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dry house, wet clothes

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃 dry house, wet clothes

pairing. johnny suh x afab!reader x jeong jaehyun genre. angst, fluff, eventual smut, slow burn (for jaehyun), friends to lovers (for johnny) warnings. swearing, mentions of drinking, kissing, smut tags will be added when it applies. big miscommunication trope, it is what it is. it’s so much angst i’m so sorry word count. 9,721

plot. the four of you have spent years building the world around you, your friendship, your weekends together hidden in jaehyun’s loft. you, mark, johnny and jaehyun. shaking the foundation of that by being in love with your best friend, jaehyun, is a risk you’ve never been confident enough to take. but, johnny suh is confident and johnny suh has been known to shake the world around you.

other’s mentioned. slight himbo mark lee <3, various other nct members (eventually)

author’s note. it’s taken me two years to write this. this is only part one/chapter one, so hold tight for updates! hopefully i’ll be able to post every monday, but we’ll see! enjoy part one :)

taglist (open). @xiaojunsdino

playlist. here !

You woke up to the sound of rain on the roof from above and, from the corner of the room, soft music coming out like a whisper from a forgotten speaker. You were tangled in him and him and him. One arm looped in his, your head resting on his shoulder, his head on your stomach; three sets of staggered snores mingling, mixing with the tap tap tap of raindrops, the guitars and synths and drums of the music to create a familiar symphony.

A fall morning in the loft.

The glass panes of the roof, the ones installed three summers before, swept the raindrops away and down off the side of the house. They found the glass of the windows there, slipping, slipping, slipping to continue their descent to the gutter, then the ground. You watched, idle hands in his hair, tangled in a mess of loose curls.

The music hiccuped, a new song began. You blinked, eyes still too bleary, mind still in a state close to sleep, close to numb. He didn’t move, neither did he or he. Save for the rain and your fingertips, everything remained still. It was your most cherished time; not silence, but comfortable and quiet chaos amongst them.

The world wouldn’t move if you didn’t, you’d convinced yourself, if they didn’t.

So, you would stay still until his shoulder shifted beneath your heavy head. Until he’d grumbled something, in a voice laced with sleep and worn from the night before, about the weight. He didn’t actually mind, and he would never tell you, but he found nights when your head didn’t keep his shoulder in place to be restless.

You wouldn’t budge until he flexed his hand, let the stretch of his fingers move up to his forearm, his bicep, his shoulder to pull away from you. He always worried he got too close, always worried he’d taken up too much of your space. Any space you sacrificed was worth seeing his sleepy smile when he said, “Good morning.”

You would hold your breath, control it and calm it and monitor every yawn, until he lifted his head without opening his eyes and smiled, broad and brilliant. Only then would you stretch your aching bones and wake yourself fully.

This stage, this limbo in the rain and the early morning light that tried to break through it, was too precious to surrender.

You counted the seconds between snores, hummed lightly to the music and recounted the evening before; the bottles, the unbridled laughter, more bottles and the stars. Always the stars, always above you, always shining.

The memories of the night mixed and warped with your dreams, in your willfully sleepy state it was too hard to discern between the two. Counting stars: memory. Running, running, running: dream. His fingertips tracing constellations into the skin of your arm: memory. No, dream.

You looked at him, soft and snoring in a pile of blankets, pillows and limbs intertwining. He moved first, one by one his fingers let go of yours and stretched as wide as possible. He rolled his wrist and pulled his fingers back into a fist, letting them crack. As soon as he had let go, his fingers slipped back between yours and held tight, as they had all night. He unraveled every part of his body still holding onto you, a sigh leaving his lips when he was done.

You didn’t know if he knew you were looking, awake and waiting, but he took his time.

You let him.

When he opened his eyes, the very last step in his stirring, he saw you. Your faces had inched closer together in the night, and after you’d both turned your heads there was little space left. He didn’t flinch even the slightest, only blinked and mumbled, “Am I crowding you?”

You squeezed his hand, “You’re not.”

Jaehyun smiled, scooting back a bit anyway but not letting go; never letting go, “Good morning.”

You didn’t say it back, you didn’t have the chance to. He wiggled his shoulder underneath your head while his feet pushed the blankets covering him from his body. Johnny groaned through a yawn, “I can’t feel my arm.”

“Good.” You laughed.

“Good.” He mocked, lifting up your head and rolling out from under you. He sat up, arms stretched out wide, up and up and up towards the slipping raindrops and back down. Rolling his head back once, twice, he looked at you, “Good morning.”

“Good morning, everyone.” He lifted his head, a lazy grin warming the determined gloom of the morning. He rested his chin on your stomach, patting his fingers lazily on the sliver of exposed skin there, “How’d you sleep?”

You grinned back, ruffling his hair. He was the youngest of the four of you and it showed, especially in the morning when his face was swollen and round, “Just fine. How about you, Mark?”

Mark’s answer came out more like a grunt as he rolled over away from you and stretched, “I could have used a pillow. Johnny took all of them.”

“I had two of them.” Johnny disagreed, “Jaehyun had one under his feet.”

“Because I was half on the mattress and half on the floor.” Jaehyun laughed. His thumb rubbed circles on the back of your hand, the other arm flopped over his eyes like the conversation had already worn him out enough to sleep again, “What time is it?.”

“I don’t know where my phone is.” You grumbled, writhing and wriggling your bones awake, now that Mark wasn’t resting on you. You squeezed Jaehyun’s hand before letting go, pushing yourself to sit up.

Jaehyun lifted his arm, only briefly, to look at you. His hand suddenly felt cold, felt empty, felt like the morning that greeted the four of you. He covered his eyes once more, flexing his fingers again before putting his newly free hand over his heart.

“Your stomach grumbles a lot when you sleep. Did you know that?” Mark poked at your stomach, a sleepy but content grin on his face. You smacked his hand away, he yawned, “Does mine do that?”

His yawn was contagious, but you answered through your own, “I don’t know, Mark. We’ll switch spots next time and I’ll find out.”

“Absolutely not.” Johnny chided, “Mark’s head is bigger than yours.”

“Then we’ll rotate.”

“Why would we rotate?”

You tilted your head, “Why wouldn’t we rotate?”

“I don’t want his drool on me.”

Mark grumbled, slipping on his sweatshirt, “I don’t drool.”

“He doesn’t drool.”

Johnny said, “Of course he drools.”

Mark nudged you, “I don’t drool, do I?”

“Not on me.” You assured him.

Jaehyun sighed, loudly and exaggerated and cutting off your temporary tiff with Johnny, “I still don’t know what time it is, but I know it’s too early for this.”

Johnny stood up first, picking up his phone and the speaker. He didn’t make any changes to the music - soft, melancholy but in a way that felt comfortable- he only brought the speaker closer, to the edge of the large mattress in the middle of the floor, “It’s nine o’clock.”

“I have to get home.” Mark yawned.

Johnny pocketed his phone, “Me too. Are we doing something later?”

He waited for an answer that was inevitable. A nod from Jaehyun, a noncommittal shrug from Mark, a thumbs up from you. All three came in a ripple, which was enough for Johnny to stand up again and gather his things. Mark followed, the two of them scuffling around the mess, the mattress, each other. Jaehyun scooted until he was fully on the mattress and you wondered, as you always did, why he always sacrificed his comfort in his own home.

“Mark, text me when you get home.” You raised your hand to cup around your mouth, calling out over the thundering rain booming through the open door. Mark was halfway out the door, but he nodded. Johnny waited and waited and expectantly waited, “You too, John.”

Then they were gone; backpack and a jacket over their heads, boisterous and bouncing down the stairs of the loft, scampering down the street. Not slipping like the raindrops, but stomping through the puddles. You watched them as long as you could, as long as they were in your line of sight from the mattress, not ready to move yet. It took a moment, but a layer of fog took over the window and their usually towering bodies turned into specks. You looked away, then. Looked at Jaehyun, looked at the mess. You flopped back down on the mattress, a quiet huff of air slipping past your lips.

The rain came down; it didn’t break, it didn’t offer the morning a chance to breathe.

You could feel Jaehyun next to you, his shoulder just barely touching yours. The silence that didn’t dare interrupt your symphony finally crept in, the rain persisted, but the music and the snoring were long gone. Still, neither one of you moved. It was you and it was Jaehyun and it was your mixed breathing and the rain.

“Jae.”

“Hm.” He hummed, arm lifting once more to peek at you. The way your eyes were shut, the way your face twisted in loops and loops of thought - only some of which you’d ever say out loud. He watched you, he watched the rain on the window behind you, he watched the breath you took in and then he urged, “What is it?”

Your head turned, eyes opening to meet him how you had when he woke up, “Hand.”

Neither one of you had to reach far, neither one of you hesitated. Jaehyun waited, patiently, for whatever you had to say, whatever willed your lips to move and say his name. You watched him, thoughtful and quiet, trying to remember if the touch you felt was based on reality or a dream. You begged your own mind to remember if the slight burning on your arm, the comfortable fire beneath your skin, was from Jaehyun tracing Orion, Draco, Andromeda, Cygnus as you fell asleep.

After a while, you shook your head and looked skyward - back to the rain, “You’re my best friend.”

He nodded, repeated your actions and words, “You’re my best friend.”

“Do you ever feel nostalgic for the times that it was just the two of us up here?” You laughed, squeezing his hand. He’d take it as a joke and you meant it as a joke. Even having known a life before, you could not and did not want to imagine one without Johnny and Mark. So much of who the four of you were was rooted in each other, your coexistence. Still, you sighed, “Do you ever miss it?”

Jaehyun took a moment. He replied, “It’s just the two of us right now. There’s always time for that, always will be. So, no. But, the mattress did seem bigger, then.”

You laughed. He loved the sound, so he laughed too.

Like the sun was waiting for that cue, that sound to latch on to and pull itself through the clouds, it shone. Bright, much brighter than the stars, and filling the room for as long as the break in clouds would allow. A brief intermission of light.

You both watched the beams of sunlight; how they kissed the walls, the floorboards. You both thought about those times, the memories that seemed like a lifetime ago; the loft in its infancy, the loft on your tenth birthday and his eleventh and your twelfth. Jaehyun’s dad putting up a tent in the middle of the room on nights when weather conditions were poor and you both were so determined; persistent like the rain. You thought of reading, strewn across the mattress stealing glances at Jaehyun while he played a melody on the keyboard in the corner. He thought of the same melody, any melody, every melody; how you’d hum along to the ones you knew, ask him about the ones you didn’t, move to the music either way.

You both thought. It was easier to just think, to remember. You were too tired, still, to move and make new memories. A quiet moment was just as nice, between the two of you.

“I think I’m still tired.” You told him.

He said, “You were stirring a lot.”

“I’m sorry, Jae.”

“You don’t need to be.” He reached over his head, to the spot where Johnny’s head had been resting on two pillows and grabbed for them both. Jaehyun put one under his head, offering the other to you, “Go back to sleep for a while. We’ve got time.”

So, you did. Your fingers wrapped around the pillow, but you dropped it behind you - a safety net if you rolled away - and scooted closer to Jaehyun. He breathed out a laugh, looping his arm around you and holding onto your waist. One of your hands wrapped around his waist, fingers stroking his side lazily and the other held your own heart, willing it to beat softer, slower, inconspicuously. With his free hand, he pulled a blanket over the two of you. Jaehyun didn’t lift his hand, only started tracing patterns into your skin; Orion, Draco, Andromeda, Cygnus. Constellations: memory.

“The stars aren’t out.” You mumbled, already drifting.

Jaehyun pressed a kiss to your forehead, “Sleep.”

He held his lips there, unmoving but gently resting. You could feel every small twitch, every breath. The tips of his fingers brushed your skin again, lazy strokes that ignited a calm, comfortable fire just below. Your body shuddered and you hoped Jaehyun didn’t notice. He wouldn’t say it, if he did. The hand on your heart clenched, tensed, grasped for a gentler beat. It didn’t come, it wouldn’t let up.

You fell asleep hearing two hearts beating, loudly, against the chests that held them; yours and Jaehyun’s.

📻

When you woke up for the second time, two things were missing: the rain and Jaehyun.

The sun wasn’t as gentle as the rain had been, waking you up; it was almost violent the way it pried at your eyes, relentless warmth and brightness filling the now silent room. You rustled the blankets Jaehyun had piled on you, pulling yourself up to sit, desperate for any sound. The mess from the night had been tidied, swept away. You swept away the rest of the sleep from your eyes and let out a breath.

You could still feel his kiss on your forehead. It was something so common, so standard for Jaehyun to kiss that exact spot, or your temple, or the top of your head. You’d do the same to him; his cheeks, his nose, pulling him down or standing on your toes to reach the rest. Today, it was another spot on your flesh that burned and burned and burned.

You stood, picking your phone up from the ground just to the right of the mattress. Every inch of your body resisted movement, it fought against you as you stretched upwards, outwards.

The door to the loft opened, “I brought you coffee.”

You looked at him, over your shoulder with a smile he might always adore. Meeting him halfway, you took your drink from him and mumbled, “Thank you.”

“They want to go to a movie later.” Jaehyun told you, “Johnny said something scary.”

Nodding, you took a sip, “How does Mark feel about that?”

Jaehyun only pulled a face; a wince.

You snorted, “What time?”

Jaehyun shrugged, you nodded a second time. Silence filled the room again; a moment to breathe, to let the breeze from the open door cool your forehead, your arms, your mind. You wanted to stand in silence in the autumn air, eyes closed, arms out, just breathing.

You wanted to ask Jaehyun if he felt it too. You’d never had a reason to hide something from him, you’d never been anything but honest with each other. You looked up at him, he looked anywhere but directly at you; sipping, sipping, sipping and breathing. Even if you had the courage, how could you ask him so outright?

You’re my best friend. You always reminded him and he wasn’t the one who needed reminding. You’re my best friend and every time you touch me, I fall apart.

You’re my best friend and every time you look at me all I can think about is your lips, your hands, your - Breathe. You had to breathe. Do you feel it, too?

Gathering your things, sipping your coffee, you said nothing. Jaehyun said nothing, but stood and watched. He stayed silent and you stayed silent. Then you were heading towards the door.

You decided to read him, you’d always been good at that and words were lost, so lost. So, you mumbled a quick goodbye, something about errands, something about seeing him later. With your hand on the doorknob, ready to swing it closed, you turned.

“Jae?” He looked up, smiling - he always smiled like that, “Hand.”

There were only a few steps between you, he overtook that space easily, quickly. Jaehyun laced his fingers with yours, squeezing your hand in his and watching you. Stepping towards him, you swallowed - it had to sound like a gulp, deep and panicked and caught in your throat. You didn’t look up at him, just at your hands, until you raised your head and kissed him. Just the corner of his lips, where they were upturned still, in a smile. A comfortable place between cheek and lips that would surely throw him, if he felt anything like you did.

A peck, a second of contact, felt like an eternity.

You pulled back, watching and waiting for him to do anything, to say anything, to falter and show that he felt anything.

Jaehyun squeezed your hand again: same grin, same grin, same simple, unfaltering grin. He let go and said, “Get home safe. I’ll see you later.”

You nodded, composure surprising you, mind racing. Still, you smiled, mirroring him and letting go of his hand to ruffle his hair, “I’ll see you later, Jae.”

Then you left.

You left, so you didn’t feel how his hands, his body, his heart tensed, then released, shaking. You left so you didn’t see how his face, ears and chest turned red, how he managed to keep it at bay until you’d closed the door. You left, so you didn’t see Jaehyun run his fingers through his hair, pacing and pacing and pacing around the loft, breathing in huffs because he was feeling something that he thought he shouldn’t. You left, so you didn’t hear him curse and groan and yell into his fist until he was hoarse. You left, so you missed all the signs you needed, his hand gently on the corner of his lips, because he was burning.

He willed himself to blame the coffee for the warmth he felt in his hands, in his chest, from his head to his toes. He didn’t want to think about how it was you that caused it. Jaehyun wouldn’t think or say that you were the source of every last bit of warmth he felt, since he met you. He would just sit, for the hours that stretched on and on until he saw you again, and think about how you’d say, “You’re my best friend.”

📻

When you stepped out of your house, next, the sun was setting. Most days, you’d considered the loss of daylight a curse, hating how early the sun went away in the colder months. Today, the sunset was stunning enough to make you forget. Streaks of vibrant orange chased at the softened blue of the day, hurrying it away and tucking the sun in for the night. For a moment, you stood on your doorstep in complete awe.

The vibrant sunset almost felt like an apology for the gloomy morning.

“There you are.” Your heart and stomach switched places for a second, his voice pulling you out of your trance, “Can I walk you?”

Johnny was at your gate, hands in his pockets. He smiled at you, as he always did, like he was moments away from teasing you. You let out a rush of air you’d gasped in and trapped in your lungs, “That was fucking horrifying, Johnny.”

He countered, “Pay more attention.”

“You were hidden.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Did you walk all the way here? From your house?”

“I took a bus.”

“You could’ve texted me.”

“It’s less romantic that way.”

Your eyebrow raised, “You’re trying to be romantic?”

“Not if you keep looking at me like that.” Something like shock, something like confusion. Definitely not the look he wanted to see on someone’s face when he was flirting. Johnny adjusted the beanie on his head, “You want to know something?”

You laughed, “Are you going to tell me even if I say no?”

He took a moment, looking at you but not speaking. So, you took a moment and did the same. It didn’t take long, in the suspended silence, for you to see Johnny was being serious. You’d blame not noticing sooner on the initial jump scare of his presence. Johnny shook his head, laughing and sighing; exaggerated and maybe uncomfortable.

“I think….” He looked up from his feet. He’d only glanced at them for a second, but he wanted to look at you when he said, “I think I like you.”

You didn’t know how to respond. Silence felt entirely wrong, but words were lost. After a while, you asked, “You think?”

Johnny shook his head, the simple action shook away any lingering nerves. He’d made it over the biggest hurdle; telling you. Johnny started to walk down the road, waiting for you to follow and calling over his shoulder, “No, I know I do.”

“You know you like me?” You’d scrambled to fall into stride with him, “Since when?”

He breathed, looking up at the sky, “A while. At least six months.”

“Why tell me now?”

“Two reasons.” Johnny held up two fingers, like you needed a visual representation. The reality was you needed him to slow down; his steps, his confession. Either would do, “The first being that I want you to sit by me at the movie. Second…I don’t know. It just felt right.”

He suddenly came to a halt, your reaction time was delayed, but you followed him and stood still. Johnny grabbed your shoulders and turned you, gently, to look at him. He waited and then leaned down, face inches away and his eyes set on yours. You blinked, but didn’t move. It didn’t feel entirely strange to be this close to him, but it felt sudden. Johnny let out a quiet ‘hm’ and set his lips into a certain frown.

You asked him, “What?”

He told you, “You’re reacting exactly how I thought you would and I thought if you reacted like that, I might…change my mind about it.”

“Johnny.” He said it so simply you almost missed that it was borderline rude. Shoving at his shoulder, you clicked your tongue, “How else am I supposed to react?”

“Not a clue.” He started walking, again. This push and pull, walk and stop was getting tiring. You hadn’t moved yet and he called over his shoulder, “Walk. We’re going to be late.”

“Six months?”

“About that, yeah.”

“You thought you were going to change your mind about it?”

He shrugged, “I could have. I didn’t really try, though. Didn’t want to.”

“So…” Finally, you had fallen back into step with him, the sun was tucked away for the night and the streets you wove through were lit up by towering lamps, porch lights and dimmed beams through open windows, “What do you want from this?”

Johnny looked at you, smiling, “Just sit by me at the movie. We’ll see how that goes.”

You couldn’t stop yourself from asking, clearing your throat, “Do…do Mark and Jaehyun know?”

“Yeah.” Johnny nodded, stepping over a lingering puddle that you plowed through, “Jaehyun told me not to tell you, Mark said I should.”

You almost choked, eyes wide and mouth suddenly dry. If Johnny looked at you, for the split second it took you to wipe your initial reaction off your face, you would have given yourself away. You rearranged your features into an expression you hoped conveyed shock mixed with anger. Maybe you were a bit angry, “Why did Jaehyun say that?”

Your taller friend let out a long sigh, turning a corner and fixing his gaze upward. Once more, his shoulders lifted in a shrug. Johnny did that a lot, but not once had you seen him move, speak or react with any genuine uncertainty. Even when he was shrugging he was confident and sure. It was hard not to think of the morning, when he said that. It was hard not to think of the corner-of-the-lips kiss, the unchanging expression, how you’d never felt like telling Jaehyun was just right.

Johnny being so assured was almost insulting, but also admirable.

“He said something about ruining the dynamic. He could be right.”

You didn’t say anything, again, your mind trapping you in a cycle. You wanted, so much, to be able to respond in a sensible, constructed way. You turned another corner, face twisted in thought with Johnny humming and paying no mind by your side. The theatre was up ahead, Jaehyun and Mark waiting for the two of you outside. Jaehyun and Mark not expecting the two of you to come together. Jaehyun and Mark facing opposite directions for that very reason; logically Johnny would’ve come from the opposite direction where Mark was stationed.

Jaehyun saw you first, swallowing hard.

He nudged Mark, “They’re over here.”

Mark asked, turning on his heel, “They?”

Jaehyun only nodded his head towards the two of you, mixing in and out of the crowd on the street, expression unreadable from such a distance. Johnny, however, could read it just fine, right next to you. He laughed, his head tilting down to get your attention, “Don’t think too hard about it.”

You looked at Johnny and said, “Okay.”

“Okay what?” He laughed.

Your feet came to a stop in the middle of the road. Johnny followed, waiting more patiently than you knew him to be. His expression had completely changed from the last time you saw him. This morning, Johnny had been waiting, mocking, like he expected you to say something. Now, Johnny was waiting, serious but calm and comfortable, like he wanted you to say what you needed to.

“I’ll sit next to you during the movie.”

“Good.” He offered you his hand, “Come on, let’s go.”

You took it, the feeling worlds away from Jaehyun’s. Holding Johnny’s hand, however, wasn’t uncomfortable, it wasn’t unpleasant. It was also definitely not on fire. He pulled you through the crowd, looking over heads until he saw Jaehyun and Mark. Johnny was leading you to them and only chuckled a bit when you dropped his hand, greeting your other friends.

“You guys came together?” Mark said, closer to a confirmation than a question.

Johnny made a face, his mocking face that almost seemed like a default for him, “She didn’t want to walk alone.”

“You could’ve called me.” Jaehyun spoke up, never looking away from you. He cleared his throat and quickly justified, “I live closer than Johnny.”

You looked at Jaehyun; how his fists clenched then released, how it was a perfectly reasonable justification, how he kept his face unreadable. For the first time, it felt like he was keeping something from you. You blinked but you laughed it off and shoved at Johnny like the twenty minute walk had been normal, like everything was normal.

“I didn’t call him. He just showed up on my doorstep.”

Mark laughed with you, “Yeah, that seems more accurate”

And then the topic dropped, Mark pulled you into the theatre and Jaehyun and Johnny followed behind. At one point, while buying snacks, you thought you heard Mark say to Jaehyun, “I think he told her.” But there was too much noise in the lobby and in your own head to hear Jaehyun’s response.

During the movie, you sat in between Mark and Johnny, with Jaehyun on Johnny's other side.

For the whole movie, you kept your hands in your lap, sometimes over your eyes, until a jump scare caught you off guard and you grabbed Johnny's hand. You tried to ignore the triumphant smile on his face, you tried to ignore the sound of your heart pounding because the hand you wanted to grab was one seat away. But, Jaehyun had his eyes forward whenever you took the risk of glancing at him and Johnny and Jaehyun, back to Johnny. Doing so for almost the entire movie had given you a headache.

Jaehyun was tense next to Johnny. Every time you looked at him, he held his breath and tried to look calm, normal, anything. He was blocking out the suggestion from Mark that Johnny had told you, but the movie wasn’t nearly good enough to distract him. Instead, he spent the majority of it watching you from his peripheral. Taking a sip of his drink and swallowing hard when he saw you grab Johnny’s hand. If Mark had been right, if Johnny had told you….he didn’t want to think about it. Jaehyun couldn’t let himself think about it.

It, of course, was all he could think about.

So, two sets of eyes bounced back and forth, just missing each other and searching for the same thing, until the movie ended and Mark said, “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”

Johnny walked you home. Jaehyun took a nonsensical route to avoid following the two of you, kicking rocks and cans and causing a ruckus in the otherwise quiet alleyways. Johnny joked and you laughed and he took your hand and you let him. When you were coming up to your house, you kept your eyes forward trying to twist and wind your vision down the streets to see if Jaehyun had made it home. At your doorstep, Johnny pulled you to a stop and grinned.

“What are you thinking?” He asked.

“I’m cold.”

Johnny slipped off his jacket and draped it over your shoulders. Underneath your layers you missed your heart doing the smallest of flutters, the simplest of flips, skipping the shortest beat. It went completely unnoticed. He squared his feet once more and asked, again, “Okay. Now how do you feel?”

It was funny enough, so you laughed enough, “About what?”

“Us.”

Us. Your mind circled around the word, every thought related to it swirling like a tornado. You scrunch your face a bit, looking sideways and down at the ground. Us was a simple enough word but, given the context, a dizzying concept. Us in relation to Johnny, up until three and a half hours ago, just meant friends. Friends who relentlessly tease and bully each other. Friends who flop down in a dog pile on a mattress together more frequently than they sleep in their own beds. Friends who get drunk and run screaming through the streets in the middle of the night. Friends who egg each other on until one breaks and the other one follows and they both do something reckless.

Us, in the way Johnny meant it, felt reckless.

You shrugged, letting out a sigh, “What does that even mean?”

Johnny laughed, eyes wrinkling at the corners, “Okay, fine. How do you feel about me?”

“About you?”

“Yes.”

“How do I feel about Johnny Suh?”

“That’s me.” He rocked on his heels, the action shockingly endearing. You’d seen this flip switch in him before; the one that amped up his charm. Being on the receiving end of it, however, was giving you whiplash. Johnny tacked on, “Or, more specifically, what I told you?””

You looked up at Johnny, who put absolutely no pressure on you to answer but still waited, in case you did. You asked him, quietly, “Can I sleep on it?”

He nodded. You knew if he didn’t have a beanie on his hair would have flopped into his eyes. You knew, given the energy and the circumstances, you might think it was adorable. So, when Johnny asked if he could kiss you, you said yes. And he did. It was soft, the way he cupped your face with one hand and pulled you nearer with the other. It was sweet, the way he bent his knees a bit to be more level. It was warm, when his lips met yours and moved, but only slightly. It was comfortable, when he pulled away and gave you that grin he was known for.

When Johnny breathed and stepped back, only a bit, he suggested, “If you think about it too long, I really might change my mind.”

You’d made a habit of shoving him tonight. It didn’t seem like this moment should be an exception, “Oh my God. Go home.”

Johnny stumbled back and laughed, hand on his chest. He watched you turn and open your gate, ignoring him when he urged, “And?”

You only turned to answer him when you were at your door, “And let me know when you get there.”

“Will do.” Johnny saluted, turning on his heel and wandering away, “Goodnight. Great kiss.”

You rolled your eyes and stepped inside. For a moment, you stood in the entryway quietly, pulling off your shoes and stepping into your slippers. You took out your phone, unlocking it and staring blankly at the screen. It was normal, it was instinct for you to text him. It was normal, it was instinct to make sure he’d made it back home. Your fingers still hesitated, hovering over his name; Jaehyun.

You typed, 10:12pm Did you make it back home?

It was only a minute before he replied, 10:13pm I did. Did you?

You told him, 10:13pm Yeah.

You wanted to type more. You wanted to call him. For the first time, you felt like you were hiding something as well. The evening had exhausted you with first time feelings. You gnawed on your lip, typing and deleting and hoping Jaehyun wasn’t watching his phone like you’d been. Hoping he wouldn’t see your un-Johnnylike indecision.

Finally, you asked him, 10:15pm How did you feel about the movie?

10:17pm I think we need to stop letting Johnny pick. He replied.

You laughed, letting out the breath you’d been holding. Wandering into the kitchen and without thinking, you tapped to call him. When he picked up, at the sound of his rustling sheets, you said, “It wasn’t that bad.”

“Not this time.” Jaehyun laughed. The sound of your voice put him at ease. He worked to convince himself you weren’t defending Johnny’s poor movie choices because Johnny had confessed and you’d accepted. But, it was the most prominent voice in his head until you spoke and drowned it out. Jaehyun continued, “But, Johnny also made us go see Boss Baby and I don’t know how you and Mark look past that.”

You laughed. God he really loved that sound. Your hands busied themselves with whatever was within reach in the kitchen; toying with the knives in the knife block, pulling open the fridge and shutting it, sitting through your junk drawer. Any sound to drown out how unsteady your breathing was. You had to tell him, you knew you did. But, maybe he was right and maybe Johnny was right. Maybe it would ruin the dynamic.

It slipped out, “Johnny told me he likes me, Jae.”

He wasn’t breathing anymore. Jaehyun wasn’t moving or breathing or reacting. He was laying in his bed wishing he could go back and stop you from telling him that. Jaehyun was sweating in the worst way, heart beating erratically against his chest. He’d never felt panic like this, not that he could remember. But, Jaehyun was having trouble remembering much of anything other than the last sentence you’d said. Because Johnny had confessed to you, and you….you….

“What did you say?” He asked, correcting himself once again with, “I mean to Johnny. What did you say to him?”

“That I needed to think about it.” It was true. That I needed to think about it because of you would have been more accurate, but simplicity might have been best. It was certainly easier.

“What do you think about it?” Jaehyun didn’t really want to know the answer. But, it seemed like the appropriate response. If you were telling him, maybe you were trying to work it out. Maybe, despite how it twisted his stomach into knots, you needed his help with Johnny. He asked another question hoping you’d forget the first one, “Is that why you sat by him during the movie?”

“Mm.” You didn’t know how else to respond. Your hands had stopped fidgeting, hanging limp at your sides and shaking. “I don’t know how I feel.”

You told Jaehyun because you made a promise to not hide things. You told Jaehyun because you were hoping for something even if you didn’t know exactly what. You told Jaehyun because it was easier than saying “I wish it had been you to confess. Or me.”

He made a noise of agreement on the other end of the phone call. Jaehyun really couldn’t bring himself to do much else. The only thing he wanted to say was how much he wished he had the confidence, the reckless and unbridled tenacity that Johnny did. Jaehyun wanted to say that it should’ve been him on your doorstep, walking you to the movie. Holding your hand, as he always did, but with an entirely new meaning; better, so much better.

Jaehyun reminded himself to breathe. He thought for a moment and then let out a laugh that he didn’t really mean to release. You not knowing could still be a silver lining and one he was willing to hold onto, no matter how desperate it was, “It’s okay to not know.”

You laughed too, uncomfortable and mostly to hide any detectable unsteadiness, “It just like…it came out of nowhere, right? He told me he told you and Mark. I just…I don’t know what to do about it.”

Then, Jaehyun said something he regretted immediately. In an attempt to be a supportive friend, with the hopes that you’d ultimately land on the only logical solution; that you and Johnny were wrong for each other and you and Jaehyun were right. Jaehyun told you, quietly and trying to sound encouraging, “Just go with what you feel. Do what feels right.”

“Oh.” You said. Your voice fell into a whisper. “Oh. Okay, right. That makes sense.”

Do what feels right. Johnny knew what felt right to him, Johnny was sure that you felt right and telling you was right. He made it look so easy.

Jaehyun continued his mission to say regretful things, “We’ll support you.”

“Right.” You needed him to stop talking. You needed his indifference and encouragement to stop or transform into something like longing, desperation. You’d take either one over whatever he was giving you, “I think…I’m going to go to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Of course.” His voice was quiet now, too. He knew, almost instantly, how much he’d messed up, “Sleep well.”

“You too.”

And then you hung up. You carried yourself up to your bed and draped your body across it, looking up at the ceiling and wishing you could see the stars. Jaehyun rolled over onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillows and wishing he could see your face. You swallowed every feeling and every thought, memorizing how each one tasted as it went down and wincing at the ones that came back up.

Johnny knew it was right. And maybe the fact that you hadn’t ever felt like it was right with Jaehyun was a bigger sign than you were willing to admit. Maybe you’d been chasing something foolish and fueled by your own imagination. You wanted to scream and cry and, most importantly, you wanted to know what right felt like.

It felt right to be near to Jaehyun, as near as possible. It felt right to hold his hand, to hug him, to fall asleep with each other and to put your lips to his cheek, his forehead, his nose. But, it never felt right to tell him exactly how right, how wonderful, how perfect it all felt.

Johnny knew it was right.

Hours later, after mulling over every thought, taking every possible route you could think of, you settled and started to drift off. It wouldn’t be terrible, being with Johnny. In some aspects, it might be better than being just his friend. You felt guilt, like it might be unfair to force yourself into this; unfair to you and to Johnny. To the entire group and the foundation you’d all spent years building. It might also be unfair to not try at all. There was only one clear reason why you shouldn’t, wouldn’t, almost couldn’t date Johnny and it began and ended with Jeong Jaehyun.

You weighed that thought against all the reasons it might be just fine, great even, being with Johnny.

Drifting off, your final thoughts convinced you; if Johnny knew it was right with you, and you never knew when or if it would be right with Jaehyun, maybe you’d know what’s right with Johnny.

📻

He was outside your house again, hands in his pockets but without his beanie. You saw him through your bedroom window and Johnny waved like he’d been invited, like he was meant to be there. Like it was right.

His certainty, again, borderline offensive.

You stood in front of him, on one side of the gate, “How long have you been out here?”

“Check your phone.”

You’d been ignoring the device since your conversation with Jaehyun; tiptoeing around it like any sudden movements would provoke it to ring, buzz, ding. Worried, mostly, about more encouraging words from Jaehyun. Pulling it out from your pocket was the first time you’d checked and - mixed in with the multiple messages from Jaehyun - ten minutes ago, Johnny had told you he was near your house. You mumbled, “Ah.”

That smile. That particular smile. In the gentle light of an unremarkable fall morning, Johnny gave you that smile and you finally noticed that small hiccup in your heart. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was your subconscious urging you to take a chance. It was honest, it was warm, it was playful and exciting. That smile, without much else, could convince you to do a lot of things.

Squaring your shoulders, tilting your head and letting out a quick laugh, you asked him, “Did you come here to tell me you changed your mind?”

He shook his head, hair flopping just as it should. You’d been right to think he’d look good like that. Then again, he probably always had, “Nope. Haven’t changed it at all. What about you?”

“Wouldn’t I need to make up my mind to change it?” You asked. It was a valid question, a little less than twelve hours wasn’t much time to consider anything, really. Johnny nodded, so you continued, “Can I ask you something?”

He leaned against the stone wall the gate was settled into, “Okay, ask away.”

You wanted to ask him if he was willing to take things slow. You wanted to ask Johnny, if you did take a chance on this, if you had to tell Mark and Jaehyun everything right away. You wanted to ask if, by asking that, were you still reacting exactly how he thought you would.

You looked up at him, matching his stance on the opposing side of the stone wall. You were face to face, eye to eye - which was rare, considering his height. Looking at Johnny in that moment, the way his eyes were shining with no help from the absent sun; how his lips curled up just slightly like he was both mocking and admiring you; like maybe you were the only thing he could see or wanted to. It was such a strange feeling. You briefly remembered exactly how it felt to kiss him, only half a day ago and could feel the blush burning from your cheeks to the the tips of your ears. Every question you thought to ask him dissolved and you were left just staring at each other, wind rustling his hair and yours.

The gust of wind urged a sigh from somewhere deep in your lungs, the words followed the breath out of your lips before you could stop them, “Have you always looked at me like that?”

Johnny’s smile broke, wider than ever and his eyes lifted into half moons, “Probably. At least for the last six months. But, I’m good at hiding it.”

“Because you thought you’d change your mind.” You teased him.

“You’re not going to let that go, huh?”

You only shrugged. Neither of you moved to a new position, his eyes still sparkled and your cheeks still burned red. You asked him, “Why?”

Johnny laughed then, repeating, “Why? Why what?”

It felt pathetic to ask him “why me,” but some part of you needed to know. On top of that, Johnny’s…confession had been very uniquely Johnny; straightforward, a fact, like he was telling you the Earth was round and you were ridiculous for not knowing. The Earth is round and birds fly and I like you. He didn’t elaborate and you didn’t know if he ever would, but you wanted him to. You wanted a wild confession, a passionate one.

“Why do you like me?” It took all your courage to ask, you were grateful that your voice didn’t falter, “At least three reasons.”

It was also becoming annoying how you were suddenly so painfully shy in front of Johnny. You hated that feeling, but the atmosphere had changed so quickly it was hard to find your footing.

He nodded his head, looking up towards the sky and mumbling, “Okay, three reasons.”

Then he was silent. For a very long time. You shuffled from one foot to the other, and Johnny stood still fixing his face to look like he was impossibly deep in thought. Occasionally he’d sigh, he’d pick at his hair or tap his chin. A few times, Johnny murmured things like “no, don’t say that” or “maybe” and once “oh, I can’t say that.”

You huffed out an annoyed laugh, tossing your head back and tapping at the stone, “Jesus, don’t strain yourself.”

“I’m narrowing it down.” He stated. Simplicity, again, “You only wanted three reasons.”

“How many reasons do you have?”

Johnny turned his attention back to you, a wild, remarkable, troublemaking grin on his face. He put both hands back on the stone, one hand on top of the other and placed his chin on top of them, “About one million.”

“I hate you.”

You rolled your eyes, a smile tugging at your lips, and pushed yourself back to walk into your house. Johnny called your name. When you didn’t turn back, you could hear the gate swing open, slam shut and the thudding of his feet on the pathway. Johnny laughed - he was always laughing, “Wait.”

Still, you didn’t turn, stepping up to your front door. You glanced over your shoulder to tell him, almost scolding him, “That was so corny.”

Johnny stood on the bottom step, you on the top. He grabbed your hand, pulling you to turn around and look at him. That smile was still there, it made your stomach flip. It was hard to keep up with how your body, your mind, your heart was reacting. Your phone burned in your pocket, suddenly remembering Jaehyun, remembering you ignoring Jaehyun. Remembering Jaehyun telling you to do what felt right and he’d support you.

Johnny licked his lips, “Kiss me.”

“What?”

He corrected, “Can I kiss you? Again?” After a moment, he tacked on a gentle, “Please?”

His smile never left. The smile that could convince you to do a lot of things. The smile that pulled you down the middle step, down so you were once again eye level with Johnny. The smile that only fell when you leaned in and Johnny leaned in and you were so close that you could feel him breathing. If you listened close enough, you could hear his heart beating loudly in time with yours. Johnny kissed you, you kissed him back.

His lips, God his lips, were soft against yours and warm despite the chill of fall. Johnny lifted the hand he was still holding to rest on his shoulder, his own hands wrapping around you to pull you against him. Your other hand naturally found its way to the nape of his neck, stroking the hair there and you swear you hear him moan when you do. So you smile, and you melt and you immerse yourself in feeling his body against yours, his lips moving perfectly, slowly. The exact passion you were wanting but entirely wordless. It was hard not to whine when he pulled away, it felt like an eternity and it felt entirely too short.

Johnny waited for you to catch your breath and open your eyes. He held you by your hips and didn’t break eye contact when he said, “I feel like you think I’m joking and I’m not.”

You shook your head, “I don’t think you’re joking, I’m just….shocked.”

“Good shock or bad shock?” Johnny asked, but he added, “Based on the way you just kissed me, I’m hoping good.”

“If you stop being corny, I’ll let you know faster.” You laughed, so he laughed, but neither one of you moved. You both just stood there for a moment, holding onto each other, breathing, blinking, smiling. After a while, you told Johnny, “I think it’s good. Right now, I think it’s a good shock. But, you gave yourself six months to change your mind, so I expect the same.”

He shook his head, “Nah, in six months you’ll already be too in love with me and I’ll have wanted you for a full year.”

Another skipped heartbeat, another small stomach flip. You had to push away the question of if you could fall in love with Johnny. Honestly, anyone could. It would be so easy, especially if he kept kissing you like that. Still, you didn’t think it would be nearly as fun to give into him so quickly. It would likely never hurt to humble Johnny.

“You think I’ll fall in love with you that fast, huh?”

He didn’t waver, “Probably faster, if I’m being honest.”

Your eyebrows raised, leaning back to look fully at Johnny. He looked so proud of himself, you thought about kissing him again. Instead, you said, “I feel like you’re trying to start a bet with me and I don’t think the target is supposed to be in on that kind of bet.”

“I’m not.” He told you; another fact. Johnny pulled you closer, he didn’t hesitate but lingered for a moment before bringing his lips to your cheek. He placed a kiss there before his lips hovered over your ear, “But, if I were making a bet, I’d say three months.”

You rolled your eyes, pushing him back finally and stepping back up to the top step. He put his hands in his pockets, still looking proud and something like invincible, “Wouldn’t I have to give you a chance, first?”

“Aren’t you?”

“Am I?”

“I’d like you to.” He took a bold step up, matching your height again, “I would very much like you to.”

Observation had been key in the last twenty four hours. It was hard to adjust to him looking at you like that, hard to take it all in. But, none of it was unwelcome. It was just shocking. You’d always thought Johnny would be the type to make a crush he had, any crush, obvious. Johnny was the type to be loud about that sort of thing. You considered, for a second, that maybe he had been and that you had been so wrapped up in…that you hadn’t noticed it.

“Okay, Johnny.”

“Okay, what?” It was almost a whisper. He was so close again when he said your name, “Okay to what? I want you to say it.”

“Okay to…sitting next to you at another movie. Just the two of us.” You breathed, it felt like a comfortable enough offer when all you could really think about was kissing Johnny again. Johnny, your friend. Johnny, who was now looking at you like you were made of starlight, “Okay to…giving this a shot. Is that good?”

“It’s good.” He seemed like he was reconsidering that answer, then he mended it saying, “It’s great. Really great. When? Are you free later?”

You were, so you nodded without much thought and leaned against your front door. From your back pocket, now pressed against the door, you felt and heard your phone vibrate. Johnny’s went off, too, which meant it was one of two people. You felt your heart stop, watching Johnny take his phone out to check and he told you, “It’s Mark. You haven’t seen his phone charger, right?”

You shook your head as a reply, maybe to shake out your thoughts, as well. You had to ask him. Even if it was unfair, you had to. The way your heart paused, meant you had to. How your hands started sweating and shaking, you had to. You were consciously thinking about every breath you took just by thinking it was Jaehyun texting the two of you. So, even if you hated to, you had to ask.

“Johnny. I have to ask something else.” He looked up, your phone buzzed again with whatever Johnny had typed, he nodded for you to continue, “Can we…Look, I want to take this…”

“You don’t want to tell Mark and Jaehyun.” You paused, knowing the answer was yes. Johnny waited for you to respond, when you forced your head to nod, he sighed. He tucked his phone away and tapped his fingers on his knee, “For how long?”

You shrugged your shoulders and closed your eyes, head against the door. It was pushing too far, asking him to keep this from your two other best friends. You offered, “I just want to feel this out. It kind of came out of nowhere.”

“Of course it came out of nowhere. I know you.” Johnny told you, with his grin and his floppy hair and his certainty, “You’re good at a lot of things, but one of those things is talking yourself out of stuff.”

“Oh, yikes.” He was right, of course. It still nipped at your pride, “Okay.”

“Hey.” Johnny dipped down once more, hand reaching out to hold onto your arm. He waited for you to acknowledge him before he said, “It’s not a bad thing. A lot of the time, you’re the voice of reason in the group. That brain of yours is good for the dynamic.”

That brain of yours could only think how Jaehyun said this might be bad for the dynamic. You and Johnny might be bad for the dynamic.

Johnny could see you slipping back into thought, something he’d really wanted to avoid. He wished, in that moment and a lot of moments in the past, that he could reach inside your head and pull you back out. Johnny had been good about it before, making jokes or distracting you or picking a fight. Doing any of that didn’t fit this mood, however. So, Johnny simply asked you, “What’s on your mind?”

You told him, just as simply, “I don’t want to make you feel like a secret.”

“I won’t. What else?”

“I just…” Sighing the words out was the only way they’d breach your lips, “It’s a big change.”

“It is.” Johnny agreed, “But for what it's worth, you’ve always been the best with change. And…”

“And?”

“And now that I’ve done it twice, I really don’t want to have to stop kissing you.” He’d made you laugh, again. Johnny didn’t mean to make you laugh, he’d never been more serious about something. But, he found that when he didn’t expect to hear it is when your laugh sounded the sweetest. So, he smiled at you and let you laugh, “We’ll tell them eventually. When you’re ready. In about two weeks, when you’re officially in love with me.”

“Two weeks? You said three months.”

He straightened, “I was accounting for group time.”

“We’ll still have group time. If anything, group time will drag it out longer.”

“Drag what out longer?”

You rolled your eyes, “Me falling in love with you.”

“So, you're admitting you will fall in love with me?”

“Jesus Christ, Johnny.” You turned from him, opening the door to go inside. Johnny was probably smiling, probably smug, probably adorable behind you, “Pick a movie and let me know what time, okay?”

“Will do. And, hey,” He waited for you to look back at him - you were right, he was smug. Johnny pointed towards you, vaguely, “You look really good in my jacket.”

Until that point, you hadn’t noticed. It was the first jacket on the hook when you’d come outside, which made sense. You couldn’t tell if you were blushing or if the rush of fall air tinted your cheeks; you felt hot and cold all at once, so it was almost impossible to tell. Johnny made his way down your steps, you stood at the door watching him. But, when he got to the gate, he turned and looked at you. His expression was signature Johnny; mischievous, playful, calculating. He shook his head, hair flopping again and his tongue swiping across his bottom lip.

Johnny took exactly six strides to get back to you, down the path and up the stairs, and when his lips were an inch away from yours, he asked, “One more time? Please?”

So you kissed him. And it felt sweet, on its way to intoxicating. And it felt warm, on its way to burning. It felt comfortable, on its way to right.

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