my creative dumpster

i post random memes, poetries, paintings, etc. my tag: #kaushikiwrites

[bled-by-kaushiki]

If my body were made out of clay and so was yours

I'd hug you and melt into you

Shape us into a vessel so delicate

I'd take my time placing every details

Be more careful with the pressure I put

I'd deny to be independent

We'd break and fall apart but won't be separated

If my body were made out of clay and so was yours

I'd hug you and melt into you

I'd let you define my existence

~kaushiki

(dedicated)

[bled-by-kaushiki]

was it supposed to hurt?

was it supposed to hurt when you told me how much you hated me

how much you wished for me to not exist

for me to not be in your vicinity

to lose any sensation you've felt from me

was it supposed to twist and turn and churn the crumbs of my heart?

all of that I have felt, all of that you've made me feel

was all that supposed to relinquish me from the matter?

when you curled you fingers and dug them into my stomach

took my insides out and filled me junk and felt me with disgust

and turned my brain over and broke my spine

was I supposed to beg and crawl and groan on your feet?

when you sensed I won

my victory, that you claimed to be your defeat

wasn't I supposed to feel calm and joyous?

free and alive?

was i meant to hurt?

~kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

burns are not supposed to hurt

they just leave a mark

the subconscious mind's stark

makes it hard to focus

the life I've lived and it's locus

the slivers makes creases

the sheets get drawn into breezes

the autumn leaves fall and get declared dead

even though it's colour is alive and red

burns don't hurt

they just leave a mark.

~kaushiki

(creds to my boyfriend for inspiring me with the line, "burns are not supposed to hurt, they just leave a mark" )

[bled-by-kaushiki]

Narrow

my head feels light

it's aerated

it's hollow

a brain with blanks

a strain in strands

my hands don't move

my legs won't slide

my tongue is tied

i am choking

the pain that's evoking

the thud in my back

my heart sank into my abdomen

through the diaphragm

into my stomach

it's digested

it's draining

it's tearing

it's paining

my fingers are being pulled on

by a rope from my insides

my nails are being plucked out

with tongs of which I have no sight

there's a tingle under my skin

the needles poke through it

i see no blood

i see no marks

i cannot comprehend what's not showing

-kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

"I'll start after I finish high school

I'll start after I join college

I'll start after I finish a year

I'll start after I get a degree

I'll start after my internship

I'll start after I get a job

I'll start-

I need to start

I'll start...

My life isn't over yet,

I'll start.

No time is lost

No idea is old

No skills are vanished

I have it in me

I HAVE IT IN ME

I will start..."

They read it before giving me an eulogy,

It was my final wish.

-kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

If we fall in love

And the death embraces your soul

And the earth and fire and water and air takes you in

I'd find you in the sky,

In it's colours and rainbows

And clouds and the stars that shine

I'd love you till death

Because that's what you did.

-kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

"just once I'd like to be the poem, and not the poet"

just once I'd like to feel how being loved feels and not be the lover

just once I'd like to wear paper rings and not make them

just once I'd like to get gifts and not be the giver

just once I'd like to be the one over whom someone loses their sleep and not be the night hawk

just once I'd like to feel how it feels when someone burns their existence into ashes just for me and not pour my soul into someone only for them to see me

~ kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

I lost myself in the war

But I'm found now

I know who I am

I know what I love

I know my people

I know my home

But in all the fights

In all the battles

I lost the me I was

I don't know her

I don't know who she is

Where she belongs

Who she loves

What she does

I found myself

But at the cost of losing the little girl I once was.

-kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

In all of that I've said and done was all of that you have never even thought of.

-kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

All the drinks I spilt, and all the bottles I broke were cleaned up. All I ever wanted was for you to come back. All I'd ever need is for you to stay away. In all my vulnerability you saw my mistakes. In all my love you saw the emptiness in my soul. In all the roses I gave you, you picked at the thorns. In all the letters I sent you, you saved the stamps.

- kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

A Writer's Muse

You will never love me the way I love you

Because I write, not just poems but I write to you.

I can close my notebook

I can stop creating worlds

I can sit with you on the dining table and write about you for days,

For months and for years to come, I'll describe you in every way.

Your love, your warmth, your anger, your calm-

I will call you the honey that I wish I was,

I will tell you, "You're sweet" and I will mean all my words.

I'll stop showing people how I love writing,

I'll sit with you under the stars explaining how they are shining.

I will lose my lexicon, I'll forget how to write-

I'll look at you and you'll still understand everything from my eyes.

All the metaphors and verbs in the poems I write

Will be lost in me on your actions and disguise.

I will stop bleeding on the paper...

I will bleed on your mouth,

On your skin, on your bones,

On the corpses I surmount.

My pen won't work like a sword anymore

It will be the feather to graze you to your core.

I will lose all my books, I will spill all my ink,

I will spell you how you are with my fingertips.

And still, you won't love me the way I love you

Because I'm a writer and I can give up the world for you.

~ kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

I watch you from a far flung space

You never seem to even catch my gaze

My heart burns; it burns through my abdomen and sinks into my stomach

You calm my mind, you rage my insides

"Why can't I have you?", I blame my luck-

I feel the warmth of your skin through my eyes

If you touch me with those hands I feel like I might die

~kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

Depression

my body rots under a pile of sheets

my soul has burnt out

my hair is stuck in a greasy knot

my teeth are plaque-sheathed

the smelly tshirts have formed a heap

the dust has formed a layer on everything

i sit and stare and understand from the corner of my room

the bits of biscuit slid under the sofa hasn't been cleaned for months

the water dripping out of the toilet flush tank is not included in the funds

the curtains shading the window hasn't moved for a decade

the empty cups and coffee mugs lie on the desk

my skin is itching, the soap is new

my bathroom is dry and I'm not running out of my shampoo

the cables on the bed strangle me

the matress is carved for me to fit in

the corner of the bed is slouched where I'm always sitting

I lie and stare and understand from the side of my bed

the ceiling has spider webs and a lot of insects

the cup noodles have been stacking up, one for a day

they will help me count how long has it been till today

my bottle has been half empty for the last four days

my arms are red, my face is pale,

I have decayed.

~kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

Star Child

I took the medals out

I let my mind rot

I lost all the credit I have ever got.

All my achievements were gone

The golden grades were now grey,

The black strokes of my pen on the paper were stray.

I never belonged, I never will-

The star child and the nobody, both were me.

I was invisible and now nobody could see me

I am only me in the dreams I believe.

The forgotten kid, the lost one,

The last person you'd count on.

The straight A's led to B's

They followed the letters of the alphabet till E.

I'm stuck to my bed, my back on the wall,

When I sleep I wake up from a fall.

My brain is rushing,

The smoke slows it down.

The matress takes me in,

When I throw the bottles out.

The golden child whose mind cuts through like a diamond

Has turned so blue and wizened.

The white canvas left tinted brown,

The colours look at me with a frown.

The crown I owned, fell down.

Now I look like a clown having a meltdown.

Everyone points at me and laughs

They frame me as a disastrous craft.

The star child was a mirrorball

Who'd reflect through it's broken pieces when the light would fall.

The broken pieces fell off one by one,

Don't mourn- the star child is gone.

~kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

I was hungry, I was yearning for you. So, I baked a cake and poured all the vanilla in it. The sweetness took me out but I didn't mind because I could taste you in my mouth.

~kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

I love honey. I love how it's warm and sweet and medicating. I love how honey is so thick but still it can seep into cracks and fill them without losing itself. I want to be honey.

~kaushiki

[bled-by-kaushiki]

To be me, is worth living.

To make myself, is worth breathing.

To love myself is worth the sanity.

~kaushiki