Vamptober day 10 - submission, and Beata, Kela’s cryptographer and one of the most significant spawn in his life
"Greetings, Master.
It's peculiar, to write while bearing your image in my mind, and not compile any elaborated cipher. I considered encrypting the letter, but after all my years of servitude I forgot how to work poorly, and I wouldn’t risk you misunderstanding my words due to unsatisfactory performance of your new interpreter -- if you have one, that is.
Rumours of your return finally reached me. To say I have complex feelings about it is to say little more than nothing.
Søren has it simpler. A thought of you makes him shudder in odium. To him, your… I won’t call it demise. To him, your fall was a blessing. A reason to not be afraid. A single just thing to brighten our unjust existence. I guess I wouldn’t be writing to you if I shared his sentiment wholeheartedly.
Yes, he hates you with all he has. I look at him sometimes and can’t help but wonder what makes this difference between us. Is it that I am so meek and forgiving by nature, or is it that there was something you did to him, but didn’t to me? And this thought leads me to wondering about other things, things I shouldn’t wonder about, things I won’t say herewith because it’s not decent to ask your sendee questions while not providing the return address.
Another question I don't have an answer for is what now. When I was at your service, I preferred to never think of what you'd do to me should I run. Avoiding unpleasant realisations allowed me to keep looking at you as gracious. But you don't blame me for leaving, right, my lord? Not when you were gone. I didn’t belong to your clan or your family the way I belonged to you. But now you’re back.
What in the world could stop you from finding me and dragging me back to Athkatla? Did you already know where I was the moment you opened your eyes anew? Is there any distance that I can cover so that you are unable to track me down?
In some way, I’m ready for exactly that to happen. Every time I’m alone I can’t help but expect for you to come.
Would I have the right to beg you not to? Søren is with me, as you would expect, but if you or anyone on your behalf appear, he'll fight to death. I won't. I know better. But it was a long time, wasn't it? A long time for me to... have a new life, I guess. To discover someone in myself who's free of you. I'm not sure I've ever succeeded, but I do so, so like trying. Only now I am able to understand how much was in fact taken from me, and to appreciate what was given. To be whole. To be myself.
In case you are willing to have this mercy on me, I’m enclosing a list of names I’ve come across in my line of work; those who are capable, partly at least, to replace me. Shameful of me to offer you new fates for the breaking just like that, but all I can think about now is not my own torn up life (it was so long ago that I barely remember myself before you) and of course, not someone else’s. I think of you, and I think that it’s unbefitting for a man of your standing to go without someone he can trust with his words, and… oh my lord, that’s pure hubris, but: how are you going to rule without me? I found out I value your opinion more than any stranger’s life, so let it be. Test them the way you’d tested me, choose wisely, and if you find none worthy, then I’ll have no choice but find my home in your shadow again.
I don’t want to. But I will.
Eternally yours (even if I wished otherwise),
Beata"