Over the last several months I’ve noticed a trend in the asks that I’ve seen D/s blogs getting. I’m paraphrasing and going from memory but they’re things along the lines of:
How often do you wear a plug? Do you wear it overnight? Do you feel it all the time? Do you clench around it? How can you be reminded of your submission when you aren’t wearing a plug? Do you feel more submissive if you wear a bigger plug than a smaller one?
Are you less submissive now that you don’t wear cuffs as often? Would you feel more submissive if you were chained everyday? Did you switch from being a submissive to being a slave once you wore cuffs daily? Do you have too much freedom if you aren’t chained?
If you can make noise around a gag does that still feel submissive? Does a plug or a gag make you more submissive? If you remove your own plug does that make you feel like you are in control and no longer a slave?
I’ve found myself wondering if the root curiosity buried beneath many of these questions is really “Where does your submission come from, if not from the gear?”
Or maybe “How can you feel submissive without gear?”
The answer is different for everyone…what makes me feel submissive is going to be different from how other submissives are made to feel submissive. There are basically an endless number of ways to exchange power. But I’d say some of the more common ways that people feel their D/s without gear would include things like:
1. Rules. Certain ways the sub is expected to behave (or not behave) on a regular basis.
2. Protocol. Being expected to speak in a certain way, or do tasks in a set way based on what they’ve agreed with their dom.
3. Service. Service can include a really vast range of things but some examples would be cooking for your Dom(me), doing research to assist them with solving a problem, or taking off their shoes after work.
4. Obedience. The Dom(me) tells the sub what to do and the sub obeys. This could be nearly anything. Examples: Being told to go to bed, or to do a household task, to study, to spend less time on a device, etc.
5. Deference. The sub seeks out the dominant’s opinion on things and does things based on the dominants preferences. This could again be basically anything. What to cook, what to wear, whether to go to an event, when to sleep, how to make the bed.
6. Tasks. The dominant provides the submissive with something to do for them. This may be something that benefits the dom(me), the sub, or both. Even if it is something that benefits only the sub, it can make subs feel submissive because they’re doing it for their dominant.
7. Caregiving. The dom(me) doing things to make the sub feel cared for. Some examples could be reminding them of their medications, tucking them into bed, making sure they’ve eaten or tying their shoes.
8. Division of responsibilities. In some D/s dynamics the dom and sub will agree to divide responsibilities a certain way. For example, the Dom may agree to do meal planning as part of their dominant responsibilities, and the sub may agree to manage the bills as part of their submissive responsibilities. Then the sub may feel submissive when they see the dom meal-planning, and they may feel submissive when they are handling the finances.
Many of these can mix. For example, if a dominant gives a sub a task, that’s usually obedience as well. Or a sub may seek out their dominants opinion on something (such as how to cook a certain meal) and this could be deference, but also a way of serving their dom.
Even with all these tools (and perhaps others that I’ve failed to include?) being used, in my personal opinion, it’s unlikely that anyone will feel submissive all the time. There are so many circumstances in life where it’s at least really hard, if not impossible, to be focused on submission. Everyday things like while buying groceries or focusing on building a new bookcase that you bought, or potty training your puppy, or caring for children, or while at work.
I think what most 24/7 or ‘full spectrum’ D/s couples are after isn’t for the sub to feel nothing but submissive feelings. Instead, it’s to engage with their power exchange relationship dynamic regularly enough for them to feel good overall. What exactly that means can vary from person to person, as well as from one phase of life to another.
I believe a similar answer is true for the “where does your submission come from, then?” type questions.
For me at least, the reason why I don’t see my relationship as vanilla isn’t because of kink gear, or really obvious power exchange interactions (such as being given demands) most of the time. Instead, my sense of being submissive, or my sense that my relationship is D/s, comes from getting those “reminders” of power exchange listed in #1-8 regularly enough to let me ‘feel it’.
romaincrisis
titsay
andulkaphoto
