Land Shark
President Land Shark was created by Maura Quint.
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
dirt enthusiast
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Xuebing Du
Monterey Bay Aquarium
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❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
DEAR READER
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JBB: An Artblog!
Cosmic Funnies
wallacepolsom
almost home

PR's Tumblrdome

Discoholic 🪩
Sade Olutola

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Keni

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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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@bits-of-stuff
Land Shark
President Land Shark was created by Maura Quint.
deleted twitter pic
maybe I’ll just turn my tumblr into a graveyard for the pics I take and post to twitter drunk and delete as I sober up
inside my head, repeat
*sees 1000th political statement quoting Game of Thrones*
JFC can people only see politics through the lens of pop culture?! ---> Ugh though I guess using popular entertainment IS a way to reach a lot of people ----> Pop culture is pretty much our current mythology ----> I should go back and read more Joseph Campbell ----> What’s his famous line... “follow your bliss” ----> Remember that Will and Grace episode where Cher appeared to Jack in a dream and said “follow your bliss” ----> Will and Grace annoys me now because I can’t stop thinking about how Debra Messing’s politics are so infantile ----> She’s not even a natural redhead ----> *sigh* Neither is Christina Hendricks ----> Mad Men was so great ----> I used to want to dye my hair red ----> If I dyed my hair red now, people would probably call me a communist ----> Why am I think about hair color when our government is slowly (or is it rapidly) caving to fascism ----> I need to get back to work ----> What the fuck I, zoned out for 2 minutes, how did I already miss 4 new breaking news items? ---> This is so fucking stressful, I can not keep up ----> I’d really like to just zone out and watch something on TV ----> I wonder if I’d like Game of Thrones ----> Nah, I prefer Star Wars ----> or Harry Potter ----> *sees 1000th political statement quoting Harry Potter* ----> JFC can people only see politics through the lens of pop culture?!
What To Do To A Nazi Instead Of Punching Them
Spray them with a water-bottle
Poke them with a stick
Invite them to dinner and leave them with the check
Write them a strongly worded open letter
Boop them on the nose
Glare at them, hard
Tell them once, firmly "No"
NOTE: If none of these work and your Nazi problem persists, we suggest you try punching.
I am getting fat so you won’t love me.
You said you’d love me no matter how I looked and I’m sure that’s true, but have you thought that through? What if I didn’t love you back, what if I slapped you every time you tried to hug me and what if I were really fat. Even for you who loves me, wouldn’t it be easier to walk away from me looking unlike myself than the me you still physically desired. It would. This helps, I’m helping you.
I am getting fat so you can’t blame me.
Every time I stop to eat, I am stopping to eat. I am halting another activity I should be doing. I can’t right now, I’m eating, I’ll do it after, I’ll pick up the stress and the fear and the nervous shudder of failure anticipated right after I’ve put down my fork. Soon. Very soon, I’m almost done. People do have to eat. You can’t blame me for that.
I am getting fat so you will have to see how sad I am.
I’ve been saying it for months, years is it? I’m sad. I’m so sad. Depressed, I think. I’m just very low. Down. Not feeling great. But I’m also still me, in here somewhere, and me doesn’t like to disappoint and doesn’t want to burden. Me makes a joke about myself and focuses us both on something much easier, you. Me laughs anyway. Me can still pretend. But I can’t pretend my clothes still fit. I can’t hide the mass of me. It is my sadness pushing at the seams of my shirts. My sadness wants to be seen, it wants you to notice and sweatpants say more than the laughter has.
I am getting fat because I don’t know what else to do.
I’m not just sad, I’m lost in it. I have bursts of thinking I see an exit, that I can escape but I only ever hit darkness and walls again and again. Don’t you want to be happy, you ask? You think I’ve chosen to be here because the work of not being here is too hard, because I am lazy, maybe because I’ve gotten used to it here. You convince me that’s true. I believe you. Until I don’t. In moments I don’t, in moments I see how many times I hit those walls, how many times I try desperately to find some way out but I can’t find it. I keep trying and I can’t find it. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to be a person. But people eat. That much I know. That much I can do. So I must still be here. I must still be someone. Because I eat.
I wrote a piece for McSweeney’s this week, excerpted below
“How To Negotiate A Raise (If You’re A Woman)
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-to-negotiate-a-raise-if-youre-a-woman
What You People Doing? -- Maura Quint
What You People Doing? — Maura Quint
(more…)
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I want you to read this. I want you to care about it. Not because it says anything insightful or hilarious or beautiful but because I wrote it. I don’t need you to love it or praise it and I don’t want you to read it because I said “hey, can you look at this?” I want you to see it because you know sometimes I write and you look for me, wherever I go, wherever I am, because reading the words that I typed makes you smile, the same way seeing my name makes you smile. It might not really be a smile, but it feels like one. I want you to get the feeling of a smile when you encounter me, because something about the way I move through the world, pen words, displace air with my un-self-aware gesticulations makes you content, happy in a warm simple way. It doesn’t have to be happy like when you opened the exact toy you were desperate for on your 9th birthday. It doesn’t have to be happy like when got the call that you’d gotten that job you’d wanted so much. Just happy like when you get into bed and the pillow remembers your head, or happy like the first bite of a food your mom makes, that you ate when you were small and can faintly taste if you close your eyes. I want you to care about the parts of me that are cool, the parts that are smart, the parts that are brilliant and the parts that are ridiculous. I want you to laugh when I’m silly and feel some urge to kiss my head when I’m an idiot. Kiss my head. I want nothing much from you, I want everything. I want you to love me. And I want you to read this.
CANDIDATE COMPARISON: How They’ll Tackle The Problems Facing Us Right Now
PROBLEM:
I bought a possessed doll from a garage sale, it has come to life and is terrorizing my family, please help.
CANDIDATES’ SOLUTIONS:
Sanders: Your neighbors don’t want to be living next to a possessed doll, get them to attack the doll together.
Clinton: Defeat the doll through tactical defeating of this doll which will be done.
Cruz: Carpet bomb the doll.
Trump: The spirit that possessed this doll, it has family, kill the spirit’s family, ignore the fact that this will only create more angry spirits, they’ll be weak, very weak. I know about strong spirits, everyone says my ghost is the most powerful ghost there is. I’m the best ghost spirit. Also, bomb the entire state your house is in.
Kasich: I am technically still here as is this possessed doll and it is technically strangling me if someone could perhaps help?
How I look when you tell me I “must hate men”
CLICK BAIT: 8 Fictional Celebrities Who Aged Terribly
Living in the critical eye of the public comes with tons of pressure to look one's best. Some figures fight Father Time and seem to always remain as perfect as when we first encountered them, but others don't quite fare as well. Here are some characters who have aged in horribly novel ways.
Gregor Samsa
When we saw what the once average looking salesman looked like now, we bugged out! Nice mandible there, Samsa. No wonder this celeb rarely scuttles out into public anymore.
Anakin Skywalker
This young Jedi had power, a beautiful girlfriend and a killer scowl, but in later years he seems to have gone dark. We’re not sure if he was hiding because he was ashamed of his wrinkly pink shaved-rat head look or if he wanted more time to spend with his kids. Either way, we find his lack of showing his face disturbing!
Benjamin Button
It's true some women prefer babyfaces, but we think Benjamin Button is taking this too far. Talk about aging badly, he's doing it the wrong way!
Dorian Grey
Known for his debaucherous party lifestyle, this deadly beauty never seemed to show any signs of aging, but friends who saw him just before his death were shocked to find him looking terribly drawn.
James Bond
Minor plastic surgery can be a good way to tighten an aging face but some celebs get carried away. James Bond has had so many cosmetic procedures, every time he makes a public appearance, he looks like a completely different person!
Ugly Duckling
Sure he may have been bullied for being an odd-looking little birdie, but no one was expecting the beautiful swan he grew into. This is one celeb who might have gotten traditionally more attractive, but we preferred the weird-looking-kid to the stuck-up bird. Maybe this one doesn’t technically fit the criteria of the list we ourselves created, but, hey, now you’re getting to watch this list age badly in front of your very eyes!
Walter Donovan [other names: "The Guy From Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade" and "Oh Yeah, Him"]
Though known as an elegant and refined collector of religious antiquities, it seemed like Donovan stopped drinking from the fountain of youth overnight! Friends felt they literally watched him waste away into a skeleton before their very eyes. I guess you could say he aged…. poorly.
Margaret
This 45 year old classic will shock you. She may have asked God if he was there, but now we have to ask if there is a God because this one time youthful beauty now looks like the most disgusting thing on earth, a normal middle-aged woman. Gross!
Hi Maura! My name is Hollis Miller, and I work on the social media for the Parents team at the Huffington Post. We loved the IG image of your tweet about what women should wear, and wanted to see if we could share it on our social media accounts (and tag your page, of course). Just let me know if that works! Thanks,Hollis
So sorry, I don’t check my Tumblr all that much, but if you haven’t already done so, please feel free as long as the credit remains on it. Thanks so much for asking!
How The Iowa Democratic Caucus Works
The Democratic caucus is a unique process and many people aren’t familiar with it, so here’s a little primer.
All Democratic voters stand in a room. One corner is designated for Bernie, one for Hillary and one for Martin. As voters enter they stand in the corner for the candidate they endorse. This is when the caucus gets interesting. Voters, many of whom are neighbors and friends, begin to try to convince one another to change corners. They do this using a variety of methods from arguing policy points, shouting chants like “BERNIE’S BETTER,” or setting small fires in an attempt to “smoke that one guy who likes O’Malley over to our side of the room.” This process can get very animated, especially as voters are encouraged to bring tomatoes, water balloons, hamsters, condoms filled with jello or other small projectiles to hurl across the room when words begin to fail. Physical contact is permitted and there have often been stories of “delegate-rustling” if someone brings a lasso, which someone always does. Traditionally divorced couples stand on opposite sides of the room, but can be persuaded to stand together dependent on the custody deliberations. One time the Garrett widow tried to employ a “sex sells” campaign and began stripping, but the overstretched beige support Playtex seemed not to have the magnetic allure she had hoped as several people switched sides away from her. She still claims her natural sexuality overwhelmed and intimidated them and this is the problem with the world today, not appreciating strong, experienced vagina, though everyone at City Council meetings has begged her to stop bringing it up. Various business owners looking to win clients will often side with the wealthiest individuals in attempts to lure them into their Cupcakes & Colostomy Bag stores by way of similar political interests. In the end, after the donuts have all run out, and the guy who just wanted everyone to listen to his mixtape has given up and left, individuals are counted. Delegates are then designated based on the proportion of the room each candidate has won. All those supporting the winning candidate draw keys from a bowl and go home with whoever’s they pulled. 75% of the marriages in each town end. Most have small to medium sized brush fires that rage for the following 4 years, but are usually put out before a second term.
Goodbye [Response to Adele’s Hello]
Hello from this side/ I've ignored your call 1000 times/ So you'd know I hate you/ For everything that you've done/ Like calling my land line I thought I cancelled that
Hello from the inside/ I must say I wish that you'd died/ So now you feel better for breaking my heart/ But I feel worse hearing from you, hope wolves tear you apart, you're a whore
Plagiarism, Plagiarism
In case you weren’t aware, I hate plagiarism. I’ve gone after plagiarism as hard as I know how to. Plagiarism pisses me off.
Unfortunately, there is no shortage of individuals on twitter and online who will steal content and claim it as their own. Many of these people are even profiting from the work of others. It’s unacceptable. We all need to be speaking out together condemning this, stating we are not ok with people who steal and monetize other people’s content. It’s wrong, we won’t support it, and further, we won't support brands and companies who contribute to a plagiarist’s pockets.
Perhaps because I believe so firmly that we all need to be raising our voices against these clear plagiarists, I’ve been getting more and more annoyed by a small opposite thread that I’ve seen specifically in the twitter comedy world, where anyone who has tweeted out a similar joke, similar wording, same pun, same idea, gets immediately accused of theft.
Hack jokes aren’t theft.
Similar wording of a particular phrase one time isn’t theft.
When individuals go after every random person who has done the same overdone old joke they have, or who has used a similar wording one time, they are fueling the people who believe things like “everyone steals” and “who cares where the joke came from.” Going after the wrong targets just gives those who want to dismiss plagiarism as a non-issue the ability to say, see, it’s the internet, everyone’s doing it, it doesn’t matter.
Plagiarism does matter. Plagiarism does exist. That person who creates constant original material but came up with similar wording to you in one joke once probably is NOT a plagiarist.
Comedy (some comedy, a lot of comedy, good comedy) is a reflection of its time. We on twitter are all existing concurrently, responding to a lot of the same events and stimuli. There is no question that we're going to have similar ideas and comedic thoughts sometimes. Calling someone a thief can not be judged by that. Theft is not a few isolated incidents of common thoughts or puns. Theft is not the same phraseology of a joke format. Theft is not the same obvious topical joke.
So what IS theft? Theft is usually one of two things: distinct copy and paste of a particularly original uniquely-worded tweet, or constant incidents of very similar wording where one or two small elements have been changed so as to make the thievery less searchable.
It's usually incredibly easy to tell the difference between similar ideas and theft, but not always. Perhaps you really felt your joke was unique, but maybe it wasn’t quite as special as you thought. If there's ANY question, in my opinion, we must err on the side of similar thought and reach out to the person under scrutiny. Their response is usually a clear indicator. Honest people say things like, “sorry!” or “oh weird!” or even “That’s strange, and hey, I don’t steal jokes.” Thieves know what they’re doing and their reactions are pretty straight forward: they get angry, they say “who cares” or “get a life” and they block you. I know this because I’ve confronted a LOT of thieves.
So what do you do if you think your joke has been stolen, how do you know if you’re dealing with a thief?
1. Look at the person who you think is stealing. Is there additional plagiarized material on their account? Thieves are usually incapable of coming up with their own jokes, thus their need to steal, so if they are plagiarizing, it’s likely they’re doing it constantly. If you’re only finding a small handful of jokes that are similar to other jokes and are NOT copy/paste theft, this person is probably not a plagiarist. Additionally, if you’re seeing that they have a lot of clearly original material and no copy/paste theft, this person is probably not a plagiarist.
2. @ reply them, or DM them if you can and prefer. If they have clearly copy/pasted a DISTINCT, UNIQUE joke, you can directly @ them to the original and ask they remove the theft. If the theft is not that clear, you can point out your original and see how they respond. However, understand that people who ARE making original content might be a bit defensive if you’re accusing them of theft. A non-groveling response is not an indication of any guilt, but you can still expect general politeness.
If you have uncovered a plagiarist and have several examples of clear theft, report them to @plagairismisbad, they keep a running list and are a valuable resource for all of us. If you’ve merely found someone who made a tweet similar to yours, you... found someone who made a tweet similar to yours. Maybe invite them over, order nachos because, hey, you guys at least have something in common.
Who Doesn’t Love A Mash-Up
lyrics to
A Modest Blank Space Proposal by Jonathan Taylor Swift
Nice to meet you, how you been? I could show you some terrible things Tragic, sadness, Irish kin Saw poor kids and I thought Oh my God, look at that face You look like my next big steak Kid's are meat, wouldn't you say?
No money, sit and cry Poor beggar children cause a scene Seems much kinder to have them die This will all be for charity So hey, let's be friends I'm dying to feed you some burnt ends Grab your checkbook and my hand I can make the poor guys good for the eating
So we'll cook them on the stove, or We'll broil them on the flames You can bake a turn-over But it probably won't taste the same Call all my loud naysayers They'll tell you I'm insane 'Cause you know I love solutions And you love to blame
'Cause we're rich and we're feckless We'll take this way too far It'll leave them breathless Or with a nasty scar Call all my loud nay-sayers They'll tell you I'm insane But I've got a blank plate, baby And I'll eat your babe