I'm really happy I decided to give myself the gift of my full devotion today. Talking about that is complicated, and it's full of talk about plurality, and I don't know how much I wanna share on this blog long-term; I may delete it later. But personal blogging was a foundational part of our emotional wellbeing in our teens and early twenties and I want that peace back, so I'm going to try. It's under a readmore so that anyone can opt in or out, and I don't have to withhold or censor myself.
(warnings for mentions of grief and heavy topics, talk about OSDD, and some mention of self-love in every form but especially romantic)
Today we chose ourselves first. Today we remembered to keep in focus that no matter what happens we can never lose that internal love. It cannot be taken from us. The devotion we share cannot be affected by the outside world. And it is okay for us to be our own lover, we are allowed to have that support, that fulfillment.
Sometimes I joke about how of course I have the ideal boyfriend, he lives in my head and there's six of them, actually.
It's not true, strictly speaking, in any respect; there aren't exactly six, the genders vary, and the polycules are complicated. But it's true that I have headmates who were made to show the love we couldn't trust anyone else to show us. Without external bonds, they can turn that attention inward again, and today I am feeling loved. We all are.
We gave ourselves a few little things, to decorate our room. We decided what to give ourselves for our birthday. We started planning out ways to meet our needs and new routines that will help us shed the old ones that are full of pain now. This morning was heavy, really heavy, but once we got up and moving we found that we could laugh, and connect with people, and think first and foremost of ourselves.
It's not like we've forgotten any of what led us here, but we turned off the switches that allow for external attraction, for now. Those subscriptions are on pause, to give us a chance to heal from getting bit unexpectedly, and to allow us to devote ourselves to each other fully.
Today has been full of reflection and anticipation and joy for the future. Yes, we've cried again, but the tears weren't bitter the way they were yesterday. We're not as broken as we were yesterday.
Today we chose to let things lie. Maybe those things will be healed in time and maybe we will regain some of what we lost -- or maybe we won't, and this is the end, and we will simply have to move on.
Either way, though, we're choosing ourselves. Our peace of mind, the healing of our heart. The promises we make ourselves about the future we will make for ourselves and no one can take away from us.
It's safe because we have control, yes, but right now we need the training-wheels-on kind of love that we have internally. After a nasty fall because we went blindly where we shouldn't have and ignored the warning signs we saw because we wanted it too badly not to take what we were offered, we're not ready to get back on and ride normally, we need time to reacclimate to being on the bike at all.
But there's so much joy in finding how genuinely happy we can be in the aftermath. I think tonight we'll catch up on our favorite romcom anime, because tonight it doesn't hurt to think of. It doesn't remind us of loss, or anyone else.
Tonight we're not thinking of anyone but ourselves. We are our priority. And it feels like progress, and hope, and a way to get our bearings before we move forward once more.
(And, as a side note for anyone who got to the end and cares, we might just start posting pictures of our room as we decorate it and get it looking the way we want it to, since there's so much in it we've chosen because it makes us think of our comfort charas)
