Untitled

[blahblahsandblahs]

I don’t deserve to feel unhappy

I deserve to be happy. I want my confidence back. I want all of it back. I don’t know where it is but it’s definitely not present within me anymore. I am lacking luster, the way I used to shine like a bright motherfucker. All I feel is disappointment within myself. 

Lately you have not put any trust or belief in me at all. I need someone who believes in me. I need someone to motivate me. I need myself again and I haven’t been there for me in awhile. The past few weeks have been so sad and depressing. I don’t know why but my mood has been off ever since I cooked dinner, or at least TRIED to cook dinner. It sucks. When your partner doesn’t believe in you. It sucks when your support system doesn’t trust you in certain aspects of life. Everything just sucks lately and I need it to just stop. 

[blahblahsandblahs]

What do I do for my darn birthday?

I am turning a quarter of a century in less than 2 weeks. I have no idea what to do, where to go, and who I am going to invite. I am not a huge fan in planning my own birthday because I suck at it; it never turns out the way I planned it. When I was in high school, all of my birthday parties were train wrecks because either the space was too tight, the weather was poop, or everything would become chaotic because nothing was really planned. All my friends have different interests, and I don’t know what else to do when it comes to what I want so that everyone would enjoy it. Lets look at the pros and cons of doing it at the lake: 

Pros: bbq, sports, relax, get a tan, chill

Cons: I have work the next day if i book the 24th off

I can’t drink because i have work the next day 

the party would end early and I wouldn’t be able to have fun

Pros and cons about going to a bar: 

pro: I get to dance, drink, have fun, and spend time with my friends 

cons: hangover, not everyone would make it 

[blahblahsandblahs]

Blah blahs.

Welp. First blog post. Yay right?! I never have the chance to write how I feel or even review how my day has been, and I think this is a space where I can just get in touch with myself and see where I am. 

So here it goes. I work with children and I aspire to become a teacher. I finished my ECE certificate and then I ended up finishing up my degree so I could apply for the teaching programs. Heartbroken, I didn’t get in because of long waitlists and competitive applicants. BOOOO. 

I am currently working at a out of school care children’s centre and so far I’m really liking it because of all the fun activities we get to facilitate. YAY. It definitely gives me a feel of being a leader of my own classroom. I just applied for a team coordinator position, which is basically a supervisor. My future inlaws don’t agree with it because it’s too far and the shifts BLOW. By the way, I don’t drive because I’m a nervous wreck and I suck at it. 

My fiancee says that I should apply for it anyway because it would be good experience for me! He wasn’t exactly thrilled for it because of the shitty hours (split shifts) and my lack of driving skills, but he did mention that it would benefit me in the long run in my teaching career. 

I’m boring with myself with all this work and school talk. Promise the next post will be a bit juicier, but I really wanted to talk about all this because of my excitement but lack of confidence. My confidence has always been so low when it came to the important things: driving, school, work, LIFE. I guess insecurities have gotten to the best of me because I never felt good enough for anything, and personally anyone. I hate admitting it because I am a completely different person in society; I laugh, I socialize, I portray myself as impulsive but outgoing, but deep down I’m such a sack of stupid insecurities. What am I in high school?

Anyway, I wanted to express this issue of myself because I feel like I can really boost myself up, but I’m just not sure how. Pretty stuck if you ask me.