Bipolar Unfiltered Mama

Life is a journey of duality and growth. Here's my imperfect go about

[bipolarmamaa]

Docs Docs Docs

Recently came out of a manic depressive episode ft chronic PTSD and anxiety. Inpatient stay and all. 2 visits to the PED, pysc emergency department. I'm not expediting anything like SI or SH or HI. I just want help managing my meds to bring me into remission. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I am so lucky to be so well supported

[bipolarmamaa]

Little Rose Bud

We are pregnant.... We are literally pregnant...

We found out Thursday, 10/14...

We had a doctors apt on Monday, 10/18, yesterday. Everyone is healthy right now! They did some blood work to test the HCG (?), the hormone the baby produces to see how far along we are. I track my period religiously & seemed to have missed tracking my last one.

WE ARE 4 WEEKS ALONG.

My little baby is the size of a poppy seed. I love this munchkin so much already.

I never thought we would be able to actually carry... after 2 long years our rainbow has come.

I am overjoyed. I am so in love with my partner, he is going to be such a good daddy. He is changing his last name to mine, this baby is going to be born into a matriarchy.

[bipolarmamaa]

Rituals

-Sage

-Palo Santos

-Incent

-Rearrange

-Clean

-Reflect

[bipolarmamaa]

10.12.21

I got very upset with our boss. Hubby told him we were taking the rest of the day off to prevent an argument resulting in us not staying our two weeks.

He fed me. Got me dabs. Got my computer from work.

Took me to the gas station for a warm coffee. I saw a DILF driving in and go, “ can I say something inappropriate?” “That is my definition of a DILF” He literally says, “I knew you were going to say something like that; I thought “Kayala wants to fuck this guy.”

Drove me to the mountain to go mushroom hunting. It was snowing and so cold we literally only lasted 15 minutes.

We drove me back down, admiring all of the colors. Singing together. Talking about anything and everything.

He took me to Main Street to walk in the rain and fall colors. We stumbled into the tattoo shop. He bought my turquoise. He took me to the crystal store and got me a handful.

We walked through the rain with me and took time to window look and admire all of the buildings. He hypes me up and takes pictures.

He drove us home, gave us dabs. 

He made me shower and went to get us Subway. We ate and watched Brooklyn 99. 

AMAZING night.

I fucking love this man.

[bipolarmamaa]

HUBBA

I have the best Husband and partner on the face of the planet to ever exist. 

[bipolarmamaa]

Senioritis

I have 4 long essays to due; ALL are late.

I’m not working on them rn because I’m passing classes. UGHHH

[bipolarmamaa]

Good Things Pt 2; Septum Jewelry

I’ve had such a hard time finding a septum replacement after my piercing.

The gal who did it was so sweet, but she did it way too small. She used a really cheap piece of jewelry (I learned later) that was giving me migraines. I’d tried every tattoo and piercing shop in my town and had no luck. 

Every place was rude. On top of that, there was only cheap jewelry and externally threaded pieced.

We stumbled into a piercing and toys shop (Literally toys not sex toys lol) that instantly was like walking into Mr Magoriums Wonder Emporium; The dude was so nice.

His selections was only high end. Gold ($560+) rings and some simple rings ($100). He said he had some jeweled ones in the back on horseshoes. MF brought back a whole selections of high end crystals. I have a perfect turquoise horseshoe. 

These are cliff notes; Obvi this has more meaning ect

[bipolarmamaa]

Infertility

Another month where I’m showing symptoms. 

Spotting (I never have) 4 days before my period. It lasted 2 days, not even enough blood to fill a tampon. My period is now super freaking late. I’m having the worst cramps of my life. My PH is incredibly out of wack, but I have no infection etc. 

Taking a test is so traumatic; Taking one tonight.

[bipolarmamaa]

GOOD THINGS PT 1

I had the best interview of my life today.

I can not believe how well it went.

[bipolarmamaa]

BUSINESS LADIES

I’m a bad ass business woman. 

I got the most flattering email about my resume recognizing my genuine strengths. I almost cried.

[bipolarmamaa]

Kids and Flat tires

Flat tires stress me TF out man; Everyone in society acts like you’re unskilled if you can’t change your tire but refuse to discuss the genuine safety concerns of trying to “tough it out”.

I was CRAVING a sonic cherry limeade. I wanted, for some reason, to go the Sonic on the opposite side of town. Not even a minute after we turned in these two kids pulled in with a flat. I begged Chandler to offer them our AAA tow. We renewed our policy less than 24 hours before. 

Towed the kids home, drove them around town to find a spare in the middle of the night, gave the sweet girl a pair of pants and shoes.

[bipolarmamaa]

Period

I’ve been in so much pain.

Cycling with the moon. 3 days early because it’s following the moon.

Anger. Rage. Anxiety. Tired. Sad. Loving. Irritable. 

[bipolarmamaa]

Roses

I don’t know who is bringing roses to the front.

They, it, whatever it is, is lovely. I really enjoy them. Kind, loving, encouraging, empowering and gentle. 

I have been admiring our rose bushes. I love the bushes on our townhome. I saw 3 beautiful roses, I wanted so badly to pick them; They were like 3 big juicy apples you want to soak your teeth into. 

I told a metaphor the day before. To be gentle in a harsh world is a gift, and a tragedy. To be a rose allowed me to get picked, wilted, harmed and destroyed. To have thorns allows you to be delicate, it’s a gift. 

I have a tattoo for this. Two roses in a mason jar of water. I drew it in a college class one morning and brought it to a walk-in tattoo appointment in a sketchy area that afternoon. Reminder: Stay delicate, you are beautiful. To live, you must water yourself and keep thorns to be pulled from water. To stay delicate. With 2 bumble bees; Greek influenced. They symbolize wisdom and remind me of a meaningful conversations. I often don’t say this story but told it to my husband recently; I was reminded of how special that tattoo was for me.

For a couple days last month, someone brought roses to the front over and over and over and over.

Today, I approached the roses. I noticed, like stopped for minutes in the shared yard, to stare at them. I think staring is rude, they deserved it. I noticed how protected they kept themselves. Against the wall, behind the biggest branches and the largest thorns; Behind a large section of cat-poop filled dirt. This is the first I noticed this goof spot; We take care of like 20 outdoor cats (we have a joint town home but no one minds) who seem to have been fertilizing the bush with the poop, made from the love we fed the cats with.

The cats protect our home. Inside and outside cats guard us.

I told them I wouldn’t pick them. Someone gave me roses. Take some dying buds, it’s too cold to bloom now; Bring us in, love and cherish us while we are here. 2 red buds, 2 wild yellow roses, 3 rose bud seeds.

I held them and cherished them when I was doing my patio ritual. Clean leaves off table, arrange chairs and decorations, sweep ground. I thought “where to I put these?” I considered the ash tray from arc I have for my joints. “Would I think this is cool? Could this be him?” 

An image flashed in my eyes, like a white burst too fast for me to depict. Not a hallucinations, an image came front. Then “Silly, put them by the ghost.” I have a little Halloween ghost. “We’re dead, get it”. It was so loving and innocent and cute. I asked my husband if J had a dark sense of humor, he didn't; He was just light and loving.

I don’t know who you are, Roses. Thank you. 

[yoursinfinitely]

From Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey

[muvauranus]

New Moon 🌑 in Libra

✨ All that I seek is already within me.

✨ I balance my needs with my partner's needs.

✨ My mind, body, and soul are in harmony.

✨ I am abundant with creativity.

✨ I bless my home with love.

[bipolarmamaa]

Hubby last night while I am recovering from a panic attack:

*Collecting myself and smelling Polo Santos freaking out that he’ll attract what I’m trying to release but not wanting to say anything*

“Baby! I lit you some Polos Santos with good intentions!”

[bipolarmamaa]

Relieved

Today marks 1 week left to go on my two weeks at this job I have loved.

I feel abundant guilt. I love the owner and wish nothing but the best for him and his business. I found a friend who I think would be a perfect replacement for me. I’ve been putting together trainings like a mad man. I am putting in everything I have, in turn suffering in school. 

I’m very behind on my assignments. I have faith I will catch up; I’m still passing! I’m honestly kicking ass, all things considered. 

I’m frustrated; My boss is complaining today about how chaotic his day has been and how overwhelmed he is because he worked until 1am & his phone wouldn’t stop ringing so he couldn’t sleep until after 9:45. I wanted to say, “I love you, but genuinely fuck off. I work, on work and school, until 2am OFTEN and work the next day at 8:30 without complaining.” Letting it go because if I go, his business will crumble. Regrettably, I fear what will happen to him when we leave....

Low key wish I could throw hands with the family (not literally) to beat the entitlement and selfishness out of them so they help this poor man.

[bipolarmamaa]

First Post - I suppose

Here this goes! 

A source of my word vomit, welcome on this ride???