I’m in bed but I was thinking about a conversation I had last week and how we talk about doing the work on ourselves. About healing. How we talk about childhood experiences and traumas
And this person was telling me how nothing bad or traumatic happened to them during childhood, so they don’t feel like there’s anything to work on. And it made me think, we tend to associate healing with something dramatic. Big events. Clear trauma. Obvious wounds
But childhood doesn’t only shape us through what went wrong. It shapes us through what was normalized. I also want to throw in how big simple experiences and situations are for children, that as adults we see as no big deal at all. I see this a lot with people I know who have children, and notice how they take things we find minuscule very seriously
You don’t need a chaotic story to have patterns. You don’t need abuse to have blind spots. Sometimes it’s not about what happened to you but about what you learned something was. What you learned conflict looked like. How emotions were handled in your house. What was praised. What was ignored. What felt safe. What didn’t
And sometimes the “work” isn’t about repairing damage. It’s about becoming conscious
Because even a “good” childhood still installs beliefs. About money. About worth. About how much space you’re allowed to take up. About whether your needs are inconvenient or welcome. Healing isn’t only for the broken version of you. It’s for the unconscious version
So maybe the real question isn’t if something bad happened to us but what did we internalize without realizing it
Just like I remember a conversation with someone who has never even been in a relationship… but has a lot of triggers around relationships
That’s really what made me think about the more recent conversation all together. Because you don’t have to experience something directly for it to shape you. You can absorb it. From your parents. From watching other people’s dynamics. From what was modeled. From what wasn’t modeled
If you grew up watching love feel unstable, distant, emotionally unavailable etc your nervous system still learned something. Even if no one ever hurt you “personally.” Even if you’ve never dated
You can fear abandonment without ever being abandoned by a partner. You can fear intimacy without ever having experienced it. You can have triggers around commitment without ever committing
Because what you’re reacting to isn’t the relationship. It’s the blueprint. And sometimes the work isn’t about unpacking trauma. But asking yourself where you learned something. Especially if you’re not liking the results you’re getting
For me personally, I keep it simple. My baseline is: am I happy? Am I actually getting what I want?
Not what sounds good on paper. Not what looks mature. Not what I’ve learned to tolerate. But what I genuinely want
Because at some point, all the inner work, the childhood conversations, the awareness, it has to translate into real life.
Am I choosing relationships that feel safe?
Am I building a life that feels aligned?
Am I shrinking or expanding?
I don’t overcomplicate it
If I’m constantly triggered, constantly justifying, constantly explaining why something “isn’t that bad” “I turned out fine” “this is good enough” then that’s information. And if I feel clear and at peace, that’s information too
The work matters. Awareness matters. But at the end of the day, I just ask myself if it is making me happy & all that or if I’m repeating something I learned a long time ago
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