what you're going through and are non-judgmental. People who will be there for you during the worst of times and hold your hand through the terrible ordeal. Who would be the umbrella for you when it's pouring down. These people could be anyone. I am lucky to have four such individuals who have helped me up until now through this whole process. My parents for one have been very understanding. Their love, affection, care and expectations has probably been the single source of preventative factor for me doing something reckless and tipping over through the bad phase of my illness. There are so many awful things that I have said to them ranging from the fact that they're my worst enemies to cursing them during the time when I just wanted to shut myself off. But they persisted with my rude and reckless behavior and are still helping me get through this. They're the best parents anyone can have. And then is my sister and her husband who is like an older brother for me. They've been there in many ways through this ongoing traumatic experience. I know that my fight is just beginning and there is a long way to go. But having people to rely on is such a blessing. Something that I always used to take for granted.

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Ode to excessive spending in the past

I did not realize at that moment as to what was happening when I was fishing out all this money on unnecessary things but now, as I start becoming a tad bit saner, I am trying recall all those things that I did which seem fantastic. Here is just a list of things I remember: 1. Getting bunch of chocolates-in fact multiple large packs of ghirardelli chocolates and distributing them to random people. Trying to do that every time I was off from work. 2. Getting this ring for an imaginary girl that I thought was love of my life. 3. Getting bunch of fitbits at least around 15 and gifting them to people at work. 4. Getting a birthday present for every other person I barely knew at work. 5. Getting swatches for a whole lot of people. 6. Getting mcdonalds for almost everyone at a shelter home. 7. Randomly going into a shop and coming back with a bunch of games and a PlayStation. Later selling it for 1/4 of its price. 8. Ordering food via grub hub everyday and insanely excessively and throwing almost all of it away. 9. Using uber everyday to get to work even though I could've walked. This for at least 4 months. 10. Going to the cinema a few times a week. Getting a movie ticket and popcorn a but throwing them away. 11. Going to Starbucks and grabbing a whole lot of drinks including expression, smoothie, refresher and frappucino only to throw them away. This is what I can recall up until now. There is a lot more. However I've realized that at the end of it all, my bank statement is a graveyard. From close to around 9k it went down to around 2k. This for me is uncharacteristic. Thankfully all my bills were on autopay otherwise it would've been worse.

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Quit maybe?

I have this recurring feeling these days which has been on the increase. Maybe I should quit everything on a whim and do things my way? Maybe I don't need anyone to tell me what I can and cannot accomplish. At times I have this feeling of elation still where i am floating on the clouds (literally soaring) and aiming for these imaginary rings of the solar system. And then it all comes crashing down. That feeling of dread. So I am torn between these feelings. And the common denominator between both of these is contemplating pulling out of everything that I ever valued. But what would I do without? Or maybe I should give recovery a shot? It is completely black and white at this point. No middle ground. Either moving towards the light and trying to get back towards a new but scarred normal vs ending everything and ridding myself of this buried misery. Maybe I should let time decide. It's only been over a month since I started something. Maybe there is this chance at recovery...

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Just a random picture to break the monotony...

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Hallucination or imagination?

I am standing this Walgreens right now as it is pouring outside and I cannot afford to be wet at this point. It brings back old memories about when I was at my lowest point and would sleep at random places in the rain. Anyways this place is crowded with people all of whom have this smile on their faces and this tinge of optimism. I am standing in front of this window looking at the rain and lightning. And at some point I see a giant umbrella up in the sky why has spokes that are exuding so much light that it literally blinds me. And then above this umbrella appears what is likely a dimensional figure? Or something through which lightning passes and strikes someone standing under the umbrella. I realize it's a younger form of me. And I don't know what this is but it felt so real.