Real Classic Rock Stories

RIP to this blog & my creativity 2019-2019

[bitch-boy-central]

Halloweed - Bri uwu

Word Count: 1,469 words, 7,484 characters

Warings: Although there is no use of marijuana as the title may suggest there is ALOT of drug use. In addition, im sorry mom.

Y'all bitches already know its spooky season and I always try to come thru with a bomb-ass costume. But this year I was feeling a bit uninspired…It took some time along with various drugs until I came up with the best costume ever created. For this Halloween, I'm gonna be a slutty Mothman. I know Mothman is already sexi as is with all that junk in the trunk but I have one thing that Mothman WISHES he had. What is that you may ask? TIDDIES. I got some nice motherfucking tiddies and they gon be out all night so I can catch me a mans at my friend's Halloween party.

I know she would have died if she saw my costume before the party. But she wasn't gonna see or hear much of anything since she was going as a slutty Helen Keller. The whole set up was pretty wack and boring so I won't bother you with the details. But shit got fucking crazy when they party started to pop off. So many people adored my wings, tiddies, and big bludging eyes. They thought I was really good with makeup but in reality, I just cut off my eyelids and replaced them with pieces from my screen door. All costumes were pretty underwhelming not gonna lie. Sure tiddies were dropping and asses were shaking but I wanted something more meaningful than that. At some point, I got bored as shit and went outside for some fresh air. A kid walked by and said, “wHat ArE yOU sUpPosEd TO bE?” while laughing. His tone pissed me off so I whacked him with my wing and stole his candy. I rushed back inside to the nearest bathroom. I dumped all his candy in the sink and found exactly what I was looking for. Pixie sticks. Most kids enjoy the powdery candy like a bunch of basic bitches. But not me. I dumped all those motherfuckers on the toilet lid, cut them with my expired WalMart gift card, and snorted the fuck outta them. Once the pixie hit I stuffed all his candy back into his bag. I began to feel bad to I walked outside to find him laying on the pavement where I left him. I tried to nudge him to apologize but he was too busy faking having a seizure. I got annoyed so I yeeted his bag into his face. Luckily that stopped his “seizure”. Music started blasting from inside and he began to breakdance so I left him alone with his candy.

The strobe lights began to trip me out so I grabbed someone's dip spit juice and hung out as a wallflower for a bit. That was until the most beautiful man caught my eye. For some fucking reason 72-year-old, astrophysicist, guitarist of Queen was at this party in all his glory. I thought I was trippin until he came up to me and asked me to dance. His big curly grey hair was mesmerizing. As soon as he walked up to be I impulsively blurted out, “DAMN BOI. You lookin like a fineass chia pet.”

He laughed and I followed his lead as we slow danced to cotton eyed joe. His cold, dead, lifeless eyes gazed into mine with lust. He leaned in close and told me. Damn those eyes of yours look nice BUT DAMMNNN LOOK AT THEM TIDDIES. Brian was known for being a hopeless romantic. We danced the night away until he informed me that he needed to take his meds and prune juice. So we went to his car and hung out for a while. After about 20 minutes of staring out into space in a painfully awkward silence, he asked if I wanted to spend the night with him. I said “sure, I guess.” That made him pretty happy.

When we pulled up to his house his shaking hands dropped his house keys and he made a sexy grunt as he bent down to pick them up. I couldn’t stop looming at his ass.

“Oooh, damnnn! Grandaddy Bri be thicc.”

“Well, your either thick in the arse or thick in the head my love.”

I had a raging erection. As soon as he locked the door behind him I pounced on his and began to rip off my clothes. To my surprise, this bitch was a whole ass Chia pet. His curly hair was everywhere. And by everywhere I mean EVERYWHERE BITCH. I could make clothes for my entire tribe to keep warm for the winter. He yelped in pain as I pinned him to the floor and I looked at him with concern.

“What's wrong ya fucking geezer?”

“Don’t you remember I'm old as shit? I'm fucking fragile…I think you broke my hip, you dumb bitch!”

“RIP…lmao. Don’t worry, I’ll make it up to you grandaddy.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“BET.”

I peeled myself off of him. He couldn’t walk (yes I really did fuck up) so I grabbed his skinny and frail ankles and dragged his body upstairs. I think the head trauma from his head banging on each marble step lessened the pain in his hip. Once I got to the top of the stairs I threw him over my back. Sadly I forgot he was more top-heavy than bottom heavy so I dropped him…and he gently slid down the stairs. I ran to aid him as he wailed in pain. I put my finger to his lips and said, “Your not supposed to make that noise just yet.” I grabbed his cold liver-spotted hands and dragged him up the stairs once again. This time I made it to his master bedroom and was able to lug him on the bed. He had passed out at some point so I bitch smacked him awake. He was groggy and grumpy so I gave him a present. Out of my bag, I pulled out a pipe and some meth.

After a while, we began tweaking and he was feeling much better. I crawled up on top of him and stuck my tongue down his throat. It was all fun and games until my tongue got stuck in his dentures. He laughed causing him to bite down and rip my tongue in half. He was now dying laughing as I profusely bled out of my mouth. Out of anger I shoved my hand in his mouth and yoinked his dentures. I didn’t hesitate to yeet them out the window. I had the last laugh seeing him trying to talk with all that gum. He wouldn’t shut up with all his nonsense. I ripped off his Depends™ and slobbed on his knob to shut him up. He then sat up and began to roughly pet me like a kid petting a puppy. I looked up at him and smiled. He slowly peeled off the fencing that protected my eyes and gave it the mothlike effect. Soon I was not only bleeding out of my mouth onto his dick but I was now bleeding out where my eyelids used to me.

“Beauthiful” he whispered to me before picking me up by my septum piercing and throwing me onto the bed.

He went down on me gnawing at my flaps with his gums. His hands crawled up my body. He had a tight grip on my tiddies and said: “honk, honk.” He was poetry in motion. He slid his wholeass hand up my snatch and began to smile.

“What's got you so happy you dirty whore?” I asked.

“Thereths blud on my handths.”

I was confused for a sec. I thought I was only bleeding from my eyes and mouth but naw…I got my period. As soon as this realization hit I blushed in embarrassment. He saw my distress and held my hand.

“Don’t worry baby. Bludy puthy flapths are the bestht kind of puthy flapths.”

He really has all the right words. Before he was gonna dick me down he asked, “Yo, do you goth that stuth…thaths like baby repellant?”

“Is the blood out of my snatch enough baby repellant?”

“Sthiiit, you right.”

Bri made passionate love to me for a whole 60 seconds. He really wus the best I ever had. His sweaty body laid on top of mine. He nuzzled his head into my neck and began to kiss me.

“I have sthomthing to tell you.” He whispered.

“You can tell me anything dawg. I'm here 4 u.”

He shakily pulled his body off of mine…His faced changed into a young blond Swedish boy with rosy cheeks with a wide and disturbing smile. He leaned into my ear and whispered, “You’re my little toaster strudel”. Right before he soaked up my blood with stale crumpets he had kept in his hair. Before I knew it he vanished without a trace.

The end.

[bitch-boy-central]

Storming Area 51 w/ Rami Malek uwu

Word Count: 1,709

Warnings: None unless your sum fuckin normie.

As most of you heard recently some people are going to storm area 51 to quote on quote “clap them alien cheeks”. Rami and I have spent weeks planning on storming it ourselves way before anyone else as a sneak attack. Being the good samaritans we are we are not going to be clapping any cheeks unless that's what they want of course. We just want to free the aliens and maybe get some of that dank kush nbd. Since we figured aliens look nothing like humans we tapped into our creative side to make some very fresh alien costumes. First, we hit up an old costume shop and got some Teletubby suits I was Dipsy and Rami was Tinky-Winky. I didn't care which one I was but Rami specifically wanted Tinky-Winky so he can “keep that Freddie Mercury shwag” whatever the fuck that means. Anyways…after getting the costumes we then hit up a sex shop. We bought a bunch of big black floppy veiny dildos and hot glued them to the top of our tubby head to act as horns. Then we squirted a whole 5 bottles of strawberry lube to seal the deal.

I had the idea of hiding some weapons in your costumes until Rami brought it to my attention that they might have metal detectors in there. The only thing we had on us was some fuzzy handcuffs we bought from the sex shop, ya know just in case *winks with both eyes*. We began to head out around 8 pm, we drove little over halfway to our destination and walked the other half. It obviously is super sus if two aliens were driving a cherry red Sedan. Walking all that way in the costumes was rough. Sure it gets cold in the desert at night but we were sweating balls. I don't know if I forgot to mention but the costumes were preowned, there was some crusty vom in both of our suits and it was starting to gain moisture. I don't know what they ate but to me, it smelled like a mixture of vodka and spaghetti-o's. Tbh at some point, it was starting to smell pretty good and I may or may have not slurped at bit for snack…

A couple of hours had passed before we made it to the front of the base. Rami dumbass almost ruined the whole plan for us. He really thot he could just walk up to the door, knock and they’d let us in. Thankfully with my cat-like reflexes, I revved up on my vodka and tackled him. He was a bit mad since some of the vom off his costume got in his mouth but he understood why I did it. I helped him up and for the next half hour, we aggressively krumped until a guard came out to greet us.

“What's your business here?”

Rami and I looked at each other not knowing what to say so I nervously let out a ha ha, yeet. The guard smiled and let us right in. We walked down a white narrow hallway for sometime before we entered some guy's office. To pass the time as we waited for some dude to meet us Rami and I exchanged many yeet's and yoinks. After some time a black man in a suit with a bushy beard and blinding white teeth. He gave us both a warm and shake and asked us a few questions, like “who is yall”, “wus brackin”, etc… I felt like I recognized his voice but I was unsure as the eyes of my mask was covered in dirt and strawberry lube. He guided us to a bright white room and laid us both on two metal slabs. He said its “standard procedure to examine our bodies” and then left the room. A doctor aggressively flipped me over and kept on touching my ass. He seemed to be confused and a bit agitated.

“Y-you guys don-don't have…assholes or pee holes or pussy holes. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR HOLES OMG ARE YOU GUYS OKAY???”

“Yeah, we're good…we don't have any waste product because that's gross dog. All of the bad stuff in our body gets out of our pores.”

“Ah, that's why you guys are so luby and slippery…but what are those horns for?”

“Oh, those…we use those to…uh, attract…mates? Because on our planet we only want mates who are as you homo’s call bug catchers.”

“So you guys want STDs?”

“Yes, all of the diseases we welcome with open arms.”

“Sweet. Well uh, a nurse will guide you two to your rooms where you can relax and get used to your new environment and whatever.”

We were led by a sexi nurse to our room where we found other aliens being kept in cages. Some were pink, somewhere blue, some had tentacles like in pornos too. We removed our heads and saw the amazement on their faces. And from the corner of my eye I spot a guy walking up to his bars and said, “Tinky-Winky, Dipsy…yall here to bust us out or wut?” I turned to see a familiar face. Holy fuck…its the one and only Tupac Shakur. Rami’s eyes filled with tears and I was so shocked and excited I threw up all the throw up I ate. Then I heard another voice from the dark corner of his cell say, “Finally, some good fucking food.” I had no idea Gordon Ramsey was a fucking alien. Shit was fucking wild bro. Tupac told us when they get new aliens they tend to do a bunch of examinations and tests. We devised a plan to knock out the guard when he decided to take us out of our cage, get his keys, unlock all the cages, and go to war with these normies. In the meantime, Gordon made some fancy gourmet shit out of my vom and Rami’s tears.

It wasn't until morning the guard came to get us. It was a bit difficult to fight him without being fucked up on something but I was able to hold him down long enough for Rami to ram his dildo horn up his ass. It wouldn’t have been bad but we washed all the lube off our Teletubby heads so it rough…but I was able to get his keys s-so that was good…We unlocked all the cages but as soon as we were all out a nurse who came in to feed us pulled the alarm. We trampled her and met dozens of guards in the hall and all hell broke loose. Those tentacle aliens were going in every hole, Tupac pulled out his gat, and Gordon was eating peoples kidneys like it was a normal Sunday afternoon. Mine in Rami’s body costumes were still covered in lube so it was easy to slip past everyone and have time to find the man behind all of this. Running to his office we slipped off our costumes threw them at the guards chasing us. We enter the office to see Steve Harvey and his thicc mustache. I fell to my knees and wept.

“Steve…how could you do this?”

“Because no one in this world deserves to clap them alien cheeks but me.”

Rami began clapping his hands furiously and said, “Good answer, good answer.”

That dork knew that was Steve’s weakness to hear that phrase. He was stunned for a second but Rami didn’t move he just stared at him with his bulging eyes. I looked at him wiping the tears off my face and in confusion and said, “What the fuck are you doing? Get him.”

“I am silly. Cant, you see I'm shooting a laser out of my third eye?”

Realizing my vom probably fucked him up I took matters into my own hands. I quickly got up on my feet ripped off my shirt and exposed my secret weapon. My nipple switchblades I had implanted long ago (cause being a woman in this society you can never be too careful). I jabbed and sliced Steve with my tiddies screaming "FUCK YOU MISTER POTATO HEAD" until he fell dead on the floor. Gordon bust open the door covered in blood with Tupac and told us we need to hurry and get the fuck out of here. We ran down to the exit with all aliens following behind us. We were stopped by one last guard, he held a bazooka in his hands and shouted, "None of you whores are leaving this establishment! I have worked here for over 35 years and I am not letting any of you leave before I can clap those cheeks god damn it!” Tired of the abuse we all got down on our knees and prayed to the Chick-fil-a gods. Although they were homophobic their angels always provide the best help in the time of need. Before us appeared a brunette man in his company provided chick-fil-a cap and shirt. He eyed down the final guard and naruto ran into him. But the guard started yelling and grunting and his body was surrounded by flames. FUCK HE’S GOING SUPER SAIYAN. We had no fucking idea this guard was a weeb. We should have known seeing him eye the tentacle aliens. The chick-fil-a dude was still naruto running at him with all his might. As their two forces met a bright white light appeared blasting everyone and everything back. By the time I was able to get up and collect my thoughts, I saw the building was in complete ruin and both men had combusted.

Luckily none of the alien homies were harmed. We collected each other out of the rummage and most returned to their space ships that have been buried under dirt for decades. They all thank Rami and I for our brave work and showered us with gifts. Not only did we get that dank kush but every time you take some out of the bag more regenerates. Another alien gave us our own big tiddy anime gf and I thought that was very cash money of him. Tupac was kind enough to give us a ride back to our place. We smoked together before he flew back to Cuba to chill and live out the rest of his days.

[bitch-boy-central]

A Night at Neverland Ranch uwu

Joe x reader

Warnings: Warnings are for pussies!!! *but I'm sorry for the abrupt ending. I mean how tf am I supposed to end this?*

Word Count: 2,781 Words

You've probably noticed Joe is a very kind and giving person, and all he wants is to make me happy. So for our second time since dating, he made sure to make the night all about me. Ya girl loves the more darker themes in life so Joe decided to surprise me by renting out Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. The ranch is said to be haunted by Michael himself, and at the dead of night, you can hear his ʰᵉ ʰᵉᵉ'ˢ sweeping through the vast and empty halls. What turned me on more than dead people was that Joe had rented Neverland because it meant one of two things. 1, he got moneeyyy or 2, he put himself elbow deep in debt and it really shows how much he is willing to risk for my happiness.

I spent all night packing in excitement, I made sure only pack the essential items; clothes, toiletries, cocaine, acid, an ouija board, and most importantly a video camera to catch anything spooky things that might happen. I could hardly contain my excitement so I ended up shoving barbiturates up my ass to get a good nights sleep. Around sunrise, I was awoken by the sounds of eggs being thrown at my window. This was usual as the neighborhood elderlies were liver-spotted little shits that thought they were back in Nam and they were throwing bombs at me. This time it was different because I heard some 80s music blaring. I slipped out of my bed, pulled back my curtains, and opened my window. To my surprise, before getting hit in the nose with another egg I found out it was Joe making all the commotion. He held one those big boom boxes over his head just like in those old movies. When I was hit with the egg the yolk and eggshell slid down my face along with some of my blood and hit the pavement.

"Ooh, it's a stillborn. Isn't that bad luck? Also morning sleepy head," he softly screamed at me over the music.

"Good morning to you too Joe. And it's not a stillborn my nose is bleeding," I yelled back.

"Sorry about that darling, but don't be a pussy about it. Get your stuff ready so we rock and roll buckaroo. I wanna get my money's worth. Besides isn't yolk good for your face?"

"I don't know about egg yolk, but I know you're yolk does," I said sexily while winking with both eyes.

I rushed to the bathroom to clean up and get myself together. The next second I was out the door and throwing my bags in the trunk of Joe's car. He was still holding the boom box over his head and I looked at him in confusion.

"Joe?... You good?"

"Uhhh yeeah I'm fine. I was gonna get all cheesy like your toes and confess my love to you like in those stupid old movies, but then I forgot and now my arms are cramped and I can't move them."

"Aww thanks, Joe. That's so sweet." I *nuzzled and kissed his cheek* uwu!

After taking a second to adore my big nosed bhabie I helped him with the boom box. In the distance, I noticed that the old folks were making their way down the street on their segways. This was the perfect opportunity to get my revenge. I told Joe to keep the car running and I yeeted that boom box at those elderly whores with all my might. I knocked over three of them like bowling pins. As soon as the others realized what I had done I jumped in the car and Joe sped off.

Slowly the sun rose above the mountains as we drove up to the ranch. Joe's favorite thing on long drives was sticking his head out the window trying to catch bugs in his mouth. He called it a snack but I call it protein. It was around 8 am when we finally made it to the ranch. We drove up to the large golden gates and were stopped by security. Joe rolled down his window and the security guy slid his shades down to the tip of his sweaty and greasy nose.

After he had cleared his throat making his dad stache twitch he asked Joe in a deep and husky voice, "What's your business here bitch boy?"

"Good morning to you too sir! My girlfriend and I rented the place for the night and we-"

"Let me stop you right there bitch boy. If you are staying here then what's the password?"

"Mama say mama sa mama coo sa," Joe replied in a monotone voice.

"Alright I guess you guys can go in, but DON'T fuck up anything unless you want your asshole tased...eNjOY yOu'RE sTaAAaayyY."

As soon as the gates to Neverland opened Joe slammed his foot on the gas pedal. That dumb bitch almost rammed into the fucking house before parking like he was some badass in those action movies. An old lady approached the car and helped us unload our bags and bring them into our room. I was a bit wary of her as yall already know how I feel about old people. I saw the way she smiled at Joe, and continuously trying to show off her saggy tiddies. While Joe was in awe of the massive mansion I had a little talk with her.

Grabbing her fragile arm I aggressively whispered in her ear, "You better back off my mans. Keep that saggy tiddy shit up and I won't tip you with the prunes your bowels are begging for. I will cut a bitch if I need to."

She nodded and cowered in fear. Joe turned back to me and grabbed my waist as he spun me around in joy. After we had our little magical moment we were led upstairs to our room. The room was on some next level fancy shit. The floors were white marble, the bed was fucking huge and covered in a comfy white and gold comforter, there was a red velvet couch in the corner, a balcony, and don't get me started on the bathroom. You could fit so many dead bodies in their *NUT*. The old hag said it was actually Michael's old room. Just imagining that Miranda Cosgrove lookalike fucking on that bed got me going. We both began to unpack and settle in before given the tour of such a grand palace by the groundskeeper. Although the whole trip here was for me Joe had no idea I brought drugs and an ouija board. I'm a pretty great gf I know.

I didn't remember much of the tour. The groundskeeper was so boring going on and on how "Michael wasn't a pedo. People who say mean things about Michael are ignoraaant. We only stan Macaulay Culkin in this house. Anyone who has a problem with the home alone kid is ignoraaant blah blah blah." Okay, we get it. Honestly, I'm just waiting for nightfall so we can get fucked up and contact his ghost sis...ANYways, we spent most of the day getting on the rides in the backyard and blasting music all day. Ngl an empty theme park is really depressing. You'd think it would be cool not having to wait in line and shit but I think the anticipation is part of the fun. And tho I love Joe his screams get boring after a while. At some point his screams and my laughs/weee's got monotone. And sure some Americans pig out on the daily but diabetes stars tasting gross after the first two funnel cakes. While we waited for dinner to be served we watched a compilation of Michael Jackson's Best Moments. It was just an hour long video of different concerts/music video's where he grabs his dick and goes OW! Very romantic.

That old saggy tit lady brought out some steak and sweet potato fries, she didn't want us to get too "buck wild before sleep sleep time." If Michael really lived like this on the daily I'm not sure I really want to hmu from the underworld tbh. She watched us as attempted not to violently try to inhale our dinner. After a while, I forgot she was even there as Joe and I locked eyes for the rest of our meal intensely staring at each other's souls. Joe had trouble trying to see mine, he forgets from time to time that I don't have one of those.

After dinner, Joe and I raced up to our room rushing to get ready for bed so we can finally start the show. We brushed our teeth, washed our faces, and slipped into our cozy jammies. As Joe did his nostril flares to make sure that phat nose stays lookin' snatched and I closed all windows, drew the curtains, locked the doors, turned on the camera, lit up a few candles around the Ouija board and cut a few lines on it. When entered the room his eyes lit up with amazement. He tried to do one of those cool slides on the floor but he ended up slipping one of the candles on his leg, he grunted in pain. I came into the rescue slurping up the boiling wax off his leg. Joe is such a dumb clumsy bitch, but that's part of his charm.

We each took a tab of acid and snorted a line of cocaine. Waiting for the drugs to kick in we tried summoning Michael on the board. After circling the planchette 3 times I asked: "Michael, are you in this room with us." It slowly moved to yes and we both felt a chill crawl up our spine. I then asked, "Prove to us that you are the real Michael Jackson." The planchette then violently moved back and forth between the H and the E spelling out "He-hee-he-hee-he-hee". Joe asked, "Is there anything you want to tell us?" The planchette then moved to N then O then S then E. "Nose? You want a nose?" Joe asked. It moved to yes, "Who's nose do you want?" my heart was beating quickly as the question left my lips because I knew what the answer would be...The planchette moved from J to O to E. We looked up at each other and told Michael he couldn't have his nose. But he kept on pulling towards yes then he hee then yes again. Joe and I were terrified. We pulled the planchette to "goodbye" and ran to turn the lights on. Joe blew out the rest of the candles and cleaned up the mess we had made.

That board was more evil than I thought it was going to be so I tried thinking of ways to get rid of it. I tried flushing it down the toilet but it got clogged. I tried breaking it and Joe did too but we some weak ass bitches. I tried lighting it on fire but we didn't want the smoke detectors to go off. So I Joe and I both made the ultimate sacrifice of eating it. It was hard at first but the toilet water did make the board soft and easier to eat. By this time the drugs had really kicked in and I could start tasting the spirits trapped inside. To pass the time we watch some more videos of Micheal until we fell asleep.

Around 3 am the tv static startled me awake. Before I could adjust my eyes to the bright room the lights switched off and the static noise faded. In the distance I could hear him. His ʰᵉ ʰᵉᵉ'ˢ echoed through the vast halls. Each second they got closer, closer, and closer. Until he was right behind the door. I slapped Joe awake to protect me from the horrors we were about to witness. We both began to shake in fear as the apparition of Michael began to creep in through the door. His pale white skin peeked through his curly black hair. He wore his red thriller jacket with his black slacks matching with his black fedora that sat atop of his head and that one sparkly glove. He moonwalked from the bedroom door all the way to the foot of our bed. Doing his iconic 360 crotch tug scream he faced us and just stood there staring for a moment. The room was eerily quiet until I was brave enough to ask him what he wanted from us.

Michael replied, "You know what I want. I want that sexy P.Y.T."

I pointed at myself in confusion, but Michael shook his head.

"No, I want that nose. After years and years of performing and grabbing my dick all the time you think that would be the first thing to fall off, but no. It was my snoz. And I just want a new one so I can be like the other boys. A real boy."

"No. You cant have my nose its mine! You had more than enough money to get a fake one when you were alive!" Joe snapped.

"Seeee that's ignoraaant. Cause I didn't care for a nose while I was livin because I was really cool. But all the dead guys make fun of me now. So give me your nose. Don't be ignoraaant. Why can't us white folks help each other out?"

"Michael that really sucks ass and all that dead guys make fun of you because you don't have a nose, but that's not our problem. Besides Joe's nose is too big for your face anyways."

"Nooooo see that's ignoraaaant," Michael whined.

"Look Mr.Jackson, I won't be giving you my nose. If there's anything else we can help you with I'd be glad to. My nose means a lot to me...we've been through so much together...im sure you can understand that."

"Joe, that was beautiful. I guess there is one thing you two could help me out with...ʰ ᵉ ʰ ᵉ ʰ ᵉ ʰ ᵉ."

Joe and I turned to each other then back to Michael waiting for him to explain. He told us many times when he was a child he "accidentally" saw grown-ups have sex. All he ever dreamt of was seeing two people get it on while they only spoke in his catchphrases like the classic ʰᵉ ʰᵉᵉ'ˢ, ˢhᵃᵐonᵉ, oW! etc... For a second I wasn't sure if this was all real or my body was still fucked up on drugs and wax but this sounded like the best plan I've ever heard. Michael lit us some candles and played his greatest hits to get in the mood. He then moonwalked to the closet to give us some alone time. Before I knew it Joe had me screaming ʰᵉ ʰᵉᵉ all night, I felt just like Miranda Cosgrove.

I don't when but at some point Michael had thrown his fedora for Joe to wear which only made him hotter. He didn't forget about me tho. When Joe was distracted by the cute little scars I had on my tiddies from the amusement park Michael threw in his sparkly glove. I slipped the glove on, threw Joe on his back, then flipped him laying on his stomach, and began to fist him with the magical sparkly glove. Once Joe had reached his climax both him and Michael screamed out their final ʰᵉ ʰᵉᵉ'ˢ. Michael then gasped before saying, "Uh oh...my gooey is gonna go caplooey." A big splat noise echoed through the bedroom. He came out of the closet looking embarrassed. Behind him, the closet was covered in ghost ectoplasm. He was so ashamed he didn't even say goodbye he just moonwalked back down the underworld in regret.

In the morning we packed all of our things and got ready to say goodbye to this wonderful place. While Joe was still getting his shit together I decided to look at what I caught on camera. At first, the video was exactly what I remembered, setting up the room, candle spill, and drug consumption. After that was a bunch of weird shit of us bad acting like Michael wanting Joe's nose but the planchette didn't even move. I skipped ahead to us fucking and Michael was never there. I thought the night we had together was scary yet romantic but we were just fucking like crack heads yelling ʰᵉ ʰᵉᵉ. The only real part that I remembered clearly was fisting Joe with that sparkly glove. Looking through the tape I had no idea where I had gotten it from or why Joe was still wearing a fedora. Maybe Michael was there all along.....

[queenimaginez]

honeymoon (roger x reader)

you are in walt disney world on your honeymoon with your husband, roger taylor. you are excited to spend the week with him, and got a small piercing through your eyelid to celebrate the occasion.

on monday morning you were planning on going to magic kingdom. you woke up at exactly 7:17 am, and quickly brushed your teeth - not with toothpaste, because you aren’t BASIC, but with ringworm cream. it was never too early to protect your teeth from ringworms.

roger and you left your hotel and walked into the theme park. however, when you went to get on a ride, you realized the man in front of you looked awfully familiar. it was your ex-lover, brian harold may. you had passionately been lovers for exactly 79 weeks, and you knew roger would be deeply jealous if he found out about this. it would ruin your honeymoon!

there was only one thing to do. you picked up several handfuls of dirt from the ground and began to throw them at brian. “look at that UGLY man,” you screamed. you continued to throw dirt.

roger was deeply aroused by this. however, it is not legal to be aroused in disney world, so he had to quickly eat some of the dirt to calm down. roger loved when you threw dirt at men you didn’t know. he was such a good husband.

brian harold may turned around. “y/n!?” he asked, passionately.

luckily; you weren’t some stupid hoe. you changed your name every time you broke up with a man so they couldn’t find you again. you were going by a different name now, so roger would never suspect a thing.

“you stupid bitch,” roger said to brian harold may, coughing up a little bit of dirt. he held up his hand and (a/n: i was going somewhere really good with this but then i got distracted and forgot but it was really good)

brian harold may didn’t seem frightened though. in fact, he looked...dangerous. he smirked tenderly and then pulled off his wig. oh god. it wasn’t brian harold may at all. it was john deacon, wearing a wig! oh fuck!

everyone knew john deacon. he was famous for his hit reality tv show, John In Dirt, where he lived in dirt. and now you had just given him the one thing that made him strongest. he unhinged his jaw, ready to devour you with his sexiiiiiiiiiii digestive system. but before he could, a voice spoke up.

“sir, this is disney. you can’t kill the guests. please john,” said a very familiar voice. it was brian harold may, who was apparently now a disney employee. 🍼🍼🍼

he recognized you, and became instantly lustful. “oh my god, it’s you!” he said. “my former lover!” shit! now the secret was out!

in his rage, roger turned to you and snapped your neck with his powerful hands (he often exercised them so they were very large and strong). john then took the chaos as an opportunity to consume roger whole.

this was NOT allowed! brian pulled out his axe and killed john in punishment for breaking the rules. just another day as a sexiiii disney employee.

[bitch-boy-central]

Oink Oink Bitch Boy uwu

Joe Mazzello × Reader

Word Count: 1,324

Warnings: cartoon sex? Bestiality? Dumpster fire

Since things got serious between joe and I we began to tease each other as we recovered from our genital injuries. Sometimes Joe would shove various foods down his throat and sexily throw up a bit in his mouth only to swallow it a seconds later. The thing that turned me on the most was when he walked up to me after doing that and blowing his zesty burp in my face. To tease him I would boil hot dogs then pour the whole pot on my body. I whimpered in pain as the boiling hot water drenched my skin and clothes, but I knew all those weeinies falling on me made Joe go crazy.

We planned for our first time (since officially dating) to be special. I wanted to surprise Joe with something he would never forget. To start the night off I cooked up some hotdogs that he could actually eat. I seductively swallowed each hot dog whole one by one while staring at joe not blinking an eye. I noticed Joe became more and more flustered as I shoved each weenie down my throat. When we were done with the first course I pulled out the big guns. The main thing that will set the mood for tonight. I carefully pulled out a wholeass roasted pig with an apple in its mouth out of the oven. Being a dumb bitch I forgot my mittens and severely burned my hands. I may be a dumb bitch but I'm not a pussy so I carried that motherfucker from oven all the way over to the dinning room. I gently set it down leaving some skin and blood on the handles.

Joe asked, “Oh fuck, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm fine. I don't even feel it. Its no big deal.” I said as blood flowed from my hands and staining the table cloth.

Sadly for the pig I didn't have any apples to stuff in its mouth so i just used some anal beads I found at my local good will. Joe and I began feasting on the pig on both ends. I began from the snout and Joe from the pigs asshole. *The snout is a surpise tool that will help us later*. Whoever got to the third bead got to keep the whole thing. After a few minutes of grunting and violently eating away at the pig Joe had gotten to the third bead before I did. I congratulated him on his astonishing accomplishment.

Wiping the blood off my face and my hands *yes they were still bleeding* I looked at my champion with lustful eyes. I could tell he was still in competition mode as his neck and eye twitched to different beats. I put my injured hand on top of his and he looked back at me more calmly.

“Its time for desert.” I hollered.

He smiled. I grabbed his hand and led him upstairs. Opening the bedroom door I gave him a little toy dinosaur and sat him on the bed.

“I’ll be right back. I'm just gonna slip into something a bit more…comfortable.”

I walked to the bathroom sawying and popping my hips. This was the first night I didnt have to wear an adult diaper. My ass looked so fucking thicc, bitches be shook. As I entered I ripped off all my clothes and slipped on a sexi pink dress I had also got from my trip to goodwill. I didn't have enough time to wash it so it did still smell a bit like sweat, but I think the cum stains added character and really set the mood. To finish off this fit I stitched on the pig snout. I quickly pulled the door open slamming the knob into the wall. Despite my instant regret of never getting my money back I still kept my vibe going. Joes eyes widened as he saw me. He dropped the dino on his foot and despite breaking his toe nail in half he didnt break contact. He tried to stand but he grew weak at the knees and fell to the floor. He did this often with his chicken legs. Always lookin like a goddamn stick bug.

Putting my hand on my hip I glared at him, “Hi, I'm Peppa pig or do you want me to be mommy pig *snorts*” I said darkly.

“m-mommy?” he whimpered.

“No need to be nervous baby boy. I just want to take care of you *snorts sexily*.”

I sat next to him and looked deeply into his eyes. I ran my hand up his thigh, “Oh, I see your no little boy. Your a BIG boy *snorts aggressively*.”

I could hear his heart beating out of his chest. “Mommy pig, i-i never done anything like this before.”

I leaned in close and whispered, “Shhhhhh shhh shut the fuck up. Shhhh I’ll take care of you little bitch boy. I got you don't worry. Just shut the fuck up, your voice is kinda annoying. shhhh but don't worry mommy pig loves you *snorts loudly into his ear*.”

As I crawled on top of him we began to kiss. It was a bit hard to do so at first as my snout got in the way but we managed to figure it out. At some point I made my way down and tried to suck his dick, but bitch! This fucking snout gets in the way of everything!!!! If I didn't look so sexi with it on I would say fuck it and rip the snout off of my face. As I said time and time again SACRIFICES HAD TO BE MADE FOR MY LITTLE BITCH BOY MANS.

Anyways while I was going to town like joe did to get those anal beads Joe wouldn't stop fucking talking! He said things like, “Mmmm yes mommy pig *mediocre snort*” and instead of moaning he would just yell out oink oink. He’s lucky I love him.

Once I got back on top of him I taped his mouth as soon as he shut those beautiful eyes of his. I was oinking and snorting and having a grand ol time. Then little bitch boy licked off the tape…after all was done this whore tried to cuddle me. His dick was still inside of me. He was on top of me and his body weight was crushing my back. The sweat from his skin acted as a glue to mine. He wrapped his arms around me and he fell asleep…still inside of me. I tried to wiggle and worm my way out but…this is my life now…I'm probably gonna get a uti or some kind of infection from this. Its probably gonna be all crusty by the time he wakes up…At least we know his implants work i guess….

The next morning I woke up to the right side of my face covered in Joes warm drool. Yes, he was still asleep on me. I screamed to wake him up and I had startled him so bad he had fallen off the bed and landed on the dino toy. He grunted and clenched his teeth in pain as the tail of the dino stabbed into his ass cheek. Come to find out I was right his jizz was super crust and nasty I ran to the bathroom and cried. Tears streamed down my face and my snot had became as thicc as my ass and began to blow bubbles everytime I tried to breathe. He knocked on the door and apologized for being a little bitch boy and that he would make it up to me blahblah blah i luv u uwu blah blah blah bitch boy. But he made it up to me by letting me pull out the anal beads he had won. He even let me pull them out. The poping sounds were beyond satisfying. He always knew how to sweep me off my feet.

[bitch-boy-central]

Robbing A Bank With John uwu

Word Count: 1,270  Words, 6,609 Characters

Warnings: Mentions of Guns, Body Fluids, & Drugs

It was just a normal lazy Sunday morning, John had just finished making his famous beans on toast for breakfast. The smell burnt toast filled my nostrils with delight and euphoria. Brian had always said that the toast should be lightly toasted not burnt, to which John would always reply that the only thing that should be toasted under his roof is himself.

Carrying two little white china plates with his pinky fingers pointed up to the heaven John carefully placed the breakfast upon my lap. He then went in to give me a kiss on the cheek but accidentally sneezed into my hair. His cold snot dripped down from my hair onto my shoulder and slowly flowed down my torso. He quickly rushed to the kitchen grabbing all the napkins and towels in the world to help me clean up the thick mess he had left in my hair. It didn’t bother me much as it has happened a million times, John had a habit of exploding without warning…

After he had helped me clean up while apologizing like he had just committed a crime. To stop his rambling I place my hand softly on the side of his face and stared deeply into his eyes.

“John it’s okay. You and I both know it happens from time to time and its nothing to be ashamed of. If it made me upset I would have broken up with you by now. Trust me its okay. Besides, id rather be in a committed relationship with you rather than popin' my pussy at the disco tech on this fine Sunday morning.”

“I love you than anything, darling.” He said with a smile.

“Yeah I know I'm pretty fuckin tight…Now I'm gonna go make us some tea, love.”

Walking over to the kitchen I pulled two white china cups that had matched the china plates he had put breakfast on. Before putting the water in the kettle I was unsure which water jug to use. One jug had regular ol' water but I wasn’t sure what the other had as the cap looked a bit chewed, but it still had the water label on it so I poured the somewhat mysterious liquid into the kettle. I then added some rose and let that motherfucker boil for a bit. In no time the kettle began to scream like John last time he “exploded”. I poured the tea into the two glasses adding a tiny spoon of sugar in both of them.

Returning back to the living room I saw that John had not touched his breakfast. I concerningly asked him if he was okay, he was he just wanted to eat with me.  We spent the next hour chatting and pecking away at the breakfast and tea while having the television act as background noise. Nothing interesting was happening in the world today.

Some time passed and we both noticed the TV starting to wobble and melt. I ran upstairs and everything began to look very unusual. Quickly John runs to his safe keepings and turns to me with a pale face,

“Its…missing" John whimpered.

“W-what's missing John?” I said as my heart began to pound.

“The…uwus…they-they’re…all gone…”

My mind began to panic, my palms were sweaty, my knees grew weak, my arms were heavy. Out of nervousness John threw up a bit, there was vomit on his sweater already. Wiping his mouth we stared each other with our pupils dilated like a fish and knew what we had to do…we had to rob the bank.

The we immediately began dress all in black and cover our faces with ski masks. John stuck a gun in his disco short shorts for protection. No one would notice since he normally looked like he was hiding something in those shorts AMIRITE LADIES. He knew this was probably the opportunity he could pull out his black punk combat boots. While he took his time placing each one on as though he would never be able to wear shoes again. Taking the opportunity I slurped up the vomit that was still left on his sweater for two reasons: 1, so it wouldn't stain because john looked so sexy in that sweater and 2, because a bitch was hungry. As soon as he had finished putting his boots on we bolted for the door. John’s car was in the shop so I had to think of a plan to get to the bank asap. Down the street I spotted two 8 year old girls riding on their bicycles. Sprinting at them at full speed I knocked one of the girls off, grabbed her by the pigtails and yeeted her into oncoming traffic. John just curb stomped the other girl with his combat boots decapitating her. As a reward for his chaos he drank the blood from her skull.

We got on their bikes and road all the way to the local bank. Upon arrival we found the front doors were locked, I guess someone notified them that we were coming. John began to twitch as his mind thought of all possible solutions to get in the bank. He decided to throw is skinny body at the glass doors. He didn't stop until his head began to bleed and then realized that the glass was bulletproof. I told him we should just climb in though the vents on the side of the building. He agreed that was a better solution to the problem so we both spider crawled up the building and kicked the vent door in. Like rats we quickly made our way through the passage ways until we found one event opening that was directly above the main floor of the bank. John excitedly opened then vent and slid out head first without fear of possibly breaking his neck. I followed soon after hoping to land on him to break my fall, but that didn't work. My back violently slammed against the cold floor and my head was pounding. My vision became blurry I could barely make out where John was. Rubbing my eyes and opening them again I saw him dancing while humming dancing queen. I wasn’t sure of this as I'm pretty sure I got a concussion from the fall. Before I knew it he pulled me up from the floor onto my feet, and then twirling falling onto my chest. I told him to get serious and pull out the gun he had hidden in his short shorts. He pointed the gun toward the bank desks and yelled,

“Alright you big meanie weenies, put the uwus in the bag and no one gets hurt!”

The room stood silent so I yoinked the gun from his hand and shouted from my lungs,

“If you motherfuckers don't start putting all your uwus in the bag I'm gonna shoot of my dick. We all know I have the biggest dick energy up in here and I know all you hoes will miss slobbing on my knob.”

The room still stood silent so we both took off our ski masks to find that there wasn't anyone in the bank…It was Sunday, the banks are closed on Sunday. Looking at each other in confusion we left and walked back home. We sat back on the couch wondering what had happened. I went to the kitchen because I felt like maybe it was something we ate. Turns out that “mysterious water” was vodka and the sugar was cocaine….But luckily we still had all our uwus, though there was none in the bag we still had them pouring from our hearts.

[bitch-boy-central]

Amusement Park Date With Joe uwu

Word Count: 1,588 words, 8,088 charaters

Warnings: t i d d i e s

After the whole clit biting fiasco you went to the doctors to see about your detached clit and hopefully getting the rest of the splinters out of your ass cheeks. The doctors said it would take about a month for your vaginal injury to heal. Looks like you wont be popin’ that puss at the disco tech for a while. You were still pissed at Joe until he sent you this apology text.

“Hey Y/N, im really sorry for ripping your clit off lmao. Idk what came over me lol, I just really like you ig and maybe it was all the repressed sexual desires that took over lol. I never done any of the things I did with you, I didnt expect all that to happen…I didnt even know I could do that lol. Anyways were kinda even as it turns out all my sperm left my testicles when I came so the doctors had to cut em off and give me implants lol. I can still but a nut and stuff but now I cant have kids (THANK FUCKING GOD lmaoooo). But I mean if you still wanna get this im totally down ha haaa. I just have to let my new balls set in for a week or so, and im sure you gotta let the clit heal RIP. It was tasty tho & I dont think it counts as cannibalism??? Lmk if you wanna do something sometime. Hope your feeling better!! Lol.”

His poetic words while still maintaining his humor made your heart soar. You told him you wanted to hit up an amusement park or something, thinking nothing could go wrong at an amusement park. They're fun, thrilling, everyone is laughing or screaming, and their knotts churros fucking slap. He was down for the idea so you planned to go the upcoming Wednesday. Joe decides to pick you up and you frantically try to make yourself look good for him. Luckily your hair is on point but you boobs don't go with your outfit!!! Your search and search for things to stuff your bra with but the only thing you could find is toilet paper that feels like sandpaper, as always sacrifices had to be made. Even if it cut off your nipples you had to look perfect for Joe. Besides you needed something to distract from your ass, those splinters were deep so you had to wear an adult diaper while they healed.

Joe rings the door bell and you rush to pick up your purse and run down stairs. Being the clumsy dumb bitch you are you feel down the stairs dislocating your ankle. Pushing through the pain and the crunchy sounds of bone you quickly snap it back in place. You swing open the door to see Joe with his elbow resting on the door frame wearing 99cent toddler Dora glasses, a Hawaiian dad shirt with kaki shorts, a black fanny pack and chunky 80s tennis shoes. As you scan his outfit you cant help but bite your lip, he looked so fuckin hot omf daddy. He looks up at you and asks about your ankle. It all happened so fast you didn't realize you snapped it on backwards. Being the gentleman he grabs your ankle with his cold and clammy hands and dislocates it again. It hurt like a bitch but it hurt more when he popped it back it. Although it was nice to hear the small grunts that left his lips as they reminded you of the night you spent together.

Walking towards the car he kindly opened it for you. Not gonna lie his car was pretty cool you’ve never been in a Chrysler cirrus before! As he starts driving you hookup your Spotify with aux cord and start blasting Jumper by Third Eye Blind. He looks at you and then back at the highway before he starts furiously head banging while crying and screaming the lyrics at the top of his lungs. Every time the song ended he quietly asked you to play it again, this went on for a solid hour straight. Luckily after hitting a “speed bump” on the high way he just wanted to listen to Tokyo drift. The cops did blast their sirens at you but Tokyo drift unleashed his inner Paul walker(rip) and we made it to Knott's gen parking in no time. Entering the park Joe takes a map and a red sharpie from out of his fanny pack. He sits crisscross in the middle of an Asian family taking a picture and plans out what rides you’ll go on. 

You were starving so you begged him to let you buy a drink in churro. It may have been a bit inappropriate grabbing onto his leg and screaming until he agreed but he complied nonetheless. You both got a churro and some orange soda. Joe ate his churro like a dog, slobbering everywhere.

“Can you eat pussy like that?” You say with a smirk.

He chuckled and rolled his eye’s before beginning to apologize all over again. To keep things light hearted you quickly you shoved the whole 2 foot churro down your throat. It reminded Joe of the night you spent together. But being the dumb whore you are it went down the wrong way and you start violently choking. Joe laughed at first thinking you were still joking until you fell of the floor and your face turned a bright red. He knelt next to you and with all his force hit your chest with his fist. The churro shot out of your throat and landed in some guys drink that he continued to drink despite the saliva covering the churro. You hugged Joe and thanked him for saving your life.

“Thanks Joe! That would have really been an awful way to die…I owe you my life.”

He embraces your hug and smiles in response to your comment. He helps you up off the ground and hold your hand firmly as you walk over to ride the ghost rider. Since it was a week day the lines were very short. As Joe waited in anticipation he chugged your whole drink while waiting. In no time you were next in line to ride in the front. Pulling the lap bar down while Joe put away both of your belongings in a little cubby you fix your boobs once again to make sure they look good for your little cowboy. The ride soon began, and the wind blowing through your hair felt so relaxing. Slowly the ride makes its way up before stopping for the first drop. Sweat dripped from Joe’s eyebrow, he looked at you with fear in his eyes and said,

“Y/N if we don't make it out of this alive, I just wanted to let you know that you are the yee to my haw and I'm so glad you moseyed on down into my life.”

Not a second later the roll coaster shot down and Joes animated screams filled your ears. Before the next drop you faintly hear Joe say “uh oh”, the next thing you knew he threw up and as the roller coaster went back up it slapped you in the face. The acid from his vomit burned your eyes and definitely didn't taste nearly as good as it did when you guys first met. In shock you sat there expressionless while Joe continued to scream. When the ride stopped Joe rambled on and on about how sorry he was. You were impressed with the absorbency the toilet paper in your bra had. The works there were not very happy with Joe so you both speed walked to the nearest bathroom. Joe acting frantic, scared, and worried shoved a child to the ground as her and her mother were waiting to use the family bathroom. He didn't hesitate to swing the door open to find an old man taking a piss and throw him out. He did this the whole time still having a tight grip on your hand. You didn't bother to see the monster you were in the mirror, and began to wash your face. Your eyes now rinsed out you saw different chunks of food decorated in your messy hair, but you also noticed something strange. There was some red staining on your shirt that wasn't there before. Looking under your shirt to make sure your tiddies are fine you realize the sandpaper like toilet paper had scratched off your nipples. Joe put his hand on your shoulder and whispered, “I guess I cant look forward to getting tiddy juice anymore….”

Joe kindly helped you pull the chunks of food out of your hair and even eating some pieces. He was sweet enough to share some of the better tasting pieces with you. Every time he found one he would say, “here’s one for you baby, open wide” feeding it to you. Showing your gratefulness you licked and sucked his fingers after each bite. They may have had some of the old man’s piss on them but who cares…You both spent about and hour in the bathroom cleaning you up. When you finally left you both decided to drive back to your house. You guys spent the rest of the night eating take-out and watching Shrek henti before falling asleep in each others arms.

[sounddesignerjeans-deactivated2]

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I hope this is much worse than what you were hoping for!

[bitch-boy-central]

First Date With Joe uwu

Word Count: 815 Words, 4,344 Characterss

Warning: This is cursed writing...

Joe had arrived not too long after you finished your lasagna, he concerningly walked up to what was left of the front door. He slowly scanned the room and looked at you. “What happened? Are you okay?” He said quietly. His concern for you made your cooch sopping wet so you had to tell him the truth. “Your wife summoned the raptors and they ate your kids. I tried to stop her but I was too late so…I killed her and the raptors in retaliation. They’re upstairs…” You lead him upstairs to the horrific scene. He seemed very distraught and walked forward examining his dead wife and the raptors. But then he turned around and looked at you with the biggest smile I've ever seen on his face. He picked you up and spun around while laughing like a child and said, “Thank god, thank the lord, thank aunt Jemima. Thank you. Oh thank you. Y/n you have no idea how much I couldn't stand my family. I was really considering killing myself to be perfectly honest. I started that whole cult thing to liven things but they were so stale. And my wife, I mean oof. I haven't hit that since our last kid was conceived, then her pussy was still bearable to look at. But after our last kid seeing that always killed my boner. I haven't beat my meat in so long. I'm surprised my balls haven fallen off. To be honest they might look like her flaps whenever I decide to choke my chicken.” You were kind of shocked that he was so happy but you cant blame him. Since it was all gucci now you had to ask, “So…you wanna like go out on a date or some shit.” “Uhh yeah. But more importantly do you wanna take a shower or see a doctor cause I dont know if its that time of the month but you bleeding everywhere.” You looked down as a pool of blood sat beneath your feet. Joe being the angel that he is started the shower for you and gave you some of his clothes to wear afterwards. After you get cleaned up and are wrapped in his cozy USC hoodie you help him get rid of the raptors by burning them in the fire pit in the backyard. 

Heading back up stairs you both stare at his ex's body trying to figure out what to do with it. “How did you kill her?” He asked. “I just crushed her head with my thicc thighs while she was trying to eat me out.” Joe quickly turned towards you and stared deeply into your eyes and said, “That is so hot, I'm about ready to pop my pussy for you right now.” “Want me to slobber all over your cooch?” you said seductively. He gave you that look and you threw him onto the bed. You immediately stick you tongue down his throat and tickled his uvula. This caused some of his dinner to come up, but you where so turned on you let him bird feed you. His stomach acid burned in your throat causing you to let out a big groan. Due to not having any sexual pleasure whatsoever in who knows how long he busted a nut. There was so much love juice ready to be let out a waterfall of it ran down his leg. He apologized for finishing so quickly but you said, “Oh babe that's okay, besides I needed drink to chase down all that food you gave me.” He smiled in ecstasy as you slurped and gargled up all his jizz. Though you were completely satisfied for the night he still wanted to please you. You sat up on the edge of the bed wiping some of the jizz that got on your legs.

He yanked your hair forcing you to immediately lay on your back. You were kinda pissed because that shit hurted but he also pulled out a huge chunk of your hair. His cute smile as he towered over you made you instantly forgive him. “I want to finish what that saggy vag bitch started.” he said as he made his way down your body leaving a trail of soft wet pecks from your neck down to your thighs. He pulls your legs apart and slides down his deaky short-shorts he let you borrow. At first he just kinda…stared at your pussy and breathing heavily. It was nice to feel his hot breath but you wish he would do something instead of acting like he was brain dead. He then shoves his big nose as deep as he can into your moist entrance. He sniffed and sniffed as thought your uterus had cocaine inside. He then pulls back, looks up at you then rips your clit right off holding it between his teeth. Then he just swallows it. Your kinda freaked out because bitch what the fuck why would someone rip off your clitoris. He looks you dead in the eyes and says, “You know I had to do it to em.”

To be continued?

[bitch-boy-central]

Play Date With Dino Mom™ uwu *continuation of dino fam trip*

Word Count: 1,189 Words, 6,037 Characters

Warnings: Not much tbh, wittle bit of death wittle bit of lowkey smut but not really uwu✨

Once I had arrived I knew I couldn’t be a basic bitch and walk through the front door and I didn't want to west all my cocai-moonlight adrenaline on a stupid door. I climbed up the house until I managed to get on top of the roof, from there I climbed up on the chimney before jumping down into their fire place. It was about a two story drop, I could’ve broken every bone in my body but luckily my ass is so phat it cushioned the blow. I emerged from the fire place covered in soot and ash with splinters in my ass cheeks. I walk up their wooden stair case trying to be as quiet as a mouse. I crept down the hallway ready to pounce on Dino Mom™, as I approached the master bedroom I heard Lola make a fussy noise. As I slowly opened the door I heard that she was in the shower. I walked over to the crib and yoink Lola’s bottle and chugged all of the tiddy juice, after all that parkour a bitch was parched. After I finished the bottle I yeeted it out the window along with the baby. 

I then banged on the bathroom door like the house was on fire, I hear the shower turn off and a quiet voice say, “Who’s there?” I replied with a powerful voice, “You know exactly who it is.” The door slowly opened, Dino Mom's™ eyes were wide open with a mix of fear, confusion, and anger. She stared at me like a deer in headlights until I finally broke the silence by saying, “Are we gonna fight or what? I know my tits and curves look great in this lighting compared to your flat chest, flat ass and your cereal box lookin body but we gotta get started before Joe gets back.” Her eyes filled with anger and hate, she immediately dropped her towel revealing stretch marks the covered her stomach, thighs and pelvis from each birth. Scanning her body I also noticed her meat curtains were very stretched out as though they were deflated old man testicles. They swayed and flapped as she moved I almost threw up all my nuggies. I seriously wouldn't bet my life that Joe still be fuckin that flat Stanley lookin hoe. Before I realized it she was rushing towards me and knocked me off my feet. The splinters in my ass pierced deep into my skin as I felt her saggy meat flaps brush up my thighs all the way to my stomach. Eventually after struggling to get her off of me I was able to grab her wrists and get on top of her. Then I managed to put my knees on her forearms so I can free my hands to pull out my secret weapon. Brushing past my now bloody ass cheeks I bent down a bit and was able to swiftly pull out my beautiful katana out of my asshole. It hurt a bit and I may have given myself hemorrhoids but my ass was already bloody so I didn't care much. I pointed my sword to the heavens and looked down on Dino Mom™ and said, “Any last words?” She opened her mouth and a loud, monstrous, booming sound emerged from her lips. I was puzzled at first thinking what the shit was that, but then I remembered…she’s, Dino Mom™. Fuck….SHES SUMMONING THE RAPTORS. I quickly stood up my back fully erect as I heard them brake down the front door. They slowly crept up the stairs and my heart began to beat out of my chest, even more so than the coca-…moonlight had initially did. Two raptors entered the room looking towards Dino Mom™, she made another monstrous noise and pointed at me. The next second they were after me, I ran up the wall, did a back flip and was able to get on one of their backs. As they struggled to whip me off their back I managed to grab a hold of its neck and slice its throat open. I hesitated at first as I felt bad to kill such a glorious animal, again sacrifices have to be made. When the one I had killed felt limp the other had hit my with its tail sending me flying across the room. The other raptor was guarding my katana, I had to think quick. And in situations like this only one thing comes to mind and it has never steered me wrong, “What would John Cena do?”. In this moment all the time I wasted watching the WWE would finally pay off. I rushed to the raptor and with incredible force and strength I picked up the raptor and body slammed that hoe. Then I elbow dropped the raptor to stun him so I could have enough time to get my katana back. Once I did I swiftly pierced my blade through its chest. As its heart stopped beating my heart broke. I wanted to scream and condemn god for putting me in such a tough situation. But I started this war, and I'm going to finish it.

I pulled my blood covered katana out from its chest and pointed it right at Dino Moms™ neck. She put her hands up and said, “You are the greatest warrior I have ever laid my eyes upon. It would be an honor to die by your blade. But before that may I please reward you?” I was confused and asked, “The fuck do you mean crack head?” “I want to please you” she replied. I was kinda sus tbh but like if I can get my rocks off after killed someone or something that I love you bet your ass I'm gonna. In addition I was coming down off the drugs, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it anymore I was fucked up on cocaine and maybe some shrooms but my dick was throbbing. Like I was really fucking moist, I saw those nasty lookin flaps and I was still turned on. Anyways I was like sure I guess, she began to leave a trail of soft kisses on my thighs as she kneeled before me. Looking into her soul I could tell something was off, I played it off like I was gonna run my fingers through her hair. But I just wanted her head to be straight so I could crush her skull with my powerful thicc thighs. Just to be sure she was dead all the way I also snapped her neck, her body went limp and fell to the floor.

I walked over to hear closet and wrapped my self in her white silk robe that had clusters of gold sparkles. Looking back at the raptors I looked up to the stars and asked the universe to forgive me and send them to a better place. Feeling hungry again I went down to the kitchen to heat up some leftovers. The cold kitchen tiles felt nice given my body felt like it was overheating from all the death and drugs I subjected myself to this evening. Eating reheated lasagna I sat in the middle of my destruction and chaos waiting for Joe to return home.

[bitch-boy-central]

Cute Dino Family™ Trip

Word count: 1,280 words, 6,661 characters💘

Warnings: Little mentions of smut, death, and drugs but nothing too crazy✨

Joe was the first person you thought of in the morning and the last person you thought of at night. Since the day you met him he has never left your mind and your infatuation grew more and more each day. There was one problem though….he was married. He was a Dino Dad™ with a Dino Mom™ and Dino Kids™. They were tied at the hip and in a way they almost seemed to be a cult, the only reason for this is because you swore you saw them drinking blood out of a deer skull but Joe said it was red wine. Being the wine whore *alcoholic* that you are you knew that it smelled nothing like red wine in that room. But you brushed it off because you love Joe and may or may not have a blood kink nbd. Dino Dad™ and Dino Mom™ had 11 kids and counting, Felix, Ferris, Forest, Freddie, Fionn, Florence, Starlette, Ari, Honey, Henry, and new born Lola Mae. All were such cute kids full of light and love, watching Joe play and take care of them makes you fall for him even more. For there to ever be a possibility to get to date Joe sacrifices have to be made. 

Over the course of a solid hour you came up with a half-assed plan to kill all the Dino Kids™ and Dino Mom™. To get all their deaths out of the way you convince Joe to let you take Felix, Ferris, Freddie, Fionn, Florence, Ari, Honey, and Henry out to dinner. In reality you took a beautiful road trip from California all the way to Arizona to see the glorious grand canyon. You let the kids watch the sun set on the horizon while listening to the kidzbop™ version of Cupcakkes greatest hits. You looked at them with love in you eyes before getting out of the car and throwing a brick onto the gas pedal launching the car over the railing and into the depths of the canyon. You then calmly walked over to the nearest soda machine to purchase a mountain dew. You slowly walked back to the broken railing as people and police rushed the scene. No one really noticed you but all eyes were on you when you opened your mountain dew and “Poured one out for the boyz”. Everyone bowed their heads in respect for the lost souls of that day. 

Realizing you’ve lost your ride you walk to the nearest road and try hitchhiking. Luckily enough a nice man who dressed like a neon fox costume gave you a ride all the way back home. The ride was pleasant he played good music, breathed heavily at the sight of your ankles, and bought you dinner for the night. The only thing that was strange was that he didn't talk much, when he did he made a lot of grunting noises and said “oh yeah” at the end of his sentences like the Kool-Aid man, regardless he was very charming and kind. By the time you arrive back in California its already 2am and you are completely exhausted from all the fun activities you did today and decide to head home, run a nice warm bath, and do some yoga before bed to de-stress.

Your phones powerful vibrations awake you from your deep slumber. The light blinds you before you eyes fully adjust to see you are getting a call from Joe. Your heart flutters with joy as you answer his call and sweetly say, “Hi, good morning Joe.” He responds somewhat frantically, “Where are my kids? I thought you were bringing them home yesterday?” “Oh, yes I meant to but we were having too much fun and whenever I was about to call you one of the little rascals took my phone.” “Okay…so...are you bringing them back?” “Well since we’ve had such a fun time I was gonna ask if I can take the rest of your kids off your hands for the day. You and your wife must be so exhausted taking care of eleven kids and I want you guys to relax and at least have one day to yourselves.” I thought to give his wife at least one day to enjoy herself before her timely death. “You are so sweet y/n. I really cant thank you enough. Ill get the kids ready but little Lola Mae is staying home today, she’s been a bit sick and we just want to make sure she doesn't start feeling worse.” The care Joe has for his family really makes your dick hard, so hard it could cut diamonds. “Joe you are a wonderful daddy, I hope to end up with someone as wonderful and as caring as you are,” you said with a moan. He laughed before saying goodbye so he can get his kids ready. Being the genius that you are you left Forest and Starlette. Their white names set fire to your soul and made the fire burn deep as it gave you war flashbacks from when those goddamn pilgrims took your land and left your tribe for dead. 

About an hour later you drove over to Joe’s house. Both children ran out with smiles on their faces, excited for what the day has waiting for them. You immediately hug Joe and breathe in all his sent, as the smell of his musk fills your nostrils you cant help but want to kiss his neck, rip off his clothes, and let him flick your flaps. Despite the strong desire you keep the energy innocent and kind and hug both children, Dino Mom™ and kiss little newborn Lola. Joe buckles the kids in the car but seemed confused. He slowly turns back to you and says, “Where are the other kids?” “I let them run around the park because there wasn't enough room for everyone in my car. But don't worry a friend is looking after them!” You replied quickly. “That's fine. Just make sure they’re all home before nine, nine-thirty. I wont be home so just text the wife that your coming back, okay.” “Yeah, sorry again. Hope you guys have a nice day n I hope little Lola gets better soon. See you tonight Dino Mom™.”

Forest and Starlette's lives are worth less than nothing because who the hell names their child that? Your really asking everyone to hate them tbh. Logically you should be more mad at Dino Mom™ but whatever. You drive to your house, shoot them, and bury them in your neighbors back yard. There was no point in doing something elaborate with people who have stupid names like that. And yeah, sure your neighbor was kinda weirded out for burying children in his backyard but he’s super chill about stuff like that. You had the rest of the day to yourself so you joined that same neighbor in his house and cracked a cold one open with the boyz. Was its wise to get hammered before the boss battle with Dino Mom™ no, but it be like that sometimes. Anyways nightfall comes and you bathe naked in the moonlight to charge your chakras and obtain the power of god and anime on your side. On all fours you sprint into the night all the way to Joe’s house. Before making it up to his home you take a pit stop at a McDonalds so you can get some nuggies bc being drunk as fuck and feeling the cocai-moonlight take over you really makes a bitch hungry. One by one you shove all twenty chicken nuggets down your throat and sprint back out into the night to The Dino House™.

To be continued.....

*Inspired by borhap-babies