God sized hole
I generally reflect on my life pretty often. I don't often share those reflections however. I know it's been a while since my last post but I felt like it was time to update you on what's happening.
I've been married now for 4 and a half months to my wonderful best friend and our life together is perfect. We're both working full time now and I have a better job than I ever thought I'd have at my age. It's not in my field of study and that took me a long time to come to terms with but it's ok. I don't feel like my degree was wasted because I got a perfect husband out of it. Had I not I'd probably be pretty devistated to be honest. James feels the same, bless him, but he still paints and I love him for that. He has an exhibition in November which we are hurredly working towards. I'm sure it will go incredibly, it's his first public exhibition so there is a lot riding on it, expecially in terms of publicity.
His family has had some ups and downs, his father was just elected onto the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha'is of Australia. His father was also on the NSA in his time too. It got me thinking even more about my place in this family. I'm beyond unworthy of the family name, yet I took it anyway. My spiritual capacity is such that I'm sure I'll never be worthy to be grouped in with them. The family of the first generation of the Baha'is of Australia. James and I are not serving nearly enough as we should or could be anymore and I keep coming up with terrible excuses. I was one of 2 Baha'i representatives of a massive interfaith event a few weeks ago and I kept telling myself that I was serving the faith through interfaith relations, but a one off event doesn't count really. The best I can do now is keep in contact and attend other events and invite them to our events.
Besides my job and my marriage, everything else feels like it's gone severly down hill. I'm back to hating myself again. I can't get rid of this weight and I'm losing the will to try. I started watching a show on Netflix about a girl who becomes skinny and takes revenge on everyone who was cruel to her when she was overweight. It cops a lot of slack as not being body positive, but in all realism, what person struggling with weight doesn't dream about that. Of course the show isn't realistic, there are many things I wouldn't do that the show portrays, but the general feeling is so close to home. It's called 'Insatiable'.
When you grow up with cystic acne from head to toe, hair everywhere it shouldn't be, and rolls that make you want to hide from the world, it's hard to break away from the feelings those things bring even when they're not affecting you anymore. And even when these things aren't affecting you physically anymore you start picking at other things and finding more reasons to hate yourself and then skin you're in. And GOD FORBID someone compliments you. It always goes one of two ways.
One - you throw yourself at the person, they become your crutch, it could be a phycial attachment on an emotional one. You suddenly don't remember who you are without them anymore and you give your whole self to them and then when you grow out of this phase you spend the rest of your life regretting what you did and how you behaved and in some sad way this time in your life forces itself into becoming a part of who you are.
Two - you don't believe them. You cut yourself of from them and anyone around them and anything that reminds you of them. You hate yourself more because you don't believe you deserve love of praise and continue the viscious cycle of self hate.
So I went the first way. I wish my husband was someone who was a mentor in my life when I was a teenager. He saved me in the end but I wish he could have come in sooner. He's not my crutch but he saved me from someone who was. My husband showed me how important it is to appreciate the circumstances you've been given, how blessed we are to receive tests and how wonderful it can feel to know when you've passed one.
I filled the God shaped hole in my life.
I don't care what people say about the show Insatiable. People so often don't want to hear the truth but the reality is that some people feel exactly the way the show portrays. The reality is I feel a lot like many characters in that show. Some days I'm happy with my size and I know I can be beautiful without starving myself. Some days I cry in front of the mirror knowing I'll never be happy in a bikini. Some days I'm a support to myself and those around me and promising it will get better. Some days I wish I was perfect and some days I know that's not possible and some days I cry at the thought of trying to come to terms with that. Some days I'm scared I'll never know what it's like to be skinny and some days I pray I never know what it's like for my weight to be a health risk. Some days I'm mad at myself for dissing on God's creation, because I'm in that too. Some days I'm sorry for hating on my husbands wife, he loves her so much and she would die for him, and I try to remember these feeling are eternal and that the body is not.
It's a daily struggle and we have to forgive ourselves and forgiveness can't be done one time. Forgiveness is a process and to do it successfully we have to do it many times before it gets easier and stronger. Just part of the tests of this life.
Inshallah, I pass all these tests and better myself so I may better others.
