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so i know i don’t blog anymore
it’s an intentional thing, i’m kinda done with tumblr
and i don’t feel so alone anymore that i need to do these personal posts, i have people in my life that i feel i can talk to about the things i used to blog about
but i went through and read back through last semester’s posts
and, yeah, my life was a total mess
it still is quite a mess
i’m not cured. i’m still depressed. i still have anxiety. i don’t always wake up happy. i have bad nights. i have times where i can’t get up off the floor or out of bed. this semester was very similarly difficult to last semester.
however, i’m getting better. and reading through my posts has shown me that.
the post i reblogged is from april 7th. it was three weeks after i started therapy and stopped harming and a week before i started on antidepressants.
while i don’t have a job or live in a nice area, i DO have good grades (i did that semester, too), classes that i enjoy, an apartment of my own, and a wonderful and stable relationship with wonderboy
when i wrote that, i remember my hopelessness. i remember how i felt that things would never improve, and when i commented that i wanted to “not wake up until things don’t totally suck anymore” i fully expected to never wake up if i ever got that opportunity
i guess what i’m trying to say is...
this year has been hard. it’s been an uphill battle. i’ve been on multiple kinds and dosages of medications, in and out of therapy, in and out of work. but it’s getting better, even if it doesn’t always seem that way. i can see that from my old posts. i still struggle with all the same things, i still fight off depression and urges to harm and suicidal thoughts, but i am so much more equipped to deal with it. it’s... hard to describe.
before the start of this year, i always thought that the only way to get better was for all of the bad feelings to go away and for me to always be happy and “like everyone else,” and the knowledge that i would never be that way left me hopeless and miserable
now i can see that, while i will still not ever be “like everyone else,” while i have to live with my mental illness and prior trauma and take things a day at a time... that’s okay. there’s ways to overcome it. to survive it. even live beside it.
and it’s good. it’s a good feeling.
for all intents and purposes, this is my last post on tumblr
(until i decide i’m ready to come back, anyway)
the site became more harm than good
but i know a lot of you are near and dear friends that stood by me and watched me crawl out from under the boulder of mental illness i found myself trapped beneath
and i thought i’d leave one more note, a positive note, so that you all would know what happened to me after this life-changing year (aside from the stuff i put on facebook, because let’s be real, i can’t put anything THAT personal on there)
2014 was hard. 2015 was harder. 2016 might be even worse. but that’s okay. i’ll make it through. i’m strong enough. and for the times i’m not, i have my loved ones, my support network to help carry me through.
and that knowledge makes me so genuinely happy.
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“For a star to be born there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. Crumble. This is not your destruction. This is your birth.”
