i went through this blog, from the beginning, and read all my words.
i've gotten older. more cynical. more jaded. but i remember the feelings i had back then. the one person i talked about a lot, let's call him N. he was my lifeline. back then, i genuinely believed i needed him to live.
so i guess what has changed is that i know that there is much more to live for than for one person. but i do know that having a person is such a fulfilling lovely feeling.
my person has changed since the beginning of this blog. but it has been the same person for the past 2.5 years. i loved him. so much. no wait, i love him. although i don't know if it is just attachment due to familiarity or because i really do love him.
you know that phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."? i think it's true. now that i'm without him, i miss him like hell. i miss his warmth. his hands. his kisses. his care. his love.
i never realized what i had before i lost him. not everything was perfect. we fought and sometimes he was insensitive or didn't seem to care. but compared to not having him? having him was so much better.
i'm so lonely right now. i miss being hugged by him. the way that he smelled. i miss everything about him.
the worst thing about this whole ordeal is how fine he is. we basically live together (that's the way our campus housing worked out, it was on purpose) and so i see him all the time. he's not crushed. sad. lonely. he's always smiling and happy. i hear his laughter. and it makes me remember how i used to make him laugh. how there were smiles just for me. and now there are none. nothing is for me. none of him belongs to me anymore. and that makes me unbearably sad.
there were soft words and touches and feelings that were mine exclusively, and all of a sudden they were taken from me. if i wasn't so selfish and greedy maybe i could have stayed with him.
i miss you love. i miss you so much.
last night i read over letters that he wrote to me. at the beginnings of our relationship. a year into our relationship. the amount of love that i read burned. the feelings were so strong and lovely and happy and they hurt to read. "from: someone madly in love with you" and "i never want to be without you" and "i will love you forever and always" words like this stung me until tears stung at my eyes and i was falling apart at the seams.
what could have happened in the years after that? what changed so much? how did we become so distant and different? what happened to our love?
another thing that he promised me at the beginning of our relationship was how he was going to fix me. that he would make me happy. that i would stop cutting for him. and i did. and i stopped cutting. i was happy and comfortable in my life. to the point where i didn't feel the urges to slash my skin anymore.
i'm not going to say that it's because of him that i'm cutting myself. but he is most definitely a contributing factor. all of a sudden the most important person in my life is no longer in my life. the stress and terror of that broke me.