MyLuckyFin

Shit| 26 now. Momma to a beautiful almost 4 year old. Lucky. In love.

[blogsarahkiefferworld]

day four of my social media hiatus from Twitter, Insta, Snapchat and Facebook. My relationship had become so toxic with them and I NEEDED a break.

[blogsarahkiefferworld]

What he doesn’t tell you.

Does he tell you about all the times I was crying, and how he’d yell because I didn’t want to talk about it? I just wanted to be held.

Does he tell you all the times he’d cry and I comforted him? Over a two week old baby named Luka that didn’t even exist...

Does he tell you about the conversations he had with his ex? About how he wished our daughter was their daughter. About how he’s never going to be able to love our daughter because it wasn’t hers.

Does he tell you about the times he made me hold him? Because his PTSD from serving was acting up. Yet he never did any time in the military.

Does he tell you about how it was always my responsibility to make sure he made it to the baby appointments? Not just make sure he knew that times, actually pick him up and be his ride.

Does he tell you about the many of times he called me foul names? Unprovoked.

Does he tell you about how he uses our daughter against me? How he puts her on the hood of my car when I’m trying to drive away from him. How he keeps information from me like when he’s going to give her back (I do have residential custody.) Or how he says “things wouldn’t have to be this way if you’d just be with me.”

No he doesn’t tell you that, but what I’m sure he does tell you is how horrible I am because I just won’t give him a chance, because I’ve given him way too many.

I’m sure he tells you, I keep his daughter from him. But reality is he only wants her when he can show her off to his friends. When it comes down to me actually needing help with her, he won’t do it because that’d mean he was helping me out.

But no he doesn’t tell you, what he’s done to make me the way I am towards him, he only tells you his side and his side has always been lies.

[blogsarahkiefferworld]

Can't take much more

How much more til it’s finally over?

[blogsarahkiefferworld]

Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.

Thomas Merton

[blogsarahkiefferworld]

That's me!

[blogsarahkiefferworld]

The Cat and the Fiddle

He's pretty great. He could be the love of my life. He excepts me for who I am. He loves me on my good and bad days. He's always there for me when I want him. He's got his flaws, but we all do. But he's pretty damn amazing. He's selfish and petty yet I love him nonetheless. He might just become my whole world. In late September 2015 when he randomly added me, I accepted, I crept through and thought, This dude is weird! Little did I know? LOL. And being the shallow person I am/was I never thought I'd ever talk to him, because he didn't look like "my type." He was goofy and nerdy looking so he just sat in my friends list unknowingly to both of us if we'd ever talk. Anyway, we both went through different paths in life. And almost a year later in May I messaged him and we talked ALL NIGHT and I work third shift so it was nice because not many people are up and willing to talk in those hours, but he was. We got to know each other a little bit and the next day we met. We went for a walk with his dog, and got covered in ticks. And even though ticks terrify me, I toughed it out because I got to spend some time getting to know the seemingly great guy. And it felt good to just have someone to talk to, because I'm so antisocial. So I find it hard to talk to many people. But I trusted him. As we continue to hang out I fell for him, he is so weird, he's crazy, he's fun, and he accepts me at my worst and best. I know I annoy the fuck out of him, but he hasn't given up yet. He's tried, and I've wanted to,because there's already been a time where I've hated him. But I always get over it and each time I do I feel I love him more. Sometimes I feel like there aren't the right words in the English vocabulary to explain how much I love him. Every time I feel that I try to put it into words and I can't so it becomes so frustrating, because in my "girl mind" as I call it, if I can come up with the right words he'll fall for me just as hard as I have fallen for him. In the five months we've known each other we've gotten closer and closer. He's love me even when I thought I couldn't love myself. He's there for me most the time. He defends me when people think they're being cute and trying to start shit with me over nothing. We had quite a few fights and even though they hurt like hell I'm so glad we are where we are today. I don't know where this is going but I hope the end result is worth it all. Because I love this amazing sweet guy for everything he is, he makes me a better person.

xoxox

[blogsarahkiefferworld]

Friendless Friendships

About a month ago I lost a friend because of selfishness on my behalf and hers. We just didn't mesh anymore, I'm going further in life and I felt like she was bringing me down with her. I just couldn't take anymore, mentally I have been broken for a long time and she failed to help me repair myself. Anyway, a little background.. She and I had been friends for 5 years, I met her when I dated her older brother. We became fast friends, and it was so easy to trust her, she was always around. And I was always there no matter what, for her and her kids. I love those kiddos to death, always have and always will after all the youngest two I have been there since birth for, and the oldest I met when she was 8 months old. Okay so on...

She and I had many fights but we always came back together, because we were each others best friends. Then one day she goes looking for a boyfriend and he seems so great and about a month into their relationship they are dating, only its a distance relationship and she'd had never met this man before. He was amazing over text and even in person didn't seem so bad. But about a week later everything changed for them he became psychotic, literally. And she claimed to be done but went back and I kind of distanced myself because I had told her he isn't worth the heartache and it just seemed like my opinion didn't matter to her.

Anyway, I guess she tried to kill herself because of said douche. And I don't know the full story because I did ghost her after not thinking I could mentally handle her drama. She messaged me when she got back from the mental hospital. Saying something along the lines that I'm not a very good friend which I can see considering I walked away, but to me my mental health is much more important. So selfish? Yes. But a bad friend? No. Communication is key to any relationship, and it was always about her. I never got the chance to say my piece and when I did she didn't listen.

So I ended our friendship completely, which has in turn made me a little less stressed. Some of it still bothers me she claimed to be such a good friend/person and she was a good friend some of the times, she was the only person I trusted with everything for the longest time. She knew all my secrets and everything deep I felt, whether she chose to listen or not.

A week ago I found out she's dating a kid who in my past took advantage of me sexually. I don't like to throw around the term rape, but if I did he would be my rapist and she knows about all that situation. How could someone who claims to care about you and be your friend do that? She's been raped before and he has really scarred her, she has made it clear how much the rape has changed her. Friends or not out of respect I could never date her rapist. I care too much. I couldn't hurt her like that.