No Strength Without Resistance
Recently our 3-year-old, Parker, has been challenging my authority. I think this is pretty common for a 3-year-old. He feels like he has no control in his world. We make most of his decisions for him. At any moment I can just pick him up and move him from one place to another. We have all the power and he wants at least some of it.
Weāve handled this in a few ways. Ashley and I are pretty tough on our kids when it comes to obedience and manners. We are constantly on them about being polite and they do not get away with throwing tantrums or defying us. As a result they are both pretty well behaved.
But we also realize that kids are people who want to feel involved in their family. Choosing different moments to give them a choice can be very effective.Ā āParker, who do you want to get you out of your car seat? Mommy or Daddy?āĀ āParker, you can bring two toys with you. Which toys would you like to bring?ā Little things that are inconsequential to us, but feel like a big deal to them.
But in spite of our best efforts, I specifically am still being met with a lot of resistance from our 3-year-old. Particularly at bedtime, after we have read our books, gone potty one last time, and it is time to put on Parkerās diaper.Ā
Two nights ago as I began to put the diaper on he flipped out on me, screaming and kicking to get away. I backed off a bit and asked him to use his words and explain what was wrong.Ā āPutting my diaper on means it is bedtime.ā I totally understood where he was coming from. But regardless, it was time to go to bed and that was that. I told him this as nicely as I could and attempted to put his diaper on and we had a physical struggle full of screams and tears. Finally mom came in and he reluctantly allowed her to put him to bed.Ā
The next night, I was ready for more of the same. I did my best to set us up for success by preparing him for what was coming. Reminding him that it was almost potty and diaper time and then weād sing some songs and get in bed. And I made a deal with him that if he did the night-time routine without fussing, Iād do some real funny silly songs for him. I seemed to have his buy-in and things went well right Ā up until the last second.
And then he ran and hid under his crib and cried. I stuck my head under the crib, got him to calm down, and tried to talk to him. Then, I came to a fork in the road. It was either time to put my foot down and enforce my authority, or try something new.
It occurred to me, that all he was really trying to do was exert his own strength against mine. We were two immovable objects fighting against one another. I remembered something I saw in a Kung Fu movie once. The Kung Fu master taught his student that strength can only exist if there is resistance. In the example, the bigger stronger student was asked to push the master with all his strength. The first time, the master resisted, and was promptly pushed back several feet. The second time, the master waited for the push to come, and this time he simply moved with the push and the big guy fell forward on his face.Ā
Without resistance, your strength is useless.
So in this moment, when my 3-year-old and I were about have a standoff, I chose to simply leave the room. And about 20 seconds later, the little guy came scampering out and went to the bathroom just like he was supposed to. Then we went back to his room and put on his diaper, sang the silliest songs I could think of, and I put him to bed happily.
I think as parents we often get stuck in the mode ofĀ āauthority figure teaching our children to be obedientā. And teaching obedience IS important. But we do this ALL day long. And it is good to remember that these children are human beings with feelings and not just little programmable robots. So sometimes, the best approach is to give in a little. Not only will you get better results, but you will be teaching them that not all confrontations can or should be solved with sheer force of will.
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