trying.

'bleak: no reason to feel happy' • not the best, but i try, so please leave feedback. ♡ • 이.별

[bleakjae]

(8) i hope this gets to you.

hello!! its been 2 weeks oops,, but thank you for the huge amount of love on my previous post hehe~ i’ll be posting my non-idol writings here, while you can check out my idol writings on ao3~

genre: angst word count: 653 warning(s): MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH << please do not read if you’re uncomfortable.

rating(s): NC-17 for language + death

summary: the stages of loving you; where it began, and where it ended.

3. that was when i first saw you. small and petite frame, tousled black locks, soft eyes, and clothed in those cute overalls your mom made you wear. that was when we were forced to be friends.

when i was 6, i didn’t expect to see you in the same school i went to. nevertheless, i was more than glad i had you. that was when we became best friends and relied on each other.

at 10, that was when we promised to tell each other everything. i’d yell about all the shitfaces, and you’d groan about the workload the stupid school gave us.

i broke our promise of telling each other everything when i realised i was painfully in love with you when we were 13. i couldn’t bring myself to confess to you for my stupid feelings, when our friendship was at stake. no, i couldn’t do that. i didn’t want to lose you when we’ve been together since young.

16 was when i experienced my first heartbreak. I tried asking you out to prom, but you told me you’d already asked some other girl to be your date and she accepted. I told you i was really happy, but you didn’t know how much grief was hidden behind my words of encouragement.

you came running to my doorstep the day i turned 18, panting breathlessly like you had ran across the pacific ocean. never mind the fact that it was 7 in the damn morning, never mind the fact that you didn’t even bother greeting me like you always would, i still let you in. but maybe i shouldn’t have. you ran all the way to my doorstep just to tell me the girl you asked out to prom accepted your confession. another round of fake smiles. but little did you know how much you were breaking my heart.

sometime after you turned 20, you dropped me an urgent text, asking me to meet you at a cafe we frequented when we were younger. when i got there, i saw you staring idly out the window, the coffee in your hands long gone cold. i asked you what happened to you, and you told me she dumped you for some other guy. what angered me was that you were crying over a girl you didn’t deserve. have you ever thought about how i felt? was it fair for you to cry over a girl whom obviously was playing you, when i’ve been crying for the past decade for a guy that is so fucking oblivious to what i feel?

i gave up on you when we were 22. for two years, you spent them moping around, waiting for a miracle to happen, which is of course, her coming back to you. what i don’t understand is that why can’t you move on? is it that hard to move on? you don’t deserve her. i’ve been trying to tell you that for years now, why can’t you take the hint? what’s the point of having feelings for a man like you who can’t get over a girl you obviously don’t need? i see no point to it.

now at 24, i hope this letter gets to you somehow as i’m sitting in this room. i never told you, but i had leukemia. been a long while, been tryna get treatments but it just keeps coming back. either way, these are my last words to you, and i hope this letter will find its way to you so i can go in peace.

to the man i’ve foolishly loved for more than a decade, the small boy i first saw when we were 3, my playmate, my best friend, my brother, the knight of my dreams whom i never got the chance to say this,

i love you. don’t miss me too much. take care of yourself. i’ll be watching you from above.

congrats,, you made it to the end!! i hope you like this short piece~ tbh it’s not my best writing yet but it’s one of my favs hehe. i hope you enjoyed it! do reblog and like it if you enjoyed my writing~~ thank you!! ><

[bleakjae]

(7) jaebum as jinyoung's boyfriend.

hello,, it has been,, a long time,, i'm sorry!! >< writer's block has been my companion for a long time also i lacked the confidence so...

anyway here's a thing?? or sort of?? i started this quite some time ago and i just recently decided to throw in more pointers beCAUSE WHO DOESN'T LOVE DOMESTIC!JJP ohmygod??? fluff and jjp go together okay.

also!! i've never ever done a bulletpoint scenario before, so do bear with me as this is my very first bulletpoint scenario!! ;; i hope you enjoy this!!

jaebum as jinyoung's boyfriend:

• lots of cuddling

• exchanging great titles now and then

• loves staring at his beautiful face

• personally goes down to his filming set just to bring him food and to see his nyeongie act

• overly protective

• pda everywhere and anywherE

• makes him feel so good

• breathes in his shampoo

• says 'i love you' a thousand times a day

• first one to be there when jinyoung is upset

• hUGS HUGS HUGS

• always by his side tbh

• ^ wherever jinyoung is, he is.

• good morning kisses

• the type to always have a hand around his waist

• or even arms wrapped around jinyoung’s waist

• glares at everyone else who tries to flirt with jinyoung

• will always wait for jinyoung after he finishes his shooting

• loves snuggling in bed w jinyoung

• always cuddling

• peppers jinyoung's face w kisses 24/7

• tbh always has his hand in jinyoung's

• is like jinyoung's personal koala

• compliments jinyoung randomly

• spoils him with presents

• is a real greaseball around jinyoung

• casually throws in pick-up lines here and there

• "are you tired? cuz u've been running through my mind all day"

• ^ to the point where jinyoung groans loudly and asks him to stop (but his cheeks say otherwise)

• always makes an effort to be the one that wakes jinyoung up

• tries to cook (and fails)

• 90% of the time he goes with whatever jinyoung says

• ^ his opinion is literally jinyoung's

• constantly telling jinyoung how much he loves him

• flashes him the cutest and brightest smiles

• always makes jinyoung tell him what's bothering him

• makes jinyoung's concerns his own

• loves burying his face into jinyoung's tummy

• but tbh jinyoung buries his face in the crook of jaebum's neck more often ^

• loves staring at him

• 90% of the smiles he gives jinyoung are the softest smiles ever

• always there to pick jinyoung up (manager hyung, pls resign)

• always gets lost in jinyoung's eyes

• the type to kiss the inside of his wrists

• bIG sPOOON

• spoons jinyoung whenever he gets the chance

• he just really wants to protect his jinyoungie, though.

• makes an effort to interlock their hands

• never wants to let go of his hand

• would buy him expensive gifts tbh

• sucker for jinyoung's puppy eyes

• kisses jinyoung's knuckles too

• actually just kisses everywhere

• he loves placing his chin on top of jinyoung's head

• actually he loves kissing jinyoung's temple too

• he attacks his neck and jaw too, but that's another story.

• incredibly soft for him like very very very 너무너무너무 soft

• fool for jinyoung

• hates aegyo but would do it for jinyoung

• actually he does almost everything just for jinyoung

• always reminding jinyoung of his worth

• never ever doubts jinyoung's love for him

• possesive-ish???

• cheeseball

• always sleeps after jinyoung does

• ^ tbh so he can stare at jinyoung's peaceful state, but nah

in conclusion, jaebum is just a really soft dork for jinyoung and would do anything for him bc jinyoung is his princess and he'd give the whole world to him if he could. i'm so sappy but i'm too far down the jjp river that i can't stop ;-; anyway!! hope you enjoyed this!!

(gif not mine, credits to got7-ijb-imjaebum!!)

[bleakjae]

(6) a thousand reasons for my heart to find.

genre: fluff. very fluffy rated slightly M as well due to mentions of ***

word count: 322

warning(s): suggestive/mentions of *** oops, pls don’t click read more if you are uncomfortable !! but it’s very mild :) okay no i lied it isnt very mild after all but its not a literal smut ok i need to stop

characters/pairing: jjproject. fav otp to die for pls ship

it’s been a while since i wrote idol x idol and it took me like 15 minutes to write this so please excuse me if it’s bad,,,,, anyway i hope you enjoy this! :)

it takes a thousand reasons for park jinyoung to fall in love with im jaebum.

he loves how, he manages to look so effortlessly good whenever his stylists comb and gel his beautiful black locks up.

he loves how, his passion is always overwhelming on stage when he dances, even though he knows he's far from yugyeom's level.

he loves how, he has such an alluring low and soothing voice, that always gets jinyoung.

he loves how, he'd always willingly bear the burdens of the other six on top of his own, tend to their needs and listen to them, despite being overly fatigued and in need of rest.

he loves how, the look in his eyes could go from fierce to soft and mesmerising within seconds when he locks gazes with jinyoung.

he also loves how, whenever he kisses jinyoung, his kisses were always soft and gentle, jinyoung swears he has never felt this good before in his whole 23 years of life.

he also loves how, he always manages to leave jinyoung desiring for more with his kisses. which eventually leads to hot nights, but that’s another story.

he also loves how, whatever jaebum does makes his boyfriend’s name roll off his tongue uncontrollably, somehow acting as a motivation for jaebum to quicken his pace, filling jinyoung up. or rather, jaebum loves squeezing jinyoung’s ass while he denied his release, to which jinyoung would always become a sobbing mess infront of him, choking out in pleasure.

he also loves how, after heated make-out sessions, he'd always tend to jinyoung gently and carefully, ensuring he was sound asleep before he attended to himself.

he also really loves how, he'd always be there for jinyoung when he broke down, taking him into his warm and soothing embrace, running his fingers softly through his hair, whispering comforting and assuring words like, "it's okay now babe, shh" or "shh baby it's okay everything's fine, i'm here".

but it's one specific reason why park jinyoung is smitten.

and that is,

for the countless times jinyoung had whimpered out in between his sobbing frenzy, "don't leave me", not once has jaebum failed to tell him, "baby, i wouldn't go anywhere without you. cause you're my world"

and that, simply explains how jaebum made jinyoung smitten.

ok i am sorry for the not so mild portion ;;; nonetheless i had fun writing this i hope y’all enjoy this piece of writing!!

(gif not mine, credits to laughinapple!)

[bleakjae]

(5) letters

was in pretty much an angst phase lately hence i thought i’d write some angst. i hope the storyline/rationale can be understood? haha not really a great piece of work though c: really sorry i haven’t been posting ;A; either ways i hope you enjoy this!

001.

-

hey love,

how are you? i hope you're doing well. i miss you, i honestly really do. i miss the warm hugs you'd always envelop me in when i came back home, i miss the soft kisses you peppered all over my face, i miss your warm small hands that fit cutely into mine, i miss everything. most importantly, i miss you. i'm still in shock, honestly. the guys have tried to talk me out of it but i guess it's just not working. i miss you so badly, i miss your presence. without you, this place honestly seems lifeless.

don't worry about me, i'll try and keep myself busy. i guess. i'll try not to miss you too much.

though you'll never hear this again, i love you x

026.

-

hey babe,

it's been ages since i've called you that, hasn't it? on a side note, it's the 26th day. wow. can you believe it's been 26 days. i really hope you're doing well i've gotten slightly better in these few days, i suppose. the guys came around a few times, i honestly am so grateful for such people like them. but i guess maybe because i miss you so badly, i still can't get over your absence.

babe, i miss your scent so much. the room doesn't smell like you anymore, and it makes me cry at the thought of your absence even in the room. i miss you so much it's honestly driving me crazy.

it's the 26th day... i honestly wonder how far i'm going to get.

whatever it is, i love you x

061.

-

hey beautiful. it's the 61st day. i've been coping well so far. the guys said color has returned to my face over the past few weeks and my appetite has gotten better. guess i'm getting better, huh?

i walked down our favourite path yesterday, and i went into our favourite place. do you remember it? yeah, that cafe. as i sat there alone, all the memories of us, our small little dates came flooding back. but hey, i'm okay. i just really miss you, that's all. that's a good sign right? haha. whatever it is princess, i hope you're doing well. love you x

your prince

143.

-

hey beautiful!

wow, it's been more than just a few months. i've gotten over my depressed phase, though i still really miss you loads. the guys were really supportive all this while though, they picked up therapy with me so i'd feel less lonely and get you off my mind. really blessed to have them hahaha. really wish you were here though ;;

how are you doing? you doin' fine? haha i suppose you are. missing you loads though ahhhhh ;;;;

anyway, hugs and kisses, love you beautiful x

200.

-

hey sunshine,

happy birthday!

it's the first time not celebrating your birthday together in our long years of relationship ;;;

haha honestly though, how you doin'? hahaha anyway i hope you enjoy yourself?? oh hey, on a side note, it's the 200th day. ;^) missing you loads but i guess i'm coping well.

love you loads sunshine, happy birthday again x

278.

-

dear beloved,

yay, time to celebrate? haha. i've finally gotten over my sadness over you hahaha. the guys and i had been busy preparing for our concert lately, so i apologise for the recent short letters. but hey! it's finally over!! :') i'm so proud of the boys, and i'm so thankful to them for coming this far with me. did you watch us? are you proud of us? :')

lots of love xoxo

your beloved

365.

-

hey darling!

it's been a year... wow. i'm amazed i could stay this long :') 365 days babe, i made it! :') nevertheless you never leave my mind ♡ it's been a year, you doin' okay? i guess so, right? hahaha.

i miss you loads honestly, but i guess i need to let go, and let you be free.

honestly, i think you and i know that these 365 days weren't easy. there were many up and downs, but i'm especially grateful to the guys for staying with me all this while and giving me hope. so yeah, thank them when you have time alright? hahaha, just a joke.

whatever it is, these 365 days have not been easy. and though it's been a year, my love for you has not changed. (okay maybe it got stronger? hahaha) just want you to know this'll be the last letter for now? haha i'll write to you when i'm free!

can't write much, gotta go get your favourite scented white roses and your gift now!

love you x

he knelt in front of her, giving her the brightest smile he had ever shown in the past year. he placed the bouquet of scented white roses and the stack of letters down, and in his hand was her gift. "hey babe, got you a little something. hope you love it as much as i do."

he produced a simple yet elegant necklace from the small box, gazed at it softly, before placing it beside the roses and the stack of letters he wrote to her.

he took one last long glance at her, before he got up and left.

[bleakjae]

(4) rose petals

a rose was left on her doorstep, and with the rose came an attached note. 'pluck a petal of the rose every day, just one, no more, no less.' - the first day, she rose to the sun gleaming through her blinds. she plucked off a petal. 'you're the best thing that ever happened to me' - the second day, she rose to clouds in pools of tears. she plucked off a second petal. 'you're useless, get out!' - days went past, and petals of the rose decreased. for every good day that a petal was plucked, nothing but sweet words came with it. - every bad day that she plucked a petal on, everything assosciated with harshness met her. - somehow, the recent petals she had plucked, left her with nothing but tears at something she probably would label 'harsh love'. - she was afraid; afraid of the remaining few petals waiting to be plucked off. would they bring her the happiness she was lacking? or would they continue attacking her, inside out? - three petals. one. 'didn't i say not to meet him anymore?' two. 'do i love you?' she shut her eyes, and inhaled deeply. three. 'we're over.'

[bleakjae]

(3) for my prince.

for that one boy. -

he whom stirred hearts at first sight, drew crowds to him with his voice, brightened many days with his stupidity, and touched many more with his heart. -

that one boy, who auditioned to become like his role model, sang with all his might despite the discomfort he experienced, rushed off immediately after he was done, and got accepted the day he was better. -

could it be that they accepted him out of pity? even so, they made a right choice. -

for that one boy who captured my heart like no other, for the one that never stopped believing, for him whom listened to problems but suffered in silence, for many’s prince that touched lives. -

happy birthday, kim sunggyu! ♡ -

never stop believing and don’t give up! love, inspirits. ♡

[bleakjae]

(2) mystery, or no?

there was the saying, "she loved mysteries so much that she became one" she asked herself, "am i a mystery?" bullied by many, deceived by lots, trampled on several times, yet she still smiled. she was one of a kind, or is she not? to those whom caused her current state, those that stabbed her heart multiple times, those she wasted tears over. those people, should never be forgived, and someone should teach them a lesson, or give them a taste of their own medicine. yet she had a heart full of innocence; she forgived them time after time; so much that her heart became immune to all the arrows that were fired on a daily basis. she wanted everything to stop, her world was crashing down day after day; but what was left to do? last resort. she spent the night, writing ever so beautifully and carefully, though no one may end up reading it after all. before she did what had to be done; she sealed it up, left it on the table and waited for the struck of midnight before she left the world, forever.

[bleakjae]

(1) him, her.

maybe there was something about him, that always caught her by surprise, leaving her breathless at sight. perhaps there really was just something, something special about him that she saw. they crossed paths, they exchanged small smiles, his voice seemed to never leave her mind. there was something about his voice, that couldn't get out of her head. 'it's you again,' he said, his voice ringing in her mind. probably mesmerized, probably intoxicated, was she. everyone that knew them, seemed to always comment on their relationship; they all reckoned they made a cute couple together. both knew, that they weren't at that state. they either shot them looks, or continued on, with their conversation, in their own little world. she was clear she didn't have feelings for him. or was she? she tended to list off their similarities at her fingertips, always ending off with stereotypes like 'he's just someone i'm comfortable with'. sure, they were comfortable. took them just a few meetings, before they seemed like they knew each other their whole lives. whenever he walked past her, perhaps it was that strong and mysterious aura he had, or his voice that was soothing to her ears, she fell hard. she was intoxicated; by him. was it love, they had?