I don't think I was used to relationships. But it appears to be that some things come out so naturally when you start doing them that eventually, it seems like you've known that a long time before. It's like swimming or riding a bicycle. Once or twice you may hesitate if you have it in you but then you try and with every right movement grow fond of the idea of learning. So, could we learn for real?
I think the only bad thing about being a writer was looking at the world through the book prism. It's just my March appeared to be a chapter in somebody's story, and as much as I loved books, there is always that thing about them that nothing good lasts long, driven by the fear to make the plot uninteresting and bore the reader. Perhaps, my story meant to be a complicated one no matter how bad I was craving for things to be simply normal. Perhaps, I didn't know what it's like when things are normal.
We spent a whole month alone. Together. I was afraid to pronounce that sentence aloud but couldn't help coming back to it more and more, my mind misted with the idea of the desired happiness and his white cigarette smoke. I felt him mentally, physically, gently, desperately - in every way he allowed me to, and I was trying to catch the moment of us together and put it in the bottle like a delicate ship model for everyone to see but not to touch. Our time could be taken for an exhibition that March, and I was afraid to ruin the unfamiliar and long-awaiting perfection of it.
With Alex my days became different. I loved when he would pick me up after work. We could go to his studio, his home, or anywhere in that city where we felt like going to pass the time like it didn't exist. With Alex somehow, hours, minutes, and seconds were starting to have no meaning, and the night could go without even coming to change the day.
I loved when he teased me.
I loved when the talks were nothing but a prelude. The prelude to us and everything I could so vividly feel in my chest when I would catch him looking at me without any actual thing to say. I loved when he said he needed to go but was always late because he wanted to stay.
I loved when he called me "darling".
I loved, I loved, I loved...
Oh damn...
I loved so many things about him that somebody would actually say that I loved him. Which obviously could've sounded just a little insane if you try to imagine it for real.
But well, what if?
The monotonous sound of my fingers tapping the keys on the typewriter was mercilessly cutting the air of the room. In the furious, habitually fast action the letters were obediently appearing on the paper only to become words and phrases, forming sentences. The action giving me the sort of satisfaction I'd never felt to anything else before. My manuscript was getting its chapters done, and the end wasn't as far as it seemed at the first sight.
Well, it looked like, after all, I could be a writer, couldn't I?
The window was open to my left and the cool April wind was bringing the scent of the cherry blossom somewhere from the outskirts of the city, reminding me of the beautiful season of the year we belonged to. From all the things in the world, most of all I adored spring. And I would think about it for as much as I've wanted to. But how could that be possible when I wasn't alone in the room?
Alex was sitting on the chair on the other side of the bedroom next to the door, writing on the paper and smoking a cigarette. The naughty lock of hair fell on his forehead lazily as he put the cigarette between his teeth to note something with a pencil and let the white smoke get lost somewhere in the air above his head. Alex's legs in blue-washed jeans were laying on another chair next to him, a black simple shirt tugged in the jeans casually, accompanied but the thoughtful expression on his face and the shadows of the evening on his cheekbones. It was so easy to stop typing, observing him, that I almost didn't notice.
Oh Lord, it felt like it was impossible to get used to that picture.
We grew to like doing some routine things in the presence of each other. I was afraid at first it wouldn't have worked. Because all we knew was chasing after one another or going away without spending any time together, playing those games that were nothing close to usual or normal. But somehow there he was.
There he was in the furnishing of my apartment, making all the surroundings feel like the cheap, unimportant decorations and taking my breath away from the single understanding of that fact. I never knew it was possible to adore someone like that but maybe, there was some particular word to describe that adoration. The familiar word that got my chest tighten nervously. The word that I'd heard and seen so many times before but never had an actual chance to feel it.
'I saw you watching me, darling'.
I almost jumped at my seat as I heard the silver sound of his voice appearing in the air only to mix with the lazy movement of the smoke from his cigarette, the smug way too familiar smirk touching Alex's lips as he kept his eyes glued to the paper. Something was in the way he so naturally and carelessly intruded in the atmosphere of my apartment, and I had to suppress a smile coming to my features.
'I'm sorry, I just needed some inspiration' I teased lightly, biting my lip somehow shyly, waiting for his reaction from under my eyelashes. I couldn't explain how it was actually possible after the whole month together to feel that distance between us so strongly, to crave for closing it so impatiently as if we never touched each other. Maybe, the reason was that no matter what I always had the feeling that Alex was coming to my life not to stay. But to leave eventually.
'Then you might get a little more inspiration from coming to sit right here' he answered cunningly, raising his mocking dark glance at me as if trying to trick me and patting his lap lightly. His pencil and paper were put on the table unregretfully as he watched me expectedly to come closer. The only thing except two of us remained was his still burning cigarette.
'Well, I don't mind it' I chuckled softly, standing up from my spot and locking my eyes with his. Our glance exchanges always felt so intimate that I wanted to hide and stare back simultaneously. It was like making steps forward and away all the time, making it feel like a rhythmical dance. Something painfully close to the piledriver waltz.
'Come here' Alex pronounced quietly, meeting me with the gesture of his hand circling my waist and making the last puff of his cigarette. I soon was on his lap as Alex turned my back to him to put both of his hands around my shoulders and slide them along my arms to take my fingers in his. I felt the toned torso pressing to my spine and the hot breath tickled the exposed skin of my neck, raising goosebumps. I leaned back at him mindlessly, closing my eyes to feel his touch vividly.
It felt like the first time when he left a small feathery kiss on my neck.
'You know, I actually wanted to tell you about something' his words come out muffled as he pronounced them in the skin of my shoulder, capturing my attention by the serious tone of his voice.
'Sure' I answered a little warned by the sudden change of mood, making myself comfortable on his chest and letting his chin rest on my shoulder.
'There is this party on the weekend that the music people I know and just some interesting folks throw on and I thought that I would like you to be there' Alex told me somehow simply and casually, avoiding the fact that he'd never invited me to such things like these before. It was only a tight circle I was acquainted with, and this invitation seemed like a whole another step for both of us. 'Matt, Jules, and the guys will be there'.
'I don't see why to refuse' I answered slowly, taking my fingers to play with his, enjoying this reality or more-so an illusion that something like this could last forever.
'You can invite Tina with you too' Alex added in a satin voice as if a matter of fact, taking his fingers from my grip and sending them to my knees, soft hands going up my thighs slowly and smoothly, making the hem of my dress go up tamely. The action taking my concentration away and forcing the small gasp from my lips.
'She has this guy she loved coming back in town a month ago and she doesn't really want to be with Jules in one building before sorting that out' I explained as clearly as I could, even though the foggish sensation in my mind as the reaction to his tender and teasing touch didn't allow me to speak more. Whenever we were alone like that, being in his arms was the only thing I could desire, and if it was completely mutual, then I would've been able to hold the realization of it in my chest. The feeling would've been bigger than me.
'Seems reasonable' he agreed distractingly, placing a hot open-mouthed kiss on my shoulder, making me relax my spine in pleasure, his hands keeping me in place tightly. 'Then come without her'.
'I will...' I barely whispered. Talking seemed to be a much more difficult task than usual.
'I like the way your body responses to my touch'.
He continued in a whispered voice, letting his nose trace the line up to my jaw and make me tighten the grip on his fingers on my thighs from the sensation. Somewhere near the opened window, the curtains were flying in the wind but I couldn't see them as my sight was blurred by his presence.
'Am I the only one who's made you feel like this before?'
Something arrogant was in Alex's tone as he already knew the answer. I never met someone like him and my life just always felt like a prequel to the day we'd met. It was wrong to think that, it was wrong to be so mad about him but how could I fight the feeling? I once admitted him being my worst disease and if that was true then the disease seemed to be chronic.
'You just want to hear me say that aloud, don't you?' I asked him with a challenge, ignoring my rapid heartbeat and the urge of melting in the way he was. In the way he touched me, in the way he kissed me, in the way he talked was just as much of the world for me as it was behind the opened window of my room. The difference was that I always seemed to be drawn more to the one that was in him.
'Well, I just want you to be only mine in every way possible'.
His velvety tone imprinted on my skin, making me catch my breath uneven and almost desperate. Because how in the world he could think that there was anyone else I could belong to? When every thought throughout the day was called by his name. When every corner and every passerby had his image? It was crazy how much I was scared to show the real power of my emotion when he was asking these questions so easily, so carelessly. Those were the moments when I thought that it would've been better for him not to know the truth.
I turned around and sat down straight to see his face perfectly, lips and handsome features just a few inches away from mine. His dark eyes and the reflection from the dimmed yellow light of my room in them were looking at me captivatingly, leaving no chance but to adore the sight. His breath was calm and steady, the complete opposite of mine, and I was afraid to ruin the cozy silence of the room.
Putting my hands on his shoulders gently, I leaned to his ear and whispered lovingly:
'Baby, in every way you want... I'm yours'.
I heard Alex's lips forming a satisfied smirk and his hand pressed on my waist just a little too tightly, another one coming to grip my chin with his fingers. His eyes were the epitome of air in my lungs when he leaned in to finally kiss me.
I felt his lips grazing mine slowly only to turn the movement in hot and brazen, taking everything I could give, everything that I wanted to give, everything I couldn't help but dreamt to give. Whatever move of his body was made, I followed it, I chased it, I craved for it no matter what he planned for the two of us, I never wanted it to end. When his kisses made their way to my neck and collarbones, I never fought the feeling of goosebumps running over my body.
My hands took his T-shirt away, fingers tracing every muscle on his chest with a tender but passionate appreciation, still trying to think clearly with рші hands and lips on my skin and failing miserably.
Because there was something unexplainably pleasant in losing to Alex Turner.
My dress was long gone soon. In the breathtaking mix of feelings, Alex managed to give me, I could feel him in the way I was scared to because the touch couldn't feel so unreal and the kisses couldn't be so intense. In the sound of him whispering my name, I could hear a beautifully disastrous note, and the only thing I wanted to believe was that he felt me just like I felt him. The room became shy at the image of us, and I could only smile softly in between the kisses.
That was one of the evenings we spent in the lit-up window of my apartment, just one of the yellow squares in the rows of the night April city lights, blinking distractingly to the stranger's sight before going off eventually and becoming the part of the darkness just like millions of windows every night. Alex stayed, promising to wake up beside me, and even if he didn't keep the promise, it wouldn't matter. Because what could be better than the absolute conviction that he would've come back?
Oh, I should've known to be more careful.
But that was still somewhere deep inside my mind and a few days later I had nothing to worry about. Matt, Nick, and Jamie gathered at Alex's that Saturday morning to hang out and play some music. I was out to buy some things for my manuscript and was supposed to come over to spend the day with them later. The guys should've been gone at noon and we would've been alone after that. I always appreciated those kinds of days and always wanted to come as fast as possible.
That morning I got especially lucky. Buying some books and the paper for my typewriter, I had a nice conversation with a cashier and smiled at myself going out of the last shop on my journey. It was April in all its unbelievable, breathtaking blossom beauty. People were rushing somewhere in a lively unstoppable rhythm, much an opposite from the picture I'd seen in February, waiting for the green traffic signal for what seemed like ages.
Stopping to let the car pass me by on my way, I thought that being happy, you suddenly find out that every crossroad shows only a green traffic signal. And the feeling of it soon becomes so natural and habitual that you might forget that the traffic light has other colors to it. Nothing can bother you, nothing can make you stop and look around. You just move ahead, just like the cars on the morning road, fast and unapologetic, too busy with your own path, too focused to be distracted. And it seems like no one but destiny can prevent you from reaching the destination.
That April I almost forgot about destiny.
I opened the door to Alex's house with no difficulties. He used to leave it open whenever he had someone over, and it was one of those habits of his that were so annoying that somehow could paint a small smile on your face. I put the bags with some food and snacks for the guys on the floor, hearing the lively discussion in the living room. Something in me felt like making a surprise since apparently, they didn't hear me coming. On my tiptoes, I went down the hall and looked around the corner carefully, trying to guess if it was the right moment to come in.
'God, Alex, make your fucking face look less pompous. Whenever you play that "Do I Wanna Know?" riff, it feels like you turn into a narcissistic asshole'.
I heard Nick's voice speaking in a mocking irritated tone and let out a soundless chuckle as I saw the picture of the room from my hiding place. Matt and Jamie were sitting on the couch, sipping some drinks from cans, all laid back and relaxed, watching Alex on the chair with his acoustic guitar, playing some random sounds. Nick was practically laying on the armchair with his feet on the glass table, eating something from the bag. Some pizza cardboards were laying here and there, setting the lazy atmosphere of the room, and a few cigarettes were going off in the ashtray. Oh yeah, classic.
'You just envy my beautiful pompous face, admit it' Alex chuckled teasingly, answering Nick almost mindlessly, brushing the strings of the guitar lightly. Whenever he was in that playful mood, I admired the sight of him more than ever. If "more" was even a possibility.
'Oh yes, I can't believe I'll be so blessed to see it on tour every day' Nick responded sarcastically, taking a bite of whatever he was eating from his bag and throwing it in his mouth carelessly. I caught myself furrowing my eyebrows in confusion immediately, hearing the word that never came out from Alex's lips in the presence of mine.
On tour?
'I knew you were excited' Alex mocked back without raising his glance at Nick, starting to play some quiet unknown melody. The motive of it bringing to me some unpleasant paranoid feeling.
'By the way, about the excitement. Is Lili about to come?' Matt intervened casually, throwing a glance at Alex and checking his phone for a time on it.
For the month of being together with Alex, I and Matt grew to be close as friends and we would hang out often here and there. For me, he was the voice of sanity I had a habit to lack overwhelmed with my feelings, and in general, just a good guy I was so lucky to meet that February night at the bar.
'Yeah, she's about to be here soon so you'd better shut up about all this tour talk'.
Alex finally raised his glance at Matt with a convincing strong glare, repeating his mindless guitar movements. Something in his voice sounded not so habitually as if he wasn't in the mood to put my name and the word "tour" in one inseparable sentence.
The question was: why?
'Why? Didn't you tell her?' Matt raised his eyebrows in a disapproving manner, adding some judging note to the tone of his voice and repeating my thoughts aloud. I wasn't the one to enjoy eavesdropping but that awful curious something in me pushed me to listen further. It was like waiting for a scary moment in the movie that wasn't supposed to be horror. I still hoped it was some foolish mistake.
'No, I didn't' Alex brushed Matt's question away irritatingly, making it look like he was still unbelievably bothered by his guitar. But something in the lines of his features was telling me something was off with it. For a bit more than a month together, I learned all the variations of his expressions, and at that moment it was nothing but my curse.
'You know that's not right, do you?' Matt continued astonished, sharing glances with Nick and Jamie, probably searching for any reasonable excuse. A part of me wanted to stop listening but the seed was already planted and from now on, I wouldn't have been calm and steady anyway. Alex had secrets from me he wanted to hide and it couldn't be good for us.
'Don't tell me what's right, Matt' Alex answered a bit harshly, stopping his eyes at the cigarette in the ashtray. The lines of his face turned into the thoughtful ones, and I wondered if it was because of me. He must have thought of me at that moment, mustn't he?
And if yes, what exactly?
'You can't be serious, can you? You know that she won't like you hiding it' Jamie spoke in an unpleasant confusion, mirroring Matt's manner. 'And as a matter of fact, why would you? I just don't understand'.
'I'll tell her. There just wasn't the right time for it' Alex snorted annoyed at Jamie, and I saw him suppressing something behind that snort. Something that made a bad feeling in my chest wake up unwittingly. I didn't want to feel hesitant again. God, I hated it. It was so hard to learn to trust him that a single mention of his lie was making me go back to that harmful sensation. Maybe, I was just being stupid, but why wouldn't he just tell? What was so bad about the news of him going on tour?
'I don't like it, man. You can't make us all your sidekicks' Nick added, turning his head to the sides to prove the words.
'Don't be my sidekicks, just shut up. I don't want to discuss it. Besides, she'll be here soon'.
Alex sighed somehow tiredly, and I didn't know where it came from. I felt a nervous feeling in my stomach as if I was guilty of something I accidentally missed. At times like that, it's so easy to make it all your fault cause if it is your fault, then you can do something to fix it, don't you?
But if the reason has nothing to do with you, and those little moments of destiny are something that life consists of, then does it even make any sense? Does it make any sense when things start turning in the wrong direction again when you did everything right and there was nothing to blame you for? Looking at Alex's posture on the chair in the middle of the room I knew too well now, I suppressed the bitter suspicious feeling the hardest way I knew.
'I'll just play something' Alex added when nobody said anything, making an attempt to vanish the topic. And I wished I came later.
'Let's do "Love is a Laserquest"' Jamie suggested almost mindlessly as if he didn't mean to keep arguing with Alex but had no enjoyment in the scene either. I probably felt the same. Maybe, just a little bit more concerned.
'No, I want him to play "Dance Little Liar"'Matt snorted wryly and something daring became prominent in his tone, making Alex turn his head at him again in slight disbelief. The phrase seemed to be picked on purpose, and the energy just wasn't good.
'You think you know everything, don't you?' Alex let out a chuckle that lacked any fun, voice firm but still cashmere, his dark eyes concentrating on Matt with something unreadable, and I swallowed a lump in my throat. I was ignoring all of it, I was giving him a chance for the future to explain all of it. But was I right about it?
'Just play the fucking song, Alex' Matt pronounced somehow despisingly, and that was something I didn't expect from him.
'Your girlfriend will be here soon'.
At that moment, Alex's eyes were sparkless and maybe, that was the only problem I could distinguish perfectly. His glance was focused on Matt for a second, thoughtful and almost numb, but then he lowered it to his guitar, dismissing the pause. The melody started playing, and all the other problems were nothing but my hesitations. I refused to believe that something went wrong in that perfect bubble where we existed.
'I heard that truth was built to bend...'
His voice filled the room with its soft velvety sound, and I leaned my back at the wall, losing the picture of him. Now I was supposed to come out as if nothing happened, but I knew that it would've been a hard thing to do.
'A mechanism to suspend the guilt is what you will require
And still, you've got to dance little liar...'
It's just I wasn't used to relationships. Hell, I was scared of the lies so much that almost lost Alex a little while before. But what did I have to do? It was so tempting to explain everything with something absolutely unbelievable.
Because it happens that being in love you often get fond of creating excuses.
'Just like those fibs to pop and fizz
And you'll be forced to take that awful quiz
And you're bound to trip
And she'll detect the fiction on your lips and dig a contradiction up...'
I guess I just didn't know that things in life are often pretty simple. There is a lot of shades between black and white but eventually, it all leads to these cliche opposites. The hesitation turns into a fact and it's an either happy or unhappy outcome.
Everything in between, to speak truthfully, is still a hesitation.
'And the clean coming will hurt
And you can never get it spotless
When there's dirt beneath the dirt...'
But I was in love. And I adored excuses. Picking up the bags from the floor before claiming my presence, I heard but didn't remember:
Hey, it's been a while! I'm not sure anyone would actually read it still but I decided to post it anyway. Hope you're doing fine. I'm mostly based on Wattpad now by altavision but I'll be posting my fics here too.
Please, let me know what you think just in case you liked the chapter. Much love!
I kept having that dream where I was standing in the middle of the huge room and a lot of people were surrounding me celebrating something. I could see a golden chandelier hanging above me, scaring me with the wealthy heaviness it had. The atmosphere was loud and idle where nobody was concerned about anything. Everybody was drinking champagne and having emotional conversations saturated with poetical drama which they would never remember again.
I had a feeling that I wanted to be one of those people even though it was very clear that I was just a stranger. I was wandering between the tables with drinks and flowers looking for something ephemeral which felt like my lost self. Every time the ending was the same: I would find some lonely room, open the door but see nothing because the dream was starting to fade away.
That night wasn't an exclusion to the rule. I appeared in a huge hall with lots of people which for who knew what time already felt like a habit. I even drank a glass of champagne to feel more confident before looking for the enigmatic room. It didn't help but blurred people's faces.
As I made the first step at the marble stairs which usually led to the room, I got a strange feeling that for the first time since I'd been in that dream everybody was paying attention to my posture. As I was going up further, I looked at my hands and found one of them gracefully brushing the railing. Every movement suddenly seemed confident, easy and naturally lazy. Everything around was melting in a pleasant feeling of admiration while the way to the room was becoming eternally long with my slinky gait. When the door of the room was close enough, in a matter of habit I quietly waved my lashes and spotted the door opening for me:
'So, Ms "Bare legs on the cold winter night", will you dance with me?' and I heard the familiar silky chuckle filling the air.
I woke up late feeling a bit lost because of the dream. My body felt heavy after the events of the last night and I was very tired. I spent almost all night talking to the taxi driver and listening to the radio, smoking God knows how many cigarettes. All of it was weird and natural simultaneously as If I should and shouldn't have done that. The first thought on my mind was about Alex, though.
I was laying in my sheets with a desire to slowly sink in them. The kind of drowning that was especially pleasant after a long night and emotional events of the day before. As I closed my eyes, my mind started to replay some scenes in a fast-forward cinematographic rewind, not leaving a chance to enjoy the recent memories, and I gave that up, understanding that my head was heavy with tiredness.
Trying to get some more sleep, however, I heard my phone ringing on the bedside drawer. The first moment I decided to ignore it but as it was ringing endlessly, I had no choice but to make an effort and pick up the phone. For some reason, I knew it wasn't Alex.
'Hello, Lili? Are you there?' I heard Tina's concerned voice on the line speaking to me and felt a small smile making its way to my lips, leaving my eyes closed.
'Yes, good morning, Tina' I answered softly, appreciating her worry.
'How are you? How did everything go yesterday?' she asked, exhaling in relief, and I felt a bit guilty for not calling her yesterday. That's how it goes when you are so deep in your own drama.
'Um...' I mumbled not even sure what to say in response. As much as great it all ended the day before, I had no idea where I and Alex were in our relationship. And was there a relationship? Maybe, I just made it to the list of one of his girls like the one I'd met a day before? That was the first time that day that the thought of uncertainty crossed my mind. 'There is kind of a lot to tell about last night but everything ended pretty well even though I'm not sure what turn it will take later. I appreciate you worrying about me but everything is fine' I told her truthfully. Just how I felt. There was no need to make up something.
'Then I can't wait to see you and talk about it' Tina said, her voice lightening up my own mood. I didn't even realise that she was the only close friend of mine despite my attempts to be distant with her. In a tough moment, she was there for me, and that was something that shouldn't have been forgotten.
'Sure. But what about your date with Jules?' I decided to change the subjecting, adding a playful note to my tone. I was kind of curious about how two of them got along. From my perspective, they could be well together.
'He was very sweet' she answered with a hint of hesitation in her voice which made me frown. Something was off. I even opened my eyes after Tina's response as if it could help me understanding everything.
'What's wrong, dear?'
'I don't really wanna talk about it now. Let's wait until we see each other, okay?' she said, sounding upset, and I knew that it was just an excuse. Damn, where did it all come from?
'Okay, if you want so' I decided not to pressure her no matter how bad I wanted to know what happened and help. Now it was my turn to be a good friend. 'Then call me whenever you are ready. Perhaps, tomorrow or the day after it?'
'Yes, thank you' Tina answered, relaxing. 'Talk to you soon'.
'Of course' I responded and heard her hanging up. A heavy feeling formed in my chest. For the 2 years that I'd worked in the floral shop with Tina, I'd never seen her sad. Maybe, I wasn't very attentive or she just hid it well but she was the one to always cheer me up so that moment I felt lost, not knowing what to think.
Just when I was about to sink not only in my comfortable sheets but thoughts as well, my screen flashed with a notification of a message. Opening it up, I saw the name above it, and my heart sped up like it usually did with everything that was connected to that name. Just four simple letters forming such a magical ensemble in the word "Alex". I wasn't even trying to resist anymore, I just knew there was no way to escape that reaction to him.
"Morning, love. Will I get a chance to see you tonight? The only acceptable answer is "yes" so the address is below. This place and any kind of dress you have. I'm gonna wait for you all night".
That was all that Alex wrote in his message that in an enigmatic manner of his didn't require any answer. I was staring at the black letters on the white screen and couldn't believe the fact that it was real. A pleasant feeling of anticipation enveloped me, fogging my mind with every word Alex used, expecting everything to be a trick but receiving a prove that it wasn't instead. And how much does a person need to feel happy like I did that moment? Merely, the same kind of feeling in response. Then why is it usually so hard to get?
I fell asleep again overwhelmed with the new unexplored state of mine when everything felt so exciting and right that it was making it hard to believe. Those things typically happen with the main characters when they least expect it and that is what so fascinating about them. I had to try being calm, I thought. That night would be a perfect scenario for us to follow, and I was ready to feel that with all my senses.
When the night touched the streets with its inky fingers and accidentally coloured the city in a dark, I left my apartment wrapping myself in a long spring coat, letting the ends of it flying in the air every time I was making a step and giving me a chance to feel like a fearless renegade. I would drive an old Mustang in that kind of state, travelling through the lines of the empty night city even though I never learned how to do that. It's just some days feel like well-shot movies and if you happened to be a character, then you can make a whole world turn upside down and even walk with your hands in the pockets of your coat, not being afraid to get cold when a March freezing wind blows in your face. And so I was a character in the middle of the night of March city.
The place with the address Alex had sent wasn't that far so I decided not to grab a taxi and walk all the way there. An unfamiliar smile was lingering on my lips of a peachy colour and I knew that I wanted to see him. Mr Turner in all his glory.
I stopped right where the message told me, finding a small dinner place lit up with a dark yellow, kind of dim light and looking right through the window, immediately saw the figure I so desired to see.
Alex was sitting at the small white square table near the window, playing with the napkin holder in the middle of it. His dark sparkling eyes were focused on his fingers that were trying to make whatever thing he thought of with those paper napkins that were placed right next to the salt and pepper.
Alex's details were just like any other day I'd had a chance to see him. That mysteriously vintage kind of accent on his modern-day clothes thanks to the black denim shirt and slightly rolled sleeves with his anthracite haircut. On the back of the chair, I could spot a leather jacket, and that felt so habitually as if I'd seen that millions of times before, creating an illusion of home or at least, something painfully familiar.
The dark yellow light was creating a reflection of the posture of his, imitating all the movements and all of a sudden I saw nervousness in that mindless game of his fingers. They weren't trembling but definitely impatient, unsure in its touches, irritated with the irrelevance of the napkins on the table. And I was mesmerized by the sight. Because how in the whole world could he sit there, in the middle of the city and nowhere at the same time, and wait, being worried about me to actually come?
I felt my heart beating at least 3 times faster of its usual pace and leaned at the brick wall of the building, losing sight of him and making sure I wasn't spotted. I'd waited for so long to be able to feel all of it that in the end found it almost unbearable for me to handle.
Mr Turner, I was in love with you in that exact moment of knowing that in a second I would open the door and dispel all your hesitations because I had the power to do so. I was powerful, imagine? People, in general, are powerful creatures because they can make others happy with a decision to open the door, and an ability to fly or live for eternity seem not that significant compared to it. And so I calmed my breath, thinking how pleasant it is sometimes to make a pause just before something nice happens and took a look at Alex once more. Only that time, I made my way right to the door, hiding that foolish peachy smile somewhere in my features.
'When they say they are going to wait all night, the promise usually lasts five minutes' I pronounced in a soft voice as a greeting, right on the threshold of the dinner cafe, causing Alex to turn his head in my direction. The place was empty except two of us, and I wondered if that was intentional.
'You caught me, I was just about to go' Alex answered, getting up from his spot, and a teasing smirk made itself prominent on his lips. The tone of his voice soft and melodic, giving me a tender feeling somewhere deep inside in my chest.
'It's unfortunate...' I started talking but in a moment was interrupted by a sudden kiss on my lips, his hand on my waist and another one somewhere in my hair.
I wish I could describe properly how I felt, not being able to hold a smile through the kiss but Alex wouldn't let me. I let myself lose all the thoughts in that moment when we were just standing and kissing in the empty cafe. The only thing I knew for sure was that his movements were passionate but gentle, proving me that he was eager to see me. And isn't it the craziest thing to be aware of?
'Where is everybody? I thought places like this would have someone here in the midnight' I pronounced, pulling a bit away from him and trying to steady my breath. The penetrating glance with inky pupils, though, and a welcoming heat of Alex's body was making it hard to do so.
'We are alone here tonight. The friend of mine owns this place so it wasn't really hard to do' he answered in a half-whispered tone, not taking his eyes off me, making his grip on me tighter. Oh no, that couldn't true. Just couldn't. 'Though I have to admit, I did have to kick out some lonely hungry strangers as I was waiting for you to come' Alex added, chuckling and cocking his head to look at me from another angle. I noticed it was becoming a habit of his to do so.
'So, you are trying to be romantic, Mr Tuner? Is it something you do with girls every time?' I teased, drawing a line of his jaw with my fingers. In the yellowish dim light of the dinner cafe, every move was slowed-down, just right to catch the moment, remember it for at least a few thousands of years. It didn't seem much that night, did it?
'I'm not doing it every time' he frowned, almost offended. I could feel he didn't want me to bring the topic of our previous conversations up, and I thought that I could postpone it. Just for a bit. 'I just wanted to see you. And this is all for the entourage. Who cares if that's shamelessly romantic?'
'I have nothing against it. I just couldn't lose a chance to mock you a bit' I licked my lips with a reassuring smile just like when you tell a kid that monster under the bed doesn't exist and there is nothing to worry about.
'That's very blithely of you because you risk your chance to taste a dinner that my friend prepared for two of us' Alex gave me a well-made severe look.
'I had no intention to do so' I chuckled, letting my eyes to observe his delusive beautiful irises a little longer than usual, not thinking about the danger of such an action. And it felt so much like real freedom.
'Then let me be at your service tonight' he gracefully kissed my palm and let me go, making his way to the counter. I couldn't help a smile on my face watching him pouring some coffee and preparing the meals so I set behind the counter like a real customer and waited for my "order".
The menu was the best I'd ever had until that night. And I didn't know why the bagels and coffee were so delicious. Maybe, I'd never had proper bagels before or coffee was the highest quality. Maybe, it was the atmosphere around us. Or maybe, everything was simpler than that. Why so many "maybe" when I knew for sure that it was Alex's presence to blame for it? With the sound of his voice and careless talks, everything just seemed ten times better, and my head was spinning with the feeling.
I didn't know if there actually was a world outside that dinner cafe. As I was listening to Alex and chasing after the smallest movements of his, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that something happened and we were left alone. I knew that I could call the night "perfect" but there was something that refused to leave my mind.
'What is it you are thinking about?' Alex asked, leaning on the counter closer to me and drinking his coffee. I draw a line of his arm in the dark denim right to the neck with my glance and dropped it to my own mug. I didn't want to ruin everything but at the same time, I knew I would feel bad without talking about it. As much as great it all looked, I couldn't figure out what was on his mind and how we had to behave later. Because there is always that goddamn "later".
'Tina called me today and asked how everything went' I started with a heavy sigh. Subconsciously, my finger started writing circles on the counter. 'And I told her that it was great and all of this now is so perfect that I can't let myself think that it will last more than this night' I paused and my finger stopped too. 'Maybe, it's stupid to ask but I have to. It seemed like you made your choice and that girl from yesterday is not a thing but I have to hear it to make things clear. Is there any other girl like that or am I your only lover?' I said quietly and raised my glance at Alex, expecting something bad. More like "no" answer. However, I could see the features of Alex's softening in the dark yellow light as it revealed a worry on his face, and I felt a gentle touch of a hand finding mine.
'When I say that I can't give you an eternity, it doesn't mean that I'm not yours and you are not mine for as long as it's possible' he answered in a low tone, calming me with the soft, delicate sound of his voice. Alex's glance was different from the ones that I'd had a chance to see before, and that was so unfamiliar, so intriguing. Just when I thought that I had studied him enough, my favourite worst nightmare showed its hidden unexplored side. Maybe, for the first time in forever, I had to believe all of that.
'But you do have to know that I'm scared of getting hurt' I said, my voice trembling a little. 'Even to the point where I have to repeat it for the thousandth time as if you didn't understand it already' I swallowed something painful in my throat, annoyed with myself about being that "complicated", as they say. But Alex was trouble for me and if I decided to let it happen to me, then I had to say those things once more and never look back.
'I know that I've made it difficult for you since the beginning' he told me, tracing long tangled lines on my hand with his thumb while the glance of his was following it. 'But I didn't plan to think about you as much as I did. It happened to be that I became too involved in this game which I started for fun' Alex stopped, raising his piercing eyes at me. 'February is over but you remain to be my favourite tune. And I know that with things like that you can never be certain but I still know so little about you that it seems like I need to listen to it as much as I get a chance to. I just hope you'll let me'.
I had to breathe properly but I adored him too much that minute, I was fascinated by the touch and caught in the trap of the scent of his cologne. I couldn't believe that Alex was asking me for that kind of thing. A pure confession of his feelings to me. Looking into his eyes I thought about one thing. I understood that I was just not used to be loved.
'I might consider it' I answered quietly and an unwitting smile appeared on my lips, making Alex in front of me chuckle. So softly, so easily, as if it all was just a foolish sweet dream which everybody would call cheesy later. But even though they all say it's disgusting, isn't it what in reality everybody wants?
When you are a character in somebody's book, you are able to do anything. From writing your own story to feeling loved. But in real life, it all seems just a little bit complicated. Because often the games like this end up destroying somebody and there is no such thing like a happy ending for some of us. A broken heart seems like such a cliche thing but how can we call it that when it actually hurts so much and there is nothing that can help?
Probably, that's the reason why I felt so happy just sitting in that empty dinner place with Alex and talking until the sun came out. My plot was different at least for that night and the understanding of it was such a precious thing to experience. Just feeling wanted, desired and fearless. It was all I could ask for and Alex was the one who could give it to me.
As the daylight looked inside the dinner cafe, we looked around surprised to see that the night left without saying goodbye. It was high time to go, just before the cafe would be open again.
It was a cold foggy morning in the city and Alex had a spare key to lock the door before leaving. Waiting for him to do so, I stopped and inhaled a fresh air in my lungs. It was always something strange about staying up all night. It was like you had a power to prolonge yesterday, remember the events of it a little bit longer. I had a job in four hours but that felt like plenty of time.
'I need to have a place like this one day' Alex told me, finishing locking the door and looking at me smiling. His soft hair was messy as if it was the fault of his pillow, and I caught myself on a thought that I wouldn't mind looking at that sight every morning.
'Oh, you'd be pretty good at that. Though, it would be less romantic. Your attitude won't save you from some angry customer who thinks his coffee is not hot enough'.
'I would figure something out, Lili. Don't ruin my dreams' he gave me a well-made resentful look, and I chuckled in the response. Oh, damn, of course, he would figure everything out. The way Alex was was enough to explain how.
'I didn't mean to' I smiled softly. 'I have a question, though'.
'Go ahead'.
'Why did you ask me to wear a dress in that message? Did you plan to take me to dance?' I asked him, suddenly remembering that unimportant detail.
'Well,' Alex smirked smugly, observing me from the head to my toes for the hundredth time that night. 'The reason might be that I just really enjoy looking at your legs'.
'That's not what you had to answer' I was barely holding a smile, feeling a blush coming to my cheeks.
'Don't blame me for the truth' Alex said with a playful note in his tone, and I felt his hand taking mine. It was all too much. 'Let's go get some sleep before I make you completely red. Though I would lie saying I don't enjoy doing so'.
I didn't answer anything, squeezing his hand maybe a little too tightly. We had never done things like that before that morning, and I couldn't decide what to feel. Because happiness sometimes is an overwhelming thing. Especially, when you get something that you'd desired for so long. Going down the street with Alex on my side, I wondered if the perfect night could face the troubles of the upcoming day.
Hey, so I'm in the middle of my exam preparation but instead of trying to get my life together, I'm just posting a new chapter here. Also, getting unnecessary emotional about it for some reason. Well, whatever.
I just hope that all of you are safe and good.
Please, tell me what you think about the chapter in the comments or leave a like so I know. I'd be very grateful. Thank you for all your support! I love you:3
Have you ever thought of simple things as the reasons of your beautiful existence? Have you ever felt that a single detail can make you the happiest person alive? Have you considered something undistinguished as a sense of everything? Talking about me, actually, I don't think I ever have.
That's the problem which I found not soon enough to solve it. It happened that in my life I always noticed only what I wanted to notice. I was convinced that the core of the things is a key to the real truth while the important pieces of it were slipping through my fingers. However, it appeared to be that you always need a careful look at everything to see a completed picture.
I was thinking about it staying in front of Alex in the living room and looking into his eyes. Oh, how badly I loved his torturous dark eyes! He hurt me. It was a core of the problem. And the glance of his was just a detail but such a beautiful detail! It gave me a desire to live that life that evening and I was sure how to prove Alex what I said. Unfortunately or luckily, the destiny didn't allow it to happen.
The doorbell woke up both of us. Me on the threshold of the important move and Alex in the patient anticipation of it. First few seconds we didn't move looking at each other as if waiting for it to be over or appear to be unreal. But it was ringing again and again irritatingly not leaving a chance to pretend it wasn't heard.
Alex gave up the first sighing heavily and giving me an almost apologetic look. He made his way to the door without any eagerness and I turned around to follow his moves. I wanted to see who was the causer of such an improper cut of our play.
'Hey, Alex, I just forgot my phone here...' a soft melodic voice started talking when Alex opened the door and my heart dropped a little.
Of course. It was the woman he was talking about on threshold of his house with a perfect excuse to come back. Was she even planning to take the phone and go or convince him to stay?
'That's a pleasant comeback' Alex answered as if the situation with me standing not far away was completely normal. I was always impressed how he could easily act in every situation. But today I could hear an impatient note in his voice and it made his response sound rather feigned.
The woman had a black raven hair and cunning glance which reminded me of Cassie. Though, her nude lips and brown eyeshadows which complimented her hazelnut eyes were way too classic. It was giving me an impression she was more like Janet. But the way she was standing and looking at Alex not paying attention to my presence told me she was a way more complicated type.
'Meet Lili. She is my unexpected guest today' he added in a smooth voice after a small pause making me slightly uncomfortable. Alex's glance made his way to mine as if trying to help me to get through the moment. Unexpectedly.
'Well, it's a pleasure to meet Alex's friends. I'm Karla' she smiled deliciously but sent her expression to Alex throwing me a brief look. What, "friends"? Yeah, that's accurate!
'Nice to meet you too' I said quietly raising my chin a little. What a lie.
'Anyway' Alex smoothly dropped the topic. 'Where did you leave your phone? I'll go and get it for you'.
'Uh... I assume it's in the living room... Or kitchen where we had dinner' Karla answered almost dreamily pushing the lock of her black hair behind her ear. Her eyes with long lashes seduced Alex with an expressive flash and she stepped a bit closer in his direction. Woah, that's something. Or was it specially for me to watch?
'OK, wait a minute' Alex said not really affected by her gestures and went to find Karla's phone. We were left alone looking at each other uneasily. Damn.
'So, are you leaving already or staying? I have a taxi waiting for me so we could share it' Karla told me all of a sudden watching me carefully and studying my face. I had to admit, it was a very creative way to find out what she wanted. Boldly but not too suspiciously.
'Well, actually...' I started not really sure what to say. I couldn't even decide myself if I should have stayed. But wait, why shouldn't I? 'Thank you for your offer but I unfortunately, I can't take it' I saw her smile fading and heard the steps of Alex's behind my back. I didn't know what got into me but when Karla was about to say something I added straight from the shoulder: 'I'm staying the night, that's why'.
The glance of Karla flashed surprised with the words that came out of my mouth. However, I was standing there with no shame looking at her as if I had an actual right to do so. For the first time in my life I had a courage to say what I wanted to say even if it wasn't true. Just because I wanted.
'Well... Then...' Karla started but saw Alex coming from behind my back and plastered a smile on her face. I guess, the little moment we shared was enough for her to understand that she wouldn't have stayed more. Have I really done that?
'Here it is' Alex appeared next to us and handed Karla her phone. She nodded thankfully and I saw a glimpse of perplexity on her expression. 'I guess, I'll call you later' he added simply leaving her no chance to prolong the visit.
'Yes, thank you. See you' Karla answered with a well-made polite smile and looked at me once more before going away. Her eyes were of a dark brown color but she couldn't hide the fact that she wasn't pleased by the whole situation. In the duel of glances we shared I didn't drop her gaze even though I really wanted to.
Only a moment passed and the door was closed. Karla's image vanished from the living room where we were surprisingly left for ourselves like nothing happened. And I somehow knew that that was the way things should have been.
'So' Alex pronounced cocking his eyebrow and a smug smirk made its way to his lips for the first time that evening. God, I'd missed that. 'I heard some rumors about you staying at my place for a night. And it's kind of weird because I don't remember us discussing that' his eyes played a sly game with me making me want to smile. So habitually but so nicely.
'Well, that's because the rumors lied' I answered not being able to hold my smile back.
'Oh, did they?' Alex made a skillful fake shock expression. 'I highly doubt that. I have very reliable sources, believe me' he acted his best role making an accent on the word "very".
'Then you should pick your sources carefully next time' I stated foolishly-seriously.
'My bad, then. Maybe, I really should' his smirk was smug but somehow warm and that was so unexpected after the harsh moment we'd had before that evening. It was like looking at a saving sunrise after a horrible stormy night and it felt like the phrase "I'm not interested anymore" was said hundreds of those nights ago. 'Anyways, we were in the middle of you proving something'.
'Oh, Mr Turner, this little moment with Karla is the best proof to me'.
'I think I may need another believable argument' Alex grinned shamelessly. How was it possible for a person to give you so much struggle and so much joy at the same time? How could I call that special form of affection?
'You said you wasn't interested' I teased.
'I had to provoke you. It was nice to hear the words but I needed you to make some action. And it worked, you were about to kiss me' he stated smugly looking at me attentively. Maybe, for the first time I would have liked to look at myself from his perspective. Something in that glance of Alex's was special that night and I wondered why.
'I guess, I was' I sighed deeply not loosing his glance.
And I should have been severe but I guess I didn't have any more strength to keep going. I was so tired of that game we'd playing with each other for about a month that I suddenly felt something mellowing inside me.
'So would you now?' he asked softly and unbelievably gently. I heard the silence once again that evening but this time it was playing up to us. Alex's expression became the only clear image in my vision.
'Of course, I would' I said in an almost whisper and saw a slight glimpse of relieve in him.
I made my step closer to Alex with no delay and instantly felt two hands making their way under my coat to the silky fabric of my dress. He hugged me closer to his body and I felt the eagerness in his slightly hurried breath. My waist became a perfect form for Alex's hands. So naturally, so freely dizzying my head in just a matter of habit, reminding gently that there was no such alternative.
I put my hands on Alex's shoulders and a thought to stop snicked through my head. I tried to push it back at first but when his lips touched a spot under my ear, I knew there was just a little control left. He got me weak and vulnerable, melting in his arms, forgetting about anything else. I felt it before, every time Alex touched me was incomparable, special in some indescribable way.
But in that moment when his lips were about to find mine I felt something else, something foreign. My hand travelled all the way to Alex's cheekbone brushing it with my knuckles. I didn't know when I caught his eyes but when I looked into them, somehow I understood that they were admiring me. Feeling me, wanting me, chasing after my glance. And I found myself lost in the realization.
'What if I said I wasn't interested in kissing you anymore?' I didn't know where I got the words to whisper when we were so close. And my voice wasn't exactly mine.
'Then I would call you a liar and do it anyway' Alex answered in the most serious way possible and touched my lips with his.
I think that even on that night we'd spent before I hadn't felt so desired in front of him. When we were kissing passionately I had a strong conviction that Alex damn Turner needed me as much as I needed him and that was the most beautiful thing on Earth. And what did make that change? Perhaps, my confession. Perhaps, two weeks being apart and silent. Or maybe, we felt it just for a moment.
'It was lovely, Mr Turner' I was gasping for air when we pulled back and the red lipstick on my lips was completely ruined. Luckily. 'But today, despite the rumors, I should go'.
'No, Lili, you can't leave like this' he frowned at me almost resentfully and my name slipped from his tongue more like a caramel. Alex's hands held me tighter. 'I just got a small taste of what it's like to hold you again and that's torturous'.
'To hear you talking like that is something very unfamiliar' I hid a small smile but my cheeks blushed without any permission. 'But anyway, I think you'll be okay here all by yourself'.
'I am not sure about that. Anything can happen'.
'For example?' I looked at him playing to be concerned.
'Uh, I don't know. God forbid, I would sit down and write a cheesy song about you'.
'I'm sure that no one will complain' I answered giving him a soft smile I didn't know I was holding back. It was all about Alex's glance that captured me leaving no chance to be angry about his performance earlier. What an idiot you can become being affected by someone like him.
'I will!' he said in a small laugh looking at me offended. I think it was like eleven o'clock at night.
'Not my concern' I shrugged with a sly glance. This game was so different from what we'd played before. I almost got lost in between the rules not knowing what would be appropriate and what I should have been careful of.
'You will go despite all I've said, won't you?' Alex leaned closer to me studying my features from a different angle. I nodded slowly. 'Then I should see you tomorrow?'
'Tomorrow is like less then hour away from us' I told him pointing at the clock.
'Then lucky me' was the smirky response.
I escaped from Alex's grip and buttoned up my coat. He leaned at the wall not losing his gaze from my figure. The bright light penetrated everywhere but couldn't reach the shadows of his. I could see it on his cheek, down the arm and on the wall right next to Alex. I loved his details and I didn't pay attention to the fact that it wasn't just a simple observation of a writer. Right there right at that moment we were lovers and I was absorbing every single second of it.
And you know, maybe, I could get used to that state of things. Somewhere in a back of my head I hid the thought that if I had done that, it wouldn't have been for long. But I'd already come too far. So screw it.
'I'll see you, Mr Turner' I stated seriously as if I had a strong conviction that what I'd said was true. However, you never know when it's the last time you say goodbye. Unfortunately, some promises are never kept.
'I'll see you, Lili'.
I left his house sniffing a cold March air like I'd never breathed before. The sky was anthracite above me with no stars but it didn't bother me at all. I had that weird feeling when you are finally happy but everything is so much that you need to have a minute alone with yourself. That's why I couldn't stay at Alex's that night.
I caught a taxi and told the driver to go to the city bridge. I didn't feel like going home or to Tina's because my head was full of thoughts and the night streets behind the windows were the only thing that could distract me from it. The blinding lights allowed my glance to get lost in the impressionistic picture the night had created and it was so carefree somehow.
'Your stop, Ms' I heard the driver saying and came back to reality as the car stopped near the city bridge. Waiting for my response he lit the cigarette and made a slow puff.
'Thank you' I said handing him the money and opened the door but my eyes caught the driver's tired look in the front mirror misted with smoke. I had a strange feeling inside me.
'Sorry, but may I ask you for a cigarette? I can pay for it' I asked him all of a sudden not really sure what leaded me that minute. The driver seemed to be not surprised at all.
'Here' he gave it to me indifferently with a gesture that said that no money was needed and when I put it on my lips, lit it without any requests.
I took a brief look at his driver's face and saw a pair of dull eyes and a beard of a man who was in his mid 30s. His tired expression told me that he was a person with problems but not a bad one and I had a weird desire to talk to him like in some hella drama movie. I'm sure, that was the effect of the night.
'Would it be weird if I sat with you and smoke in the car?' I asked him making a slow puff and putting my hand out from the open window to let the smoke dancing on the wind.
'I don't mind. I've seen some lonely night passengers like you' the driver answered quietly but loud enough for me to hear. I glanced at the shiny city bridge behind the window and made a puff again. My head was about to spin from the feeling of all of it.
'Don't you have somewhere to be?' I said out of curiosity. I never really smoked, it was just a moment where I did.
'Of course, I do' he told me making a puff too but I didn't see him enjoying the cigarette. 'You know, someone said that it's really pleasant to make a pause when you are in a big hurry. That's what I do all the time'.
'I guess, today I made a pause as well' I revealed sincerely. Because I knew we would have never seen each other again and that was the reason I wanted to start a conversation. 'Today I got what I wanted for so long but left in the middle of everything for a short break'.
'Good for you. The best moment is the one before the very beginning of the show so enjoy it' the driver's voice was low and the glance distant. I had a feeling that he was talking about something personal not really noticing my presence. 'Now let's turn the radio on' all of a sudden he snapped out of his thoughts and turned on the small radio.
I heard music starting to quietly play and the words of the song filled the air:
Mad sounds, in your ears
Make you feel alright...
From the first note the voice of the singer seemed somehow familiar and as the song was playing I started to listen way more carefully:
Mad sounds in your ears,
Make you get up and dance,
Make you get up...
The bridge behind the window was shimmering giving us a perfect view but I couldn't concentrate on it. Where could I hear that voice?
Suppose you've gotta do what you've gotta to do,
We just weren't feeling how we wanted to...
That deep, velvety, seducing voice?
You sit and try sometimes,
But you just can't figure out what went wrong...
'Do you know who is playing on the radio?' I asked the driver with an endless hope for a positive answer.
'Yeah, of course' he looked at me a bit surprised.
Then out of nowhere somebody hits you with an..
'It's Arctic Monkeys'.
Ooh la la la, ooh la la la, ooh la la la, ooh
Ooh la la la, ooh la la la, ooh la la la, ooh
I didn't answer him. Perhaps, the driver suspected something from the foolish smile on my face that appeared right after his answer. That was a long evening and such a strange ending to it was all I could dream about.
You got those mad sounds, in your ears
To make you get up and dance...
My cigarette was almost burned out and there I was in a taxi car with a stranger looking at the city bridge behind the window. And I don't know why but recalling the memory of the last kiss we shared I was somehow happy. I was sure that the next day would bring something unbelievably exciting or the day after that. All I hoped for was that the enigmatical "something" would be connected with a certain someone whose voice was filling the air with an:
Ooh la la la, ooh la la la, ooh la la la, ooh
Ooh la la la, ooh la la la, ooh la la la, ooh
Hey guys! A new chapter. Hope that you liked it so please, let me know what you think❤️ It's been a kind of tough time for me to write. How are you all doing? Take care, guys! It's very important nowadays with the virus thing going on.
Also, thank you very much as always for all your support. I really appreciate that. Love you with all my heart💞
P.S. If you have any suggestions for my writing or just something you want to say to me, please be free to do it. I am open for any kind of communication!
It's pretty difficult sometimes to admit your feelings. It's almost funny to understand how strong and carefree you want to seem to other people standing in front of a fear to be happy in love. But as I found out, for some reason it never works.
Pretending and lying are actually not very bad ways to hide your emotions. They are pretty effective sometimes if you act good enough and talk not too much. But the thing is that sooner or later you can't do that anymore and everything breaks down inside you making it only so much worse.
I was laying on the green floral couch and staring at the ceiling. The thoughts were enveloping my mind with a fog of illusions as the quiet slow music was playing on the background. My body felt heavy on the soft couch but I didn't really pay attention. The atmosphere around felt like another dimension and my mind was intensely thinking. It had been 2 weeks since the coffee shop meeting but I was sitting on my hands with no understanding what to do next.
I was playing the game of pretending and lying with myself. The artificiality of all the masks I tried to wear was perfectly seen and there was no way to escape the truth. I was trying to hide from the reality in my own bubble. However, it seemed like I didn't make any progress in that.
'Which one? Pink or yellow?' I heard a voice through the fog of my thoughts and raise my head to look at its owner. Tina was standing in front of me and holding two dresses in her hands looking at me in an anticipation.
'Uh, I don't know... Maybe, the pink one would be fine' I answered trying to give Tina a convincing look but she didn't buy it.
We'd been hanging out in her apartment since she'd been dressing up for a date with Jules. It appeared to be that they got along really good together on that day in the coffee shop and he instantly asked her out. I was supposed to help but could barely concentrate on anything.
'Oh, come on' she sighed annoyingly. 'You know that I hate when you are like that. I've picked the dress already but I just wanted to distract you from your current state. You think too much and it's unhealthy'.
'I know, right?' I answered feeling a little bit guilty about not paying attention to Tina's date. It's funny how wrapped up a person could be in its own problems. 'I'm sorry for being so useless but I can't stop thinking about that situation with Alex. This weird heavy feeling in my chest doesn't let me do anything'.
'Oh, darling,' Tina looked at me knowingly like an older sister who had some life experience, like a caring mom - with no judjement but a deep understanding. 'Have you considered this feeling in your chest as a proof that you need to do something, to act?'
'But what can I do? He is probably with Cassie or somebody else and doesn't need me at all' I said desperately feeling myself like a hurt child.
'If Alex is with someone it's only because you are afraid of revealing your true feelings. You are being a fool. Basically, ruining your own happiness' the truth slipping through Tina's strawberry lips was spreading around the dimly lit room wishing to escape out the window into the cold darkness and I coudn't handle it. I knew Tina was right and I felt guilty but somehow I would have liked those words to break away. 'You should go to him and say everything about your feelings. Don't think about the consequences just for once. You never know it before you try it, am I right?'
I looked into Tina's bright eyes with hesitation. All she'd said earlier was true from the first letter to the last dot and I had no arguments to contradict. Perhaps, for the first time in forever I should have made an important step or lose something very precious.
'You are' I sighed heavily standing up from my spot on the couch as if being tired of not moving. The tune was still quietly playing on the background but somehow we manged not to notice it.
'Perfect!' she exclaimed enthusiastically. 'Now put a smile on that pretty face of yours and dress up! You have to look stunning' I tried to resist Tina's behavior in vain by saying something but actually couldn't hear those words myself. Probably, because of the intoxicating inspiration that somehow Tina was radiating.
In less then an hour I was standing in front of the huge mirror in Tina's hallway and looking at my posture. I was impressed not to see it oozing away in a dim mild lights of the evening apartment. But that was surely because of my knee-length black satin dress. The light was playing on it in silver waves and giving my figure a little more of frailness that I didn't expect to see.
My hair was laying in lazy locks on my bare shoulders without a need to curl it. I didn't look dressed up for a party but more like for a small special occasion that required just a little more effort than usually. It would be perfect to make a final touch and add a smile to my face but that could be possible in some other dimension. I was too nervous to do it.
'So, listen to me' Tina pronounced with a small smirk on her red glittery lips and handing me my coat. She was quite proud of herself. 'This look is not about being pretty for Alex but about feeling more confident, remember?'
'Can't believe that I'm actually doing this but yes' I sighed heavily putting on my coat.
'Good luck, dear' Tina smiled in a soft way leaving a sweet pleasant imprint on me and opened the door. I nodded gratefully resisting an urge to say too much and went away. I caught myself on a thought that I remembered her smile, though.
It was still pretty cold at night as the spring decided to make a slow and sure entrance giving me a little more time to feel that the winter hadn't left forever. It didn't feel like March that evening. The short road from taxi to Alex's house reminded me of a chase that winter made for me. The unmelted snow under my shoes caused a loud cracking sound every time I made a step. The sound was making me too nervous for my liking and I wanted to reach the door as fast as I could.
His house remained as I remembered it on the party where Matt had invited me. The windows were shining in the night like unknown space objects in a black matter. In thousands of light years around you wouldn't find such a precious light. The light that showed me some very important knowledge: Alex was home.
I rang the doorbell in a soft touch of my fingers as if a wrong move could destroy everything in the future conversation that I was planning to have. However, the minute passed and the door was opened leaving me no chance to escape my intentions.
'Lili?' the habitual tone of Alex's cashmere voice somehow felt too loud when I saw his black, almost metal eyes setting on me. 'What are you doing here?' with the next words of his I felt a familiar trembling spreading inside my body and recalled in my mind the night I'd asked Alex the same question.
'I came to talk. May I come in?' I didn't recognize my voice as the tone of it was unnaturally neutral like I was some sort of machine with two sentences in a memory card. Alex listened to me carefully and studying my features as if trying to understand something hidden from the eyes but didn't say anything about that aloud.
'Be my guest' he answered casually but there was no smirk. I wondered if his mood was my creation or something happened earlier.
I stepped inside the house and Alex left me with a decision to close the door or go away making his way to the armchair in the living room. I swallowed my last hesitation and closed the door only to face him already sitting in the armchair and looking at me expectingly. That wasn't a good beginning.
'So? I'm listening' Alex pronounced in an almost tired way slowly closing his eyes for a second and making himself comfortable in the armchair. Now I could finally observe him which was a very bad habit of mine.
The lights were bright and I could see his unnaturally simple look with a black t-shirt and light blue jeans. It instantly made me anxious about all dressing up situation me and Tina had created earlier. Alex's hair was still perfectly looking, though it didn't really suit his today's sharp and serious features. His hands were laying on the armpits too lazily and it felt like a forgotten detail with the smirk that was somehow lost.
'I was wondering if we could talk once more about the things that have happened between us' I finally said quietly feeling myself like a defendant in front of the judge. It was needless to say that not only I didn't make any attempts to sit but completely forgot to move at all.
'Wasn't you the one who made everything clear near the coffee shop a while ago?' Alex's answer was painfully neutral without a hint of a tease as the eyes of his were giving me a pitiful impression. I surely didn't expect a warm welcome but his behavior seemed absolutely freezing.
'Yeah, I know, but...' I felt my heart beating racing all of a sudden as if noticing that I had a working heart in my chest. 'I rethinked everything from the very beginning only to understand that I was wrong...' the words appeared to be too heavy to pronounce and I couldn't find the way to continue.
'Is that so?' he asked me raising a brow and for the first time looking at me with a slight interest like I'd told him a random fact from Wikipedia. He made a move taking a glass with what looked like whiskey from the small table near the armchair but not making a sip. 'That's interesting' he pronounced simply and gave me an estranged expression. I bet his glance could tell me more but I was a little afraid to know the truth.
'I know that all of it sounds foolishly...' I continued slowly putting my hands in the pocket of my coat in order not to reveal the nervousness but somehow couldn't look straight into his eyes. I was making excuses to look at the floor or couch, the small unimportant details of his environment or the arms of Alex's. Just not the black misted eyes. 'But I came to say how I truly feel about you and...' I said those words from my heart but something instantly felt wrong. Alex listened carefully and I pronoinced the words clearly but none of it seemed to make any sense. He didn't make any move and didn't change his glance. Like I was the TV showing some unfamiliar program Alex wasn't interested to watch but was too lazy to turn off.
I couldn't understand what exactly made me feel that way and started slowly losing any kind of focus on the situation when I suddenly saw a glass of whine on the small table. I freezed on my spot noticing a mark of a pink lipstick on it...
That's when I finally understood everything and turned my head to meet Alex's lustrous eyes. In the endless deepness of their orbs I saw that he knew what I'd spotted. He enjoyed every second of that moment torturing me with an ignorance. The features of his all of a sudden become so easy and pleasant that I couldn't believe that change. Alex made a sip of whiskey not leaving my eyes and swallowed it when I saw a devilish pleased smirk painting his lips.
'I was waiting for you to stop saying things I already know and notice something crucially important. I'm a little disappointed it took you so long' I was breathing heavily looking at him and listening to the soft calm overtones in his voice. My heart was pounding in my chest but I didn't let it to give up me. I was trying to avoid the thought that I didn't know what to do because the turn of events appeared to be unbearable.
'Please, jump to the conclusions. We are wasting time, darling' his smile was as sweet as honey but the only drop of poison in it was making me sick.
'Why don't you just say yourself and stop making it a play?' I was brave enough to say it and my voice wasn't shaking. All the strength in the world was needed not to show Alex my real feelings.
'Would you rather me told you that I'd spent an evening with a woman I like straight away?' the way he told me that sentence was way to casual for the damage it caused to my chest. I heard those words as if they were somewhere on the distance moving to me slowly so I could process the meaning. Alex's smirk was habitual but his eyes were cruel to me absorbing every emotion on my face. I guess, I should have been prepared for something like that but I wasn't.
'Oh, then...' I started and absolutely hated the way I sounded.
'Then what, darling?' Alex asked me cunningly and stood up from his spot. His slowly steps on the soft carpet of the living room sounded cruelly and I realized that he stopped in a reach of a hand studying my posture. A small grin was dancing on his lips and I guess that was the thing that was killing me the most.
'Look at you...' Alex pronounced slowly putting everything on a pause and deceiving me softly with a shake of his head. 'I bet you prepared for this conversation like for a good play yourself' his glance draw a line down my figure traveling through the fabric of my coat straight to the thin satin waves of the black dress.
'So, you don't like it?' I managed to say quietly offering a sincerity in my glance. I didn't want to think about another woman. All I wanted to know was what Alex's T-shirt was like to touch and let myself to breathe his dizzily dangerous cologne. But I didn't understand where all of it was leading us and it became scary.
'I never said I don't' Alex smirked looking at me from under his eyelashes. The light danced on his sharp cheekbones.
'Then maybe, you liked that woman not that much' I dared to tell him simply even though that was more difficult than I expected. The room felt too big for me and the carpet we were staying at reminded of a lonely island in the ocean of trouble. I wasn't sure if we could get out of it being happy.
'Oh, I liked her a lot, actually' he chuckled stepping closer to me and looking into my eyes calmly, deeply but still a little distantly hiding the truth from me in the dark corners of his irises. 'You see, we met a few days ago' Alex grabbed my hand in his carefully watching the moves of his fingers on mine. I knew I couldn't let myself feel the pain from his words. 'And the connection between us was felt instantly' I swallowed bitterly. 'Today I invited her to my house but the strange thing is...' he made a fake thoughtful expression. 'I didn't ask her to stay. You know, as if expecting someone' Alex's eyes were shiny as the room wasn't poorly lit at all but I couldn't see the real motive behind them. As if he was playing with me in some game the rules of which only he was allowed to know.
'Who?' I swallowed the anticipation of the answer that was surely impossible but so desirable. My hand in Alex's was slightly shaking.
'You would like to hear that it was you, don't you?' he smiled at me simply but I'd rather he added a hint of a tease to it because all of it felt way too serious.
'I'd like to hear that more than anything' I answered without thinking. I hadn't noticed how Alex'd become so close to me until I could feel his hot breath on my face.
'Seems a bit selfish to me, don't you think?' asked his unbelievably quiet voice brushing my ear with a sound of it and the room fell into silence. 'Coming after nearly 2 weeks and expecting me to sit here and wait until you come and tell me that you are wrong' Alex chuckled mercilessly giving me a shiver. 'Although, I have to say, I appreciate that delightful gesture of yours. It was such a pleasure to experience' he brought my hand in his own one to his lips and gave it a slight kiss finding my glance. The distance between us was almost nothing. 'But the truth is, my dear...' black eyes of his laughed at me and I knew it was for bad. 'I am not interested anymore'.
I felt the heaviness of the moment falling deep inside me as if in an irresistible urge to show me how addicted I was to the answer Alex had to give me. My fingers slipped from his without a tight grip and fell to my side reminding me where it really belonged to. Something beyond description was hidden in his eyes but the features of his were awfully calm.
'Is that because of the woman you've told me about?' I asked Alex bluntly. For God's sake.
'Why wouldn't it be?' he answered cocking a brow teasingly like we were still playing. He turned around and got a glass of whiskey from the table drinking the rest of the liquid.
'You make it sound so easy' I heard myself saying with no emotion.
'Because everything is simple as hell, my darling' he answered with a small grin, though my eyes caught something slightly bitter in it. 'Things change even if you are completely certain that they will last forever'.
'I don't believe you'.
'And I won't persuade you' Alex said abruptly returning the glass to the table.
I couldn't understand how I could manage that conversation without spilling my emotions. Somewhere inside me I was ready to slap the door and escape from his unbearable behavior.
'You know, I'd like to say, though, it's kind of funny. The Universe is a huge place for anyone like you and me. You know, so much to do and so much to see. Things to think about' he was smiling slightly as if telling me a carefully prepared joke. 'And still somebody like you and me manage to wrap our mind around just one single thing this evening. Thinking about the fact that there was actually more between us to come...'
'Yes, there is more' I interrupted him eagerly not having a patience to listen. 'Because, damn it, Alex...' his name slipped from my tongue unintentionally without any permission. 'I know that you want me just like I want you' my voice cracked and the evening record of the song that was playing between us finally stopped. Alex's grin vanished giving me some chills. The unavoidable glance of his eyes was suddenly triumphal.
'Then prove it' he said simply but with a strong insistence hiding in the overtones of his voice.
We both knew what I needed to do. It was finally my turn to reveal my affection in all its colors no matter how scaring it felt. But as it always happens in cliche stories, when I was about to make a step in Alex's direction we heard a sound of a doorbell inexorably crashing our silence into small, sharp pieces.
Hey, so it's been a while. Thank you for still reading this if you are reading. Been through some tough time dealing with heartbreak and hoping for things to work out which actually didn't. But that's OK.
Here comes an important life lesson not to run after someone who hesitates if he/she wants to be with you and not let anyone think that you will always be there waiting until they decide. Treat yourself better, forgive yourself for all the mistakes in the past and remember that nothing is eternal so waste no time to speak about your feelings.
Anyway, this fic is alive and I'm planning on continuing. Hope that everything is good with all of you. Please, tell me your opinion on this chapter or write whatever you like to me. I'd appreciate that❤️
P.S. I've been into Eminem lately and can't get over his music. Do you have any new music preferences?
Why do things get so tangled sometimes? So tangled that one day you start losing the original idea of what you want. People around say: "Oh God, make your choice already" and you realize that it's absolutely impossible. You are puzzled.
And I'd never been puzzled before that time of my life. I always knew things about people. Matt was good, my neighbours were bad and Tina seemed to be more good than bad. But what about Alex?
That question didn't let me sleep at night because after that sweet gesture of his with a farewell kiss I couldn't stop rethinking everything. Yes, I wanted it to be a one-time thing but how could I help myself? I called into question all of my decisions the minute Alex went away through the door and didn't know what to do with it.
'So, you're trying to say that all this time you haven't been ill, you've just locked yourself in your apartment because of Alex?' with the wide-open astonishing green eyes asked Tina as we were crossing the road on the busy street the next week. We met up to go to the coffee shop because I had finally answered her call and there was no way to escape the explanation.
The morning was cold but sunny and Tina was in one of her best moods. One of those moods when she painted her lips red and put on a cute coat to brighten up the world emulating the sun. Guys on the street were searching for her glance as she walked by all bright and spring-like. I was worried about their necks.
'Actually, no' I answered stepping on the sidewalk and fixed my hair nervously trying not to look at my colleague. 'I just wanted to avoid him'.
I didn't really want to tell Tina everything but at that current state of my mind, I needed to ask someone for advice. And she seemed to be the only one suitable option.
'Oh, hell. Why did you think that it was a good idea?' said Tina resentfully and I thought that she was feeling it too much. 'He cares for you. I saw that with my own eyes and they never lie to me' she put her hands not far away from her eyes in a funny way as if showing me the evidence.
'Well, it doesn't really matter because everything turned out to be not as I expected it. I met him at the bar and he told me that he would get what he wanted anyway' I told her with the most neutral face expression in the world. Like I read it as a fact in an encyclopaedia.
'Are you kidding me? That's awesome!' she smiled at me widely like a kid finally seeing its mom.
'Yeah... Kind of...' I mumbled trying not to stumble on people on the sidewalk. 'And also...' I suddenly stopped giving her the first look of that morning. I thought it would be better to rip off the plaster from the wound fast. 'We might have had a night together and I might have kicked him out after that' I pronounced with a held breath as quickly as I could. After the moment of silence, I just kept walking down the sidewalk not waiting for her response. Foolishly.
'You what?!' I heard her running after me. 'Hold on, hold on' Tina caught up with me. 'First of all, you two having a night together is some kind of a movie coming to real-life' she was pattering the words like some electronic machine and I couldn't help but smile watching her expression. 'Second of all, I'm not surprised by your decision but I don't approve of it. You had a night with a fucking Alex Turner! And what you did? Just sent him away. Ridiculous!'
'With Alex Turner, right! You act like he is some kind of famous person' I answered annoyingly furrowing my brows.
'You know, there are times when I think that you live in some kind of different world. Let me show you something' with these words Tina grabbed my hand and in a minute we were at the press shop.
'Do you have anything about Alex Turner today?' Tina asked the cashier and the woman replied kindly:
'Alex Turner? Oh, let me see' she made a brooding face. 'Yes, here he is' the cashier waved her hands and pointed at the fresh newspapers and magazines not far away from us. When my eyes found the familiar anthracite hair and black eyes on one of the covers I became numb.
Tina was right. There he was, on the fresh photos of the news standing on the stage with guitar in his hands surrounded by a crowd. A usual smirk was making a tandem with the deceitful glance of Alex's eyes on every picture and I knew that I'd missed something highly important. "An astonishing performance by AM last night at the...", "Every AM fan is obsessed with its frontman Alex...", "Alex Turner about working on a new album..." and so on, and so on, and so on. My head was ready to explode receiving so much information at once and I couldn't believe everything I saw.
'There he is' Tina broke the silence as we were observing the press. A smug strawberry smile appeared on her lips.
'I guess I just really don't notice things around me' I pronounced in a distant voice.
Alex felt like talent but didn't seem like fame and only that day I understood how actually strange it was. I guess I never really thought about it. I imagined Alex as some person out of time and space with nothing labelled on him and at the press shop he suddenly felt too real. And that was a scary feeling.
'See? You don't even know him. How can you judge his feelings?' her question sounded like echo for me for a moment. Damn, I really didn't know anything about Alex Turner.
'Seems like you are right' I sighed heavily. As if everything hadn't been difficult to that moment, a new sophistication came to the stage of our play. I should have definitely cleared my thoughts and find a proper solution but it wasn't that simple.
'Think about that before falling asleep today. Meanwhile, let's go grab some coffee' Tina encouraged me and we exited the press shop.
Only then I found out that Tina bought a magazine with Alex on the cover. For me.
The road to the coffee shop was lost in my memory so the only thing I remember was already walking into it. Standing by the counter we were chatting abruptly as I was observing the shop and once again thinking about Alex.
The queue was long and I was getting bored but the moment I'd thought that at least nothing bad could have happened, the destiny kindly decided to prove me wrong.
'Lili!' I heard the voice somewhere not far away from me and turned my head only to see Jules standing up from one of the booths on the other side of the coffee shop. He was waving and encouraging me to come closer.
And I admit, I'd been glad to see him. But only until the moment I reached the booth and saw 2 other visitors at the table. You've probably already guessed at least one of them.
'Lili, what a pleasing surprise to see you here!' Jules invited me into a hug and from his shoulder, I could see a pair of black mocking eyes already set on me. With no intention to leave.
'Yeah, I'm glad to see you too' I mumbled when I pulled from a hug. I was trying not to look at Alex's direction but it was hard not to feel his presence when he was right there, in the reach of a hand. A smirk made its way to his lips habitually the moment he noticed my nervousness.
'You remember Alex?' Jules asked me with a genuine expression on his face. Alex suppressed laughter.
'I surely do' I pronounced throwing a look at my nightmare and accidentally meeting his orbs. An instantaneous chemical reaction happened. Just him and I were left.
'How is it going, Lili?' Alex winked at me shamelessly but Jules paid no attention. Oh, that was a disaster.
'And this is Cassie, she is a good friend of mine' Jules introduced the girl that was sitting next to Alex and giving him some interesting looks.
She was quite a beauty with her raven black hair and light grey eyes even though the name "Cassie" didn't suit her at all. She seemed too carefree and relaxed for that and her lips in a dark violet colour were telling me she was one of a kind. But the important question was: what did Alex think of her?
'Nice to meet you, Lili. Join us at our table' Cassie smiled in a "whatever" way and whispered something to Alex. They laughed. Oh, God.
'Yeah, it would be nice but...' I started making up an excuse when I was interrupted.
'Lili, where did you go?' right, Tina appeared just in time. 'Oh, Alex, glad to see you'.
'The pleasure is all mine' he answered in the most honey way possible and gave Tina one of his best looks. What the fuck was going on?
'Who's that beautiful lady with you, Lili?' Jules asked sweetly and I had to introduce Tina to everybody. When she sat in the booth starting a very fascinating conversation with Jules, I knew that there was no way to escape. The pleading eyes of Tina left me no choice so I sat at the booth just in front of Alex and Cassie. Marvellous.
'So, Lili, do you have a boyfriend?' that was the first thing Cassie asked me with the most bored expression in the world when I opened my mouth to start an awkward conversation. I surely didn't expect her to be so straight from the very beginning of our meeting and threw a full of confusion look at Alex but all I got back was a grin. Of course, it was fun for him.
'I don't see why it should be the topic of our conversation' I answered calmly.
'Don't be so boring, Lili' Cassie licked her lips in a lazy way giving me back the attention I didn't need. After giving up on any help from Alex I was trying not to look in his direction and that was slowly but surely killing me. 'It can be seen. You have that sad and depressing mark on your face that tells me you have a story to tell. What's wrong? Has the subject of your dreams done something bad or you are the one to blame for your problems?'
'You are way too interested in my personal life for a person who has met me ten minutes ago' my voice was confident, I wasn't afraid of Cassie. I was concerned only about the person that was sitting right next to her and I could feel his eyes watching me. However, I set the goal not to look at Alex until the end of that difficult conversation.
'Oh, come on, don't you know that the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" make every conversation so much more interesting?' Cassie didn't seem impressed by my answer, more like she'd been expecting it from the very beginning. 'Especially, when behind these labels we find someone like Alex Turner, do you agree?' she asked me but turned her head to look at Alex.
In that moment her violet lips in the light of the window were perfectly shaped and the darkness of her essence was talking to Alex with a cunning aim to flirt. Her eyes were shimmering with a desire to have the small fight between them when he would pretend to say "no" and she would not agree.
It seemed like Alex liked Cassie's behaviour thanks to his cocky expression and that actually hurt. Yes, I stole one glance at him to see his reaction.
Actually, there was nothing shocking about it. Mr Turner was a heartbreaker and he liked someone like Cassie, all challenging and straight. So when Cassie's long fingers touched Alex's cheek in a move that could be called "Oops, I did it on purpose" he let her.
'I don't think you need my agreement' I said swallowing the unpleasant feeling of what I'd seen a moment ago. That wasn't a clever response. It was too obvious that I was uncomfortable but at that moment I just couldn't manage it.
I threw a brief look at Alex again screwing all my attempts in a search for something in his features that could calm me but his expression was unreadable and enigmatic as always. I was starting to feel my heart beating fastening its speed and my palms sweating so I had to escape to do something about it.
'I'm sorry, I need to make a call. I'll be back in a minute' I mumbled as fast as I could and not waiting for their response made my way to the exit.
My breath was unsteady when I felt a cold air cooling my heated cheeks. I had to calm down but that was harder than I thought. The pictures of two of them were spinning in my head. When did I become so touchy?
Cassie was flirting with Alex shamelessly but why wouldn't she? She was beautiful and charming and he was... Well, it was needless to say anything about him. All of it was so logical and natural and so on and so on. But why did I react so expressively?
I wasn't able to clear my thoughts, I was starring at the blue morning sky and breathing heavily. God knows how much time passed when I was starting to feel myself getting cold on the frosty weather.
'Your friend was concerned you were lost' I heard a serious velvety voice behind me when I was about to go back. I didn't lose my courage and I wasn't deceived by its tone. I've felt every hidden note of mock just where its owner left it.
'And of course, you were so unbelievably kind to go and look for me' I've turned around to face Alex with poisonous words leaving my tongue. He chuckled appreciating the sarcasm.
'Oh, I've told her the gossip that you were upset exiting the shop and she reassured me I was the only one who could fix that' his eyes were laughing and all of his essences were talking to me complacently while he was lighting up the cigarette. I couldn't believe it felt so habitual.
'Well, then she gave you a wrong impression' I said as neutrally as I could but failed a little. Alex smiled making a puff.
'You know, I'd like you to see yourself the way I have the opportunity to see' his black eyes were piercing me with its never-ending deepness. Just like every time before I felt myself starting to blush under Alex's attentive stare. 'You are so furious and maybe even upset. I feel how your heart is beating faster and faster while I'm looking at you but all you do is just trying to resist the feeling. And what is left for me? Only the admiration of it' Alex smirked to himself giving me a cunning look.
The frosty air made his cheeks of light scarlet colour and the puff he was making was a needless action. He paid attention to the cigarette as much as I was interested in the snow near my feet and all of it was just the decorations of our conversation.
'What do you mean? I'm not furious or upset' he made me lose all of my words with that strange tirade and my answer was too improvised and unprepared. Denying something that obvious was the stupidest thing ever but I couldn't throw up my cards that easily.
'Right, maybe these are not suitable words' Alex grinned smugly and the eyes of his looked at me just like the snake looks at the rabbit before eating it. 'You are not furious or upset. You are simply jealous, my darling'.
There was something delicious in the way he pronounced that. The sentence that was made by such a skillfully prepared mock felt like a painful but desirable ending of my resistance. Alex always knew how to say and what to say. I guess that's why even the worst words of his woke up mixed feelings inside me.
'And you know what? That actually makes me really curious' he continued not waiting for my answer and furrowing his eyebrows in fake astonishment. 'Because if my memory serves me, you were the one to make both of us forget that night. Am I right?'
Oh, what should have I answered? There was no false. How did I dare to be so emotional? What a shame it was to stand and look right into Alex's eyes understanding that my feelings weren't allowed in that situation. He reminded me of my decision with a cruel remark and had millions of reasons for that.
'What do you want from me?' I finally sighed heavily and all of the thoughts of mine landed in the form of a burden on my shoulders. I felt very tired of the things I found out about Alex that day and the scene with Cassie was too much to handle. 'Yes, I am jealous and yes, I kicked you out of my apartment after that night we had. But I don't understand why we even talk about this. I didn't make any scenes, I just went away the minute I felt so bad that I couldn't handle it. You could stay but you went here to tell me what a loser I am'.
'Because you are a loser' Alex replied without a smile and even a sign of mock this time. Something very serious slipped through his voice. 'You judge things without understanding them. You could have everything but you chose the poetical suffering instead'.
'We both know that "everything" wouldn't last long' I answered so quietly that it was almost a whisper giving Alex a tired look. It felt like we were running in circles with conversations like that but I didn't know what was the right thing to do.
'No' he smiled bitterly and the voice of his was sharp. The cigarette in Alex's hand was almost burnt out and I felt that so was his patience. 'I don't know that. Nobody knows. Stop acting like you know everything' something similar to anger for the first time since we'd met coloured his expression and even the bitter smile disappeared.
'I don't act like...'
'No, you do' Alex interrupted me irritatingly. His glance made me shiver and I would give everything to see a tiny mock there. 'And if you know everything, you should be familiar with some trick on how to control your emotions. Because everybody starts to suspect that there is something between us' I was piqued about that sentence. Everybody? Was even there somebody except two of us? And why did he care? 'That would be undesirable in the situation when there is nothing in reality, right?' finally, some poison revealed itself in his tone and the smirk appeared on his lips again. Oh, he knew the answer to that question. That was such a deliberate provocation.
We were looking into each other's eyes and that felt unbearable. Everything in him was absorbing me, trying to catch me on feelings and make sure that I would never forget it. I noticed my heavy breath and he made the last puff not leaving my eyes. How could Alex be so cruel with me? Or maybe, I was cruel too?
'Alex, Lili, what are you doing here for so long?' suddenly the voice of Jules left me without a chance to answer Alex's question. We turned around and saw him at the threshold of the coffee shop. 'You are both cold as hell! Come on, let's go inside and drink a cup of a delicious coffee' in any other moment of my life I would have smiled unwittingly on how caring my silver-haired friend was but my chest was so heavy that I couldn't.
'Give us a minute' Alex answered in the calm and pleasant voice. I was surprised by how he could possess himself.
'Okay, but be in a hurry!' Jules looked like a severe father. 'Especially, you, Alex. Cassie is waiting for you' with those words and a small wink he disappeared.
Alex returned his glance to me and the expression of his was smug as hell. It felt like everything was playing up to him.
'So? Will you answer my question?' he cocked an eyebrow at me. 'Was I right when I said that there is nothing between us now?'
I knew that I should have said "no" but that day felt too much and I wasn't ready to be honest in that moment. Call me an idiot but I felt like a child who is afraid to try something new.
'Yes...' I whispered swallowing something very bitter in my throat. 'You were absolutely right' I looked straight into his obsidian eyes and felt how he stiffened but nothing in his features showed that.
'Well...' Alex furrowed his brows thoughtfully. 'I would say that it's complete bullshit and you are the worst liar on the planet but...' he stopped looking at me once more. 'Let it be' that was the statement. 'I have someone waiting for me' with those words Alex made a fake smile and turned around with an intention to go back inside the coffee shop. The minute passed and he was gone.
My feelings crashed on me. I was the stupidest person on the planet. Why wouldn't I just run after him and say how much I wanted the night we shared to be endless? Why wouldn't I say that he wasn't right? I had no courage.
My fingers were so cold that I couldn't feel them but all I could think about was Alex coming back in that shop to Cassie. They would laugh and flirt and she would be so charming and reckless for him. Just like in the best movie pictures, fashion magazines and retro posters. And I was the one to blame for it.
My fear to be hurt was stronger than my feelings and that day I was losing the opportunity to be happy at least for some time. I was paralyzed and afraid to move in Alex's direction even though he offered me a hand. How often do we make wrong choices just because of fear?
I looked at the blue morning sky again. The big cloud all of a sudden appeared there promising me a blizzard that evening. And as I was trying to think what that cloud reminded me of I unexpectedly understood one thing. It appeared to be that my biggest fear was actually losing Alex Turner.
Have you ever experienced a strong heartbreak? Any tips?
P. S. I got into uni finally but I've never been so depressed before in my life. Maybe, that's why Lili is so silly in this chapter.
Whatever night gives the morning is obligated to take away. That was the first thing I thought of when I woke up the next morning. Doing wrong things is always fun until it comes to consequences and it was such a pity that I hadn't thought of it before.
Tender cold daylight was penetrating through the thin lace curtains that were fluttering on the light wind. My room felt cold and the early morning felt too lonely. Even though I wasn't alone.
As I opened my eyes slowly trying to adjust to the brightness I immediately felt someone else's body pressed to mine. The unfamiliar feeling of warmness and safety overwhelmed me with the first thought of it. The body next to me wasn't just someone else's. It was Alex's...
I was laying on my right side while his arm was circling my waist under a puffy blanket. The nose of Alex was brushing the crook of my neck and tingling the skin of it with his steady breath.
Alex's hand was laying very close to mine and If I wanted I could touch it thanks to the tiniest movement. It was so strange to realise that. How could we even end up like that after the small talk at the bar the day I'd met him? Seemed like an unrealistic book plot and I refused to believe it.
But no matter what plot it is there is always a problem in it. And the thing was that the morning we shared supposed to be the only one. However, the idea of ruining the new feeling of being so close to Alex felt like a nightmare. I even closed my eyes again in order to check if it wasn't a dream but when I opened them again, all of it still had to be a one-time thing. Or at least, that was the deal.
'You know, I can almost physically feel how you are intensely thinking about something and I don't like it' I heard a sleepy soft voice somewhere near my ear all of a sudden. It gifted me with little goosebumps on the skin of my neck where the lips of Alex's were.
'Didn't think you were awake' I answered in a well-made neutral tone being afraid that I didn't know how to act. His arm grabbed me the closest way possible to him and I had to gather all my courage not to smile at this possessive gesture.
'I am not actually but I feel you stiffening' Alex was mumbling slowly and I imagined him talking with his eyes still closed.
'Kind of...' I answered tentatively biting my lip. I couldn't wait anymore, I wanted to see his face. The desire was stronger than my fear so I turned around in Alex's arms facing him. The closeness we shared was making me go crazy every second more and more. And that didn't help the situation.
'Oh, no. That was comfortable actually' Alex said in a fake annoying tone and I let myself a look at his handsome features. As I imagined, he didn't open his eyes so I could study the face of his in the light of the day without a big shame.
Thank God Alex's eyes couldn't see mine travelling from the lines of the cheekbones of his and down to the jawline. From a little frowned eyebrows to the nose and stopping near his lips. Simply, just like the strokes on the canvas. Unfortunately, I was bad at drawing.
I didn't let myself a smile because the same thoughts were spinning in my head. I couldn't get rid of the understanding that it was just a temporary thing. That's why I was so scared to see his eyes.
'What's wrong?' it was like he felt it. When Alex slowly opened his eyelids the voice of his was soft and quiet. The glance of the dark sparkling eyes was gentle like it had never been before.
'I think you know what' I answered in a whisper hiding my eyes from his because I knew that I would lose myself in them. I placed my somehow cold hands on his chest in an instinct move.
'You know that we can make it not a one-time thing, don't you?' Alex said in a smooth voice forcing me to look at him with the fingers of his on my chin. I've noticed something important in the depth of his pupils but couldn't understand what exactly.
'No, we can't' I said confidently looking into his eyes. 'One wonderful night doesn't mean anything'.
'Wonderful?' a small smirk appeared on Alex's lips and I couldn't stop myself from blushing. I'd said that without thinking. However, it was true.
'It doesn't matter' I rushed with the answer. Being in his arms and talking about such an unpleasant topic felt like things from the opposite dimensions. 'You can stay for more nights but as you said, you will never stay for real' a frown coloured his face and the playful smirk vanished. I think Alex knew that I was right and that what bothered both of us that morning.
'I hate that awful habit of yours of being too concerned about what comes next,' he told me not taking his eyes off of me. There was no anger in Alex's tone, it was like he was explaining to a child that eating sweets before dinner was unhealthy.
'Because I am afraid of experiencing what it's like to be heartbroken' I told him with no pathos. My voice was a little trembling but I knew I needed to say it.
'That's the feeling you should be definitely scared of' Alex sighed heavily and the glance of his for the first time that morning suddenly looked distant for a moment. 'You know, I'm just not used to do things right'.
'Me neither' I answered in a soft voice letting myself the last weakness to draw a pattern on his chest with my cold fingers. In a moment all of it should have ended but my mind didn't want to accept that thought.
'So, you won't give me a farewell kiss?' a small tease coloured his voice in a habitual way and it felt like everything was simple as hell. What a pity, it was just an illusion.
'It will only make everything so much worse' I gave him a pleading look and Alex sighed heavily. After the moment of silence, the arms of his slowly loosened its grip. The feeling of Alex's touch was so pleasant that I found myself empty when it left me.
He didn't say anything. All I caught was his enigmatic and somehow unread look before he sat on the bed to light up a cigarette. That was unfamiliar.
'There is an ashtray on a bedside table' I stated in a domestic, simple way sitting on the bed too. It was so strange to talk about those serious things and then come back to routine.
'I thought you didn't smoke' Alex answered neutrally lightening the cigarette and I watched the smoke dancing in my room. His hair was as dark and soft as it was at night and at that moment I understood that Alex was the main character of my novel called "Life". I wondered if there was a happy ending.
'And I don't' I said.
'You have a guitar but you don't play it. You have an ashtray but you don't use it' Alex turned to look at me acting confused and then turned away not focusing on me. The profile of his face with the smoke on the background of the white wall seemed drawn.
'I think I am just a collector' I said and felt my fingers playing with the blanket nervously.
'And so am I' he smiled in a bittersweet way returning his gaze to the curtains on the window. 'Just in a different way' something very poetical and melancholic was about the way Alex pronounced it. I had never thought he could be like that.
I was observing Alex's figure sitting on my bed and smoking the cigarette at literally 7 o'clock in the morning and after some moments that felt so... Natural? Like we did it every day. Just agreeing on a one-time thing and then talking about guitars and ashtrays. The only thing was that I wondered why his glance looked so thoughtful. Was he thinking the same as I?
As an answer to my question he sighed heavily and got up from the bed putting on his jeans. I was watching Alex dressing like it was something prohibited and I had to hide my eyes from him not be caught.
He was moving lazily looking for his shirt and I saw it laying on the floor next to me. What if he would never find that shirt? Would he stay? No, no, no. That was wrong.
'Have you seen my shirt?' Alex asked me in the progress of searching in a domestic routine way. What a painful temptation it was to say "no".
'Here it is' I mumbled somehow anxious getting up from the bed and wrapping myself in a blanket. He stopped suddenly to look at me surprised, a little numb like he didn't expect that shirt to be found at all.
'Thank you' Alex answered not taking his intense glance off of me and putting on the shirt. When his long fingers touched the buttons I couldn't hold myself from remembering how I had undone those earlier. Felt like hundreds of years ago.
'Let me' I almost burst out without thinking. He raised his eyes at me and nodded silently studying my features. I wondered what he could find in them.
Meanwhile, I made sure my blanket was fixed on me and came closer. The trembling fingers of mine touched the buttons and I felt his scent again. I could feel the black eyes of his watching my every move. I was trying to do it carefully not to touch the skin but failed a couple of times. And unfortunately, on purpose.
'You look beautiful in the mornings' I heard Alex's velvet voice in a tender whisper. I froze forgetting about the last button and raised my glance only to meet his starry night pupils. It couldn't be true, it couldn't happen.
We were staring at each other silently and I knew that nothing could help that absolutely insane obsession I felt for him. Just existing in the same century with Alex seemed like the biggest gift of destiny. And when his glance was looking so deep into me I couldn't see anything around.
I heard his heavy breath and felt him move closer to me. My heart raced and it seemed like my puffy blanket was a terrible thing to protect myself from him. What Alex was about to do was an iterative mistake.
'You should go' I whispered not being able to look away from his eyes. It felt like I couldn't have enough of Alex either. The room was filled with his essence as well as his cigarette smoke.
'Right' Alex answered simply but didn't make any step. I was hesitating more and more with every second and he felt it.
'I'll walk you to the door' I forced myself to look away from him and pressed the blanket closer to my body. The tension in the room was ready to cause an explosion. Like the one that happened every time he touched me.
'Oh, yeah, that's our thing' I could feel a smirk appearing on Alex's lips as if it had never left it. 'I don't really like it, though' he said in an unfamiliar voice and turned around not waiting for my answer.
I swear, I wanted to forget about all of my decisions at that moment only to make him stay. Just Alex Turner laying on my bed and holding me in his arms until the world comes to its logical ending. Did that actually sound impossible?
Alex made his way to the front door creating anxiety of mine with every loud step of his boots. I knew I had to wait until he left before falling apart but it felt like I couldn't prevent it from happening.
'So, that means we have to act like strangers if we meet each other on the street?' Alex cocked an eyebrow at me stopping near the door but not going away. His tone was bittersweet once more that morning and I couldn't help but remembered every note of it. Just in case I would like to remind myself how painful it was to let him go.
'Do you think there is a chance of a casual conversation between us? What would we say to each other if we met?' I asked him seriously concentrating my glance on the edges of his irises. I'd had a strong conviction that they were made of kaleidoscopic glass since the day we had met.
'I don't think we would need words' Alex answered emphatically with the enigmatic look on his face. The grin didn't appear as I expected it to and I saw the hand of his reaching the doorknob. Right, it was time to go. 'Goodbye, Lili' so simple. Just a small grin and a long stare.
The words were echoing in my ears when he exited and I froze not even being able to answer back. That's how it happens with one-time things, doesn't it?
I admitted admiring him a little too soon for my liking and that was such a widespread mistake. I couldn't do anything about that but would it be easier if he left when I was asleep? I hoped so because it gave me a chance of thinking that the problem was with the timing of the situation and not with the feelings I had. Pathetic.
All of a sudden I heard the door swinging open and the next moment Alex came into view with the sparkling eyes wide open. He wore a weird smile and rosy from the rush cheeks.
'Blame me for everything but I can't go away without doing this' he pronounced decisively colouring his expression with just a bit of nervousness. With those words, Alex grabbed my hand and I noticed how his black eyes drowned in a flash. Before I was able to say something he was kissing my lips. Again.
And if I hadn't been a fool, I wouldn't have let Alex do it. But I had been a fool. The biggest you would probably meet on this huge planet. So I kissed him back like there was an equation and doing that was the only one suitable answer.
Alex Turner left my apartment at 7:38 in the morning without saying one more "goodbye". He crossed the road, lit up a cigarette and zipped up his jacket. The bright morning light was revealing the fact that Alex didn't sleep at home but that only made him look cockier. And that means more attractive. Turning around the corner, he took a look at the window on the fourth floor of the building he'd left earlier. A smirk danced on his lips as he left the street. He thought that it would actually be pretty fun to repeat that kiss.
Hey guys! How are you? Today I drank wine on a playground listening to "505" with my friend so I'm pretty fine😅 I hope that you liked the chapter. Any thoughts on it? Let me know in the comments! It would mean a world to me.
Love you all and huge thanks for the amazing support of yours. I hope you're doing great:3
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