Grief Anxiety Doubt, a prayer.
I. Grief
They told me, "you haven't grieved enough."
I remembered the countless days
spent seeing through salt water
lulling myself to sleep with my
jilted containment of sadness
when will the grief be enough?
when can I live,
can living and grief be together?
like the unlikely couple,
somehow the perfect metaphor
for the failing last year:in one
seemingly simple and singular connection
it became moments that
haunted the air between us.
only to be released again through reconnection
II. Anxiety
we define that differently, don't we?
I want to see you, to see your true self.
not just the way your mouth curls over your teeth,
cocked to one side with the straightest of edges.
A wide smile, and body that opened up sideways
through the heart, a heart that
lept out before the legs and arms came with it.
I know its only a surface,
though I see your corona flickering on
and bright it is when lit inside you
But what is meant for me
would never hide, never dim
or be inconsistent, they said.
What if nothing can be made for me anymore?
What if the cosmic supply chain is broken?
What if the great crisis of tomorrow is:
that some people are never meant for happiness?
that there is only so much to be rationed
on a species choking itself out of existence.
III. Doubt
I pray that there is a love meant for me,
I try to not wonder if maybe there is nothing meant for me'?
Or worse than nothing, only suffering meant for me.
Are some people meant to suffer?
I pray to be one of the lucky ones.
But I'm not so sure I am.
I would love to believe in a benevolent force
My sensitivities feel that they are
real, but so hard to find outside of myself.
I pray that within is
more benevolent and kind to me this year.
For ease and softness
for homeostasis to return to my body
to feel at home inside of me
And still, I pray that road to god is through planting seeds
