Before and After

Random musings trying to figure out what the next step is

[blackdocs]

New neighbours making themselves heard

It’s not a great intro to new neighbours when you meet as a result of their dog howling for 7 hours inconsolably, followed by their return home accompanied by continuous loud music with bass lines invading every corner of the house even with the doors and windows shut.

I climbed my back fence to check on the dog, and the neighbours got home as I was looking. I called out hi, and let them know their dog had been howling all day and I was just checking. I let them know that it was out of concern. They made excuses for the dog being new to the home and were kinda dismissive. What happened to the days when people actually said sorry and cared that they had disturbed someone?

They got stuck into playing music and only stopped between 11pm and 7:50 am. That’s 8 hours of solid bass yesterday and so far 1 hour and 24 minutes so far this morning. My brain is so mushed, and my nerves so frayed, that I don’t trust myself to speak to them kindly. They quite possibly have no idea that the noise is carrying so far, and I should give them a chance by telling them. I’ve had noise cancelling headphones on but can only keep them on my head so long before I start hearing my own heartbeat and the pressure on the sides of my head gives me a headache.

[blackdocs]

Seroquel (quetiapine)

Day 2 of 25mgs. Night sweats, and aching legs, lethargic and unmotivated. Not sure if this is a drug that gets better with time. Reading the side effects with raised blood sugar levels and lipids and not really sure that this drug is such a good idea. Used “off the label” for depression, but the GP has to put a diagnosis of bipolar to get authority. I’m already labeled a “difficult” patient as I’m sensitive to a lot of medications, but at this stage, I’m willing to try anything to shut my head up. Wide awake at 10pm, so time for the Stilnox. Am over it.  

[blackdocs]

We’re never given more than we can handle

- said the lovely Nepalese guy in the freezer section at a Woolworths I’ve never been too as I examined the frozen soybeans. I actually called him over as the display cabinet door had dislodged itself and I was holding it in my hand and couldn’t slot it back in. I liked the old style deep freezer, different to the upright refrigerators. He was warm and friendly and asked how I was. 

Generally, I don’t answer this question, or say “I’ve had better months”. Without intruding, he spoke about the soybeans and I asked him how he knew so much about them. Then he explained his cultural background and how to prepare and eat them.

He also said, “We are never given more than we can handle”. He said it better than that but implied that whatever hand we are dealt, we have the capability to cope and survive. 

As we spoke about food, he said I’d be great at health and nutrition. I replied how odd that was for him to say that, as I’m a nutritionist and nurse and did my PT quals. He was so kind and so warm. Our chat was brief, but he encouraged me to work with people with nutrition.

In other news, I’m on the nursing scrap heap. Sacked from one job after being injured there, and suspended from the other for mostly false claims.

The last 3 months I’ve been on stress leave and contemplating many things, including putting in a WorkCover claim for bullying/harassment and also putting in a formal complaint about my workplace. I did neither of these things, instead of trying to focus on getting back on track without all the fuss. 

I hate WorkCover. And now with the complaints made against me, WorkCover doesn’t get accepted.

I’ve reached a point of being immobile. I’m shut down, in a cave, barely able to move, sleepless, stressed and running out of reasons to be. Other than my dog, I’m over it.

My doctor today said she tried to call last week and was worried that I had harmed myself or worse.

She’s been trying to get me to start on Seroquel (quetiapine) for some time. I’m so sick of taking medications that have side effects, yet I’ve been on diazepam and Stilnox (zolpidem) for years, with tramadol or codeine for pain occasionally. 

So tonight, I’ll start on Seroquel. Last week I revisited the mirtazapine for a week and pretty much instantly gained 3kgs, with a constant feeling of grogginess during the day. But I got some sleep and I’m still here. Not such a bad thing as I’ve been underweight, but belly fat is not healthy.

I should have asked the name of the everyday angel in Woollies.

[blackdocs]

3 years ago today I started this blog, deep in a fog... I wanted to chart the journey, so I could look back and see that things were better... What I didn't see was that the aftermath would be extensive and life changing. A lot of the times I haven't written I have been busy doing, or just staying a float.... Time for an update?!

[blackdocs]

Cymbalta withdrawal Day 19

The good news is that I’m starting to feel ok. Dizziness is gone, still not eating much during the day, but eating at night. Reduced the valium back down to 12.5mg/day and off the cigarettes (the tobacco ran out which was a relief). It helped for a while but ultimately such a stupid thing to do.

The endep I take in the afternoon (5pm) and it doesn’t make me sleepy, so still taking the stilnox and sleeping well, but having trouble waking up. I didn’t have any commitments today and slept til 1:30pm. Super vivid odd dreams, but otherwise ok.

My GP sees me as a difficult case as I’m sensitive to a lot of medications. To be honest, feeling anxious and depressed has been less torturous than the commencement and withdrawal of all the antidepressants.

I did get some bad news today. My left knee is not in good shape. There’s 50% of the cartilage gone, and a small Baker’s Cyst and a bunch of other things going on. Physio has advised no jogging, jumping, jolting or pressure through my knee until a specialist review. Tennis is the one thing that I love doing, and the thought of not doing it is too much for me to bare. How to exercise to manage mood when I’m so limited in what I can do is possibly the most frustrating feeling. 

At 42 I’m starting to lose my ability and mobility. As a person who likes to be active, this is really hard to swallow.

On a positive note, I cooked up both a veggie chili and stir-fry that will feed me for a few days. Super healthy and laden with veggies.

Planning to take a break and head up north over easter......

[blackdocs]

Cymbalta withdrawal Day 11

Oh my god what a week. Pins and needles, constant anxiety, nausea, head spinning all the time, no appetite. I saw my Psych on Friday (day 9) and he denied a withdrawal syndrome from Cymbalta!! Seriously - what a joke. I’ve spoken to 5 pharmacists (I just want to make sure that I’m getting the right info) and they all said there was a withdrawal and it was the symptoms I described.

They psych suggested Seroquel (Quetapine) an antipsychotic medication for my anxiety. I’ve dished this out for years and I outright refused. He’s a nice man, I like him. We disagree and it’s ok. I eventually agree to try something I’ve had before that helps with sleep - Endep at 12.5mgs/night.

I’ve had it for 2 nights now and had the first decent sleeps in 2 months.

I’ve laid low this weekend. I upset a friend on Friday night when we saw T2, and started hating on myself. My mind has been gravitating to the negatives and I find myself dwelling. Otherwise I have laid low. Still been smoking this weekend. I’m enjoying it. Need to nip it in the bud though.

Back to work tomorrow - early start, just hope I wake up ok cos I’ve slept LONG this weekend.

[aglock]

my cymbalta withdrawals are overrr!!!????

I haven’t had any withdrawal symptoms from my cymbalta in a few days so I thought I would update with what has changed:

The cymbalta was doing a lot more for my pain than I thought. After I finish school I may think about going back on it, or something similar. But right now, when I have so much to remember, taking tests, etc, I can’t live without my memory and my brain. 

No crying spells or mood swings or anything like that, if anything I am less depressed/more stable than when I was on it.

Doing pretty well now, the first week/week and a half were hard with the light headedness and feeling disoriented. No regrets about stopping and I’ll find out in a few weeks if my memory snapped back - for me it wasn’t a daily issue, it was something I noticed when studying. Summer classes will start at the end of May and I’m hoping that it goes better than Spring.

[blackdocs]

Nice to read about hope. I hope that in a couple of weeks my blog post looks like this too. 

[blackdocs]

Cymbalta is giving me the shits (Day 5 withdrawal)

I had NO IDEA what I was signing up for when I started taking Cymbalta. I stopped sleeping properly, and developed hypomania. For context my need for anti-depressant/anxiety support has been required post a traumatic incident almost 3 years ago now. Left to my own devices I barely left my room and was plagued with nightmares and jaw clenching and teeth grinding, terrified of social commitments and luckily not working (although had no cashflow)

Things have changed now. Found an awesome job, great housemate, but don’t want to mess it up with anxiety and depression creeping up on me.

So number 5 - cymbalta.

I lasted 6 weeks before I became not only sleep deprived but manic.

But hey, this is about withdrawals.

So day 5:

I slept all day. Tried to concentrate on a task and just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I ate breakfast (promptly followed by diarrhea), then just slept. Keeping up my fluids, taking some magnesium, fish oil, vit B and D - usual stuff I take anyway.

Terrified to go to work tomorrow. It ends the 4 days of hibernation I’ve had thanks to a long weekend. I don’t want to call in sick. Maybe work will distract me from this situation? It’s pretty invasive though.....

Thankful for my supportive management who know more about what’s going on for me than anyone else in my world. Just hope that the world’s not spinning so much tomorrow and that trips to the toilet are less frequent, that I feel less nauseous, and my memory and vision improve. Out of all of the antidepressant experiences I’ve had (and documented on this blog), this has by far been the scariest.

[blackdocs]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy has helped me before to overcome anxiety. Many years ago I had a huge panic attack at dusk on the beach at Rosebud. I had walked for a couple of hours and couldn’t remember where I parked my car - since I parked somewhere different most afternoons this didn’t seem too ridiculous.

I panicked though cos despite walking an extra hour I still couldn’t find my car and it was almost dark and quite cold. I got dizzy, sweaty, couldn’t take a deep breath and dropped to the sand. My first thought was - this is so embarrassing out here in public - until I realised there was no one around. I lay in the sand and closed my eyes and visualised my anxiety as a pack of vampires, and I was Buffy. I had the stake, the strength, the moves, and the cool clothes, and went to battle with my anxiety.

It was a powerful visualisation, and the last full panic attack I had for many years, up until this year.

A good friend suggested we have a Buffy night. I dragged myself there in my pjs and we had pizza with her son. Then watched 3 episodes of Buffy. She comes back from heaven and is completely disconnected and messed up. I haven’t seen this season yet. I think it’s time for more Buffy. She was my hero in the past……

[blackdocs]

In celebration of buffy - a post I wrote a few years ago! Buffy’s my hero :)

[blackdocs]

This is kind of a depressing blog

It really is. I’ve documented the rough times, when I feel alone, as when things have been good I’ve just gotten on with living and taking pleasure in those moments each day. I come here when I need to vent, and don’t want to wear my friends out with how I feel. So I guess in perspective, where there’s long gaps since I’ve last written, it’s cos everything’s been ok, even good! I’ve been travelling, or working, or just floating along working towards being the best person I can be. It may seem I don’t focus on the positives, but in my day to day I do. This is my place to vent. It’s also where I’ve documented the up and down sides of the antidepressant rollercoaster, as a kind of journal in case someone else feels alone like me with similar feelings.

[blackdocs]

Cymbalta Sux

It really does.

I’m that cooperative patient who cops the side effects of a new med waiting in hope that a better mood and functionality are around the corner. But this one made me batshit crazy. The whole time I was on it (about 6 weeks) I couldn’t sleep. I was late for work constantly (lucky I have good bosses who understood as I gave them the truth - which I don’t advise unless you really have extraordinary bosses!)

That took a little pressure off. But hey, I still have to get up, work, care for other people, do all the things my job requires of me, and keep the house clean, shower, eat and excuse me here but for FUCKS SAKE SLEEP!!!

I forgot to take it on Thursday (It’s Sunday now), and spoke to my psych who said to choose between Dothep (good for sleep and depression) and Valdoxan (newer on the market and to be honest I don’t really know much about it).

I then spoke to my GP who agreed Cymbalta shouldn’t be used, and she disagreed with Dothep so I walked out with Diazepam, Codeine, Stillnox and Valdoxan. I also spoke with the pharmacist. No one knows how to transition people. Should there be a “washout” period? My psych thinks I shouldn't quit anti-depressants. Doctor suggested 3 days to a week. Pharmacist suggested a week. But here’s the clincher - the withdrawals from the CYMBALTA!!!!

You can’t reduce the dose as it’s a 30mg capsule. I have long known that I’m sensitive to most medications, so starting on a high dose or quitting abruptly never really works. 30mg might be a low dose, but there’s no way to cut it down slowly.

But I’ve quit. I started to feel manic - or self diagnosing here, experiencing some “hypomania”. Talking fast, talking more, less filtered in what came out of my mouth. Making purchases I wouldn’t normally, not sleeping, having trouble waking up and feeling kinda overall homicidal! (OK I’ll tone that down to mood swings!)

It’s been 4 days and I’m feeling atrocious. I made the mistake of reading about Cymbalta withdrawals online (cos I wanted to know if how I was feeling was normal). Apparently it is. I take the online with a grain of salt. But there were some very common symptoms in almost all the forums.

I’ve had an upset gut, can barely stomach food, am overwhelmed with anxiety, dizzy, achey all over, and my short term memory is playing up. I signed a form in front of my GP, and less than 30 seconds later said to her “Hey we haven’t signed the form”!! I start doing stuff and can’t remember what I’ve done just moments before. I’ve got tingling through my body, nausea, and intense cravings for smoking cigarettes. I’m having trouble starting a task, or completing it once I eventually get started, and for the most part have just hidden out for two days avoiding the world. Tears fill my eyes constantly.

I’m not doing anything and feel restless, but have no motivation to do something as simple as cook up a quick stirfry so I’ve got something more than toast to eat!

I’ve resorted to taking some extra diazepam to help with the anxiety. It’s not really working, but at least I feel like I’m doing something.

I’m taking a chemical break. My serotonin, dopamine and neurotransmitters are all fucked up (see = no filter my language is usually much more polite), and they need a holiday from meds. It’s such a shame the mirtazipine has the weight gain, as I really did feel good on that.

So day 4. According to the interwebs it takes months for these feelings to go away. I can’t take it. It feels horrible. It would be nice to just sleep a few days away and wake up and feel ok again.

On a positive note a lot of the factors in my life that lead to the medications in the first place aren’t there anymore. No more workplace bullying - instead the best managers I’ve ever had. My housemate is thoughtful and kind. My dog is awesome. I have good friends. Maybe I don’t need the meds anymore and they tipped me into an unnatural state? Another bonus is thanks to anxiety and nausea and a loss of appetite with an upset gut the mirtazapine weight is dropping off at lightning speed and my clothes fit again.

Even writing this, I’m starting to fall asleep and have trouble concentrating……

[blackdocs]

Wise words for nourishing mind body and soul @daniellelaporte is speaking at the Melbourne Convention Centre this Thursday, with support from @clarebowditch. #foodforthesoul #takecareofyourself #mindbodysoul #selfcare #moderndaypoet #wordsofwisdom #truthbombs #cantwait #daniellelaporte #clarebowditch

[blackdocs]

Exit mirtazipine, enter duloxetine

On this merry go round of anti-depressants I'm going for number five. I've told clients in the past "it can take a while to find the right one, it's an imperfect science, just hang in there". Now I really know what that feels like! I hit the jackpot with Mirtazipine. After the initial 1 month of not being able to stay awake, I settled into a calmer more energised, reasonably functional place. But the weight gain! 12kgs was too much to beat. Putting on a quarter of your original body weight over a week or so is just too much! Whilst I still fall within what is considered to be a normal weight range, I feel terrible and I can eat healthily and exercise til I pass out, it just won't shift. And I'm tired. So tired of having to pay attention to my food and to have to push my self with minimal results. The exercise has buffered my declining mental health as the mirtazipine dose decreased, but it's not enough. So- enter psychiatric appt yesterday. I really like my psych! I have never liked a psych before. He listens, is thoughtful, respectful and intuitive. Rare qualities. We discussed the next step. The sedating effects of an AD are a plus for me with sleep hygiene destroyed by alternating shift work. However there were none that fit the profile for anxiety and depression with minimal weight gain. He was open to me trying the newer valdoxan, however said as it's still in its infancy he preferred to let the newer meds show up side effect profiles before prescribing them to people who have had liver probs (as I did with Zoloft). So duloxetine it is. Part of me wants to go - fuck it - no more. But another part of me feels like I need extra scaffolding to hold my developing but still fragile world in place. So- do I or don't I?

[blackdocs]

You realise you're alone when u have no one to call when you're sick

At 10pm, after a bit of nausea and some mild stomach cramps, I found myself frequenting the toilet with a bucket in hand, doubled up with stomach cramps and pain radiating into my back and goosebumps from head to toe - so cold I couldn't get warm on a balmy night. Losing my ability to think clearly, I could not work out what to do. So who do I contact? I realised that my handful of good friends are all busy with work or kids and my family are barely speaking to me. I am alone. In too much pain to move, I curled up under two doonas and messaged a friend. No answer (she got in touch today apologetic that her phone was charging in the kitchen and she usually always has it on her). She too fears the - who do I call question. My sister came over and called a locum. As a few hours passed I started to relax and fall asleep and cancelled the call, knowing my sister was here to take me to hospital if I got worse. Bloody scary. I didn't feel scared of dying - which seemed like a possibility last night. I was scared of unbearable pain. Turns out Rulide is now off the list of antibiotics I can take. I don't think any are left. A trip to the GP ended in a script of mercyndol forte and maxalon, and a day off work asleep in bed. I still feel crap, but less pain and nausea. What a horrible feeling to be so alone in a world so full of people.? 😔

[blackdocs]

Avanza = 9kgs in 3 weeks!!

After taking weeks to settle with the heavy hangovers and weird dreams of Avanza, I started sleeping better and feeling less anxious. I got a job, changed my housemates, and gained 9kgs. I ate pretty much what I had been usually eating, with the occasional wake up at night hunger (eating food which was something easy to reach for - and I was starving!!). As my weight rocketed from 51kgs to 60kgs I panicked. Time to start exercising again. After multiple injuries I had given up trying to do the fun heart rate increasing stuff I used to love. My first pay cheque spent on 20 PT sessions, and a 4 day swim/cycle/walk get away at Phillip island mid December. The psychiatrist who prescribed the Avanza spent a good half hour with me (through Medicare no less!!) and said hey, you came to me a nervous anxious mess. Underweight, not eating and not sleeping. The Avanza was to help you get your appetite back, rest, and to be less anxious. And here you are, healthier, less anxious, have the Valium down to 5mgs, have a job, and a new home situation. Now we can reduce it to 15mgs. So I'm on the cut down. Almost at 15mgs each night. I've been training at the gym with my old trainer who is awesome, I've started some gentle jogging, I'm back at Pilates with the Physio and I'm working on losing the excess 5kgs. Do I feel better? Yeah - the exercise and feeling a part of society through work have helped. My protective factor is to schedule introvert time. One day a week of not working, attending appointments, socialising, or even leaving the house. It's time I need to guard closely to recharge myself for the week ahead.

[blackdocs]

And on to Avanza

I’ve been quiet here of late. Reading back I realised how much of a struggle the last 12 months has been - my mental health, financial security, lack of employment and sense of belonging in the world, messy relationships and friendships….

It’s almost 1 year to the day that I fell at work and entered the workcover cycle. Workcover has not helped me return to work. If anything they have been a hindrance as it’s a system that leaves you proving something is wrong rather than taking steps to reward achievement.

I feel bitter about the last year. Almost 30 days into taking Avanza I have reduced the Valium to 7.5mg/day, found a job that I start in 10 days and have made decisions to try and get a fresh start.

But this has little to do with the Avanza and more to do with just trying to take one step at a time. Letting go of what hasn’t worked and people who don’t believe in me.

The Avanza has left me with vivid dreams, a daily hangover and lethargy. The changes in my life have come from taking one step at a time. Sometimes backwards…. but trying to keep moving….

[blackdocs]

Feeling numb after 7 weeks of Prozac

Is this normal?

I feel nothing. No great joy, no great sorrow. Perhaps just unexpressed frustration and a desire to be alone. My tolerance for other people’s crap is at an all time low, and in calling them out on their shit of treating me poorly I don’t care if they tell me to get lost. I just don’t care.

I’ve discovered that WorkCover is even worse than I thought. When you’re told that your weekly payments will cease the unspoken message is that so will your return to work plan, even though the original acceptance letter says the workplace is obliged to provide you with suitable duties for 12 months after the accident.

I fell in a frigging hole after slipping on sewerage, and find myself jobless, and without a leg to stand on as I missed the appeal date, not realising my return to work plan had ceased as I was provided with shifts for a further two months.

I just want my life back. I don’t care for having more money than I need to live on. I want to play some kind of useful part in society and to not have to fight for the right to do this after my employer was clearly responsible for the lack of safety in the work environment. 

I want to stamp my feet and yell “It’s not fair”, but I can’t as my ankle is killing me and the podiatrist did some serious deep tissue work on my calf and ankle today. Focus on what you CAN do people say. Well, as long as I can’t run, play tennis, work and have enough money to resocialise in the world what I can do is keep writing, hide out in my bedroom (if my neighbour stops playing loud music long enough for me to not experience palpitations), and sit out the winter. All the while I am losing strength, confidence and motivation.

I don’t know if feeling numb or feeling depressed is better. At least when I was depressed and miserable I felt SOMETHING......