Why their dissosiative behaviour affected me?
I tried to educate myself regarding this type of condition. That was seen as disturbing and interfering. I asked them to give me some cues when to spot these moments or even nano-seconds. I was told not to look for those.
Dissociation can be subtle and is not necessarily recognized by others.
We were enjoying ourselves at their parent’s summercottage in late Feb. One morning I decided to go for a walk on the frozen lake. I had made them some coffee ready.
When I came back, they started to shout and throw things around demanding to know that surely I was thinking of breaking-up with them.
I was devastated, on the contrary, I was thinking how to get to know each other even better, and how excited I was for all the upcoming adventures.
They started to get irritated and aggressive all of a sudden. I said I am not abandoning them but supporting and taking care of them. That they could open up to me, and I wouldn’t silence them.
They said we don’t communicate. I saw them go even deeper into their own world not even desiring any acts of communication. How to enhance something they were so resistent to see from a greater perspective.
nterestingly enough, they abandoned me. Accused me of being a horrible person for trying to be there for them. I started noticing them distancing themself more regularly. Then they came and ripped away all of what was left from my self-esteem because they wanted to set boundaries. And I submitted.
When I demanded my rights and my space, to them, it was proposturous and obnoxious. I wanted us both to have our own space and our shared, safe space. They refused to listen, yet they wanted everyone to hear.
As I am writing this, I am exhausted, betrayed, heart-broken and crying.
They think they has it all under control and I was the one to blame.
All I did was tried to love them in a way they should’ve been loved since they were a child. I was there, took their blame, belittleing and accusations. They remain permanent under my skin as stigmas.
Dissociative disorder affects all of us, not just the ones it makes experience these unzoneing moments
