#parenting while autistic

[ottopilott]

Fuck! The stupid fucking insurance company fucked up my son's meds and I have to go to another pharmacy to pay cash for them, and I forgot to pick them up by 4:30. It's 4:35.

[dearthoughthenightisgone]

Pre-parenthood I had internalised A LOT of shit about what autistic parents' strengths and weaknesses are, and my biggest fear was that I would be Wire Mother - providing for the child's physical needs but fundamentally lacking the ability to nurture.

(This is not just about the label or identity of autism, though goodness knows the portrayals in media are consistent. Throughout my life, long before I thought I was autistic, I was taught countless times that I smile wrong, that I emote wrong, that I don't get the basics of human connection, that I am thoughtless and careless and selfish in how I interact with others.)

So here is a list for my past self which I hope may soothe something in any autistic comrades in arms who long to parent but fear they are made of Wire with no Cloth in their souls.

- Babies do not need "realistic" facial expressions! They will learn to smile from your smile, whether it is natural or taught! Many smiles for babies are exaggerated! And when they are a little older, your smile will be the best smile in the world to them because it is yours.

- Babies love repetition! Babies need you to repeat their sounds back to you for their early speech and language development! You know what that means? Echolalia o'clock, motherfuckers!

- Babies love repetition! Reading the same book over and over with the same intonation and rhythm? Catnip for babies!

- Not a nurturing thing, but a fun bonus: It is socially expected and partially socially acceptable for your child to be your special interest! If you have had practice not dominating every conversation with your special interest, you are going to smash it compared to many other new parents.

- Babies have no idea what is expected of them and are navigating a wide range of new and confusing stimuli all the time! They are learning emotional regulation, communication and literally everything else from scratch! You are going to bring so much empathy and so little judgment to the table. Not only that, but you are extremely well equipped to work with them in the collaborative effort of living in the world.

- Babies and young children thrive on routine. Just saying.

- The soft animal of their body will learn the soft animal of yours. You are mammals together, and they do not need you to force your face out of its natural flat affect when they are snoozing gently on your shoulder after you have rocked them to sleep.

- Having said that, masking is an incredible skill when you are exhausted and frazzled and overwhelmed but your child has done a bop on their head and only a kiss and a cuddle from you can make it better.

[ottopilot-wrote-this-sfw]

Me to my son: "Dude, you really are Muffin Cupcake Heeler." 🤦🏽‍♂️

[ottopilot-wrote-this]

sitting in a dark room crying

my wife is watching our son, like I did all morning when she crashed out from work (again)

stopping myself from messaging people

the surface reason is "I don't want to be a burden," but the creeping realization is that's not true. and I know it

It's that I can't bear to have my message ignored right now

Because I'm not important enough in the lives of people I just have a casual friendship with

And there's the very real chance I'll just fuck up the conversation right now

When my brain isn't capable in this moment of crossing the 't's and dotting the 'i's, and doesn't want to play high-functioning, high-masking today

There's nothing I hate more than being misunderstood, so I'll just overexplain and dig my grave deeper, because I cannot. help. myself.

And alienate the people whose validation i want so badly

So instead I'm not gonna do shit.

just make myself smaller like I always do

and hope it makes my problems smaller with it

but it never works out that way.

Instead I'll just write this.

Until I hear one of the kids, or my wife, say they need me. Because they always need me.

I'm the dependable one.

And I'll count to 5.

1

2

3

4

5

and I'll peel myself off this bed.

and I'll do what I always do.

I'll find the goddamn spoons even when the cupboard is bare.

I pour my love into the people who need it

even if that means there's just drops left for myself.

[anexperimentallife]

On one hand, it's kind of cool that kids flock to me whenever we go anywhere, because it must mean I have good vibes. (I know part of it here in SE Asia is that my whiteness is a novelty, but it happened in white neighborhoods in my home country, as well--just to a lesser degree.)

On the other hand, I am autistic, with ADHD and a traumatic brain injury, so when I'm trying to focus on supervising and playing with my toddler at the playground, I get easily overwhelmed when other kids bombard me non-stop with demands for attention. Especially when my daughter is crying because she hurt herself or something, and the other kids are STILL demanding my attention.

It's like, kids, I am so, so sorry that you feel like you have to beg for attention from strangers, but I have to keep track of my own child, so no, although I am sympathetic to your tale of being bullied at school, and I am trying to listen to this other child's story about what they had for breakfast, I cannot go over to watch you climb the monkey bars or push your friend on the swing, and I also worry that your adults are leaving you unsupervised for so long.

I actually had to tap out the other day and ask @thesurestthing to take over for me, because as much as I love hanging out with my little girl, I COULD NOT handle that degree of overstimulation.

[infiniteglitterfall]

little autistic parenting moments:

Me, grabbing a new sheet to replace one a cat peed on: "...Why is THIS one wet??"

Unrepentant five-year-old: "Chewed on it."

[scarluxia]

Babies get the best stim toys so I am going to let my boy keep his baby toys thru adulthood in case he needs to stim with them when he gets older

[veado-bela]

Okay, so interesting thing.

I've been redirecting his stims and now my little dude's been doing more stereotypical (happy fingers, flappy hands, bouncing, rocking) type stuff, and I've been really encouraging it.

In the span of a week or two, he:

- Randomly decided to ditch the night time pull-up and hasn't had an accident. We're legit 100% potty trained now. - Hasn't had any meltdowns from the negative super sensory overload stims (which are the ones I've been redirecting). - Has been able to control his breathing to help calm himself down. - Has jumped ahead so far in his speech that it's almost like talking to a different kid, and his vocabulary is (now) bordering on advanced for his age.

It's easier to control how he processes the sensory information around him, so he's better able to communicate. Because he's feels in control, he's finding ways to claim his independence.

Let your autistic kids stim. Let your autistic friends stim. Let your autistic self stim. Try to find healthier stims if they're destructive. Stimmy stim stim.