PA Headcanons - It's Your Birthday!
My birthday is coming up later this month :3 and I'm finally getting some inspiration back to do Outlast writing. So fuck it, I'm doing a birthday post with the whole crew. Some is self-indulgent for me, some is for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!
I have to start with my guy, obviously
I hate him, I want him dead because I know he'd be such a little bitch
"Think you get special treatment just 'cause it's yer birthday? Not a chance in hell, sweetness!" *cooks you like a goose with his prod*
If anything, things probably get worse because it's your birthday
Leland absolutely takes this as an opportunity to make you miserable, targeting you, chasing you more, taunting you, etc.
Very funny mental image of Leland in the basement of the police station but instead of singing "I'm gonna let it shine" he's singing "Happy Birthday" while he looks for you
Probably makes it perverse somehow like the freak he is
IF, and it's a big if, IF he's doing something "nice" for you on your birthday, he probably lets you escape once or twice just so he can look forward to chasing you again
And GOD HELP YOU if you're in the PA Sleep Room with him
Oh you're getting a present alright it's his boot
I know for a FACT she throws the best birthday parties
It's your lucky day, your ass is not seeing a trial today
"Happy birthday, my little gosling!" What strings did she have to pull to make you your favorite kind of cake for your birthday? Maybe someone got the good ol' Futterman drill to the head, but who cares!
Makes the BEST birthday cakes and will make you whatever you want
Angel food cake? Chocolate and vanilla layers? Strawberries on top? Gooseberry's got you dawg
She 100% made you a cute sweater as a birthday gift
Futterman WILL insult you if you question anything Gooseberry wants to do for you
"Think you're too good for my daughter?! You ungrateful little WRETCH!" "Dr. Daddy, please! They're just a bit tired. They deserve a nice, calm birthday." "They deserve a drill up the arse, HA-HA!"
Just ignore Futterman and let Gooseberry throw you the best damn party ever
She's making all the other PAs sing "Happy Birthday" to you
It pisses me off, but this guy would probably be very good at throwing you a birthday party
It's different from a Gooseberry party though
While Gooseberry is making you sweaters and giving you plushies and baking sweet treats, Franco is a hookers and blow type of guy
"Let's get this fuckin' party started" he says as he pops open a variety pack of cigars for you
Definitely has your favorite kind but also some new things for you to try
Might also cook for you? If he does, let him do his thing, do not fuck with this man when he's in the kitchen
I don't think Murkoff would actually let him have real people for entertainment, but he definitely has his sexy mannequins all over the place
Probably made one that looks suspiciously like you
Definitely flaunts that thing around
Do not drink the milk he brought to the party, you don't wanna know where he got that
Definitely a weird but oddly chill party, you get a pass for now, Bambino
This one's for you @birdieormutt
Your birthday isn't for awhile but let's just pretend okay?
Liliya does not strike me at all as a party goer or someone who particularly enjoys throwing them, not big ones at least
But she wants to do something for you
Not a big party, but rather just a very nice day with just her
No one else, just you and her with the tables turned because on this day, she's gonna pamper you
"God gave you the gift of life today, my lamb. Allow me to show you a taste of His eternal love~"
She's hand-feeding you whatever food you wish, giving you massages with scented oils, prepping a lovely bath for you with candles and everything
It's a little off-putting to see her so willing to serve you, but you'd better enjoy it, it won't last after today
These guys freak me out AND piss me off, but I know they have their fans
Kress enjoyers, this is for you
They're dickish and pompous, but honestly, they probably know how to throw a party
Your ass asks for something simple like a steak dinner and they do not accept that
"You wish to eat like a commoner?" "How awful that you do not know the finer things in life." "Let us show them, my love."
They literally work for Murkoff so if anyone can pull off a fancy dinner party for you, it's these guys
I'm talking wine tasting, I'm talking a 3 course dinner, I'm talking in-person classical music as entertainment
They're definitely teaching you how to sit and act properly at the table tho, it's your party but it's still a Kress party, you'd better act like it
Probably poking fun at you for little "improper" things you do, but they let it slide for now since it's your birthday
Why yes I did steal the colors for Arora and Otto like how Birdie writes them, thanks for noticing :3
I was going to do the Ex-Pops as well, but perhaps I'll save that for another post. Maybe if y'all ask nicely I'll do it >:3
Leland Coyle lemme hit it please, it's gonna be my birthday PLEASE
