bleeding but alive

i am a cutter. i am indecisive. i am contradictory. i am pathetic. i am worthless. and i am hopelessly in love with you. i'm so sorry but i love you.

[bleeding-but-alive]

hi, i saw your post. never give in. you are so, so much stronger than you know. you just have to decide to. decide for once and for all that you will never cut, and the day will come when you wont even want to cut, i swear. it really is that simple. you are not alone ever. many people here care, including me and will listen. stay strong and dont give up xx

i'm trying. the last time i've done it so much was 3 years ago. i was strong for so long (i wavered sometimes but i was for the most part strong).

and now i'm tired of being strong.

[bleeding-but-alive]

I actually just want to be dead now. I want to disappear from this world. become nothing. I don't want this pain anymore. I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want to keep thinking of you knowing that you aren't thinking of me. I don't want you to not care about me anymore. fuck. I love you so much. and I can't live without you.

[bleeding-but-alive]

i've basically been cutting myself every day now.

this is a new high for me.

ugh.

can i just not.

[bleeding-but-alive]

i've lost my lover boy.

my lover boy my lover boy my lover boy.

i loved you so much.

i love you so much.

fuck.

come back to me my love.

[bleeding-but-alive]

i had another summer romance.

i never learn do i.

lol.

he was really fucking nice. one of the nicest people i've ever met.

with the softest lips ever.

one of my favorite things to do was just kiss him over and over again.

he worked where i worked over the summer. so we had a lot of fun sneaking into conference rooms and then snogging.

it was one of the most exhilarating experiences i've had. the excitement of making out with someone that you work with is amazing.

but all good things must come to an end.

internship ended. we parted ways. that was it.

we still talk. and i know that if we were closer to each other proximity-wise, i would date him.

but alas. i was with my love. and he was too far.

but then my relationship ended. and it made me think of all the possibilities. there are so many people in the world, surely i'll be able to find someone to love me wholly and completely for who i am, right?

i wish.

[bleeding-but-alive]

this summer i saw N again. for the first time in approximately 4 years. the first time we really talked since the awkward ordeal of him finding this blog.

he's still with her. that girlfriend of his. he's so happy with her. and even though it's been 4 years, i still feel like i would be better for him. i still think about what it would be like if it was me next to him, loving him. how different my life would me. 

could he have made me happy?

i wonder. 

but he was just as attractive as always. just as lovely as always. 

old habits die hard. i still crush on him. he is no longer my lifeline, but there are still feelings that remain from when he was.

i am thankful towards him for saving me from myself.

and i wish that i could have had a chance with him.

thanks N.

bye N. 

i'm trying to close that chapter of my life.

[bleeding-but-alive]

i went through this blog, from the beginning, and read all my words.

hah. 

i've gotten older. more cynical. more jaded. but i remember the feelings i had back then. the one person i talked about a lot, let's call him N. he was my lifeline. back then, i genuinely believed i needed him to live.

so i guess what has changed is that i know that there is much more to live for than for one person. but i do know that having a person is such a fulfilling lovely feeling.

my person has changed since the beginning of this blog. but it has been the same person for the past 2.5 years. i loved him. so much. no wait, i love him. although i don't know if it is just attachment due to familiarity or because i really do love him.

you know that phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."? i think it's true. now that i'm without him, i miss him like hell. i miss his warmth. his hands. his kisses. his care. his love. 

i never realized what i had before i lost him. not everything was perfect. we fought and sometimes he was insensitive or didn't seem to care. but compared to not having him? having him was so much better. 

i'm so lonely right now. i miss being hugged by him. the way that he smelled. i miss everything about him.

-

the worst thing about this whole ordeal is how fine he is. we basically live together (that's the way our campus housing worked out, it was on purpose) and so i see him all the time. he's not crushed. sad. lonely. he's always smiling and happy. i hear his laughter. and it makes me remember how i used to make him laugh. how there were smiles just for me. and now there are none. nothing is for me. none of him belongs to me anymore. and that makes me unbearably sad. 

there were soft words and touches and feelings that were mine exclusively, and all of a sudden they were taken from me. if i wasn't so selfish and greedy maybe i could have stayed with him. 

i miss you love. i miss you so much.

-

last night i read over letters that he wrote to me. at the beginnings of our relationship. a year into our relationship. the amount of love that i read burned. the feelings were so strong and lovely and happy and they hurt to read. "from: someone madly in love with you" and "i never want to be without you" and "i will love you forever and always" words like this stung me until tears stung at my eyes and i was falling apart at the seams.

what could have happened in the years after that? what changed so much? how did we become so distant and different? what happened to our love?

another thing that he promised me at the beginning of our relationship was how he was going to fix me. that he would make me happy. that i would stop cutting for him. and i did. and i stopped cutting. i was happy and comfortable in my life. to the point where i didn't feel the urges to slash my skin anymore.

and it's back now. 

i'm not going to say that it's because of him that i'm cutting myself. but he is most definitely a contributing factor. all of a sudden the most important person in my life is no longer in my life. the stress and terror of that broke me. 

i miss you.

i love you.

i want you back.

please don't leave me.

please love me.

i miss you.

[bleeding-but-alive]

LOLLL. i've actually for realsies relapsed this time.

recently, my 2.5 year relationship ended. that coupled with school and work and responsibilities has pushed me over the edge.

i can't even keep count of the lines that grace my skin once again. 

i don't even care enough to count.

i don't care about anything.

i just want to cry. cut. and sleep.

but i have things to do.

-

but all i seem to be doing is crying. cutting. and sleeping.

i can't motivate myself to do work.

i ran out of bandaids too. i ordered some though and they should be getting here tomorrow. but i'm not entirely sure.

-

my only desires now are him. and the blade. 

what a great way to start my sophomore year of college.

[bleeding-but-alive]

for the first time in what... forever?

i cut myself. 

that clean streak?

gone?

my scars were healing, disappearing, i was getting better.

-

and then crash, it's gone.

done.

i messed up again.

fuck.

i always mess up.

two beautiful x's. right where the old ones were.

the ones that i missed i guess.

i almost want all my dainty beautiful scars back.

[bleeding-but-alive]

i haven't touched this place in a long while.

because i thought that maybe i was strong enough to just contain all my feelings

solve all my problems.

maybe even attain happiness.

-

well let me tell you now, it's not working.

-

i'm just as sad as ever.

and my heart hurts like nothing else.

i want to be dead.

no 

more than that

i want to bleed.

-

-

i think tonight,

-

i shall bleed.

for the first time.

in a long while.

[bleeding-but-alive]

yesterday i broke down.

big time.

and i think it scared him a bit.

he didn't know i was still so broken.

i guess.

never fully ok.

i'm so tired.

and i have absolutely no motivation to do anything.

at all.

[bleeding-but-alive]

Aren't we all.

basically yes.

[bleeding-but-alive]

And why do you feel you must conform to their standard of success? Do you not have your own?

i have my own.

i think it is my own expectations of myself that bring me down the most.

i expect myself to succeed. and curse myself when i don't.

i am my own worst critic. 

[bleeding-but-alive]

Who expects you to succeed?

parents.

friends.

school.

everyone.

[bleeding-but-alive]

How are you doing?

me?

i'm alright.

could be better, but i'm alright.

lots of stress from school, but nbd.

i'm expected to succeed.

thanks for asking.

[bleeding-but-alive]

do not think me better.

do not think me cured.

do not think me fixed.

-

i will never be better. never be cured. never be fixed.

-

you always leave me when i most need you.

assuring be that you will "always come back."

but i need you now! don't you understand?

but you can't be there.

that's the thing.

-

and so i turn to my old shiny silver friend.

oh how i have missed you.

come in, come in,

we have much catching up to do.

-

4 months. poof! back to square one.

[bleeding-but-alive]

doomed from the start eh?

.

yes. doomed from the start.

we could never be anything more.

splitting myself between two people, was morally and ethically wrong.

i was doing the very thing i told myself i would never do.

furthermore, it was taxing on me. i was tired. irritable.

the truth is, i was in love with you.

oh yes.

infatuated with you.

but we could never be, right?

doomed from the start.

you lived half a world away from me. you were going to go to military school.

i'm staying here. in the states. going to college.

the stars just didn't line up.

you could never be with a foreigner, and neither could i.

friends you say? yes. we could be friends.

but i know. you still love me. you tell me constantly.

but i can't.

i won't do that.

i won't hurt him.

i know how much pain i give him. how much he hurt because i strayed.

he blamed himself. and in his eyes i am still a saint.

although i am truly nothing but a scumbag.

so I'm trying. again. 

for him.

and the truth is he gives me a lot of pain. but i see him, and i know that pain is reciprocated onto him.

his fear permeates all.

scared that i will leave.

and i have that same fear.

we are bound together by our fear.

and in that way, we are bound together by our love.

i do love him.

i was lonely.

i fell in love again.

-

but truly.

i love you both.

but i have chosen.

and that is that.