See the World Through My Eyes

Ever since I started to lose my eyesight, at the tender age of 9, I have tried to cherish and remember every sight I see... var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www."); document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E")); var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-4921730-2"); pageTracker._initData(); pageTracker._trackPageview();

[blurryeyes]

[blurryeyes]

Tears of Forgiveness

How will I ever forgive myself? When will it be ok for me again? I pretend and imagine things...I dream things when it becomes too much. It’s my legal way to escape the reality. 

You have no idea...how much it hurts. I was talking to a class I was teaching the other day about allergies. I told them I don’t mind the congestion...I don’t mind the sneezing or any of the physical symptoms...it’s the pain I can’t take. It’s the pain. 

Almost 7 years. Feels like its happening right now...again. The first year I don’t even remember its like my body kept moving forward, but my mind decided to check out. I’m grateful for the life that keeps me here...a sense of grounding that I don’t always think I deserve. I will never forget to love and say I love, but every time I remember I don’t know how I stand up everyday. 

I miss so many things...all the time. A lot of times the nightmares are my thoughts. Peace is when I’m watching everyone having a good time without me. Everyone is so happy when I’m there and when I’m not...it means they are loved and so am I.  

In thinking about the first question, forgiveness is earned...so is compassion, and so is trust. I’ve felt so alone since she’s been gone...but most days I repeat to myself that everything comes to an end. She’s the only one who knew me...where do I go from here. Who can I trust? Who will I talk to? Who will hug me when I cry? When will this be over? How will I ever forgive myself?

[blurryeyes]

Find out what you like doing best, and get someone to pay you for it.

Katharine Whitehorn

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Do you have a Job or a Career?

Back when I was in college I had plenty of jobs. I was making money, enjoying the luxury of going to school, and I had a pretty flexible schedule! 

Now I still have the jobs/career, I’m making money :), I unfortunately am not in school anymore (good and bad), and I still have a fairly flexible schedule. 

I love what I do. I get to be active all day. I get to eat when ever I’m hungry. I get to work, help, and make connections with people. I have to figure something out though...

Why can’t I do this at one place all day? Because I’m a busy body? Because I’m saying yes to too many things? Because I want to try and do everything...OOHH...this is why I’m so tired all the time?

I’m doing all that I can possibly do...I think. Maybe I can do some more, so I’m searching and researching. Where can I get the stamina from? I’ll have to work on that. I think I like my career, but... sometimes it can seem like a job because I feel limited and I feel myself looking for something more. I know their is so much more. 

[blurryeyes]

Drink Up!

[blurryeyes]

I got the Feeling...

Enjoy! What makes you happy? How do you contain it? I love that feeling. To me it’s like the life that you dream and never wake up from. To me it’s when you bite down into your favorite meal/dessert. To me it’s your first kiss that you play over and over again in your mind. Happy...I mean truly happy is what this is. 

Ok enough with the mushy stuff. Yes I’m a newlywed. Yes its great. Yes I went on my honeymoon. Yes it was magical. No I’m not pregnant. 

I do however, need some more alternatives of living and non-moving income. You know the residual income...where I can sit back and watch it all happen to me. I’m willing to put in all the work now and chill/vacation more for the rest of this dreamy life. I’m no longer hoping for this...I’m making it happen. 

I’m back at work and I’m back to my 14-18 hour days of exhausting fun. Some days are longer than others, but most days I’m ready for the end...half way through. Its like I can think up all the things I must do by the days end, but they happen in slow motion and fast forward. How do people do all of this? I don’t drink coffee, but today I started on tea...will that help? 

The alarm sounds at 3:30am so I get up around 3:58am...after my awesome three snoozes. I make it up to my feet and do all the morning stuff (brush teeth, check out my hair, wash face, oh and clothes of course). I wander around downstairs in the kitchen for a few and then I head down more stairs to the outside and to my car. I spin the wheel around for about 20 minutes through 25 lights and clock in to start the day at about 4:45am. When does it end you ask... around 9 or 10ish with a shower and an eye mask. Ready for tomorrow? This is me on this new drug called...happy! 

[blurryeyes]

[blurryeyes]

Matrimony is a Whirlwind!

It comes at you full force…you’re stress to the extremes…you’re emotional as heck…and I loved every minute!

I cried, laughed, yelled, worried, forgave, listened, watched, waited, and finally walked! Maybe not in that order and maybe some of those happened multiple times, but they all happened unregretfully. I don’t feel like it’s over though!

The honeymoon was exactly as the word describes…the moon rained honey literally the whole time! It’s a fairytale that I can’t believe happened to me ☺️ I felt like I was the center of all things great! Once we got to the airport our worries and troubles were gone…it wasn’t just a vacation it was our HONEYMOON!!!

We ate everything! Tacos, enchiladas, sushi, flavorful Mexican chicken, steak marinaded in Mexi-greatness, ceviche that was so good it was hard to stop eating it! The potatoes, the tortillas, the pineapples, and the awesome concept of all inclusive!

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The only constant in life is change!

Heraclitus

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The changing skies!

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Inspiration

What inspires you to be great? Is it the life you could have in the future? Or is it the past that resides as your present? Although my past is a part of me; my present is what moves me. Good, bad, or "special"...I still have to keep moving in the space/time continuum. Present is change! Change is interesting. The present is where my love takes me. If I could allow darkness to crowd me then it will consume me and take over. My drive to be positive makes me smile and be happy all the time. As a teenager/ college kid I felt broken by my mistakes and consumed by my feelings about them, but now wiser is what I am (inner Yoda voice). I live through making mistakes and it's awesome. I love learning. I live to learn and travel though love feeling my feelings/ loving my loves. What are my loves? I'm so grateful for everything (I can hardly stand it). I'm getting married for goodness sakes--who would have thunk it ☺️. I have some of my favs all around me helping me with their beautiful talents. I have an amazing husband-to-be who just got up at 4am to bring me to work this morning with a sleepy cute half smile on when I kissed him on the cheek saying goodbye. I have a job that I love, food, in my belly, and a heart that shows me the way. How great is that? If this isn't life...then this dream is amazing! Where's that broom because I'm jumping!

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What is love?

Baby don't hurt me.. don't hurt me...no more! LOL Love to me is never ending. How could it? Its when you first open your eyes and see the world. Its when the life is gone but the feelings are still there. Its when the sun is shining and everything stands still. How could you not love? Everything?

I mean how could you not love everything? I'm so grateful for life! Live Lovely!  

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That which is dreamed can never be lost, can never be undreamed...

http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2021847-the-sandman-vol-10-the-wake-the-sandman-10

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A Time to Feel

I always think about how things make me feel. How things work and why…how they pretain to me and what these things really mean.

I had a dream last night… I was at a wedding, but it wasn’t mine. It wasn’t formal it wasn’t familiar to me as to whose wedding it was, but I felt comfortable and confused at the same time. I only remember 4 significant people (how ironic since my fav. number is 4). As I walked into this beautiful mansion, I am immediately greeted with a glass of wine, and after I mix and mingle with people I don’t know I start to feel sick. I see my handsome plus one, Carl, but I’m not ready to go so he suggests I lay down for a little bit and he’ll come back and check on me. I found a bedroom in the west upper wing of the house and begin to snooze. 20 minutes later one of my gorgeous roommates from college stops by and is feeling the same way and lays beside me. 30 minutes later a handsome friend, Jarrod, comes in and leans over me and kisses her on the cheek, but then looks at me and does the same to me. At that moment Carl steps in and asks me if I’m ready to head back down stairs…I get up and as I walk by Jarrod he kisses me on the cheek again and hopes that I feel better. After all the cake and dancing I catch Jarrod’s eye again, I head to the restroom, but before I get there he pulls me outside….

I woke up at that point and I can’t stop thinking about this confusing dream…

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An explosion happened in my dream last night...this is what it looked like.

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Into Love

What is it? The feeling of uninterrupted happiness. Its the thought of love that keeps life flowing. Make it your mission to live. Mom would have told me that. Unfortunately because I dont have her happiness is difficult to feel to the fullest like I did before. When will I break through this? When will it stop hurting?