have you seen ( Ocean Samuels, he/him )? They look a lot like ( Brandon Flynn ). The ( 27 ) year old ( high school art teacher ) is so ( sweet, contemplative, patient ) but I heard they can also be really ( insecure, melancholy, depressive ). Can you believe they’ve been in town for ( six months )?! They live in the ( Poppy Court ) neighborhood and kind of remind me of ( mountain winds, frozen tears, whispered apologies, rising tide ). If I was asked, I’d guess that they were ( quietest ) in their yearbook for the class of ( 2017 )
About Ocean:
Name: Ocean James Samuels
Age: 27 years old
Birthday: December 21
Sign: Sagittarius, on the cusp of Capricorn
Handedness: right
Residence: Poppy Court
Sexuality: gay
Relationship status: single
Occupation: art teacher at Carroll County High
TW: emotional abuse
Ocean was born on a commune in Ojai, but it wasn't one of those oppressive, controlling cults. No one was forced to stay there or do anything (like give away your possessions - or worse), and it was really just a community of like-minded people who believe that love and peace are the most important things
The commune Ocean grew up on did have modern facilities and amenities, but Ocean's family didn't own a television when he was growing up, which was common among the members of the commune
Everyone in Ocean's family has a nature-themed name: parents River and Skye, oldest daughter/child Sunshine, brother Forest, twin sisters Coral and Rain, and finally Ocean as the youngest. His family and the entire commune was always very protective over Ocean due to his kind but vulnerable demeanor
Ocean showed an immense talent in art from a young age. The commune went to a local market every weekend to sell things like produce and various handmade goods, and Ocean started selling his art - mainly pottery - there before he was even a teenager; he usually sold everything
Although soft and sweet, Ocean was fun, always laughing and smiling. The commune was a safe and protective place for him, and he flourished until he left
Many people on the commune were homeschooled - though it wasn't a requirement - including Ocean and his siblings, so he didn't go to a school off of the commune until college. At first, it was scary, but Ocean adjusted quickly, making friends and slowly carving out a place for himself there
But then Ocean met Aaron. A fellow college student, Aaron was initially romantic and attentive, wooing Ocean with honeyed words and sweet gestures. Slowly he began to change though. The deeper Aaron dug his way into Ocean's heart, the meaner he became. He started being cruel, making Ocean feel worthless, telling him his art was terrible, saying his body would never be attractive, that he would never amount to anything. It wasn't like a flip just switched one day, but over time Aaron tightened his grip, making Ocean feel smaller and smaller as time went on
Eventually after a commune-led intervention - Aaron was so terrible that they had even banned him from the premises - Ocean finally broke free from Aaron's grip and ended their relationship
But Ocean didn't really escape. He still hears Aaron's voice telling him how useless he is, how he'll never be anything, and the voice telling Ocean that Aaron was wrong is still so quiet. However, Aaron's voice is loud and commanding even now
Ocean still has severe self-esteem issues. He hates the way he looks, stopped showing other people his art, and just feels like a failure. He left the commune because he couldn't bear being around everyone who knew him before Aaron seeing how broken he is now
Now Ocean lives with his brother Forest, who previously left the commune for his own reasons, and though it's been six months, Ocean still doesn't feel like he belongs there. He doesn't feel like he belongs anywhere
Wanted connections:
Siblings: Ocean has four older siblings - sister Sunshine, brother Forest, and twin sisters Rain and Coral. The names are negotiable so long as they're nature-themed. They're very protective of Ocean as he's the youngest, and one of them moved to Poppy Court sometime before Ocean (up to player why), so that's where Ocean lives now
Commune members: These are people Ocean knew on the commune, people Ocean cares about, but he's afraid of them seeing him the way he is now
Claude hid their disappointment in looking at another sculpture. Though, they did shoot a look back at Ocean with some confusion. "They freak you out? Why? They're so cute and funny.." People had their preferences and their reasons, they assumed, but they wondered at his. "I'm sure it's not stupid, you must have a reason for it," they spoke their thoughts aloud. "I thought you said you didn't know how to sculpt them?"
They stood back from the colorful painting, listening. "Rainbow is a unique name." Claudio wasn't sure what Ocean meant by commune, though. Was he like their other friends, Petronella and Knox? This whole type of lifestyle was foreign to them, but they didn't press for further information, either. "Maybe it was a combination of both?" they suggested. "Subconsciously, you thought of Rainbow because of pride, so you painted something for her." That sounded right in their mind, anyway. If they had a friend they missed named Rainbow, they would certain think of them whenever the Pride flags came out.
"These are great," Claudio insisted, once Ocean tried to downplay his creativity. "And you're only going to get better with time, too. That old saying about practice makes perfect is real. Thank you for sharing this with me." With a look around, they focused on their friend then. "What was it you wanted help painting?"
Ocean knew being afraid of monkeys was kind of silly, but he couldn’t help it. Feeling just a little embarrassed (not that Claudio had done anything to make him feel that way), Ocean blushed and replied, “I don’t know. I think maybe they’re too human-like in some ways, and it makes me feel um…sort of uncomfortable? I don’t know. I know it’s weird, like me.” He almost lapsed back into his usual negative self-talk, which he was trying to avoid, at least out loud. But Ocean stopped himself from falling too deep into that. “Don’t know how to sculpt what?” Ocean asked Claudio. “I just mean like…you can take one of the sculptures if you want. You don’t have to though.” All the while, the voice whispered how Claudio would never want something so mediocre. But Ocean didn’t say this out loud.
When he heard Claudio’s response, Ocean just smiled for a moment before laughing. “And Ocean is a totally normal name,” he replied, grinning. “A lot of people on the commune have different names like that. My siblings are Sunshine, Forest, Rain, and Coral, my parents are Skye and River, and there are people on the commune with names like Strawberry and Aura. But then some people have more typical names. Our neighbor is named John, and another of my parents’ friends is named Mary. So there’s a mix of names.” Even talking about this made Ocean miss the commune. Shrugging, he said, “Yeah, maybe it was both. I don’t know if I’ll ever give this to her though.”
“You don’t have to,” Ocean replied. “I can do it myself. I thought it might just be fun to paint some of it together. You can even keep what you paint if you want.” Ocean still wasn’t sure he was taking any of this to the market, but even if he was, he had plenty. “We don’t have to though,” Ocean said. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”
Claudio couldn't help the smile that came on as Ocean thanked them for one thing, and another, and another. "That's a lot of thanks," they teased, gently. Touched that he would care enough to thank them in the first place. Yet also mildly alarmed he felt the need to, essentially, apologize for himself over everything. Basic emotions and fears that anyone would have, and he worried Claude would have some negative reaction. "You're welcome," they said, "but just so you know.. you don't have to thank me for any of it. I'm here, if you need someone to talk to, okay? That's what friends are for." Their shoulder lightly bumped in against Ocean's as they added, "I hope so. I'd love to dance with you."
They left their things on the table, and followed Ocean to the basement. Claudio paused at the top of the stairs, watching the other man head down the steps. A wild and fleeting thought passing through their mind of what if this was all some carefully cultivated act? What if Ocean was actually this cunning psychopath whose intention had been to lure them down to the basement this entire time? The two hadn't known each other that long! At least they had their knife, carefully tucked into their pants leg. One they had started carrying years ago, while they hitchhiked everywhere, just in case.
Intuition said Ocean was exactly who he presented himself to be. But Claudio hesitated all the same, for a couple of seconds, before they followed down the steps. The basement actually looked a bit more lived in and used then the rest of the place, though they weren't a big fan of yet another door to go through in case they had to run away. Thankfully, that paranoia slipped away, as their head popped inside first to see that Ocean did, in fact, have an entire room apparently dedicated to sculptures, pottery, and even paintings. He wasn't a psychopath at all, but an artist. "Ooh, wow," Claude exhaled in surprise, eyes wide, as they crept further into the room with a growing smile. "You did all of this yourself?" They looked over at Ocean in open amazement. "This is insane." In a good way, of course.
The sculptures were what they wandered to first. Leaning down to expect the many different animals their friend had created, both domestic and exotic alike. Tempted to touch, but they didn't. "These are so good," they told Ocean, over their shoulder. "Have you ever sculpted a monkey before?" Monkeys were their favorite, because of how active and agile they were. Little gymnasts, like Claude. They continued by the paintings, all abstract in nature. "Was this one for pride?" they asked, pointing to one with colors of the rainbow. It's just what they thought of first. Finally, they were at the pottery, looking over the various cups and plates and vases. "You're so talented, Ocean. I had no idea you could do all of this."
If Ocean had had any idea what Claudio was thinking as they headed downstairs, he would have tried to assuage his fears. How would he have done that? Well, Ocean wasn’t quite sure. But he would have tried. As it happened though, he had no idea what was going through Claudio’s brain, which was good since he would have felt awkward. And really, Ocean would have understood because they really hadn’t known each other long. Instead all Ocean worried about was shaking his art with someone other than his family or people on the commune. He watched anxiously as Claudio looked around, taking it all in. He couldn’t help but smile when Claudio immediately went to the sculptures. “I thought you’d like those,” he said, joining Claudio at the shelves of sculptures, the smaller ones at least. He’d made large sculptures before, but not since moving here. They were a lot of work and took up a lot of space. Shaking his head, Ocean replied, “No, no monkeys. They seem hard. They have long limbs and really intricate features, plus…they sort of freak me out.” He blushed at this, saying, “I know that’s stupid. But it’s true.” It was just another thing that made Ocean weird. Watching Claudio, Ocean asked, “Do you want one of them?”
A few moments later, Ocean joined Claudio at the painting. “I see why you would think that,” Ocean said, “but no. I have a friend on the commune named Rainbow, and I miss her. So I made this because I thought it might help.” It didn’t though - Ocean still missed his friend and everyone else there, especially his family. “Or maybe I was thinking of Pride,” Ocean wondered. “We never celebrated it on the commune. Every month on the commune was Pride, was black history and women’s history month, all of that. We didn’t need a specific month to celebrate everyone.” Ocean knew that might have sounded hard to believe, but it was true. “I mostly paint in abstract,” Ocean said, “which is kind of funny because my sculptures are so literal.” They were opposite in a lot of ways. Blushing at Claudio’s words, Ocean shook his head. “I’m not that good. I’m alright.” That was an improvement though - not long ago, Ocean would have said he was terrible.
Daniel sat at a table by himself with a breakfast of little muffins and a coffee that was more cream and sugar than caffeine. He set down his cup of coffee after a satisfying sip and popped an entire mini muffin into his mouth. Daniel was mid-chew when he spotted them. His eyes widened and he waved his hand frantically to get their attention. Swallowing his muffin, Daniel pointed and choked out the words. “Your shoe’s untied.”
Sometimes Ocean liked to start his week with a little treat. It was a simple thing he had often done on Sunday mornings, especially since moving here. He would go to the bakery and buy the most delicious looking cookie, cupcake, or whatever caught his eye. Today was no different. When he walked into Cup Cake's Bakery, Ocean immediately zeroed in on the most amazing-looking cookie. It was shaped like a strawberry, perfectly iced, and Ocean knew right away that this was his start to the week. However, as he was walking to the counter, Ocean heard someone talking to him, and he turned quickly to see a man he didn't know. Ocean hadn't quite caught what the man said, so he took a step toward him. Unfortunately, this was when he realized what the man had likely called out to him because Ocean stepped on his untied shoelace and stumbled, falling to the floor. He hit his knee hard, but the pain was nothing to the embarrassment he felt. Nice going, idiot, the voice whispered, and Ocean knew he needed to get out of there. Alas, a quick escape wasn't in the cards because as he tried, a sharp pain shot through his knee, and Ocean was forced to sit in a nearby chair. "I'm so stupid," he muttered under his breath, shaking his head. Looking at the man, Ocean added, "Thanks for trying to warn me."
He would never pressure someone to show him their work or their escape - their passion; whatever it meant to them. Landon knew all too well how vulnerable he felt doing the same. Still, he wanted Ocean to know it was an option, if he ever did want to share. And art was subjective. Just because one person didn't appreciate it, that didn't mean no one would. "I can absolutely understand that," Landon agreed, his smile soft as he nodded. "You're right. But also, one person's opinion is just one person's. There could be ten times that many that love it. I do understand though. Like I said, I haven't shared my writing either. And I guess I'm good at it, but I also am sure you're good at your art. Like you said; if you enjoy it, that's the most important thing." It seemed like maybe they had more in common than not, and Landon hoped that if Ocean needed someone to talk to, or even just to listen, that he knew he could always come to him. He might not have the best advice, and his life was far from perfect or orderly, but still.
"Okay, but that's amazing that most of your students are so invested. You never know with elective classes. I feel like when I was in school it was hit or miss. Sometimes with the teachers too though. it was obvious who wanted to be there and who didn't. I'm sure your kids appreciate you and the love you have for the subject. And I know art and libraries don't always go hand in hand, but we do have a huge art section of non-fiction books. So I'm sure there is a way to tie it in if you really wanted to." Landon definitely was far from any kind of trainer, but he liked the idea of having a gym buddy. Someone to chat with between reps, or hold the other accountable. Not that Landon had much trouble convincing himself to go workout, but still. "I agree! We definitely can do that. I just like to stay busy, you know? Sometimes being active like that keeps my mind from going off onto all these tangents." In other words, he didn't like to give himself the freedom to think too much or let his mind wander. It usually took him into difficult topics.
Landon too hated that Ocean's ex had this power over him. He wasn't sure how to break it either; that wasn't something that easily dissipated. "So he was judging your art and your looks? First off, the guy needs to have his eyes checked. Secondly, I hope he doesn't, and that he drives off a cliff." Landon winced as he said it, but he hated narcissists. "Sorry, but he's an asshole. I know it's easier said than done to ignore that, but I hope you can. Have you..." Landon paused, biting his lip. "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want, but have you ever considered counseling, or therapy? It might be something that would help." Says the guy that evaded it intensely, even when his own mother passed away. "Oh! Benji was an old show. I think from like the 70's or 80's. Kind of like Lassie, if I remember correctly. I used to watch re-runs with my mom. You know, I might. If I can't find his owners. I'd love to keep him," he admitted, softly. "But if he belongs to someone I'd never take him away, either."
Ocean looked at Landon as they walked, really taking him in (and not just how handsome he was). Normally he wasn’t one to show his work, but he had recently done so with Claudio, so why not another friend? And if it meant getting to spend more time with Landon, well…it was worth considering. Still, he was a little nervous about the prospect. “I want to,” he said to the other man. “Kind of a lot actually. I’m just nervous about it. What if it changes your opinion of me?” Again he looked at the man, and Ocean realized he was being silly. This was a guy who understood how scary it was to share your work, to share something you put so much of yourself into. It felt highly unlikely that Landon would judge him harshly, even if he didn’t like what Ocean did (he won’t, the voice whispered). “I do enjoy it though,” Ocean confirmed with a nod. “Sometimes when things feel hard, I just go down to my studio and kind of zone in on what I’m working on. Usually if I’m feeling sad, I paint. I sculpt if I’m angry. And I work on my pottery if I’m just feeling overwhelmed, which is…often.” He blushed slightly as he said this. Still a little nervous, Ocean knew what he wanted to do now. “Maybe you can come over sometime, and I can show you,” he suggested slowly, voice steadier than he felt.
He smiled softly at Landon’s words. “They do seem to like my classes, yeah,” Ocean replied, feeling good about that now that he was seeing it from Landon’s perspective. “I think the teacher caring about the subject they teach is the most important thing. If they don’t care, why should the students?” That felt especially true when it came to the arts in Ocean’s opinion. “You’re right,” Ocean said. “There are a lot of books on art history and things like that. And plus they might like to just get out of the school for a bit.” Plus it would mean he could see Landon, maybe impress him a little (Ocean ignored the voice that said he wouldn’t, that he’d just make a fool of himself). Nodding, Ocean agreed, “Yeah, me too. The voices in my head are really loud, and if I’m running until I can’t feel my legs, then it’s easier to quiet them down. Or whatever it is I’m doing. But…I’d like that.” He blushed a little once more, smiling a bit shyly at Landon. He couldn’t deny he had a little crush, but Ocean didn’t plan to pursue it, feeling there would be no point.
Telling Landon about Aaron had been so scary, but Landon responded kindly and compassionately, which helped Ocean feel a little better about it. “Yeah,” Ocean confirmed. “He used to tell me how mediocre my art was - that was when he was in a good mood, otherwise he’d tell me it sucked. And he used to talk about all the things I needed to change about how I look, like my body. I needed to be leaner, more toned. I needed to be hotter to keep him interested, and I tried. I hate that I tried, but I did.” Ocean heard his voice shaking a little, and he paused, taking a deep breath. It helped that Landon felt so angry at Aaron for how he had treated him, and that made Ocean smile. “He would never drive off a cliff because he’s such a good driver,” Ocean replied, but he was being sarcastic for a change, rolling his eyes. “He’s so good at everything, don’t you know.” Even now, it felt strange to criticize Aaron, but it also felt liberating. Thinking about something Landon had said, Ocean asked the man, “Do you really think he needs to get his eyes checked?” He blushed as he asked this, smiling softly.
“I kind of hope you don’t find them so you can get a new pet,” Ocean admitted. “But I just hope he’s happy where he ends up. Maybe we can watch it sometime?” It was out of character for Ocean to suggest even more time together, but it felt right; he felt very comfortable with Landon right now. “And maybe after we find the owner, we can go back to my house for a little bit,” he suggested before he could stop himself.
"I wish I knew," Claudio released a heavy breath, their shoulders lifting into a helpless shrug. "Maybe because we know the things we've said and done, and someone else doesn't." Ashton came to their mind. The way they had broken their ex's heart and never went back to try and piece it together. Not even their friendship. They'd spent ten years trying to work up the courage to go back and even apologize. Claude met Ocean's eyes and offered a weak smile, saying, "I know exactly what you mean." Because they did. They had their own demons to work through, too.
Only, they couldn't imagine Ocean had ever done anything as hurtful to their ex as Claude had. The man behaved as if he wouldn't harm a fly. Skittish, shy, and quiet. Stuck in his own mind, beating himself up with the ghost of someone else's voice.
Claudio had suspected Ocean wouldn't feel like dancing anymore. He had kept interrupting at every little chance, just to drag out the moment and delay it further. They wondered if he had even noticed he had, or if it'd been instinctual, a self-preservation tactic trying to avoid something that would inherently make him feel too put on the spot. Even if it was with just Claude present. "It's okay, really," they smiled, putting their phone away, "we don't have to dance today." Maybe one day. "Let me know if you ever do decide, I'll be here," they promised, crossing their heart and blowing a kiss to the sky, too. You weren't supposed to break promises made before God.
"Pottery?" They nodded, their smile growing. "As long as you don't mind me helping... I'd love to see what you're working on." Ocean already seemed to be happier with this choice, so they leaned into it.
Ocean felt emotionally spent from this conversation. It wasn’t that he regretted telling Claudio or anything, not at all. Actually, it felt nice to feel like he could confide in someone - that wasn’t a common occurrence for him. But it felt like Ocean had reached his limit of emotional vulnerability, and he needed to not think about it for now. “Thank you,” he said softly. “Thanks for listening to me and not thinking I’m a loser.” Even as he said this, that voice in his head was whispering that he was wrong, that Ocean was a loser, but he pushed that thought away; he would deal with it later. “And thanks for not getting mad about the dancing thing,” Ocean added, cheeks reddening in embarrassment. But he didn’t want to spiral and be a downer because why would anyone want to hang out with someone like that. Yet again, Ocean pushed down the voice as it roared to life. “One day we’ll dance.”
It was scary to show Claudio his artwork too, but Ocean was feeling a little better about that now that he was more comfortable with his friend. Claudio wouldn’t judge him no matter how mediocre his work was. “I don’t know if I’m going to try and sell any of it, so it doesn’t have to be perfect,” he told the other. “This way.” Ocean led Claudio to the basement stairs and down them. The basement was finished and nicer than most, and he led Claudio to another door. Opening it to reveal a large room full of paintings, sculptures, and pottery, Ocean said, “Well…this is it.” For a moment, he looked at Claudio uncertainly, hesitating a bit, but then Ocean said, “You can look around if you want to.”
They nodded, just providing the other man an ear to hear whatever it was Ocean felt he needed to say. Sometimes, that was all anyone ever wanted or needed. "It may sound like yours, but I don't think it is," Claude said again. "I can't imagine you saying a mean thing to anyone, so why would you say that to yourself?" This Aaron person had really left their mark on the other. Their heart went out to him, as they could only imagine the kind of horrors Ocean must have experienced in that relationship. Almost enough to make someone not want another. "It's okay.. you don't have to tell me," they said quickly, as it seemed their friend's voice had gotten so small and quiet.
"No, you're fine," Claude reassured him, "I'm glad you told me." It definitely cleared up some things about Ocean, for sure. Like why he was so shy and skittish. "You haven't ruined anything.. I'll teach you some moves, if you're still wanting to learn anything." They looked at him closely. "Whatever you want. As long as you're comfortable. We can do something else, too."
Ocean was quiet for a moment, thinking about what Claudio had said. They were right - that wasn't something Ocean would ever say to someone else. "Why is it so much easier to be cruel to ourselves than other people sometimes?" he asked his friend. "Why do we do that? How do we get to a place where we feel like we deserve it?" Ocean had some of the answer to that question - he doubted he would be like this if it weren't for Aaron. But was there more to it? Maybe some people were just prone to feeling like this. Or maybe it was just a bunch of little things that kept piling up over and over again, weakening his defenses until Aaron came in, a wrecking ball that destroyed everything. Shrugging, Ocean just shook his head. "I'm still trying to figure ou how to not feel like this," he said quietly.
After the heaviness of their conversation, Ocean replied, "I'm not really feeling like dancing anymore. I'm sorry to be a downer." This was something Ocean was going to want to do eventually, but not didn't feel like the right time. "Can we dance another time? Would that be okay?" he asked Claudio gently. "I don't want to be done hanging out, but...maybe we can find something else to do?" Ocean thought about it, and an idea came to him, though it would mean showing Claudio more of his private self. But he felt okay about that. "Do you want to help me paint some of the pieces of pottery I made?" he asked. "They're things I made for my family back home."
"No. I don't think it's silly." Saffron wished that he wouldn't say how something was silly or stupid of what he said or anything that he says. Everyone had opinion on things, silly or not. "If dinosaurs were alive today, I would be very frightened and it would be very sad if a dinosaur ate my friend. You know chickens are from dinosaurs?..they are technically dinosaurs and they are cannibals. Feed them chicken, they will eat chicken." Then reminding herself he was a vegetarian. Nodding at him liking the name Biscotto. All animals were cute when being named after food.
"I'm not just saying that. I don't lie about this kind of stuff." Watching as he picked up the little piece. "Hm..blue, purple and maybe a dash of yellow."
What Saffron was saying made Ocean question something he hadn't really considered before. "Alright, so there are different species of dinosaurs," he started, "and some of them eat other dinosaurs. But that doesn't make them cannibals too, does it?" Thinking about it, Ocean reasoned, "No, it's like any other carnivore eating another animal. It would only be cannibalism if, like, a T-Rex ate another T-Rex, right?" Maybe Ocean was giving this too much thought, but overthinking was kind of what he did. He looked at Saffron and smiled shyly, feeling a little silly, and he was about to say that when he stopped himself. People didn't want to hang around such a downer, and Ocean remembered Aaron would always tell him that he didn't need to say every thought he had out loud.
Ocean looked at Saffron's choice, already imagining the color scheme. But then he had an idea. "Do you want to paint it yourself? We could do that now. I could work on another one, and I could give you pointers. Teaching art is my primary job, after all." That doesn't mean you're good at it, he thought, but that was another thing he didn't say out loud.
They lowered their phone, attention returning to Ocean because the other man had begun to... Confess? things. About that inner, shitty voice that Claude had suggested he tell to shut up. Some guilt built up, because they hadn't realized just how deep this problem ran for Ocean until that moment. Everyone had inner voices that kicked themselves when they were down, didn't they? Even ones that were created in the likeness of those in their lives, that couldn't spare a warm word or hug if it killed them. They had thought, simply, that Ocean was an extremely shy, definitely awkward man. Now they could see the real trauma it was born from. He wasn't just shy and awkward, he'd been abused by someone, to the point he had internalized their words and closed himself off to others.
Claude's stare softened. This poor man! How could they not emphasize, when they had similar experience and knowledge to understand what Ocean may have gone through. Maybe not carbon copies, but they had family that othered them, too. Made them doubt and question themselves, feel wrong about themselves. All because they sometimes felt the best when they got to paint their face pretty, or wear something that made them feel feminine. Or because they, too, had proclivity towards other men, which was nothing short of sinful. They even knew what lashings felt like, having remnants and scars leftover in places people couldn't see. This, naturally, made them feel quite a bit for Ocean, and a need to offset whatever damage this Aaron person had done. Easier said than done, of course. Trauma was not something that could just be brushed aside because Claudio told it to shut up.
"I'm sorry," they finally spoke, their voice gentle, as was their gaze, "I didn't.. realize, that it was like that for you.." Claude wished they hadn't been so playful about it, because now they felt like a dismissive asshole. Like Ocean's insecurities could be overlooked. "I don't know what this Aaron said or did to you, Ocean, but... that's not your voice," Claude told him, with a shake of their head. "We may not know each other very well yet but... I can already tell that you are a kind, and gentle, person. You're very sweet, and considerate. You also try very hard, which says you care." They held their phone in against their chest, just staring at Ocean for a moment. "So, it might sound like it's you, but I don't think it is.. that's not the man you've shown yourself to be with me so far?"
Ocean was already feeling self-conscious about everything he was telling Claudio. This wasn’t what he’d incited the other over for, and they were probably thinking the same thing, that they’d just come over to dance and now Ocean was trauma dumping on them. But he stopped that line of thinking before it could take off, not because he didn’t believe it but because Ocean was trying not to put words and thoughts into other people’s mouths and minds. Even so, Ocean didn’t know how to stop thinking that, to stop fearing it. No one really cares about how you feel, the voice whispered. You’re just a boring waste of time. But he tried to push the thought away because it would only make him close down, and he wanted to stay open for Claudio.
When he was finished, his face was burning, his heart racing. It was pounding so hard he swore it would pound right out of his chest. Was Claudio about to leave? Ocean wouldn’t blame him. But then his friend did something unexpected: he stayed. His heart nearly broke because of Claudio’s empathy and kindness, but it was the good kind of break, like it had been cracked for a long time and finally felt safe to shop holding it together so desperately. Breathing a sigh of relief, Ocean said, “Everything feels so hard now. I’ve always been shy and reserved, but…not like this. And I can’t keep his voice - which feels more and more like my voice - out of my head.” At Claudio’s comment, Ocean felt his chest tighten at the memories of what Aaron had said and done. “He said a lot of things,” Ocean whispered. “And he did a lot of things.” As he said this, Ocean’s hand moved to his cheek, as if a reflex at the memory of one of the things Aaron had done. But Ocean didn’t elaborate.
Finally Ocean sighed, shaking his head. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I made this really heavy.” Now he was embarrassed, cheeks flushed. “Do you still want to dance? I understand if you don’t want to anymore, if I ruined the mood.”
emily’s expression softened as ocean explained, the guilt settling in now that she wasn’t running on adrenaline and cupcake preservation instincts. “yeah,” she said gently, “i get what you mean now. formal versus… commune casual.” she gave him a small, apologetic smile. “i am less stressed now. it wasn't even my wedding and it stressed me out. can you actually think what will happen if i ever get married," she laughed.
her brows lifted when he admitted he was awkward, and she laughed despite herself. “okay, well, points for self-awareness.” then, at the ghost comment, she stared at him for a beat. “you know what? i’m not even going to unpack that right now.”
emily’s smile widened. “uh-huh. sure. you’re paying.” she started walking back toward the ice cream with him, still holding her own dessert like a prize she had bravely rescued from danger. “my favorite ice cream flavor is probably cookie dough,” she said. “or mint chocolate chip if i’m feeling controversial.” she glanced over at him, amused. “and you? please don’t say something unsettling like black licorice.”
It seemed like Emily really did understand what he'd meant now. Why would she lie just to make him feel better? She seemed like the kind of person unafraid to express how something made her feel, or at least she had been that night at the reception. So Ocean was feeling a little more relieved now, but in the back of his mind, he kept wondering when he was going to do something else to upset her. And you will, the voice whispered, and though Ocean tried to ignore it, he still heard the words. "Maybe you could elope," Ocean said before he really thought about it. If he had, he most definitely would have kept that particular thought to himself. Eyes widening, realizing what he'd said, Ocean stammered, "I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to be mean. I wasn't trying to say you couldn't handle a big wedding." Ocean knew he had to smooth this over before it was too late, so he explained, "I just meant...if it causes you stress, is it even worth it? Wouldn't it be better if you have a wedding that you can actually enjoy, one you can be excited about in the days leading up to it rather than anxious?"
Ocean did feel a little better that Emily wasn't going to be paying for his ice cream. It had been his own fault he'd dropped it anyway. Walking together back toward the ice cream shoppe, Ocean learned that Emily was a woman of taste. "I don't like mint flavored things other than...well, mints," Ocean replied, "but I do like cookie dough ice cream. But they have to make sure they keep the ratio of chocolate chips to cookie dough chunks in check. If I wanted ice cream where all I could taste was chocolate, I'd...well, get chocolate." Ocean was a man with strong opinions about ice cream. Making a look of disgust, Ocean was affronted at the very notion of black licorice ice cream. "Is that a real flavor?" he asked, unsettled at the thought. "Black licorice is my second least favorite food, so no," he went on. "Mine is strawberry. We make it homemade on the commune, grow the strawberries too."
Saffron paused. Then thinking about the animals having friends. Eating someone's friend. Oh God. "I did not think of it that way. No, it's not stupid. It's like me with rabbits. I love rabbits. My dad eats rabbits. I don't." Letting out a small sigh, "I have a pet rabbit, Biscotto."
Taking a stroll around the room she eyed the different artwork. He wanted honesty. Then spotting a ceramic piece. "This one." Pointing to it. It was small but big enough for a spot in her kitchen if she were to buy it.
Ocean wasn't the type of vegetarian always trying to convert people. As long as their meat was ethically sourced, he genuinely didn't have a problem with it. But that also didn't change how he felt, and it didn't change what he was saying to Saffron now. "I know it seems silly maybe," Ocean said, "but I can't not think about that now. Like..." He drifted off, trying to figure out how to say what he wanted. "Okay, so like...imagine if dinosaurs were alive today, and your best friend got eaten," he started. "The dinosaur didn't do anything wrong by eating your friend, but also...you're be sad, right?" It wasn't a perfect analogy, but Ocean thought maybe he was getting the point across. He smiled at Saffron's mention of her rabbit. "I love that name," he told her.
When Saffron picked a piece, Ocean asked, "Really? You're not just saying that, right?" But he doubted Saffron would lie about that. So Ocean picked it up. "I still need to paint it, but you can pick the colors. And then it's yours...a gift," he told Saffron, blushing slightly.
emily’s expression softened the more he talked, the adrenaline bleeding out of her system and leaving something that felt a lot like guilt in its place. “okay,” she said gently, hands lifting in a small, calming gesture. “i hear what you meant now. like… ‘formal party’ perfect. not ‘your friends are fake’ perfect.” she nodded once, like she was filing it away properly. “that’s on me. i was already stressed and i snapped.”
she glanced at his face—how red he was, how small he looked suddenly—and it made her stomach twist. emily knew that look. she knew the spiral behind it. “hey,” she said, quieter. “i’m not going to yell at you.” she swallowed and tried to offer him something steadier than her earlier sharpness. “i’m sorry i did last time. i was protecting people i love and i didn’t stop to think about how i sounded. you didn’t deserve to be my stress target.”
her eyes flicked to his ruined cone and she huffed a tiny laugh, more fond than mocking. she tipped her cupcake up a little, like a toast. “it would be a tragedy, actually. if the dessert is in the hand that means i died before eating it. zero out of ten, would not recommend.”
emily took a small step back to give him space, voice still soft. “for the record, i’m emily.” a beat. “and if you ever feel awkward again, you can just… say ‘i’m awkward’ instead of sprinting like you’ve seen a ghost. i genuinely thought we were being chased.” she nodded toward the direction of the ice cream shop he probably came from. “come on. let’s get you another ice cream. i owe you one for the cardio.”
Ocean wondered which would be worse: Emily yelling at him or being kind when he didn't deserve it. Pretty quickly, he decided it would be worse if she yelled, but he didn't think he deserved such easy forgiveness. Whether or not he had meant to, he'd insulted her friends. Yes, it had been an accident, but even so. "I need to choose my words better," he told the woman. "I try to, but I'm not really an eloquent guy. But...for what it's worth, I'm sorry, even if I didn't mean to insult them." And Ocean truly meant that. When Emily apologized, Ocean shook his head, waving it off. "You were just defending the people you care about. I would have done the same thing." Ocean might hate confrontation, and he might be rather meek, but he would always stand up for the people he loved. They meant everything to him. Looking at Emily cautiously, as if he still couldn't quite trust she wouldn't snap again, Ocean asked, "Are you okay now? Less stressed, I mean?"
When he heard Emily's remark, Ocean actually laughed, which surprised him. "A wasted dessert really is a tragedy," he agreed with a grin. Ocean was an avowed dessert lover. And then he laughed again at her next comment, immediately replying, "Well...I'm awkward." He thought that was clear already, but he said it anyway. "I probably wouldn't have run if I'd seen a ghost," Ocean admitted. "Most of them are harmless, and the ones who aren't, well...running wouldn't do much good." Although he chuckled, Ocean wasn't kidding. "I would have run from a murderer though, but I doubt they'd strike on a busy street during the day." Ocean worried he was going to offend Emily with his jokes, so he stopped laughing, offering what he hoped was a friendly smile.
Shaking his head, Ocean protested, "It's okay, you really don't have to." But then his stomach grumbled, and he knew it was pretty clear how hungry he was. "Yeah, alright," he agreed. "But I'm going to pay. It's not your fault I dropped it." The pair began walking back in that direction, and Ocean didn't want the silence to get awkward, so he asked, "What's your favorite ice cream flavor?" He felt like you could tell a lot about a person by how they answered.
As they turned to face Ocean, they noticed his hesitance, and a somber look that crossed his features. They couldn't read it for what it was, only that it was there, until he spoke up about what was going on inside his head. "Oh.." The sound was quiet, one of understanding, because of course they did. They understood all too well how one's own brain could beat the hell out of you and have you believing all the worst things. "It's okay," their hand rested gently on Ocean's shoulder, "but.. maybe ask that voice in your head to shut up?" Claudio suggested, softly. "Because it's got no idea what it's talking about." They leaned in close enough to lightly touch their forehead to Ocean's, squeezing his shoulder. "And if it won't, then just let me know, so I can tell it to myself." Suddenly, Claudio let go and jogged back a step or two as they lifted their hands, balled into fists, and pretended to punch the air as they added, jokingly, "I'll give it the ol' one-two and boom, KO'd!"
They were simply trying to get Ocean to smile again.
Out of his head. Away from that voice.
"You have a studio?" Ocean was just full of surprises. "For what?" Their brows drifted together, instantly curious as to what the man possibly even used the space for. Claudio considered the living room and the coffee table now out of the way. "I don't think we're going to need too much room, this looks big enough?" they figured, "and besides.. we just moved the furniture, so.. might as well not have made that a useless venture, right?" Though, if this studio space was more of a comfort zone for the other man, then Claudio would switch up to whatever they needed. "Unless you want to," they added, just so Ocean knew he had the choice here. "Okay, no preference on music, got.. I'll just find us something with a good beat, for sure. It's all about finding the rhythm of a song. Some songs are easier to sync with," they went on, searching their spotify list.
Ocean was embarrassed, and his instinct was to clam up, to make up an excuse to end this hangout. His instinct was to decided that Claudio was better off without him. And truthfully Ocean still did think that. But he was trying not to close himself off to other people and experiences and care like he had been for…well, awhile now. Ocean was tired of being lonely, and he wanted that to change, even if it felt impossible. So instead he took a deep breath and decided to tell Claudio about it. “It’s noisy, and it’s kind of always there,” Ocean told them. “Sometimes it’s just a low hum, but other times it’s like someone speaking into a megaphone. But it’s always there, and it’s…” Now Ocean trailed off because the next part felt too deeply personal to share. But he still wanted to tell Claudio; actually, he felt like he needed to. “It’s kind of my voice, but also…it’s his. Aaron’s.” His face was crimson now, and Ocean looked down at the floor. “That’s my ex,” he told Claudio.
Even though he was anxious about showing his art, it was an easier thing to talk about, so Ocean nodded and explained, “Yeah, for my art. Painting, pottery, sculpture, things like that.” But Claudio was right, they did just clear a space, so Ocean said, “This works though.” He let Claudio pick the music, and Ocean asked, “So…are we going to choose like a specific type of dance, or are we going to just do something…like, sort of loose?” Freestyle, Ocean thought it was called.
"I guess so, but whether they do it well or not is a completely different story. I can barely manage stick people," he chuckled. "I'd ask to see proof that you aren't very good, but I would never force you to do that. I don't like showing what I write to anyone. I am sure you're better than you think, though. May I ask what made you stop loving it? You don't have to say, of course, but if you still do it for yourself then I feel like there must be something still there that you enjoy about it." Landon didn't talk much about his writing; he understood the sentiment Ocean was feeling. He never thought his own stuff was very good either. "Fiction. I like a lot of types, honestly. Action, mystery, romance... sometimes fantasy. My favorites are combining more than one of them together." It didn't surprise Landon that Ocean was a high school teacher; for some reason he got the vibe from him that he would be good working with students. "That's awesome. You must have a lot of patience," he joked. "I have to hand it to anyone that can teach. I couldn't do it. You know you could always bring your classes up for a visit at the library sometime if you wanted. It's kind of sad how little people understand how they work these days."
Having to grade someone else sounded like an absolute nightmare to Landon. Especially, like Ocean said, when it came to something subjective. He was more the kind of guy that could follow a guide, but when it came to something less structured, he easily fell apart. "I mean, I guess that's possible. I did actually try. I just was really, really awful at it." He smiled, shrugging. "I think that's a sign of a good teacher though. "Judging for the effort and following directions more so than the final result. There are some things you just cannot be taught. And no, my art was really, really bad. I have no problem admitting it." Working out had been engrained in Landon for so long that he didn't even think much now of people watching or paying him much mind. Although he didn't think Ocean had any reason to be concerned about that either, he understood it was a pretty natural thing for most people.
"I don't blame you. Most people prefer not to have someone watching them. I just try and block it out. I'd offer my services but I'm so not a trainer. But that might be something to look into, if there are certain things you want to focus on more." Landon didn't really understand why Ocean was knocking himself so much; he was a nice guy, and he saw nothing wrong with his build or the way he looked. He couldn't imagine anyone else did either. But then he mentioned his ex and it all was pieced together. "Well, I don't know this guy you dated, but it sounds like he's the problem. Nothing to do with you. I know that it's not easy, especially when someone you care about it knocking you down, but that's bullshit. You're awesome, and try not to let him get in your head like that. He's not worth it." Landon's expression softened as he glanced back at the pup nestled in his arms. "I think so too. Seems like he's a pretty good cuddler. He kind of looks like Benji to me. Do you remember those old movies?"
Ocean tensed slightly when Landon mentioned asking for proof, even though he wasn't actually asking for it. Already Ocean knew that Landon wasn't that type of guy, and he appreciated it. Still, Ocean started worrying that not showing his work at all was weird, especially since he was an art teacher. Weren't they supposed to be proud of their work? How can you an art teacher if your own art is so terrible you won't show anyone? the voice questioned him, something Ocean had thought about many times. But he couldn't dwell on that, not right now here with Landon, otherwise he'd start to spiral. Now that was something Ocean was good at. But it seemed Landon understood since he didn't show people what he wrote either. "I think it's because things like that, creative pursuits, it's like...an extension of ourselves," Ocean replied. "So when someone criticizes us, it feels more personal, especially when they're...um, overly harsh." That was a nice way to describe how Aaron had been with him, though Aaron hadn't stopped at being critical of Ocean's art. It had been everything. "I bet you're a really good writer though," Ocean replied, smiling at Landon. Shaking his head, Ocean countered, "I don't know if it takes a lot of patience to teach an elective class like art. Except for a small group of students taking a required credit, most of my students actually want to be there." And they did seem to respond well to Ocean's teaching, but he thought that was mostly because of their own talent. He was continually impressed by his students. "Maybe that would be a good idea," Ocean told Landon. "I'm not sure if I will be able to get it approved, but I'll try." Truthfully Ocean doubted it because learning how libraries worked didn't fit together with an art class, but Ocean thought it would make Landon happy, and he wanted that.
Laughing a little, Ocean asked, "Did you enjoy doing it at least? Because even if it was - in your eyes - bad, it would be worth it if you enjoyed it." That was when Ocean realized he hadn't answered Landon's question. Shrugging, he answered, "I used to love it, but...someone made me see how bad I am at it. What I do...anyone can." Maybe that was what made him a decent teacher - he could teach technique, and he was more sympathetic to people who were trying but just didn't have the natural talent.
Landon was saying such kind things to him today, and Ocean couldn't help but smile, even if he didn't believe them. And he did like the idea of them working out together, though it scared him too. "Maybe we could just do it together sometime," Ocean replied. "You might not be a trainer, but sometimes running or working out with a friend is nice." The idea also scared the shit out of Ocean, but he liked Landon, and he was trying not to close himself off as much, trying to trust people more. This would be part of that. His face was burning as he talked about Aaron though, and Ocean sighed. "I can't really get his voice out of my head now," he told Landon. "I hear it all the time, not just with how I look. It's...it's exhausting." It really was; Ocean felt so worn down all the time because of a man who wasn't in his life anymore. "I hate that I still give him that power, but I don't know how not to either." Ocean really wished he did. At Landon's compliment though, he blushed for a different reason, smiling softly. "Do you really think that?" Looking at the dog, Ocean shook his head. "I don't know Benji. We didn't have a TV, so I only watched it at different houses on the commune when I was visiting. I have one now, but I'm still catching up on movies I missed. Is that what you're going to call him though?"
emily blinked at him, the adrenaline still buzzing in her limbs from sprinting like her life depended on it. she was bent over a little, hands on her knees, trying to convince her lungs to behave, and as he talked her brows slowly climbed higher and higher. “oh my god,” she breathed, half laugh, half groan. “you’re ocean.” it came back in a rush — the garden, the party noise spilling out into the night, him fumbling his words and her already running on fumes, already protective and overworked and done with strangers calling her friends fake. she remembered the way she’d snapped. remembered the exact moment she’d decided he was an asshole and walked away before she could make it worse.
emily straightened, wiping at her forehead with the back of her wrist, and let out a long breath. “okay,” she said, tone softer now that she wasn’t in fight-or-flight. “yeah. i remember.” she winced a little, the guilt landing late. “and… i did call you an asshole.” emily’s mouth twisted. “in my defense, you sounded like you were calling my friends performative and fake, and i was already stressed out of my mind. but still.” she shook her head. “i could’ve handled it better.”
her eyes narrowed at him then, not mean, just incredulous. “but why did you run like that?” she asked, gesturing vaguely between them. “i thought there was an actual murderer behind me.” she lifted her cupcake slightly like it deserved to be included. “i almost died with dessert in my hand, ocean.”
Now Emily remembered, and Ocean felt his face burning both with embarrassment and shame. He hadn't been calling her friends fake, but Ocean could understand how she'd come to that conclusion. You can never do or say anything right, that's why, the voice whispered in his head. If you were better at speaking or using your brain for a change, it would have gone differently. Ocean was spiraling now, and he knew it was because he was faced again with this woman who had made him feel terrible, even if it were justified. He felt so small in this moment. Nodding, he confirmed, "Yeah...I'm Ocean." He still didn't know her name, but Ocean didn't want to ask.
Shaking his head, Ocean explained, "I wasn't. I understand why you thought I was, but I just meant..." His voice trailed off, trying to find the words. "I meant like...everyone was trying really hard to look their best and be perfect because it was such a formal event. And trying to do that means you're much more focused on appearance than the parties I'm used to back on the commune, like where everything feels looser and less structured. It wasn't a criticism though. It was just a different kind of party than I was used to." Ocean didn't know if he were making this better or worse.
"I...I ran because I was scared you would yell at me again," Ocean answered meekly, feeling embarrassed, his face crimson. Looking at the ice cream cone - sans ice cream - in his had, he sighed; he'd just gotten it too. "Dying with dessert in hand isn't the worst way to go," Ocean told the woman.
"I have, yes. Mostly parmesan garlic." She would have some always in her freezer that came with the sauce that you toss in afterwards. Simple and easy, she wasn't the best cook but there were meals like that that would make cooking not so hard than it seemed. Saffron then shook her head very quickly at the question on if she ate animals from the farm. "No..no..never nope. It's like having a dog and you decide to eat it the next day. I could never. And if I had..and no one told me..I'm glad they didn't tell me because I would not have the heart to do that."
The thought of the beach, soon she would be there but in Hawaii on a nice vacation to herself. "I'm not great at sand castles...I mostly use buckets and try to keep it all together..but I've seen some amazing ones." Following him around the pottery. "They have farmers markets in Carroll..and you could always do your own little garage sale."
When he heard Saffron’s reply, Ocean smiled. She was definitely of the same mind. “That’s how I feel too,” he responded. “They’re like friends. I could never…that’s actually why I became a vegetarian. We don’t eat the animals on the commune, but…every animal could be someone’s friend. It’s kind of heartbreaking to think about.” Ocean paused, letting this settle, and then he sighed. “Sorry, that was stupid,” he apologized a moment later.
When talk moved to Ocean’s pottery, he looked his pieces over and sighed again. “It was easier when I didn’t have a good idea of how to sell them,” he told Saffron. “I purposely didn’t look into it. Now I just have to admit that none of these are very good.” He ran his fingers over a particularly intricate bowl he’d made before moving on to a coffee mug. “Would you buy any of these?” he asked Saffron. “Be honest. It’s okay if the answer is no.” He said this as if he assumed the answer would in fact be no.
"Oh, right," Claude visibly jolted, as if they just recalled an important memory, "you wouldn't have liked my sandwich anyway, it had meat on it.." Ocean being vegetarian had slipped their mind a second time, the first done at the reception. It wouldn't happen a third, because now they made a mental filing cabinet note to not forget this important fact about their new friend. If food was offered, it needed to be greens and fruit. "Sorry, I won't forget again," they promised, giving their noggin a little tap on the side of the head, a gentle smile in play.
"I don't mind at all," Claudio returned, with gumption. It was like they were born for this, to help someone else learn their passions. Maybe, if they were any decent a professor, Ocean might actually enjoy himself. Maybe, the next event they attended, he wouldn't be too scared to be silly and shake a tailfeather. As their friend prepared his meal, Claudio sized up the area they were working with. "I'm just.." they bent, giving a hefty push to the coffee table in their way, pushing it off and up against the nearest wall, "..going to make us some more room here, if that's okay? I'll put everything back the way it was when we're done." Going outside would have been ideal too, but Ocean had neighbors, and neighbors could be nosy. They felt the young man would be most comfortable in the safety of his own home, where the only other pair of eyes on him were Claudio's.
Now, they stood straight, hands on their hips in a Peter Pan-like pose. "Okay, hm... I say we start small and work our way up from there, then. Like, something where you can stay mostly in place and yet totally look like you know what you're doing." Claudio pulled out their phone to find their spotify app, because music is also helpful. "Do you care what kind of music I put on?" they asked, looking up at Ocean. "I was thinking something with a decent beat and tempo, I know a few Spanish songs that would be good but, if you got a favorite?" They gave their phone a small wiggle. "I have a lot of music, I bet I have it and if I don't, I can get it."
Ocean was already starting to feel more nervous about this. It wasn’t anything Claudio was doing - if anything, they were making this easier for him. Claudio was kind and patient and a good friend already, and that helped Ocean not be so scared. But there was that voice inside him that kept whispering. You’re going to be terrible, it said. You’re going to look so stupid. Ocean was doing his best to shake it, but it wasn’t working out so well for him. Still, Ocean kept telling himself to relax, that he was safe, and he was maybe starting to believe it - a little bit at least.
As Claudio began to move the furniture around, Ocean knew he’d chosen a good teacher, and not just because he felt comfortable with his friend. Claudio was taking this seriously. Ocean bent down to help, telling Claudio, “It’s okay that you didn’t remember by the way. I don’t expect you to remember everything about me. I’m not that - “ Ocean stopped abruptly, giving Claudio an apologetic look. “Sorry,” he said. “I’ve got this voice in my head that’s like…always whispering terrible things to me. It’s always telling me the worst things I think about myself. And just now I was about to repeat one of them, that I’m not that memorable.” Now Ocean felt embarrassed, his cheeks red, but he pressed on. “I’m trying not to do that anymore.”
In some ways, it was easier to talk about dancing, even with as scary as that was. “Do you want to go down to my studio space in the basement?” Ocean asked. “There’s more room down there. And I don’t know what kind of music we should use. I guess whatever you can move to?” Ocean didn’t have the first idea of where to start with this, and he told Claudio, “I’m leaving this to you. I’ll follow your lead.”
