Dani Baby

[bisexualaliennut]

I woke up with the worst headache and went to bed with one too. My boyfriend is sleeping in his bed while I am in the kitchen. I have a desire this morning to be utterly alone my brain cant stop thinking of everything. I feel mentally overwhelmed and have no clue how to get it out. I thought I could stay with him by using him for the time being. I do love spending time with him I am home until I get enough money to move out why not. But I feel like that is against my authenticity. Its not in my values to use people. And apart of me respects him enough to not use him. I do love him, I do see a future, I want a future with him. I dont know what that means for us I am very young but I know I want something more than we have now. I just want him to be as comitted as I am. He wants to fuck other people but barely wants to fuck me he likes the idea of freedom but doesnt even want to use it on me its like a oxymoron. I want him to get up and make love to me but he doesnt he stays in bed complains he does not feel goodbecause he is depressed. I guess its my fault living in a fantasy that he wants to fuck me all the time. He has a high sex drive just not for me. I feel so done with his shit I dont even want to deal with him. 

[bisexualaliennut]

They bring you a tray full of pills

Offer you a drink and say here why don’t you spill!

Of course you can spill- but then you will need more pills.

Sigh.

I only write when it’s fun and I’m inlove with myself again.

It’s been a while since you seen my like this my love your tortured body filled of lust

Everyone is fuddy-duddy in there own way but when your body is a mind game of sadism like a monkey playing the tambourine is unknown that I will see you again.

[bisexualaliennut]

It’s the same everyday

They promote you.

Look you see over there! the tiny imprint of your fingers gliding along- just soft rain

In grass there are puddles that remind me of your bleak translucence - just hard rain

Touching grass.

But they want want to promote you.

Rough and tangled like the waves of broken glass tied in a bow.

You don’t make sense. But your trying

To promote you.

[bisexualaliennut]

I started lexapro AGAIN today. This will be my third time trying medication to combat my anxiety and mood in general. A lot of people do not tell you this but anxiety is not just anxiety without depression following along like an aimless puppy and vice versa. My permanent decision to start lexapro again was because last week I had an episode of cutting. I did not tell anyone about it including my boyfriend who did not even notice the cuts on my arm. I had to learn to hide them. Today I am very overwhelmed I have two tests that do not interest me. I tried to study and feel like I failed miserably. I want to be alone and sleep!! I want more passion from my partner who seems to literaly be coasting on a thread as well. I think about people in my family how miserable they were too with life and feel like there may be no hope. My own great aunt killed herself followed by her children trying to commit sucide and then there children and so on. My grandfathers family are all drugs addicts and my mothers are narcissistic alcoholics. I dont want to talk to anyone and feel upset that probably for the rest of my life I will have to take lexapro. I am panicking about going to school as well. I let every negative thought control my life and I wish I could throw it in the trash. I have this stuckness inside me that I can leave. I want to listen to blond all day and cry and sit here. I hate that I have to go on lexapro AGAIN but literally how else will I be able to be happy for this short time I am on earth. 

[bisexualaliennut]

I’m all obsessed with being perfect. For people. For myself. When if I’m myself I am perfect the way I am. It’s ok to be imperfect that’s what some people may love about u. U don’t have to look the part….. you are the part because your here. Start taking care of you. You don’t need peoples approval to feel perfect you just need your own. Starting tonight I am going to stop being physically and emotionally the way I think people want me to be. I will just simply be me.

[bisexualaliennut]

Watching myself die inside while you look at other woman is saddening. I wish you could only be with me. I want you to put all that energy you do looking at other woman, thinking about having sex with them, on to me. Its hard to look at you its a push and pull when we are together. I am waiting for your attention yet you distance yourself from me in a way that is so methodical. I have you like that, like you say you love me but I do not know. I look through your followers and see woman that look so much better than me, I know you are jerking off to them. I want you to want me like that. I wish you wanted me like that in that way. I wish you wanted me in all ways. I want to be your lover and your girlfriend. I want you to do dirty things to me the way you used to but why do you want other woman it breaks my heart. Am I not enough? Is it just a mans wondering eyes? I want to ignore you until you want me again. I want to be wanted. I send you pictures to excite you. To show you I want you. I want you to show me you want me but then I will be toxic like that. 

[bisexualaliennut]

Why is everyone moving on but I am not 

[bisexualaliennut]

I feel like my mind is more chaotic than usual. I went to therapy today and she told me that i need to do everything I have been avoiding (which is a lot) including emotional conflicts with friends and family. I fear speaking to a lot of my friends because I dont want to be judged or feel as if I have to put a mask on in front of them. I just went through a really bad depressive episode from August 26-September 26th and for the past month I have felt better. A lot of the depressive episode was situational. Even while writing this I find myself judging myself for having thoughts that I am still wary about my boyfriend even though he has been amazing, I am still depressed but functioning yet having restless and agitated energy. I like things but do not fully love them I am a hedonist and get stuck doing mostly only pleasurable things. I have been more focused on crocheting lately I forgot about school. I have no energy to go and just want to stay in bed today. I feel so exhausted even though my mind can not stop spinning on the things I have to do yet I don’t do them. This just entails my ADHD is getting worse. My ADHD has been so bad lately and the funniest thing is I am a psychology major and I know that stress worsens ADHD. I put too many things on my plate making me avoidant of almost every aspect in my life. I lose things and in return I am losing my mind. I have no interest in trying to find it. I know I could do better in school but I have no desire to try. I feel selfish for making my boyfriend deal with me when his good friend just died. I pretty much feel like an asshole making him deal with me while I know he is going through his own shit. Why do I feel so fucking annoyed at him for talking to woman even though he loves me. He has friend who are girls and I find myself getting jealous a girl thought he was hot and then wanted to have a threesome with us. I am mad he never showed me the messages. Why do I feel this way? I miss my best friend so much I wish I could tell her all of this but she is mad at me because I never went to visit her at her college. I just want to escape my life right now more of my head because it is beating me up and i feel so uncomfortable with myself today. Maybe I should just accept that today isnt a good day. 

[bisexualaliennut]

Looking for

fuckint chaos. I’m literally insane.

[bisexualaliennut]

I hate the way I feel right now. My boyfriend told me he feels depressed and is missing to days of work. The last time he did this we broke up because he was depressed and said being in a relationship made him feel depressed and that he wanted to see other people. As of recently we were in an open relationship and I told him two days ago I could not do it anymore. Ever since then ive been happy while he’s stayed home and complained about his stomach. I tend to look too into things and because I cant express to him that I am nervous he is not happy because I took away the open relationship I a feeling stuck, sad and alone. I am curious why I feel like this when he tries to do everything he can to make me happy as of recently. I asked him why hes depressed and he blamed it on his head and his stomach. I just feel so unsettled and nervous about the relationship in general that any differences in personality I immediately blame it on myself which I know is not right. It took a lot of courage to tell him that I did not want to do the open relationship anymore. I could not stop thinking about him with another woman and it upset me. I wish I could be more independent and not have other people affect me so much. He is the first man I feel like I truly loved. I told him I loved him in July and he still has not said it back, the thought upsets me everyday. The breakup heavily affected my mental health. A lot of things have happened to me this year and that was the tip of the iceberg. When we got back together I thought I was going to feel better, he has felt great and I have felt like shit. He has been so happy and he said its because he cares about me so much but thats hard to believe since the moment I offered the open relationship is when he got more happy with me. I feel bad because I am being passive agressive because not being able to be your full self with someone is really hard.  I am getting my period too which is making me even more emotional and this month has just truly sucked. I hate school. I cant stand going there sometimes because i have no friends there anymore. I have transferred schools twice went back to the original. I wish I had more people to lean on but I pushed everyone away and lost so many friends because of my ex boyfriend who would make me push people away. During this time of year I sometimes miss him but just the nostalgic of it. I hate having so much on my mind and not being able to be open to the person that I am with in fear that it will be “too much” for them or they will leave. My ex made me feel like I am impossible to love and my boyfriend breaking up with me has made me feel like I am easy to leave behind. I feel so insecure and I wish this feeling would end because it feels constant. I have never been depressed so consistently for so long. I thought yesterday I was feeling better but as today went on I could feel myself crumbling again. I could feel myself wanting to runaway from myself and wishing I could start the day over. I wish I could be that person that never thought about anything. I wish I could just live my day. 

[bisexualaliennut]

It’s not ur job to make someone happy by compromising your own happiness.

[bisexualaliennut]

You already feel like shit it can’t get anyone worse. Despite always feeling bad why do I fear always feeling bad when I already feel bad. It’s counter productive. I hate the way I feel yet I fear I could feel even worse when I am the one making myself feel bad. I can’t get any worse like I said. You are safe now you are safe now. Stop thinking your in a world still where u are unsafe you are so safe your brain is so healthy. Relax you are your own hell. Stop and listen.

[bisexualaliennut]

Hey I feel like I literally can not do this anymore. I am so stressed by us. I am constantly wondering if u like me if u will leave what’s going on with us. It’s filling my head and I hate it. When I’m not with u I feel so unsure when I am with u I feel so unsure. U told me things that can’t leave my head and I am still hurt. I don’t know how to get them to leave and I always wondering in the back of my mind if you really feel that way. Which person is you? The one who didn’t want to be with me or the one that does? What sucks most is I like u a lot I can’t imagine not being with u I just do not know exactly how to get through this. I need reassurance I need validation. I don’t know what to believe. I relied on your actions before and they weren’t true u said u were happy but it was always running in the back of ur head if u actually wanted to be with me. I tried staying quiet for ur sake but I can’t just jump back into this still hurt. I want to pretend like everything is ok but it isn’t I’m so depressed and don’t know what to do. Please just tell me.

[bisexualaliennut]

Probably should be writing down my biology definition and not writing on tumblr but I dont think I can do anything until I get this down. I hate every aspect of my life right no besides school and the only reason is because it is not stressing me out. But then i look at the long term and the long run of school and that also is severly depressing. I get a job have a family and then die. Ill form connections and interpersonal relationships but nothing seems satisfying right now. Nothing. My boyfriend and I are having so many issues I pretty much pushed him to be in a relationship with me currently. I know he would prefer to be single. I said id be ok being poly im not ok im jealous. he sent me a nude with his dick colored in wondered who its for. I want to ignore him so he sees how important I am hats my toxic trait. I wont ignore him I love him, he doesn’t love me. I dont think hes capable of love right no and even said he doesnt know if he is. Have no idea what I am doing with him. My best friend is going through so much I feel terrible I can not be there for her as much as I can because she is away and I am back at home. Every time I drive I think about hitting a tree. I wish my boyfriend cared about me as much as he cared about him or as much as I care about him. I want to throw up my stomach is fucked up I am too skinny have no been eating nothing tastes good I force myself. I feel bad for my parents there trying to talk to me trying to make me happy. I feel bad for myself I did so much work I have been through so much and negative things keep happening to me. Sometimes I think truly its because I was such a shitty person in my past. Other times I think I attract shitty people. But maybe all people are shitty. I feel bad I am also not being attentive right now to my boyfriend but how does he expect me to. I am told I can not speak about anything of our relationship. I feel trapped, I am used to it. Sad that I am used to this. sad that I like. Sad that this feeling is so similiar to the point where I want to run away because it is too much. I dont budge I never do. I love you I stay its a downfall. Its like a dog looking outside and never being able to go out but just having the imagine of leaving the house. I wish I knew myself the way I knew a keyboard. I wish I knew myself like how I know when I look up at the sun it burns my eyes so I stop but I love it. I love when the sun makes you see orange in your head. I like replaying it. I wish I could replay it. I miss writing I dont write enough. I liked driving in the rain to “nike.” I liked making peace with walking away. I miss him. I know I am wet and young. 

[bisexualaliennut]

I cried for like ten minutes when my boyfriend broke up with me but u realized I’ve been hurt so many times pain is just a feeling to me that is always there. I drank tonight for the first time in years. Probably 2. Obviously I’m in a deep amount of people that my heart is breaking but I cried everything out and done everything. I feel sick yet don’t care. I’m reading about the 60s to get my mind off things but obviously can’t. I wish he was my boyfriend I care about him a lot and don’t even have any hate for him. I cooked dinner for him tonight made love to him and watched game of thrones. The thing that started the fight is I yelled at him about a rape scene in the show I didn’t want to watch and then he told me to leave. He felt bad and said he wanted me to leave bc he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and that he doesn’t think he wants to be in a relationsuo with anyone. The saddest part about this whole thing is that alochol is actually helping. Apart of me wants to block him on messages even tho I know he won’t text me I’m just really hurt and don’t know if I want contact with him. He said he brown up with me bc he respects me. The worst part is I feel like he’s telling the truth and it’s breaking my heart. Idk what i did to deserve this.

[bisexualaliennut]

One thing I’ve learned about panic attacks is having one feels better than stopping one!!! If you let it go and don’t fight it trust me it will just come like a big wave but it will be over. Feelings are temporary. They go away. Uncomfortable feelings go away with time but you can’t stop time. Your better off letting yourself feel then trying to stop it. The same goes with physical feelings. Yea feeling like shit sucks but sometimes you need to feel like shit to let go of shit. Your body shakes to release so let it go.

[bisexualaliennut]

I wondered away crying

A map of a shoe following the trail

This poor blue.

You gave me a notice a letter sent in the mail

A recognition of my time has been dealt with

We’re throwing you away now.

Death had surpassed and grumbled in the heat

Summer old hooked moon trapped in the sky

Poor lady didn’t go to church today

You didn’t notice me today

You never sent me a notice

You never called

You didn’t ask

But I loved you.