The chaos rages within, protected by it's keeper.

Foxie, She/They Looking to make friends because they killed my last hellsite* (*Quotev not Twitter)

[bluefox3]

I think I've forgotten what my sisters laugh sounds like, and I can't bear to go through what little video footage I have of her. What if I don't have it? What if I do? All that's left are the echoes of ghosts and too many of them wear the faces of my loved ones

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

r u guys ok i haven't heard anyone say yeet in awhile

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

u guys used to love yeet...

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*sighs* this bitch really IS empty

[bluefox3]

I can yeet myself off a cliff if that helps ^-^

[bluefox3]

Over the last two years my entire life has abandoned me so why shouldn't I abandon it back? Why shouldn't I just kill myself?

[bluefox3]

Item: The Bindle Rarity: ⏶ Common

What video game world would be your #1 travel destination?

Feed your dashboard by answering my question, blogger.

Probably Stardew Valley, its a lot friendlier than most of the other games I play in terms of managing mental health.

Like Minecraft could be fun but there's no one to talk to and the Sims 4 could be fun but I know exactly what happens to Sims and I'm saying nope to all that jazz.

But Stardew Valley? It's got people, it's got woods to explore, it's got animals I can pet, and if I get really brave there's always the mines.

[bluefox3]

This is fun :D

[bluefox3]

Sometimes I remember the things I did as an obviously autistic but undiagnosed child and think to myself, "hmm, how did nobody question this behavior?"

Case in point I had a "game" I would play every time I ate cheese and crackers. (Less of a game and more of an internal monolog/interactive story I guess?)(I did this until I was like 14 by the way)

Anyways the game went that I was three mice who were sisters, one was named Cheese and would only eat the cheese part, one was named Crackers and similarly only ate the crackers, but their sister (not so cleverly named Both) would eat both combined. (Really her name SHOULD have been Combo but little kid me didn't do that.) I spent hours of my childhood pretending to be three mice eating cheese and crackers according to who needed to be fed (all three of the sisters had to have an equal amount or one would feel left out.)

[bluefox3]

The flowers on the counter have been dead for almost a year a half, not quite as long as you have been. I can’t bring myself to get rid of them. Your clothes are in trash bags in the kitchen, I haven't been able to make myself get rid of them either. This is the last place you ever lived, some days I want to stay here forever and others I never want to see it again. I've only just recently been able to spend time in the room that used to be yours, even though we cleared it out a year ago. I still have the shitty furniture you bought off Facebook marketplace, most of it's full of my stuff now. Sometimes late at night I still hear your voice, and other times I tell myself you've just moved away and you aren't really gone. It's not true though, because you died in the hospital a year and a half ago. This summer your son will be four and have lived half his life without his momma, strange isn't it? I don't see him anymore, I hope he's doing well. I helped you raise him, but he won't remember us. Your daughter doesn't talk to me anymore no matter how much I reach out, we used to be so close. Everyone you connected is drifting away and I'm helpless to stop it. Life keeps going but I don't know if I'm strong enough to live it without you.

[bluefox3]

I hate every single one of you.

[bluefox3]

I'm going to kill myself because what's even the point

[bluefox3]

Welcome back to "Who Gives A Fuck Anyway?"

The gameshow starring me, your host, as I desperately try to tell people I'm close to important things about my life!

Last time we covered telling my mom about my neurodivergencies (she STILL only believes me sometimes!)

On today's episode I've been trying to tell my bestest friend I got laid off and might be permanently jobless since January 13th! That's 10 whole days of stewing in the fact that the family business might be gone for good!

Come back next episode where we cover the age old argument of who's sin was the worst on taco night in 2012

[bluefox3]

On days like today I wish I had died instead...

[bluefox3]

I was hoping I'd open my eyes and you'd tell me it's all been a dream, I was hoping to see you for christmas, for you to come back home to me, I knew the idea was foolish, your ashes scattered to help us all through it, but I'm still holding onto the dream, the dream that you'd come home to me, they say that there's nothing santa can't bring so maybe I'll give him a ring, I'd tell him to leave all the presents, to just bring you back for a day, but I fear that I'd want you to stay, if I just had a moment to tell you goodbye then maybe I'd not want to die

Its starting to lookl like christmas, with presents neath the tree, but it doesn't feel like christmas when you're not here with me

[bluefox3]

I did eventually get the frame fixed now I just have to hope it hold the pictures in place

[bluefox3]

Last night I was trying to finish a Christmas present that has gone wrong every step of the way, it went wrong at the last moment when those little metal picture tabs broke off. I screamed at it, I cried about, I threatened to walk into traffic or otherwise kill myself. My brother told me to stay frosty (because he tried calm down and nobody wants to be told that, but stay frosty is just close enough to chill to get the meaning across and just absurd enough to work.) I tried tape, I tried making my own metal tabs, I tried adding to the back, I thought about screw and nails and at some point my brother recommended sponges (2 hours later we couldn't even remember why) 5 hours later I fashioned something that may or may not have worked (I'm not looking because if its fucked up it'll ruin my weekend) but you know what? I'm still here, I didn't give up on the project or myself.

[bluefox3]

Every day I watch my phone ring and every day its not you

[bluefox3]

Some days I'm sad, I scream and cry and ask the universe why you had to go

Other days I'm angry, I slam things down and think about throwing my phone, cursing you for leaving us

Oftentimes I feel guilty, I hide my tears and try to stop my hands from shaking as I wonder if you'd still be here had I been a better sister

Most times I'm just here, waiting for you to walk through the door even though I know you won't

Even as the world forgets and moves on I'm here whispering "I remember, you were important."

[bluefox3]

I've been an afterthought my entire life, so why did I expect it to be different this time? Yeah sure you can cancel the plans we made two weeks ago, the plans I changed my whole weekend for, surely I won't mind at all. Yeah I'm fine with being alone all day instead of having people come over like planned, why do you ask? I love being stood up day of when I've already gotten ready, it's just swell.