La DE / 찾아간다

MADE OF ROSES, POETRIES, GALAXIES, 달처럼 / ctrl-Z / mångata

[bluehoneypie]

All my love

This ashtray contains all the cigarettes I smoked while you were mine

Each one of them was smoked with your thought on my mind

They contain all my love for you, the missing when you left

And all my regrets for you, my time stolen, lost, perhaps it was theft

For you robbed my time, like these cigarettes snatched hours from my life

I’ve been looking at this ashtray, with your memories in it

I guess today is the day, for me to finally empty it, and what’s left of my affections for you with it

[shoujoromance]

[turtling-away]

[bluehoneypie]

and here

here i sit heartbroken after being numb for years

took a knife to my chest and opened it for him to see

for him to make me feel this way

and here is my shadow

i wish it swallowed me

[bluehoneypie]

tears

i can't believe he made me cry, my cigarettes are wet and my heart is dry, i hate him i love him i hate i hate i hate

[bluehoneypie]

Helsinki

j'ai essayé de mettre un voile sur mon cœur mais l'amour est un établissement laïque

j'ai peur que l'amour s'en aille et que la haine dure trois ans

j'aimerais arracher ton cœur, couper ton bras avec une hache, mais s'il te plait pince moi une dernière fois avant que je le fasse

j'ai du mal à me dire que cette histoire est lointaine, si tu savais comme je te déteste tu saurais à quel point je t'aime

si tu savais comme je te déteste

quand je me lève je me rappelle que mes lèvres ne toucheront plus les tiennes

[bluehoneypie]

I am laying on the floor it’s stiff and cold I’m so hungry I could eat my flesh and bones My cigarettes are tasteless and stale I tremble to the sight of your lies and, pained, I can see you just look at me through my brains Right through my desires, thoughts and fears With your love filling my heart i could finally sleep

Insomnia, gone, but tonight my eyes can't close

For this emptiness is back, my Morpheus, my dose

Of codeine filled dreams, my purple rain, i lose

My mind over what you left, some words morose

Some part of me is hot, some part is cold I breath through my heart breath through my nose

[bluehoneypie]

Silence

je ne parle pas

A firefly between my pointer and middle finger, it slowly penetrates me and burns and sting my throat in an enchanting way but why does the ache reach my heart

si tu savais comme je te déteste

it’s 5am and I woke up desperately with the want to sleep again, I need to be numb today, to numb my brain, my liver, my kidneys, my pancreas, my heart, my heart, my heart, my heart where are you i’m bleeding, you hurt me so good

love me

the sky is dark and the stars are not looking at me today, the celestial world has forsaken me and deprived me of its warm embrace, I hate you who made me feel like I need

jesus

I hate you who made me feel at all, you sprouted a flower that you don’t intend to water, you left me dry so why are my cheeks wet, can your catholic god save me? am i doomed to stay in the darkness of your heart?

everywoman

not the first to come, not the last to leave, you adopted my skin, my voice, my tongues, a clear portait of me, now this portrait is lost on you, the truth is, I know everything, how she likes you? maybe you want to give her a chance

[ghiblin]

Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea (2008) Howl's Moving Castle (2004) From Up on Poppy Hill (2011) Kiki's Delivery Service (1989) When Marnie Was There (2014) Ocean Waves (1993)

[bluehoneypie]

blood and serotonin

days of numbness and internal rage

how I can’t harm myself because im already bleeding enough

it’s 7.40 am and it’s thundering, a storm and tiny pieces of ice are falling from the sky

I’m 3 seroquels deep and one benzo but sleep couldn’t catch me this time

the thunder is zeus marking the soil with his essence and the sound of rain and the flash of lightning envigorates me

my uterus is heavily bleeding and the demon is exorcised once again from my body

I don’t feel family friendly these days and I do not leave my room, my man is kneeling but my heart is kneeling too

weird insomnia, shouldn’t have happened

watching criminal minds with raindrops sounds against my glass window and playing omori

this space need to be purified and my wallet needs to be filled

tomorrow I’ll fix my environment created in violence and impulsion, the days I was anxious and restless and provocative just so that they would hit me and make me feel the relief I need

I have a deja vu of tonight

Dionysus who walks in light and in darkness

Please I beg you to free me from the restraints of my mind and my dull thinking shaped by years in civilization

Give me a brain clean of the influence of religion, politics and society, a brain free to be mad and not care

Praise be

[bluehoneypie]

Violence

He hit me hard when I came back

So hard I didn’t think

I prayed he killed me

[bluehoneypie]

Codeine dreamer

I was sober for two months, I mean I’ve been sober for two months

codeine lost her effect on me a year ago I was doing it because I hoped to feel something again so quitting wasn’t hard

now I could sleep

but today I feel rage, I feel violence and hate towards the dark thoughts in my mind that I couldn’t even speak out loud or write on paper

I went to the therapist and on the way there I stopped at the pharmacy

and bought my purple dream in a yellow box, funny because they are opposite colors

I told my therapist everything

how my meds are not working, how it takes me longer to sleep and how much longer I sleep because I can’t stand being alive

now im planning to feel a purple cloud of thunder in my body and give it everything

I got home after buying 2 diet cokes, I undressed and put my warmest prettiest and most comfortable pyjamas, layered 3 covers on my bed and put my favorite perfume

And in a few minutes 20 pills will be lying on my hand ready to be taken and me ready to turn off my brain and my emotions

I hope I die and they find my journals with vehement and virulent thought about how much I hate them, I hope they find my cigarettes and my empty bottles of alcohol and my favorite clothes that ive been hiding

I hope they read my messages and see how unholy I am, how we will never end up in the same after life for I am doomed for hell

forever

[bluehoneypie]

Definitely spiraling into my own version of sin city, i want to just say fuck it these meds are not working anymore, i need codeine and a drink and float in the clouds of my own softness and watch one piece

[bluehoneypie]

je consume que du contenu romantique et faire une pause des choses bizarres que j’ai lu et vu

même la musique mais pas du mariah the scientist ou le genre toxique

mon père a vidé ma bouteille dans les toilettes

je crois je ne sais pas si j’ai rêvé ou si j’ai vidé la bouteille moi même

je vais éviter de demander

[bluehoneypie]

can I still be good when I’m a ghost

will you eat me

will I taste good ?

[bluehoneypie]

thief

I told them I would steal from them months ago

Now i steal like it’s nothing under god’s watch

under the watch of gods and goddesses

my god would judge me, my gods and goddesses would be curious and intrigued by the path I’m taking, some of them would be pleased

satan wouldn’t care, he’ve seen worse

I want to steal your brain

[bluehoneypie]

I haven’t felt high and dazed like this in a long time, my brain can’t brain

Destruction

destroy

your life

Reality sucks

high like a kite

I see Jesus

I refuse to think