what happened to me ruined my life. i have a giant hole whenever i'm with another person. i can't talk about the hole because it's too much and it makes them uncomfortable. so i'm stuck alone with the hole, that is a large part of me, in order to maintain any sort of relationship with another person, even though it's an empty and hollow one for me. i can't talk about what happened to me, even if i wanted to. a coworker can talk all the time about the objectively really bad stuff happening with her child, but if i talked about what happened to me literally at all, i would probably be sent to HR. and i don't want to talk about what happened at work anyway. but i would like to be able to acknowledge it with friends and talk about the impact it has on me and my life now and maybe even get empathy or even comfort. except i cannot bring it up to them. nobody wants to hear it. nobody wants to actually know me. and i don't want to talk about it, actually, but sometimes i need to acknowledge it, and have it be known as the past-present-future hole. it's that i can't do that, even if i wanted to. and it's that i asked someone for guidance on a "hole" related matter after trying to stave it off and handle it myself as it intersected with work, and a week later after I thanked them for their help and told them how much I appreciated it, they told me not to come to them with personal issues anymore, but oh, they want to hang out next month still. i guess i'm posting this because i feel really alone, even though i know this whole swath of text probably makes minimal sense and is redundant
yousharknotpass
2087
blakekathryn
