🎵 Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I'm a monster on the hill. Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city. Pierced through the heart, but never killed 🎶 (anti-hero by taylor swift plays automatically when you go on sam's blog)
LIMA LOSER? OR IS THAT SAM EVANS? THEY MIGHT EVEN PASS FOR NICHOLAS GALITZINE IN THE RIGHT LIGHT. THEY'RE TWENTY-ONE, BUT STILL STUCK IN LIMA AT MCKINLEY. THEY'VE BEEN CALLED THE CROWD PLEASURE, BUT PREFER TO BE THE NEXT BIG THING. MAYBE IF THEY FIX THEIR AESTHETIC AKA LONG NIGHTS SPENT UNDER THE STARS ON A BLANKET IN THE BACK OF A PICK UP, UNDER THE BRIGHT NEON LIGHTS WITH A CAMERA ROLLING TO A SLOW SMOOTH SOUNDTRACK, AND LONG DISTANT CALLS HOME TO A DEEPLY MISSED FAMILY THEY'LL GET THEIR WAY. WORD ON THE SHOW CHOIR BLOGS ARE THEY'RE IN NEW DIRECTIONS. SO GOOD LUCK TO THEM!
THE BASICS:
name: samuel jessica evans.
nicknames: sammy, white chocolate, trouty mouth, blond chameleon or captain trouty.
pronouns: he/him.
gender: cismale.
birthday/zodiac: may 21, gemini.
birthplace: knoxville, tn!
relationship status: single.
sexuality: pansexual, like deadpool.
occupation: “accountant” and part time exotic dancer, also an ex-model. you might've seen my junk looking as big as a car on the side of a bus in new york a couple of years ago.
sports/clubs: art club, astronomy club, digital media club, drama club, fight club, film club, gay-straight alliance, god squad, improv club, painting club, photography club. i'm also on the football team, go titans! and the swim and synchronized swim teams.
major/minor: digital media and visual communications!
languages: english, ASL, na'vi, very poor spanish.
social media handles: blondchameleon everywhere and uh, ifykyk about my other ones.
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:
height: 6'0''.
build: athletic??? and my abs can cut glass, absolutely ab-ulous!
eye color: hazel.
hair color: blond and i don't dye it.
piercings: oh man, i got my nipples, tongue and ears pierced... but like, think teddy altman from marvel not grey's anatomy. but also specifically in his earth-616 era.
tattoos: i have a firefly quote on my forearm, i'm fine on my inner elbow, i'm just starting a sleeve of comics and anime panels on my right arm and left leg, respectively.
other distinguishing features: i got some birthmarks on my face?
style: homeless man, 12 year old boy, and a hooker!
PERSONALITY/INTERESTS:
traits: pretty much anything that fits a hufflepuff, so like loyal and creative, optimistic and i think i'm pretty funny and charming! i uh, might also be kinda stubborn and impulsive, according to my therapist.
likes: space, comic books, anime, chapstick, mountain dew and cool ranch doritos, avatar, star wars, lord of the rings, you know that kinda stuff.
dislikes: rude people (but i ain't hannibal okay), onions, pickles, losing, politics, math.
fears: being homless again or losing my friends and family.
skills: i can play the guitar and i can hold my breath for like five minutes underwater. i can fit my whole fist in my mouth too! i'm also pretty good at tying knots.
quirks: i bite my nails and talk in my sleep??? if i'm stressed out i also sleep walk?? i also do that thing people hate where i jiggle my leg when i'm nervous.
hobbies: doing impressions, playing sports and video games, i used to model a lot more than i do, but i think i like taking pictures more, playing the guitar and bass, especially for high road. i also dabble in paint and i love stargazing.
music tastes: ♪♫♬ listen... i like a lot of different stuff and some was just for work, but you can't hear something for so long and not enjoy it too. ♪♫♬
myers-briggs: it started with an e and ended with t? i think?
kinsey scale: it's a solid three, i know 'cause they taught me at pride a couple of years ago.
strengths: if you've seen me in the gym, you know. also i'm really working on my singing 'cause if i want to voice something on disney, i know i'm going to have to sing.
weaknesses: math. fuck math, fr.
My personality is like a radioactive asteroid, spend too much time with it and it could kill you.
BLAINE: Wait.
BLAINE: You guys actually wanna kiss?
BLAINE: I thought we were just joshing around 😂
BLAINE: Your time will come, Tina.
BLAINE: I'm not experiencing any heart palpitations just yet. Surely, that must count for something.
SAM: I mean, I wouldn't say no????
SAM: I know it's probably weird for you, but this is like the opposite of a bi nightmare for me.
SAM: Okay, but when are we going to get together for actual tennis session?
you weren't gonna make them extra good for me to begin with? rude. look, i might not be like the other gays, but i'm still gay. i know how to take a dick pic without it looking like a wet rat. my "social life" is just fine. really? ...where are they?
if she works in the model industry i'm guessing she probably was. they like the skin and bones look. personally, i like muscles. you know, like a sane person with eyes would. he's on the blue jays, apparently, yeah. guess i never noticed - i'm more of a reds guy.
To be fair, I don't know if I can make them better. I think they're good, but that's why I need another eye. Are you saying gay guys can't take bad dick pics? 'Cause I've been on Grindr and I've totally seen bad ones before. Okay, that's a valid question 'cause I know our time kinda sucks, but I swear we're kicking ass this year.
They really do, but I don't think I want to go that route. I like my abulous abs the way they are.
Hey guys, Violet here. Just wanted to air some grievances about some kids around my campus who clearly are still sore that they were not successful in their VA auditions. I know rejections sucks, but I'm not sure how shoulder-checking me in the hall and muttering 'show choir nepo baby scum' as they go past is going to make the offers that went out any different. Kind of not awesome for me personally.
But, regardless of that, I am excited to get to know all of you guys from the other teams!
Woah, seriously? I can't say I'm not entirely surprised from how intense VA is, but I can imagine. You're just going to have to show them you deserved your spot in the choir. I'm Sam, by the way. Nice to meet you, Violet, I'm in New Directions.
Okay, the time has come for everyone to boycott Scandals. #scandalsisoverparty.
Yep, you heard me. I'm just as shocked as you are, but I have been wronged so deeply that I don't see any other option. What was meant to be a fun, harmless early Halloween themed night turned into a living hell.
Let me set the scene. I show up, I walk to the bar, I stand around looking coy & seductive until an old man offers to buy me a drink. Nothing out of the ordinary. And then it happens. The last few notes of Espresso fade out and fucking Ed Sheeran begins to play. Excuse you?! Ed Sheeran? At a gay bar? Is that meant to be the Halloween frights? I let it slide at first because maybe this DJ hit the wrong track on that Spotify playlist they call a DJ set, but then the next song starts. Mr Brightside. After that Uptown Funk. And that was my last straw. It was truly sickening.
So, until Scandals can get someone with taste, I think we should all boycott.
Side note; all of this is happening while I'm dressed as Lust For Life era Lana, a costume which no one seemed to recognise.
Dude, what's wrong with Ed Sheeran? What's wrong with Mr. Brightside? Uptown Funk is overplayed by now, but I don't know if I'd call listening to it a living hell. I wasn't going anyways, so I guess I can at least still keep not going. Shameless plug though, I think the DJ at Stallionz is definitely better. But if you go to Scandals to dance, you can't really do it at Stallionz unless you're on stage and willing to bare all.
Also, honestly, I think the only Lana look I'd recognize is the Our Lady of Sorrows look she did for the Met Gala.
"They are acting out for 13 years the possibility of going back to that hotel room to find again that beautiful moment of burgeoning desires and innocence. And at the same time, to feel at ease with one another, the way they were there. So, throughout the entire arc, that’s what they’re trying to do. And finally, with the rivalry at that heightened level, the triangle finally found itself sitting in the same place, but now on the court. I needed to get this very, very visually amped up and really immersed for the audience to understand how much it meant for them not to win over the other, but to be back together, all of them.”
If not country, there's always the blues, too, I guess. And funk. And ... pretty much any emotionally charged ballad. I'm going to have to have a quick browse through my Spotify and compile a shortlist beforehand. In an ideal world, Callbacks would have cronuts, but alas. A guy can dream. This just sucks, man. Like, I really don't want to take any of this personally but it feels kind of personal.
Have you ever had a grown man give you the stink eye? Now add the local home goods store as your location. I know you like him and all but I feel like even he's taking all of this competition stuff a little too seriously.
Exactly, Blaine! See, I knew you could find something to work with. Sometimes you really do just have to belt things out. I learned that from Rachel every week. I will do my very best to get some to you, man. I can't guarantee they'll be Manhattan level of delicious, but it's the thought that counts, right? I know, but remember, parasocial relationships are toxic and bad.
Dude, of course I have. Huh, okay, that's not super terrible, but I'll talk to him. Definitely, but he's not the only one. I feel like it's not as bad as last year though? At least?
TINA: i've never felt like a side-eye emoji is more necessary than in this moment.
TINA: only one way to find out. 👀
TINA: i feel like that makes a lot of sense.
TINA: must be nice. i haven't seen it, so i wouldn't know what that's like. but must be nice.
TINA: give what a shot, sam? tennis? or the kissing thing? 👀
SAM: 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀
SAM: Tina's right. We gotta. For science.
SAM: YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO LET US LIVE THIS DOWN, ARE YOU??????
SAM: TENNIS BUT ! That too. It's not going to be weird though, right??
BLAINE: Guys. GUYS! I do NOT have a problem. It's... a comfort. Like a warm hug! Or.. watching all Star Wars movies in chronological order!
BLAINE: Is a threeway kiss even theoretically possible? 🤔
BLAINE: I guess this is the part where I confess I actually used to play quite some tennis back in middle school 😅
BLAINE: That billboard's still living in my head rent free.
SAM: SOUNDS FAKE, BLAINE.
SAM: Honestly sounds like something Brett would say and we all know he DEFINITELY has a problem.
SAM: Yes??? I feel like it's super messy, but doable?? 🤔
SAM: I haven't, but I'm down to give it a shot simply for the bit.
SAM: Mine too. It doesn't beat being on the side of a bus though tbh.
TINA: we're just looking out for you, blaine.
TINA: maybe you're just telling me to rub it in my face, SAM! you could be mad that i'm not caught up on hotd or something, i don't know.
TINA: challengers? like, the threesome movie? 👀
TINA: ...you've never seen star wars?
TINA: i like the challengers one, though. i bet you guys would look good in little tennis shorts.
TINA: plus it'd be pretty funny if we threeway kissed lol jk
SAM: yeah, blaine. the first step is admitting you have a problem.
SAM: I WOULD NEVER... but I MEAN... you better watch it at least before we go. OR ELSE WE WILL LEAVE YOU. I'm joking.
SAM: YEAH 👀👀👀🎾🎾🎾🎾🎾
SAM: TINA, I'M GOING TO PRETEND YOU DIDN'T ASK THAT. Because like OBVIOUSLY, but we gotta do something we've never done before.
SAM: WE WOULD and I wouldn't even have to buy any.
SAM: You said lol jk BUT I DON'T THINK YOU MEANT LOL JK, TINA.
burgers? i'd be down. the thirst traps are enough of a thank you tbh, but i won't fight you over a free meal. return the favor like... critique my own pics? i don't really post much, most of mine are just sent over text, and they're not exactly the safe for work kind, my guy. but, if you really want one that bad, you can just ask. one of, huh? who are you saying is better than me?
you sure she wasn't just messing with you? wait, are you telling me you've met more than one person with that name?
Hell yeah, man. If you say so, now I feel like I gotta make them extra good. Dude, they better not be just basic dick pics. If they are, I might not ever recover. I will also definitely worry over your social life. Hey, a team is a team for a reason. I think we have a lot of great players.
Who knows, I feel like she wasn't, but then if she was I have to wonder if she was serious about me losing ten pounds too. Not like in a name, but I'm pretty sure I've heard Santana say bitchette like a mini one. I think there's also a baseball player who has that for a last name.
BLAINE: Speaking of other usses… We need to talk about Halloween 🎃🕷️🪩👀
TINA: yeah, blaine, i have to agree with sam on this one. i think maybe it was a sign that you need to cut back, bud.
TINA: another trip without me? 🤨
TINA: i wonder if the chick you would have gotten an invite...
TINA: which superhero characters are you guys planning on being this time?
SAM: HELL YEAH! 🎃🍬🧛👻
SAM: Seriously, dude. Surprise, this is actually your intervention.
SAM: OBVIOUSLY NOT IF WE'RE TELLING YOU BEFORE TINA! We're going to take #BLAMTINA on the road.
SAM: NONE. We're switching it up. What do you think of CHALLENGERS #BLAMTINA? OR maybe even Interview with a Vampire #BLAMTINA? OR 🤔🤔🤔 Actually I can't think of anymore two dudes one girl costumes that's not from an anime...
Maybe. Not even Stallionz? You'd think those guys would kill a routine on that beat at least despite the lyrics. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if it ended up being heavily lip synced on RuPaul's Drag Race. I have been venturing out of my usual pop bubble and trying out some more indie songs. Though, still not a lot of country music. I'm sorry to disappoint. It's probably a good thing all the good cronuts reside in Manhattan. A trip to Callbacks sounds just like what the doctor ordered!
I don't know how proud a teacher can be of a student from another glee club, especially when my last run in with him was far from pleasant, but — I get what you're saying. Making an assignment out of real life situations is as beneficial to our singing as it is cathartic.
Not even Stallionz, Blaine. I'm sure they might eventually just for kicks, but there's been such good other music that it's like why bother? Oh no, definitely will be. Dude, that's awesome! Hey, if anything, there's absolutely a country song out there that could put into words how your feeling. A lot of them are super sad. We're going to have to go again soon, but yeah, for now I think we can settle for Callbacks.
Oh no, what happened? Do I have to rethink having him on my hero list? Yeah, it's honestly the best part of my week hands down.
BLAINE: I could go for a milkshake 🙋🏻♂️
BLAINE: Also, Sam is right. Priorities 😤
BLAINE: If there IS a multi-verse, which, let’s be honest, there probably is (I mean.. why wouldn’t there be?) then there is certainly more than two of me around, even. But then also… does that mean that other me found a loophole somehow? Did I mess up the entire time and space continuum by crossing my own path?
BLAINE: Most importantly.. am I still wearing bow ties? 🫨
BLAINE: It’s times like these that practically beg for a double shot.
BLAINE: And before you say anything: I know, okay? I drink too much coffee.
BLAINE: It’s a lifestyle ✋
TINA: it's new, but that doesn't mean it hasn't started yet, mr. billboard model.
TINA: what other sorrows AREN'T there, sam? [...]
TINA: okay, that was a little dramatic. but still, i think milkshakes are a good idea.
TINA: maybe the other one is straight.
SAM: Milkshakes it is then !!!!
SAM: Dude... I mean, that's usually what happens so yes?? Unless it's actually a past or future you come back to give you the wrong coffee order for nefarious means??
SAM: Or maybe as a warning that you need to CUT BACK ON THAT DOUBLE SHOT LIFESTYLE.
SAM: LISTEN, TINA. We can plan another New York trip sOON OKAY!
SAM: I mean, just a little, but you know we're here for you, T if you want to talk about them when we meet up for milkshakes !!
SAM: A straight Blaine??? Can you imagine? I wonder if there's a chick me out there somewhere...
BLAINE: Well, if that isn’t a big mood 🫠
BLAINE: All I can think about is those poor dragons. Plural! 🙇🏻♂️
BLAINE: I guess I must have done but it says Blaine on my cup so somebody else must be the culprit.
BLAINE: It’s too sweet.
BLAINE: This isn’t coffee.
BLAINE: All I wanted was a medium drip. Is that so much to ask?
TINA: hey! no spoilers! i haven't had a chance to watch yet, i've been tucked away in my study cave.
TINA: i agree with sam, though, i think we should go out for sorrow-drowning milkshakes. hotd related sorrows... and otherwise.
TINA: maybe there's more than one blaine out there.
TINA: wouldn't that be something?
SAM: TINA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the school year is still new WHY ARE YOU STUDYING if anything you should be studying DRAGONS !
SAM: AND YES, LETS GO! also wait, what other sorrows are there??
SAM: dude, what if??? TWO BLAINES! i mean, to be fair, there's probably another blaine out there in the multi-verse somewhere. 🤔
