sailer

expressing thoughts and emotions

[somewordsarebiggerthanothers]

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

the blue ink stains on my pants seeped into my legs, which reminded me of the distant past when my fingers were stained by ink from my ballpen from writing down notes.

it made think of the days and years of typing than handwrite my thoughts. my notebooks are yearning to be filled and my pens demanded to be bleed on pages.

nothing can compare to this experience - of being able to connect my thoughts through my hands with pen and paper.

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

i love the possibility of the morning. the aroma of a hot coffee and the refreshing wind and the sunrise that bask the innocent skies, like the yesterdays were washed away and a brand new day starts hopefully. i like the beautiful glimpse of sunlight that reflects the leaves, and my face, as if it's caressing my soul. i love the morning rain and how the sunrise kissed the dewdrops on leaves, a cry of the dawn and a hope of a better day.

- Sailer, September 25, 2025

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

Blue Night Will Never Fade

There will come a time when technology takes over and oxygen will be rare than the rare creatures in the ocean. A girl will live indoors, away from the polluted outdoors where oxygen and fresh air was lacking because of futuristic endeavors of humans, their selfish exploits that compromise the health of humanity. Even with the lack of exposure to the outside world, she sleeps longer than the normal human. She was a sleeping beauty, and it took days and nights to be awakened. Her dreams were almost a reality to her but filled with magic, mystery and wonder. She had been to a warring kingdom where tribes were fighting with each other or a place where it was barren, only endless dessert. It was like a taste of the past outside world, where she can smell the poignant smell of the rainforest or hear the ocean waves against the majestic rocks and cliffs. The most amazing scene she witnessed was the blue nights where fairy lights and fireflies illuminate the fields filled with wildflowers and plants. And it was there, her fate as the guardian of dreams started. One of the punishments of deities for humans, came from each deity and the supreme God. The previous deity punished the humans in their sleep due to their greed and transformation of the Earth, connected to the deities of the lands and the waters. Together with the moon goddess, they would take dark souls and rescue good souls from being destroyed by nightmares. She would be there to witness the deaths of humans in their sleep as they would be devoured by nightmares and would be judged upon the underworld and its god. But she would keep the balance. Everything should be balance. Some souls can say based on their fate and their time left on Earth. She will be the keeper of the dreamworlds, closing worlds that no longer serve its purpose. As long as she keeps the blue night where it will never fade.

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

Red Strings of Fate and Black Strings of Ill-Fate

Since time immemorial, a pair were meant for each other, but red strings could be tangled up. Their fates would be intertwined. The invisible thread connects two people – a predestined connection. And she was there to make sure they met in a particular lifetime. It may stretch and tangle but never break, if the bond is there, it strengthens as the pair traversed into their relationship. She was assigned to strengthen the bonds between the pairs and make sure the destined couple loves each other. She was there to witness the challenges in their relationship and how they would solve them until happy endings are guaranteed. She was restless and always on the go and on the run as a pair appeared in her list. These people, unknowingly, would pass right to each other but unaware that their fates were intertwined through the red strings, but it was not the right time. Time will tell if they will be the end game or not.

But she discovered the opposite of her red strings – the black strings. Relationships can be severed because of the dark shadows and evil entity – opposite of love such as hatred, possessiveness, obsession, and ill-intent. These can be the reasons for the loss of life. A pair would be broken because one died without having a happy ending and if the red thread is darker, such souls can reincarnate and meet their one in another lifetime that sometimes can cause an asymptotic love story. If it’s toxic or not meant to be anymore, cutting the black strings could prevent like death, sorrow and misery. But it’s a rare occurrence. Red strings can be faked by some harmful entities, disguising as destiny, but it’s not. It’s a black string about to happen that needs to be severed.

Love can be mysterious. It can be joyous and will make you feel ecstatic. It will put you into despair and sorrow, so painfully it freezes a human’s system and functions. Marriages, childbearing, and lifetime with each other, these are the possibilities when red strings are genuine. But marriages are not because of it, the black strings will be there to break relationships and sad things will happen. And she will prevent it, not unless the relationship is not worth it to keep. She was there to make sure that each person would connect themselves to their destined lover soon enough. She would pull strings to make sure they are together until the end.

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

Submerged Lands

She dreamt of submerged lands due to the high-rise level of ocean. It would happen in the distant future where she will have a major role of keeping the rest of humanity alive after the natural disaster. It is inevitable and as long as she’s still alive in a human form where the deity will give her the power and divinity to handle this natural occurrence, the equilibrium will remain. While staring at the vast blue ocean in front of her and witnessing the actions of humans towards nature, all she can do is to wait for this scene to unfold many years later. Her mortality will be gone once the rising levels started and little by little, islands were sunken beneath the tidal waves and ocean waters. She has seen herself manage the ocean waters with the new moon deity, who was also a mortal like her. She was a blue baby and was once lost in the ocean and her parents assumed that she would die but it did not happen. She was seen days later, on a floating dark and thick seaweed, crying her heart out until she stopped when a bunch of fishermen noticed the mysterious baby appeared out of nowhere. When she was gone, the previous ocean deity blessed her existence and the birthmark on the back of her neck was a sign that one day, the ocean will take her away and lead it. It’s in her hands to keep humanity alive, few of them deserve to live after the chaos. There will be an arch to keep them safe. The Earth will move on from disasters, except humans. The time of the judgment will come and millions of years later, humanity will completely go from the atmosphere, and they will still be the guardians of the Earth until it transforms into something that they can live on in the future. It will be a new realm. A rebirth where there are no humans and only the nature that embraces them. It was common knowledge for her that people destroyed the marine resources because of their greed and selfish ambitions. They caught so many creatures, even rare creatures that were not supposed to be caught, were slaughtered and bought at a high price. She will become the guardian who protects these marine creatures and punishes people that badly affect the ocean waters. Time will come that the ocean will cause millions of deaths from millions of deaths that they’ve caused. The ocean is harsh, dangerous and cruel even thousands of years ago, it took many lives from the war and turning points of histories across the era. In her vision, the ocean could be freezing so that no life can survive. Now, the ice from the opposite poles were melting, causing the rise of sea levels. Little by little, the ocean water will devour the lands, including people’s homes, buildings and belongings that would be gone along with the sinking ships or shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean. She was more than ready to take this role that was destined for her even since she was born. She was no ordinary mortal and, in her hands, she will play a huge role of taking care of the ocean and beyond that. It’s in her destiny that she was more than to accept.

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

Hiwaga ng Alaala

Gaano ba kahiwaga ang mga alaala? Araw-araw, nagiging alaala ang mga pangyayari sa buhay natin at ilan sa mga ito ay mawawala na lang kalaunan. Mga alaala na hindi pilit ilimot ng utak at nakabaon na lang sa isang tabi, naghihintay na maalala kapag dumating ang pagkakataon. Mga alaala na nagbigay ng kirot at hapdi sa puso na itatabi na lang pagkat dulot niyon ang paggupo ng damdamin sa mga pagkakataon na hinang-hina ang loob.

May masasaya at malulungkot na mga alaala, na magbibigay ng ngiti sa mga labi o luha. Maalala natin ang mga emosyon at damdamin natin sa isang alaala na napakaimportante, o mga alaala na nagpapaala sa mga pinagdaanan natin. May mga alaala na tila hinehele ako sa mga panahong gusto ko nang lumisan sa gulo ng mundo. Mga alaala na tila niyayakap ako, tila sinasabihan ako na magiging maayos lang ang lahat. Mga alaala na hatid ay kasiyahan sa puso ko, mga alaala kung kailan ako nagmahal nang labis at tunay sa taong minahal rin ako nang lubusan. Mga alaala ng mga taong nanakit sa akin at hinayaan kong umalis sa buhay ko, sinasadya man o hindi. Mga alaala na tanda na nandoon ang aking presensiya na hindi ko iniisip ang hinaharap o ang kahapon. Hindi ko man maramdaman ang eksaktong damdamin habang binabaybay ko ang mga alaala ko, mananatili ang mga alaalang nagpapukaw sa puso at isip ko.

Paano magiging hiwaga ang isang alaala? Kung may pangyayaring hindi sinasadya. Isang aksidente para hindi maalala ang mga taong nagdaan, hindi maalala ang panahong kung kailan mo nararamdaman ang mga damdamin na hindi mo na naranasan ulit. At ang taong nagparamdam ng mga emosyon na mananatiling nakaukit sa puso at isip. Hindi man maalala ng isip. Maalala naman ng puso. Na dadating ang araw na maalala ko lahat at mapunan ang kahungkagan na nararamdaman ko.

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

does life itself burns us out?

i - life itself burn us out

when you reach this phase of your life - adulthood, did you ever wonder if you are really an adult? in a sense of the word? what is an adult? is being an adult need to have the capacity to be independent and can stand on your own? i don't think i am. there are lots of uncertainties and there are more lost moments - as if i'm in the middle of a thick rainforest surrounded with mist. i don't know where to go or if i'm walking on the right path. unlike any other adults who have the courage to travel anywhere, i remained in my safe corners, busy doing my hobbies until i got tired of them. somehow, even a small tribulation or a challenge may be hard to overcome, when you are too swamp in overthinking and currently in vicious cycle of criticizing yourself over and over again. everyday feels like a battle to overcome, to meet expectations, to climb up that social ladders, to live in this industrialized world that costs us our peace of mind and happiness, to live in this city that speaks loneliness and isolation, despite the people influx in every corner. strangers are everywhere who don't know your history. as an adult, i feel like a fraud, living in this body in twenties but my mind and the supposed to be don't correlate. it's like i am just trying to make sense of it all, despite the fact that i only traverse the path that i don't know the direction. there are sleepless nights, trying to figure out your goals in life. not having enough conviction to live life to the fullest feels like you are in the wrong path of your life. life itself can burn us out when there's no enough fire to move forward. the flame isn't that strong anymore like before. day by day, why is it hard to ignite the flame inside you? why is it hard to live nowadays? maybe, this unfathomable sadness consume this soul and aimless adult.

ii - unfathomable sadness

even with the help of the medical, this unfathomable melancholy couldn't just go away. it's just below the surface level, the deep iceberg, begging to be notice at the darkest times of the nights. the tears on my pillow, the painful feeling and the longing, the indescribable sadness still lingers at random times. and i left powerless to shut it off. i have to feel all of it, night after night. it felt like my heart is breaking again and again. it will never be whole. there's always a missing piece, of those emotions and experiences that weathered my heart and my mind. at moments, it's too much - the rollercoaster of emotions. we don't have the power or maybe, we really we don't have to reason out the melancholy that weighing in our soul. everyday, it is a battle to wake up without the falling of tears, without the desperate attempt to search the source of our sadness and longing, without the unresolved things in your heart, without the weighlessness of the past regrets and mistakes. in the deep recesses of our brain, the repressed memories were the outcomes of burying that traumatized us, that greatly affect our mind at a certain moment, that caused us more pain than we can imagine. i couldn't stop crying when i have the chance to play sad songs, replaying the feelings of hurt, pain and sorrow that weren't mind, but the point of view of something that felt like my past lives. i just let the tears fall. i coudn't ignore everything, the emotions that overwhelmed me at nights.

iii - our past lives

do we have past lives? i guess we have, when we have this indescribable longing, that something was unresolved from our past lives. maybe, this sorrow and pain was when my greatest love in my past life died or broke my heart. or maybe, a witch that had been at the mercy of the community that accussed me wrongfully, for being intelligent, eccentric, different, and empowered, that i was once upon a time, burned at the stakes, with the rest of the witches. i didn't have enough reasons to justify this unfathomable sadness, the feeling of missing something or longing for someone that no longer in that timeline, that left me hanging until i died again. these unresolved traumas and heavy baggages sifted through different timelines, through different lives. from the past eras and the modern times. maybe, when we were at our lowest moments, we felt all of it, from the past lives that affected our soul. we absorbed all of it, the pain, the sorrow, the longing, the deep sadness, the betrayal, the trauma, the regrets, and complexity of the emotions we've felt in different times. the reasons of these tears that kept falling maybe a source of just being an old soul - a soul that knew and felt too much.

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

Mapaglarong Tadhana

Bakit hinahayaan tayo ng tadhana na magmahal at masaktan sa maling tao? Akala ko siya ngunit inilagay lang pala niya ako sa pedestal. Para sa kanya siguro, isa akong diwata na ngayo'y nabihag na niya kaya gagawin niya ang lahat para manatili ako sa buhay niya.

Halos hindi ako makahinga. Gaano ba kataas ang tingin niya sa akin? Ang silbi ko lang ata ay ang pakinggan ang istorya ng kanyang buhay. Ang mga problema niya. Ang mga hinanaing niya. Ang mga kirot sa puso niya. Na napakabigat. At maging ako ay naapektuhan. Ganoon lang ba ang tingin niya sa akin? Matapos niyang itapon sa akin lahat ay saka niya ako iiwan na parang walang nangyari?

Lalapit lang siya sa akin kapag kailangan niya. Ni hindi ko sinasabi sa kanya ang totoong saloobin ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung awa ba ito o pagmamahal. Tila siya isang multo na kumakatok kapag nasa ilalim ako ng lupa. Hinahatak ng dilim. Ni wala ka man lang na kailangan ko ng katuwang. At sa tuwing umiiyak ako, kasama ka sa iniiyakan ko.

Bakit ako nasasaktan sa pambabalewala mo? Bakit ako nasasaktan sa mga salita mong hindi ko alam kung mananatili ba o isinusulat lamang sa hangin na bigla na lamang maglalaho? Sana hindi na lang ako umasa kung hindi ko man maabot ang nais mong pangarap. Pangarap na ako na hindi naman totoo at huwad lamang.

Sana'y hindi na kita nakilala pa. Sana'y isinarado ko na ang pinto hindi ka pa nakakahakbang palapit sa akin. Sana'y hindi na ako nagpaapekto. At sana'y pinalagahan ko ang sarili ko.

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

Isang Kaibigan, Kaibigan Nga Lang Ba? 

Noong una kitang makita, napatunganga ako nang ilang segundo pagkat ang ganda ng mga mata mo. Bihira lang ang mga matang tila kakulay ng krema ng kape o kaya singkulay ng amber na bato. Ang mga mata mo'y ngumingiti rin pag tumatawa ka. Kaso isang araw lang ako nabighani sa mala-engkantada mong ganda dahil maldita pala at maarte. Maingay. Masakit sa tainga kapag sumisigaw ka na parang timang sa gilid ko.

Ngunit kahit ganoon, natatagpuan ko ang sariling kasama ka dahil lagi mo akong kinukuyog kung saan-saan at pati ba naman ang pakikipagkita sa kung sinong Poncio Pilato, nandoon ako. Para akong tanga na nakikita kang kinikilig sa mga lalaking lamang ng ilang paligo sa akin pero maiitim naman ang budhi. Alam ko dahil lalaki din ako at ikaw naman, wala ka ring preno dahil bigla ka na lang iiyak sa mga gagong iyon na ginawa ka lamang tropeyo. Aminin na nating nilalaro ka lang nila at ikaw naman, naghahanap ng taong magmamahal sa 'yo nang tunay sapagkat hungkag ang puso mo roon pero hindi mo ba ako nakikita?

Nandito ako sa tuwing gusto mo nang karamay at ang pangit mo na dahil sa kakangawa sa mga walang kuwentang dahilan. Kasama na roon ang mga nakikila mong unggoy. Wala ka atang kamalay-malay na pinagseselosan nila ako at tila takot pa atang maagaw kita sa kanila. Oo, aagawin talaga kita kapag nakita kong ginagago ka lang o pinaglalaruan. Kahit na amazona ka minsan, isa ka pa ring babasaging kristal.

Akala ko lang talaga kaibigan kita. Ilang taon din bago ko natanggap na hindi pala talaga hanggang doon lang ang nararamdaman ko sa 'yo. Kung bakit? Hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko na nandiyan pa rin sa tabi mo, pinapakalma ka, pinapatawa ka, inaasar ka, inaaway ka, at pinagtatawanan ka. Lahat-lahat na. Ikaw lang ang babaeng ayaw kong mawala sa buhay ko. Hindi ko yata kakayanin na mawala ka.

Sanay na akong binubungangaan mo kapag sobrang pagod na ako. Sanay na akong dinadalhan mo ako ng pagkain kapag abala ako sa pag-aaral ko. Sanay ako na nag-aasaran at nagtatawanan tayo kahit sa mga walang kakuwenta-kuwentang bagay. Sanay na ako na nakikita kang natutulog. Hindi ko alam kung masasanay ba ako na wala ka na sa tabi ko pagkat nagbabago ang panahon. Nagbabago ang tao.

Ikaw? Magbabago ba ang damdamin mo para sa akin? Aminado akong nasaktan ako sa sinabi mong hindi mo ako maaaring mahalin na higit pa sa isang kaibigan dahil baka magbago ang lahat. Takot ka ba? Takot ka ba na pag may nagbago sa ating dalawa? Unti-unti tayong lalayo sa isa't isa. Wala ka bang tiwala sa akin? Na kakapit pa rin ako kung sakaling mangyari ang kinatatakutan mo? Na hindi pa rin ako lalayo dahil naniniwala ako sa nararamdaman ko para sa iyo. Kahit desperadong pakinggan.

Dahil.

Mahal kita.

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

the feeling of bathing under the morning sun. the fierce connection through simple and stealing glances and mysterious smiles in the afternoon. islands and a floor away. chattering on screens - words flow out like the wind. and i hope that this feeling is not like a flowing wind, but a feeling where i can run on the coastline under the mild heat of the sun with the summer breeze kissing my cheeks, where i can rest under the shade of the tree while the wind is swaying my curly hair, where i can admire the changing scenes of the seasons and the weather and the wide expanse of blue skies and blue ocean. i hope this may stay for long - the flame, the warmth, the peace, and if only it will last. it will last.

- Sailer, January 8, 2024

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

i already left. so long, you're no longer a muse. not even a muse from the start but a wicked being that sapped my energy. you clouded me with darkness and i chose the that lifeline to live in my own terms. so long, you are not part of my present anymore, no llingering shadows. it has been extinguished, slowly and in a matter of time. your damages may still etched but it wouldn't stay long - rusty and no longer matters. a scar that reminded me of a past that no longer holds my present. so long. goodbye. i'm leaving you.

- Sailer, January 8, 2025

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

The scars were permanently etched in the recesses of my brain, always there looming in the dark, getting its chance to reach the surface of my conscious mind. A haunting nostalgia I barely escape. Here I am, clutching to the dear life I'm running away from, letting the waves carried me to the depths of that lurking dark waters. You're a thunder and lighting that put me on the edge in swift seconds, and I'm tired of my selves reliving you on pages when you're dead to me — a ghost. Remnants of yesterday.

— Sailer, July 18, 2023

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

Devour me whole completely at midnights — no stoplights.

— Sailer, July 18, 2023

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

Small Things Matter

As I contemplate about the intricacies of the universe, I found myself thinking about the phenomenal events that took place on Earth - changing or transforming our lives. But there small things that can change a life's trajectory. They may feel appreciated when you speak to them gently, acknowledging their emotions. You can save the Earth by bringing that eco-bag you handcrafted that Sunday afternoon. You can make a positive impact to stray animals you adopted. You can be someone who can inspire the people around you. The light you have may spread to others who are walking under the heaviest clouds of their lives.

We may aim for bigger things but we forgot that smaller things can make an impact to somebody. Your smile, your laugh, your body language, may matters to others. The gift you gave years ago may bring a hope to someone dear to you, the one who cherished you even if you're far away. It takes about a little thing that the universe will conspire you to achieve greater things. This may not the time, but it may come at unexpected times. Believe in the power of little things. They can move mountains despite the changing tides.

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

“𝓐𝓷𝓭 𝓵𝓮𝓽 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓭𝓪𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓮 𝓭𝓪𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓮 𝓶𝓮?”

— renegade, big red machine ft. taylor swift

you're the blue in my heart. you're always there. a piece that became a scarred thing that i couldn't deny nor ignore. a part of you lingers. you're jagged and weak. barely out of breath. the nightmares scarred your sanity and even if i cloak you with my sunshine, you eat it like nothing happens. all that's left is that miniscule of hope - hoping that you will be fine. but i know, i'm just lying to myself. the cigarette kisses we shared in that fateful midnight rain lits me up and burns me further and i'm still carrying the burns that you gave me - marking me. your sharp pieces make me bleed and i'm just lying on the kitchen floor, gasping for the air we shared, that intoxicated scent that makes us crazy from time to time.

you speak of words with flowers armed with poisonous thorns. you touched me here and there, as if telling me to stay - to stay while you're battling with your illusions and hallucinations. and here i am, still holding on. where can i stay? when you're not even know yourself anymore. while i am carrying the damage you inflicted everywhere. i'm bleeding. but maybe, that's fine. i've been bleeding ever since i choose to love you.

isn't it insensitive for me to say? to fix yourself in order for me to love you freely. i want to be with you - and your cigarette kisses and intoxicating scent of berries.

- Sailer, excerpts from the backburner

[bluerthanblue-excerpts]

Kailan Ang Magpakailanman

Kailan ang magpakailanman sa ating dalawa? Noong una mong sabihin ang mga katagang gusto kong marinig noon pa man, pinaghalong ligaya at lungkot ang aking nadarama pagkat hindi pa ako handa.

Hindi pa ako handa dahil naghihilom pa ang sugat na mayroon ako at wala kang kasalanan doon. Gusto ko lang na harapin ka at mahalin na buo ako, hindi iyong pira-piraso pa ako at hinihilom ang sugat na mayroon ako. Takot akong masugatan ka rin dahil alam ko, tinatahak mo rin ang kadiliman na iyong naranasan sa buhay mo. Ngunit sa isip-isip ko, sana andiyan na lang ako sa tabi mo kahit na nahihirapan ako. Alam ko namang andiyan ka rin upang suportahan at mahalin ako. Takot ako. Takot ako na hindi ko kakayanin. Takot ako na baka mas lalong lumala ang sugat ng ating kahapon. Kaya gusto kong lumipad ka at kahit pa lumipas ang panahon, alam ko na minamahal pa rin kitang tunay.

Na sa susunod na pagkikita natin, pipiliin pa rin ng puso kong ikaw ang mahalin. May pag-alala sa puso ko na baka iyong puso mo nama'y hindi na titibok para sa akin. Ngunit alam ko sa sarili ko na kung anuman ang desisyon mo, basta sa ikakaligaya mo, hahayaan kita. Kahit masakit. Dahil ako naman ang unang nangtaboy. Ako naman ang unang lumayo. Ako naman ang nagsabing hindi pa ako handa. Gusto ko munang paghilumin ang sarili ko.

May mga peklat pa ring natira ngunit mas matibay na ako sa mga pagsubok sa buhay. Dadating ang panahon na mararanasan ko ang magpakailanman sa taong mahal ko at mamahalin ako ng tunay, kahit ilang taon man ang lumipas.

Isa na nga lang ba itong pangarap? Magtatagpo pa ba ang landas nating dalawa? Mamahalin mo pa ba ako at sabihin ang mga katagang narinig ko sa iyong mga labi noon? Bakit nasasaktan ako kapag isiping lalayo ka kahit wala ka pa sa piling ko. Gusto kong buong-buo kitang mamahalin at iingatan gaya nang kung paano mo ako ingatan. Ang mga alaala mo, narito pa rin sa isip ko at kapag may ginagawa ako, ang mga alaala natin ang nagpapaligaya saglit sa puso kong ikaw ang hinahanap.

Kailan ang magpakailanman sa ating dalawa? Gusto ko mang abutin ang iyong kamay ay tiyak na huli na yata. Huli na ba talaga para sa ating dalawa? Huli na ba para sabihing mahal na mahal kita?

Minahal kita. At mamahalin. Magpakailanman.