jae_rose

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

Ughh the only thing giving me hope is hands on sideshow 🙄😂😍😘😩until that dayyyyy

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

Something like a Sunday funday at one of our favorite places with t and bre ❤️

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

kaiho.

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

Semen and a vibrating toothbrush. I miss our adventures. Wearing lingerie and you sticking your dick out the window cause I dared you. God we were crazy. Are** i miss you.

I’m learning some people need a sob story to think they matter. I just hate that they are using you to do it. I’m grateful you kno now how genuine my love is. for you. How fucked up this has really made me. I don’t care to share what I want people to think… my love and life is real. We were real. I’m also grateful other people can see through that shit. Id trade a million of these bum hoes and dead beat Dads, hell I’d sell my soul to have you back. I belong to you as I always have. And you I. I can’t wait for the day that I see you.

I was by your apartment yesterday… I sat in my car and cried. I didn’t want to be there but I felt I needed to face that. Walking in the hallway, thinking about when I found you. How you were just on the other side of that couch and they held me back from you. I wanted to see you, badly. Chris said I shouldn’t have done it.. if I wasn’t ready. that I don’t need to get use to that, being there. but I do, I needed to feel that. Face that. All the damn apartments are the same, he has your exact blue shower curtain. I’m sick. It’s too similar.. his beard and tattoos. It fucks me up. I’m grateful he lets me vent about you. I’m not sure why he’s here or why we’re frenz. Maybe I need him right now. He’s moving to Janesville too. Regardless he’s been some light in this and supporting In my decisions. I can’t help but wish he was you.

Today is Sunday funday … I find people are trying to keep those moments we had like this alive. Asking me about our favorite places. Making sure those pieces of my life aren’t gone. I fucking miss you, you asshole. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. You should be here.

I fucking hate you.

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

Took my 1st anxiety pill since postpartum. I feel weak. I worked so hard on my mind and strength. I was driving by the cemetery today.. not realizing you were there. My heart sunk. I break... I can't wait to get the hell out of Beloit. I repeatedly told myself last night.. "wake up, do your hair, do your makeup" normality .. it's just not normal. Your gone.. and I fucking hate it. I'm missing you now. I hate music.. pictures... driving.. movies... time. I'm gonna face another fear.. I've avoided that area .. I can't keep feeling this way. Everyone goes back to their lives.. and here I am.. waiting. It's not fair. I can't wait for a change, a whole new routine. I need it and fast. Talked to my Mom today. I explained to her how it's her and what we went through with Dad that gives me some strength.. I miss him too. It's Nunu and I tonight.. I made Sangria liked we talked about. I think I'll do this more. Do the things we didn't get too. Chris told me I'd never let you go, he's right. Love you jerk. Stay with me. I need you.

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

I made it a point to get out of bed, do my makeup and hair. I haven’t done myself up in 3 weeks.. can’t lie, it made me feel good.

Also made some Sangria. ❤️

Def cried a few times today... but I'm slowly seeing things fall into place.

Small pleasures.

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

Sums us up lol ❤️

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

❤️

[jj201487]

[allmymetaphors]

[purplebuddhaproject]

https://www.instagram.com/pbuddhaproject/

[typelikeagirl]

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

I know I said I wasn't going to write, but it's the only thing keeping me going. I'm trying to figure out how I'm suppose to keep going .. I spent 6 years and damn near every day of it talking to you that I don't kno how to go forward. I'm broken, sick and stuck. I can't get that smell out of my body ... I taste it, I hear, I see it. It makes me sick to my core. I don't kno how to move on, im trying. I think that's why I'm running. I miss you so bad I'm sick. I'm exhausted. I went to the graduation party... and I just get the stares.. I'm so over it. I was waiting for you to come around the corner. I'm sad. Sam put me on anxiety pills ... I wish for you back daily. I heard some shit today that was expected but to be honest I don't care who thinks what. They didn't find you, I did. They didn't cloth you, I did. They didn't wipe your nose at the funeral, I did. Fuck a show. I held you down till death. And I wouldn't change that. Regardless of what people thought or what we did.. it was always you and I. They know how much I love you and vise versa. I know, I hear you.. it doesn't matter anymore. It just hurts sometimes. Normal isn't normal after this shit, it's finding a new way of living with a scar. I think about your leg and how you pushed forward.. that's how I feel. Walking with a limp, a scar, a missing piece. I'm fucked up... Over God. I love you soulfully, whole heartedly. I miss you.

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

On break wishing I can send you a stupid text. Today is tough I’m not sure why, but it is. I woke up crying and dragged my ass out of bed. I’m so fucking angry at the world right now. I really wish people would leave me alone. I don’t give a fuck about God or religion or if “it was your time”. Fuck what’s meant to happen. Ughhh stupid sadness. Im mad at you. I don’t cry EVER and I’m mad that that’s all I seem to find myself doing. I don’t feel sorry for myself.. I feel sorry for Hector, Pops, Little Granny, E. I’m mad for Granny. My heart is at it’s worse and I need light… I’m not sure where to begin. I want to run. I want to fight. God. I fucking hate this world and the people in it that don’t get it. I’m empty. I can’t get your face out of my mind Friday. How I caught you staring at me, studying me. it stopped me in my tracks and I have so many questions… I’m done writing you.

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

[blizfulnsanity-blog]

I hope your resting easy Daddy.

I dreamt about you. Us at the pub eating pie and drinking beer. My birthdays coming up and I’m sick. Our rituals are forever taken. I sat with Pops and Tracs yesterday. We’re not the same. Anger… just pure anger. I’m ready to move closer to them. I know that gave Pops some light. I can hear you telling me not to leave Beloit. But as of now papi, there is nothing left for me here.

I think about how we talked about growing old together when the kids were adults. Drinking and eating burritos lol. I miss you hourly. I deleted everything, I’m tired of looking at shit. People judging. My grieving is for me I realize and it doesn’t have to be explained. I know I’m closing off but I’m seriously over people. My life is not a show, so I’m focusing on the things that really matter. Like healing, work, buying a house (like we wanted) and especially the kids. They love you Scootie. They miss you. Hectors been angry and it breaks my heart. I’m tired of people asking me how I’m doing. Cause I’m just doing… I’m broken. I hate the stigma.. the looks.. how people don’t know how to talk to me. I’m angry.

Last day of work this week, it’s been tough… I hate that I won’t see you today. I cry still. I can’t help it. I just want you back. It’s hard to get out of bed.

I didn’t pray last night.

[kushandwizdom]