No Matter How Fast i Run i Cant Escape My Problems

@bitter-sweet-heart

Ranboo said the quote above.This also a side blog. Reblog or talk about sensitive concepts so trigger warning. The body is 17 btw.Hi am Cal(She/They) I mostly use this blog. Hey y’all , we’re WitchyTarotCollective and we might tag ourselves thoughts we might not. Profile pic Picrew. DNI:Pro Shipper, Neo Nazi or Nazis,map, terf, tehm, truscum, transmed, somap, exclusionist, transphobe, or homphobe,Racist,Pedophiles,Any incest supporters or actual people who do incest.Porn Blog.Also people who support any of these.|

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I lose grandmother and my gf or ex gf (I can’t tell) probably doesn’t wanna be with me anymore. Love isn’t real , it’s fucking fake. It’ll sell you but don’t believe it. My grandmother had to live years with her abuser. All her life with her abuser. I see why my grandmother and mom are numb now. Love isn’t worth the hurt in reality. I see why people don’t want me because I can’t relate like others can. I’ve cried almost the entire week in silence and never told my partners how sick our grandmother was until Sunday because I felt as if I was selfish for doing so.

I can’t believe my maternal grandmother. She’s been sick for a couple of months but she suddenly zoomed downhill and died today. She died from an intestinal infection and UTI along with internal bleeding. I’ve been partly sensitive lately also probably due to that. I didn’t want to tell people I care about but I suddenly lost it today after a phone call from a close family member. I just said my last I love you and around 20 minutes later she dies. She is now away from our abuser , her abuser and our mother’s abuser but she never got her justice. She’ll never get to see us or our mother get it. I’m hoping she left me her last diaries so I can write in them. She has a huge passion for writing and fashion. He didn’t allow her to be herself so she couldn’t embrace that. Her mother hated our maternal grandfather with a huge passion. There is proof he abused our grandmother extremely and actually tried to force our grandmother to bare a 4 child or as many as they can until a son because he thought women were worthless. He went around cheating on her , touching his niece , and doing what he did to us. We believe there is evidence she was pushed down the stairs by our grandfather and he hit her. Our aunts who work in medicine even thought so because our Aunt (Nurse) or Aunt (Doctor) was constantly stopping him from hurting our mother by taking off running with our mom.

There was too much change and I realized I have a whole ass list of triggers.

I thought it was just the alters but no.

I’m going to cry and hate myself for eternity.

At least I get another day to study for the test but I feel like nothing.

I barely know the newest partner of one of my partners. Actually scratch that not at all.

I have extreme trust issues.

I wake up to forgetting what happened because I was co-fronting. I was blurry. I was so happy and I shouldn’t of been. I should of asked for more time but I was dumb.

Also I think inviting them to my safest place where my closest online best friend and my partners consider our selves safe in was too early for me.

I talk about my deepest flaws there and what if it all goes wrong??

chronicallylav3nd3r

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chronicallylav3nd3r

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chronicallylav3nd3r

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chronicallylav3nd3r

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chronicallylav3nd3r

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I will never tell a soul that as a lesbian I’m fine with any pronouns or that they fluctuate but that I still feel like a non-man loving a non-man.

It’s like my gender fluctuates everywhere but never near the masculine or male spectrum.

If it’s more masculine it’s always a non-man feeling to it. I’m tired and I feel like if I tell people including those I love they will assume I’m anything but a lesbian.

Maybe that’s why the misgendering of some of my fav content creators hit so hard.

I’m afraid I burden my partners and that they’re just there for me because they don’t wanna have to deal with breakup.

I hate the feeling of not knowing if they love me or not??? I’m really tired so very tired.

I constantly worry as if I disappoint everyone around me. I mean I’m so mentally ill and I feel like I’m gonna cry. Everything feels wrong and I’m out here in physical pain a lot of the time though. I feel to clingy and it’s like I try so hard and never get anywhere but upsetting people. I’m tired and so tired.