blows and bellows.

a little bit of writing.

[blowsandbellows]

i’m writing an overdue report for a dead child using present tense as if she were alive. she was alive when it was supposed to be completed. she is no longer.

i have lots to do now—but i’m too cowardly to call the parents and offer my condolences and ask in roundabout ways the cause of death so i can complete another, different, report. i feel like a vulture.

[blowsandbellows]

is there such a thing as a soulmate?

i swear i’ve seen you in so many others. the curves of your face, lines in your skin.

a familiar feeling...as if you’ve plunged deep deep into my cool waters. i feel them splash and spray.

have i known you forever? maybe you call to me, and that is tenderness i feel when nights are quiet and still. i call back, but confuse your name. m m k d.

have we met? if it’s true, should we always find each other? should we know the sun when it shines in our eyes? it is a long night, but when dark skies clear, the stars are bright and scattered.

[blowsandbellows]

you kissed me so hard that my nose bled. i was flushed and dazed and my eyes glazed over. you kissed me some more and i kissed you back. i was flushed and dazed and my eyes glazed over for many days after that.

[coolcatscan]

i’m never on here anymore.

my euro trip was great, but i felt lonely. the beer and food was good.

my car was stolen last weekend while i was in san diego with my friends, so i’ve been stressed. all of my cds were inside in one of those big, black cases. i had entire discographies. had. all the toys i used for work were in the trunk. i work with children with developmental disabilities/delays. i hope they realize and feel bad and send the toys to me in the mail. send my cds. it’ll never happen, but what else can i hope for? i’m lucky i can borrow my grandpa’s car. i have to drive around all day for work. i feel very vulnerable, and i get sick after i eat anything because i react very viscerally to anything bad, though my brain is calm and numb and i laugh everything off.

my face is clearing up, and that’s good. i hope it lasts.

[blowsandbellows]

i keep feeling like the world is going to explode. i can't explain my luck. i'm leaving in five days, and five days is so soon. i'll be sitting on a plane, and i'll be going somewhere i've always wanted to go, and i'll land, and i'll explore, and i'll eat and drink and buy good things. i can't believe my luck. i bought my tickets two months ago, and two months has seemed so long. i didn't run into problems with my job, i didn't have problems arranging anything, and i don't have kids, and i don't have a sweetheart, and i can eat and drink and buy whatever good things, whenever i want. for things to have gone so well, i keep feeling like something will go wrong. that is usually my luck.

[blowsandbellows]

it's hard to feel that opportunity isn't just a punishment and set up for failure. you should feel honored by opportunity. you should be quick to catch on. but opportunity is a trick and a trap and a gamble. a trick because you can stumble. a trap because you've no other choice. a gamble because you can succeed. opportunity is anguish.

[blowsandbellows]

i enjoy writing. i don’t have an audience, and i don’t need an audience, but i could have an audience. i guess there is a certain thrill in that. an audience! wow, an audience! …there is no one here.