blues de toi

Thoughts and things.

[thatkindofwoman]

I get angry on the behalf of other people a lot.  But, lately I’m angry that my generation has so many things that propel us forward, make us so advance, and yet we treat each other worse and worse.

I’m guilty of it. 

Damn, I remember the first time I met a guy on the internet I really like, and I felt, in my bones that he liked me. Now we have smart phones that literally sell a version of you and me to another person a certain mileage away. 

Here I am, it tells you. I’m pretty, but not like other women my age. I’m intelligent, but also quick. I’m tough but not intimidating. I straddle the line of being familiar and foreign. I’m friends with other attractive people in my age range. I wear up to date styles, or maybe I somehow transcend the style rules and look disheveled but approachable. Gorgeous but natural. I attract you sexually but also fit into all the categories you seek. I know all my emotions and manage them accordingly. I don’t yell, unless in excitement but only then when appropriate. I’m sexually liberated but not promiscuous. I’m knowledgable but not a know it all. I am fun, but not a flirt. I am eager to be a partner, but not pushy for a lifetime together.  

Jesus fucking christ. 

I’m so exhausted. I don’t want to sell myself. I don’t want to convince you to like me, or convince you to not. I just want to go about my god damn day and maybe stumble across a well adjusted person who doesn’t want to sell themselves either. That makes me want to write again, about love, and the texture of their hair. Or how their clavicle tastes on a Thursday night after a rain storm. Or how my stomach plans a revolt when I see him, and butterflies seem mild. Fuck. 

I’m rambling. I’m tired, the ache in my right shoulder blade is urging me to go to bed and shift uncomfortably against the pillows. I’m rambling and the fan is blowing semi-cool air onto my legs. I’m rambling and I’m wondering what love means in your 20s nowadays. 

[bluesdetoi]

Thoughts Over Coffee - Marriage

My summer holiday is almost here. In a week I’m going to be moving in a brand new beautiful apartment, and straight after, skipping town for a month. No work, no conference calls, no meetings, no clients and no email. Oh joy.

This trip of course also marks the last days before our wedding. It’s a little bittersweet for me, getting married. It’s something I’ve always fantasized about quietly, as probably most girls do. However, it’s also in some ways a strange turn of events. Don’t get me wrong, my life won’t be changing in any significant way from when I was in a relationship. It does seem somehow finite though, which in turn makes me a little solemn.

As much as I’ve always loved weddings and wanted one of my own, I’m not sure I’m 100% convinced by marriage. I love my fiancé far more than I could ever describe in words, but there are times when I find myself thinking “is this the right thing for me?” Since the whole idea of marriage goes against my ideology, it’s odd to be moving in that direction willingly. In my opinion, there’s a reason why marriages don’t work, or rarely do. They work for a couple of years, and eventually, a conflict is bound to break up the happiness. Whether it be financial issues, lack of growth, feeling sexually unsatisfied, boredom, unexpressed feelings, and restlessness. If you ask me, it all boils down to the frustration that springs from having made a decision for lifetime. How could you not get frustrated? How often do you otherwise go into something and have to sign a lifelong agreement to stay on that path?  If you look back at your life 5 years earlier, would you have known what path you would be on today? So why do we expect that we will know what’s right for us 5 years from now?

We sign agreements to love someone, but what if they are not loveable anymore in some years’ time? What if you are not loveable? What if some deep personal crisis like loss of a loved one, or personal insecurities and anxieties make you a different person than you were when they agreed to love you? What if you get the urge to travel and see the world, and your partner wants to settle down and have children? What if you realize you can’t or don’t want to have children? What if you meet someone who seems like a better fit for you?

Personal growth is important to me. It’s imperative to read, to be enlightened, and to always seek to evolve and become a better person. Become a better chef. Become a better professional. Enjoy time more and learn to relax. Go to more concerts. Go to more cultural events. Appreciate crowds. Be more spontaneous and less afraid. Be less jealous and possessive. I know, very ambitious goals, but complacency is one condition I’m not willing to accept. 

I sincerely hope that in the future, he will also continue to strive for self-development. I cannot guarantee that we will be a union forever, and neither can he.  We can grow together and experience new things together. Sharing happiness makes happiness so much better. I guess what matters mostly, is to choose their company every day. Not just accept it as status quo because you have a signed agreement, but to accept every day as an opportunity to learn more about them, and cherish them for the traits they possess. It’s important to have standards and expectations for one another, but also for one self. To not only ask, but also to give in abundance.

Wedding planning has been a bitch and it has sucked the life out of our relationship. The past 6 months especially have been a whirlwind, and it’s been exhausting. We have argued more than I ever expected, over things dumber than I knew existed. It’s kind of ironic that the months leading up to the “happiest event of your life” are the most miserable of your life. However, these next few weeks before the big show, we’ve devoted to winding down, taking it easy, and hoping everything goes as planned. If not, we will embrace that too. At the end of the day, we will still be married even without the perfect wedding. And life will go on. I know that I am ready for this next chapter, come what may. I hope our marriage is long and prosperous and that we continue to make each other happier and better people. So far, so good.

[tylerknott]

Love is a peculiar creature, how it flows out of us and leaks into the cracks and fractures of the life around us. How it can grow. Expand. How it can encompass so many things that fill up our lives, the people and the animals, the moments and the adventures. We are born to love, built for it, and that ability is always there beneath the surface, no matter how buried we think it becomes, no matter how much we forget. We are put here to love, freely, and I have just begun. #tylerknott

[stuffgurlswant]

For something to be beautiful it doesn’t have to be pretty.

Rei Kawakubo (via kvtes)

[lovelysuggestion]

I want to be unafraid. I want to be full of light and love and kindness. I want to go on adventures and rejoice in the beauty of living.

[thatsyourgold]

Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honour my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.

Daniell Koepke (via welcomehomeward)

[bluesdetoi]

I’m in a hotel room far away from home. I wasn’t keen on making the trip, but my new position requires business travel every now and again. I knew this when I accepted the job, but somehow it didn’t dawn on me before it was time to leave. During my entire relationship, my fiance and I have never been apart. I think I can count one day of not sleeping next to each other, in almost 3 years. We spend time apart, but we always end up sleeping next to each other. The next 2 weeks I will be in two different countries and spend two weeks sleeping alone. Yesterday I was sad and today I’m sad as well, but for different reasons. Although I love my fiance, I never intended to have this type of dependency within our relationship. My realization came today as I was walking the streets, that I had to pay attention to where I was going and where I had been, in order to be able to return. I didn’t have my usual crutch that allowed me to mostly drift, gaze and photograph, while he took care of the practical issues like making sure we didn’t get lost. I’ve had to order my own food and eat alone, drink solitary coffees, and worry about my own safety and well-being. I had no one to complain to about being rudely treated in stores and by taxi drivers. I know these sound like banal things that any normal person does on a daily basis, but I have to admit that I’ve delegated most of them. I have an amazing boyfriend who always assumes the responsibility of making sure that I am okay. When I am upset, sad, angry or bewildered, he is there to normalize things and to keep me sane. I can honestly say that I do take him for granted, because today it became apparent to me how distanced I was from myself and from my independence that I once celebrated and appreciated so much. I used to travel alone, and had no issues doing so. Today, I felt like a child who had run away from its parent, looking for them on every corner so that it can return to safety and continue walking bravely while being cushioned. I didn’t and I still made it through the day. It’s ridiculous for a late 20′s female to be proud of making it through the day, and it’s okay to laugh. But for me, today was a day of firsts. I was reminded that I need to do more things for myself and by myself. Traveling alone should be a time of growth, and a time for experiencing new things to tell your significant other about. It shouldn’t be a scary venture into adulthood. So once again, life proves to be the better teacher and I am accepting the lessons, and almost looking forward to my long trip to the US next week. I’ll be at a conference with 150 other people from my new company - none of which I know except for my supervisor. Here’s to growth. And accepting fears, but also conquering them.

[bluesdetoi]

Writing heals. I forgot how much I enjoy putting “pen to paper” to explain myself, even if I’m the only one reading. Because I do re-read everything. I’ll even remark how profound some of the stuff I’ve written is. Some of it is garbage, but I am keeping them to remind myself of where I’ve been and where I’m going. I don’t know why I need to explain anything, none of the people I am explaining to will ever read my writings, but I guess I also sometimes need to clarify to myself. Living with myself for all these years still doesn’t make me an expert on myself. Sometimes I wonder why I certain things or behave certain ways. I would say I am fundamentally a good person. I’ve been morally corrupt from time to time, but haven’t we all? Maybe that’s just my way of comforting myself, but I do believe that everyone’s made mistakes and created situations they’re not proud of. However, I’ve learned. I’ve evolved. 

And now I am here. I am in a happy state. I’m engaged to the love of my life. I have a great career. I have a baby nephew that I would give my life for. On the surface, I lead a happy, fulfilled life. But underneath it, I’m terribly anxious and I suffer a great insecurity for an unknown reason. I noticed it last year. I was flying back home from an amazing vacation with my fiance, and suddenly, during the flight, I started crying. My tears were deep sobs that I couldn’t control for the remainder of the trip. I was terrified and convinced that I was heading for my demise on this trip.

Since then, I carry an anxiety that’s inexplicable to me. I haven’t discussed it with a professional because I’ve mostly been in denial. Thought it was a phase. I don’t want to believe that it’s possible for me to suffer any psychologic condition. I’ve always been under the impressional that my psyche was much more robust than the average person’s. That’s not just assumptions. I’ve been tested many times, I’ve been through difficult things, personally and family related. But I’ve always been strong and never buckled under.

My interpretation is that now, I’m in a place in my life where I feel safe and secure, all my underlying issues are beginning to rear their ugly heads. Everything that I never thought much of before, and suppressed, is calling upon me now to be handled. It waited until I was capable, and now that I can deal with it, it’s time. 

I am afraid of dying. I am afraid that the people close to me will die. I have so much to live for. I am getting married soon. I want to have a child. I want to enjoy many years together with my fiance. I want to see my nephew grow up and be a guiding light in is life. As his godmother, it’s my duty to make sure that he makes the right decisions, and that he feels loved throughout. I want to see my parents grow old. I want to feel accomplished in my career. I want to make new, great friends. I want to travel and see the world. The bucket list is endless, but my fears are all consuming and invalidating.

My job is taking me on an overseas business trip next week, and I have been quietly panicking for the past month. Being in the air for 12 hours is unbearable, I can’t even grasp the idea. I have no faith in the pilot’s abilities and the plane’s construction. I am confident that my time has come. It’s crazy talk to any normal individual, and I am fully aware that my odds of dying are much greater just by crossing the street walking, but there is no logic in anxieties. My fear dictates, and everything else takes a backseat.

The right thing to do is to accept death as a possible situation for any given day. I know that any day could be my last and that life is unpredictable and fickle. I know death is a possibility, and as such, I shouldn’t be afraid of it. And yet, I am petrified. I am still figuring things out, and I am trying to understand the background for everything. I probably won’t solve the puzzle any time soon, but I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Anxiety will not win over my desire to live and enjoy life to the fullest. I just have to figure out how to overcome.

[bluesdetoi]

talk is cheap.

It's strange how we all live, every day an experience richer, yet refuse to learn from failures if the lesson stands in the way of our illusions. Some people are so hellbent on repeating the same actions for an infinite amount of times, always expecting new results, and constantly perplexed by the fact that the outcome is still- the- same. Granted, we've been taught not to give up on people, and always to assume there's room for change, so more often than not, we allow people the benefit of the doubt. 100% of the time, words aren't worth more than the person you hear utter them, so the most important lesson we can teach ourselves is to believe in actions ahead of them. How incredibly naive to think that someone can live up to their promises, especially the ones that leave no room for all the things that might go wrong. Optimism is great when you are a child, but when we're faced with the cruel reality of the world and all its other residents, optimism becomes nothing more but a quaint fixture of childhood, like the Tooth Fairy and Santa. It is not an option for anyone who's left the safety of their own home, and illusions, in recent time. Sure, every once in a while there will be a report of a sunshine story, but most of what we're faced with doesn't exactly encourage the belief in humanity. As much as you may want to believe what someone tells you, for the sake of your sweet childish beliefs and naivete, it's not an option. Instead, we are all better off basing our judgment on experience and actions. Don't be so quick to throw caution to the wind, and don't assume things without knowing them for a fact. Our emotions are fragile and easily damaged,we should be guarding them with all our might, instead of trusting the smallest inclinations. Our hearts aren't as easily healed as we wish, and pain doesn't go away overnight. At times it stays with us for years and affects the decisions we make thereafter, not to mention our views towards ourselves. 

I'm aware that in this tremendously big and selfish world, people are starved for someone to share their lives with; someone to make it all worth while. But this can't be a choice you offer anyone; it's something you offer those who haven't caved at the first hurdle, those who are brave enough to admit that there will be dark days, those who have the courage to tell you they don't have it all figured out, but would enjoy the company on the road to enlightenment, and lastly those who never promise you more than they can offer today. It might not be the grand romantic gesture that you foolishly believe is going to happen eventually if you keep believing hard enough, but it's the only promise of something real and and worthwhile. Don't spend your time looking for love and for the extraordinary to happen, it won't. Don't have high expectations for anyone, let them set the bar. Don't be disappointed by someone who doesn't behave a certain way, your expectations are not their cross to carry. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel, and finding people to share it with is not an instant thing. It's not built on what you see. Live your life fearlessly and let every person you meet influence and shape you. Eventually, you'll find that someone has been a greater influence than everyone else. Spend more time with that person, and enjoy the fact that you have encountered someone who inspires you. Not just someone who you think could be the great love of your life, but someone who actually has done something and offered you something of value on an intellectual and emotional level. Those people are worth keeping around, because when appearance and promises fade, you'll still have someone around to inspire you to keep going in this sometimes meaningless, monotonous existence that we lead.

Build on what you know, and what you experience, not on what you think and assume. 

[bluesdetoi]

Lately I find myself with a strong urge to write and tell stories, just sadly I'm not gifted with the amounts of time I used to have. Its strange to think that even at this age, I still am puzzled by life and the events that sometimes occur. I'm taken aback by people whom I thought I had figured out, for better or for worse, and I am constantly trying to keep up with my new findings. People, as much as you want to put them in boxes and let them stay there forever in order for you to easily navigate through them, will not remain the same. I've realized in order to keep your sanity, you have to accept them for what they are. One disappointment will in the long run be nothing more than an anecdote you can hopefully laugh at when time has settled the differences. Whether I am being a bad friend, or it is being done to me, I realize that sometimes its necessary. We are simple creatures, and we will always put ourselves first. We might one day be faced with an identical situation and realize our wrongs, and hopefully when we do, we can acknowledge our own shortcomings. We might not, and remain one experience without. Either way, it's highly likely that we, much like our friends whom we sometimes expect the world from, have offered our own share of shit to those closest to us. I tend to hold a grudge for much longer than benefits me. Not out of anger, but out of hurt and it's difficult for me to think of a situation in which I was hurt without reliving it over again. However, as I mature and hopefully, grow wiser, I try to not let myself get hung up over the small things. The days and the years are passing faster than I ever saw them coming, and it  brings with it some sort of perspective. It's certainly true when they say that as you age, you tend to romanticize experiences past. Personally, I've found it to be a great tool in life only to remember the things that profoundly changed me, and only to remember them fondly. Surely, the bad never completely goes away, but it seems insignificant in comparison.

[bluesdetoi]

I’ll never tire of the simple wonder of your slowburning love.

[bluesdetoi]

Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry, sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don’t know why. Keep making me laugh, let’s go get high, the road is long, we carry on try to have fun in the meantime.

[alibis-not-needed-anymore]

There are some things about myself I can’t explain to anyone. There are some things I don’t understand at all. I can’t tell what I think about things or what I’m after. I don’t know what my strengths are or what I’m supposed to do about them. But if I start thinking about these things in too much detail the whole thing gets scary. And if I get scared I can only think about myself. I become really self-centered, and without meaning to, I hurt people. So I’m not such a wonderful human being.

Haruki Murakami, A Slow Boat to China (via escaping-the-bell-jar)

[bluesdetoi]

[bluesdetoi]

[bluesdetoi]

“I will remember the kisses our lips raw with love and how you gave me everything you had and how I offered you what was left of me, and I will remember your small room the feel of you the light in the window your records your books our morning coffee our noons our nights our bodies spilled together sleeping the tiny flowing currents immediate and forever your leg my leg your arm my arm your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again.” ― Charles Bukowski

[bluesdetoi]

How many of us get stuck in one certain point of our past, one person that in our minds changed our perception on life and love and draw comparisons to that very event for the rest of our lives. Everything of course fades in comparison, not because it isn’t good enough or even better, but because nothing can match that first feeling of complete and utter infatuation, the feeling that one person is your meant to be. Even after it’s left buried in the rubble, we continue living because you can’t be a spectator in your own story, someone has to live it to tell it, but nothing ever quite feels the same after. For me it was a fairly brief encounter. I’ve been through things much more complicated and real, but they never left me with the feeling that they were my forever. One person still does and the fact that they are a continued presence in my life makes it that much harder to ignore and archive in the past drawer. This person once claimed I would forever have his heart, even after I broke it, and that he will always be left wondering what if, although he could never trust me enough to commit emotionally again. This person has a tendency of fucking everything up, even if completely despite his intentions. He doesn’t know better, he legitimately thinks that he is doing everything right and for the right reasons, but eventually it destroyed what we had built. No one ever acknowledged the blame, it was stuck somewhere in the nothingness that came to define us. I know he is wondering what if, still. I know because like me, even if he has removed himself from it, emotionally he is left standing there. Because like me, he hasn’t found anything that compares to the idealised version we have of us. I know because we have always remained the same, and even if we aren’t together, we are both still around and we can’t seem to make up our minds whether to stay or to leave. And ultimately either way the wind blows, we’re going to remain here completely engulfed in indecisiveness and fear. Fear of losing out if we move in either direction. Not to mention the fear of exploring something that in our minds still remains imperfectly perfect. No one likes their illusions shattered, somehow it seems more beautiful to let it be untouched and let the memories remind us that we once shared something good. Although it was laced and sullied by our flaws, it was still ours to keep forever.